[ Her message comes in the middle of some sleepless night. She doesn't expect a reply, and doesn't really want one, but...she wanted to say this to him. With how the goblin cards have been clearly failing her, this seems the safest way to do so. And, in a way, it's kind of like old times, so maybe that'll make it mean more. ]
i hope you're okay
[ There's plenty more she could write. Plenty more she'd love to say. But, for once, she thinks a few simple words are just what's needed. ]
[ He's awake, of course. He doesn't ever sleep unless he physically has to shut down to heal or something. So as soon as her text rolls in, he gets it -- in the middle of crushing up a Frenzy tab. If he was sober, maybe he would have hesitated to respond. But instead he answers almost instantly. ]
you know i'm not
[ There's a couple seconds of a pause between texts as he snorts his bounty, allowing the pleasant rush to buzz in his ears. ]
but i'll live.
[ A sentiment he's pretty sure she feels as well. ]
[ The immediate response makes her jump, enough that she almost drops her phone. At the same time, however...she's kind of glad to get it so soon. It means he's still going somehow. Not completely lost. Despite everything, he's still here with her.
Even if all of this hurts.
She licks her lips, her mind running through a million responses all over again, more feelings she's struggling to get out. And again, she settles on simplicity. ]
[ He's high. He's probably too high to be having this conversation. There's a cocktail of drugs at war in his system, hallucinogens, uppers and downers. He's found a combination will combat some of the more unpleasant side effects of Frenzy -- namely the insatiable need to fuck. He couldn't get it up right now if he tried. But it leaves him without a filter, without a care. And he's likely to say something he shouldn't say, open up wounds that were only flimsy scabs. Case in point: ]
would you go back again if you had the choice? would you go back and be with aindreas?
[ Now it's her turn to answer instantly. Not as fast as him, of course. Having to physically type the word is the only thing that slows her down. ]
yes
[ And she knows she probably shouldn't be saying something like that, but there's no point in lying. It hurt to be pulled away from a life so perfect and sweet. Twice. ]
hellburbia showed me what life's supposed to be
and.....the type of person i could've been
[ for you she almost adds at the end, but ends up deleting it before hitting send. ]
my second life wasn't the best. being part of that family was just constant pressure to maintain perfection.
but you were a bright spot for me.
or i guess more accurately for "him."
[ Even though the distinction can get hard at times. He has two full life times of fake memories swirling around in his mind, it's difficult to not feel like they're a part of him. An extension. That somewhere deep down, he's still Aindreas. And Tech Odinson. ]
sorry you never got your club off the ground.
[ The most insignificant of things to worry about, but it had been important to her. To them. ]
funny. it was the opposite for me. my first life was something i hardly want to think about, at least not in terms of me.....
but having a family, even if i was horrible to them? a father? simple easy worries like what's for dinner, what am i going to wear tomorrow.....
that's why the second life was better, even when i switched families. i was worried about some of the dumbest stuff, but i got to have all the good stuff too
[ She takes a moment to breathe. She's getting worked up and close to tears again. Shedding tears over Hellburbia was supposed to be done and over with. Maybe it had something to do with hearing she was a "bright spot," though. ]
anyway...don't worry about the club. it was a real bright spot for me too, despite it all......
i mean *her*
it's just my lot in life, never getting a club fully off the ground i guess 🙂
"o happy dagger, this is thy sheath. there rust and let me die."
[ A dramatic quote to throw back, sure, but this was a dramatic moment. Her other self loved to throw out quotes, probably pulling from all the books TB had poured into her brain without realizing. Bonding with him without even knowing.
She wipes at a tear and takes a few more breaths. ]
you make it seem like we're cosmically linked or something.....
[ A hesitation. ]
i didn't want to leave again. i wish they'd let me stay
i love them, yeah, but.....i love what i had in hellburbia more
“How happy is the blameless vestal’s lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot. Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d”
[ Seems like it's quote time. And they could probably find a million and one quotes to speak on the situation, to use others words to articulate their feelings in a far better way than they ever could using their own. Well, than he ever could using his own. Monika was always gifted with words. ]
of course they're not gonna understand and they'll villainize you for your decision. make you feel guilty for chasing something they've always had in their lives.
even if their families were shitty, at least they had them.
[ She lets the quote digest a moment, mulls over the rest... ]
yeah
i don't think anyone's understood that yet
i keep getting stared at like i've done something completely stupid. like i'm stupid for wanting those things, even if they were steeped in demon weirdness.....
[ For now, she's out of quotes. She's too caught up on the ignorant bliss he touched on. Was it really so bad...? ]
it really was nice though, wasn't it? having parents that cared about you? siblings to talk to?
and in my case....getting to care for someone like that. a husband and a household. then i had friends to spend time with and some of the dumbest things to keep me busy....
have you talked to any of the people you had a connection to back there? the ones you didn't really know BEFORE you met in hellburbia?
i haven't reached out to anyone except my "mom." and i know it's weird, but it's hard not to feel like there's still some kinda attachment there. even if she is roughly the same age as me.
it's like there's a phantom of all the shit we went through and it won't go away, no matter how much i try to drown it out
i tried to send out some valentines?? i know they're probably not meant for that, but i felt like it'd be super weird if i suddenly sent someone a message like "hi dad! hi son! hi mom!" idk it's a start i guess.....
[ And that avenue of communication is going to work out swimmingly, for sure. ]
part of me is also afraid i'll only want to see them as what they were, for that exact reason...because all that stuff *won't* go away, no matter what i do
i can't just walk up to one of them and ask for them to hug me again like i'm a good daughter
some people are trying to put this all behind them, so idk what's the best thing to do. try to ignore it, try to move forward, talk about it with people?
if you want a temp fix...i recommend frenzy. 💊💊💊
these babies are just the prescription the doctor ordered. i've been downing them like they're pez 🤪🤪🥴🤣
eh it's kinda 50/50 on what it makes you crave. could be sex, could be punching someone until your hand gets busted
either way, i'll take the side effects with the feel good over the sobriety and the feel shit
but like i am so fucked up on other shit right now, i couldn't get a boner if i tried. no offense. you are very boner worthy. aindreas had a few embarrassing ones in class when he thought about seeing you.
omg zeus!!! don't just go saying that stuff!!!! 🤣🤣
[ What if Ava saw?
...Actually, who cares if she does. She giggles to herself as she types what she next does. She's going to have some fun in the way she usually does--without giving an eff about the consequences. Why not, when it's making her smile again? ]
but if we're going to share things like *that*.....
monika brewer was definitely considering the idea of you someday being her first 😏😆
[ It's so absurd, considering the reality of everything, that she has to giggle endlessly at it after hitting send. ]
naturally. because the natural progression probably would've been marriage. idk if that would've been a good thing or a bad thing for monika brewer, getting to be monika fitz and adopting all the performative pressures.
my mom probably would've eaten her alive to make sure she was right for me.
**for him
but maybe aindreas would have loved monika enough to do things his own way and be the affectionate father he never got to have.
[ It's a little fun to speculate about a future that would never be -- if only because maybe it can give closure to something that feels like it needs closure. They had a future ahead of them and that future was stolen. But isn't that their curse? Tech and Monika can never quite make it to the future part. ]
[ Her laughter fades into a frown at what he sends back. After a sigh, she thinks on it all. ]
she was a pushover, but...she really liked perfection a lot. which is kind of like normal me but way worse. like she spent the night crying over getting an A- one time.....
[ Ugh, how pathetic. She didn't like bad grades in her fake school life, but that didn't mean she was going to go that crazy over it. Granted, it would've been pretty pointless in the end anyway. ]
i think she would've managed eventually, because she had a real thirst to prove herself. and if aindreas was involved, well....she'd have worked her hardest to do whatever it took to be with him
besides, katherine wasn't totally invincible 😅 when i was monika mutou i really pissed her off by threatening to try doing the deed with her husband..... 😂😂
....god i was horrible 😬
should we be thinking about this?? we probably shouldn't be thinking about this
[ She hesitates before sending off another thing she probably shouldn't: ]
i'm glad i got that moment with you though, no matter how fake it was
[ Oh geesh. Monika Mutou truly was insatiable, wasn't she? He can only imagine how obsessive his mother probably became afterward, trying to take her down. But then she disappeared and the memories readjusted. Monika would have just become the girl her son liked rather than the woman who threatened to put moves on her husband. Not that Fitz would have gone for it. It's difficult to imagine him even allowing himself to get intimate with Kate with how brisk and standoffish he was. ]
i wanna think about this. i'm tired of pretending like it never happened. it might not do any good, but it's a part of us now.
[ Although there comes a sting with that second comment. It especially doesn't do either of them any good to talk about how perfect that second relationship had been. Or how perfect it could have been. ]
we probably could have had something like that IRL if i'd met you before henry and i'd learned to better deal with my emotions
you got the worst of me. i'm sorry
[ Should he say this potentially hurtful thing? Eh...he's the ex, so he's allowed. ]
but i don't think i got the worst of you. i think that came after me and i'm worried about you, monika.
i'm probably getting too used to so many people treating it like something that needs to be forgotten
[ Her own sting follows, especially at seeing that name in the middle of what she says. She has to take a few moments to calm herself down, and even longer to get back to responding. ]
henry wasn't the only reason i acted the way i did, not that you'd need to worry about him anymore
how can you not think that was the worst of me though??? i was horrible to you
most people are horrible to me so it doesn't really matter. yeah, you cheated but so did i.
still a part of me thinks no matter how nice hellburbia was, if we were together and i was out of there, you wouldn't have gone back. i might not have been enough for you in a relationship, but i'm pretty sure i would have been enough for you to stay behind. or we would have both held hands and walked back in together lmao middle fingers to the rest of penance as hellburbia took us back
but anyway. the people who love you aren't making you feel complete. can anything make you feel complete anymore?
[ She can accept being treated badly! He shouldn't!
What's worse, however, is he's saying things that fill her with a hope she'd been doing her best to squash. She'd felt like she was getting close to managing to do that before Hellburbia, but now... ]
you shouldn't be saying things like that though. you should be worrying about the people *you* love
the person, i mean.....
everything that made me fully complete is gone now, so there's no point in even thinking about getting it back
we're both as complete as we'll ever be
[ Which doesn't answer his question at all, does it? ]
i fell in love with you again in hellburbia. that wasn't preprogrammed or determined. that wasn't a part of our "free will" being taken away from us or whatever. that was real. we met and connected and had something we should have had from the beginning.
so when you say i should be worrying about the people i love, that includes you. for better or worse, it will always include you.
[ She actually drops her phone in shock after reading that. Then she snatches it up and reads everything again. And again and again...
This moment has graced and haunted her dreams from the moment she lost her heart to him. For the longest time, it was the only thing she dreamt of, having him utter those words to her again. All she's ever wanted for ages was to win his love back.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sometime after the burbs
i hope you're okay
[ There's plenty more she could write. Plenty more she'd love to say. But, for once, she thinks a few simple words are just what's needed. ]
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you know i'm not
[ There's a couple seconds of a pause between texts as he snorts his bounty, allowing the pleasant rush to buzz in his ears. ]
but i'll live.
[ A sentiment he's pretty sure she feels as well. ]
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Even if all of this hurts.
She licks her lips, her mind running through a million responses all over again, more feelings she's struggling to get out. And again, she settles on simplicity. ]
i guess that makes two of us then
[ She hesitates a moment, then adds: ]
i don't feel so alone
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would you go back again if you had the choice? would you go back and be with aindreas?
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yes
[ And she knows she probably shouldn't be saying something like that, but there's no point in lying. It hurt to be pulled away from a life so perfect and sweet. Twice. ]
hellburbia showed me what life's supposed to be
and.....the type of person i could've been
[ for you she almost adds at the end, but ends up deleting it before hitting send. ]
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but you were a bright spot for me.
or i guess more accurately for "him."
[ Even though the distinction can get hard at times. He has two full life times of fake memories swirling around in his mind, it's difficult to not feel like they're a part of him. An extension. That somewhere deep down, he's still Aindreas. And Tech Odinson. ]
sorry you never got your club off the ground.
[ The most insignificant of things to worry about, but it had been important to her. To them. ]
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but having a family, even if i was horrible to them? a father? simple easy worries like what's for dinner, what am i going to wear tomorrow.....
that's why the second life was better, even when i switched families. i was worried about some of the dumbest stuff, but i got to have all the good stuff too
[ She takes a moment to breathe. She's getting worked up and close to tears again. Shedding tears over Hellburbia was supposed to be done and over with. Maybe it had something to do with hearing she was a "bright spot," though. ]
anyway...don't worry about the club. it was a real bright spot for me too, despite it all......
i mean *her*
it's just my lot in life, never getting a club fully off the ground i guess 🙂
[ Maybe the emoji will make it hurt less. ]
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and you were mine.
without memories, we're doomed to always repeat our mistakes.
[ But maybe it wouldn't have been a mistake. Maybe Aindreas and Monika could have lived together, had a future. Maybe. ]
the people who love you wouldn't have stopped fighting for you, tho
inevitably, you would have been taken away again. from me.
"thus with a kiss, i die"
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[ A dramatic quote to throw back, sure, but this was a dramatic moment. Her other self loved to throw out quotes, probably pulling from all the books TB had poured into her brain without realizing. Bonding with him without even knowing.
She wipes at a tear and takes a few more breaths. ]
you make it seem like we're cosmically linked or something.....
[ A hesitation. ]
i didn't want to leave again. i wish they'd let me stay
i love them, yeah, but.....i love what i had in hellburbia more
none of them understand that
not like you do
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The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray’r accepted, and each wish resign’d”
[ Seems like it's quote time. And they could probably find a million and one quotes to speak on the situation, to use others words to articulate their feelings in a far better way than they ever could using their own. Well, than he ever could using his own. Monika was always gifted with words. ]
of course they're not gonna understand and they'll villainize you for your decision. make you feel guilty for chasing something they've always had in their lives.
even if their families were shitty, at least they had them.
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yeah
i don't think anyone's understood that yet
i keep getting stared at like i've done something completely stupid. like i'm stupid for wanting those things, even if they were steeped in demon weirdness.....
[ For now, she's out of quotes. She's too caught up on the ignorant bliss he touched on. Was it really so bad...? ]
it really was nice though, wasn't it? having parents that cared about you? siblings to talk to?
and in my case....getting to care for someone like that. a husband and a household. then i had friends to spend time with and some of the dumbest things to keep me busy....
just...*normalcy*
but i guess wanting those things is too much??
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i haven't reached out to anyone except my "mom." and i know it's weird, but it's hard not to feel like there's still some kinda attachment there. even if she is roughly the same age as me.
it's like there's a phantom of all the shit we went through and it won't go away, no matter how much i try to drown it out
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[ And that avenue of communication is going to work out swimmingly, for sure. ]
part of me is also afraid i'll only want to see them as what they were, for that exact reason...because all that stuff *won't* go away, no matter what i do
i can't just walk up to one of them and ask for them to hug me again like i'm a good daughter
[ There's a suspicious delay. ]
right?? i *shouldn't* do that???
[ Maybe just a really quick one... ]
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some people are trying to put this all behind them, so idk what's the best thing to do. try to ignore it, try to move forward, talk about it with people?
if you want a temp fix...i recommend frenzy. 💊💊💊
these babies are just the prescription the doctor ordered. i've been downing them like they're pez 🤪🤪🥴🤣
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do you really think what i need right now is to be uncontrollably...you know....?
then again, i can do dumb stuff like that *without* frenzy......
[ At least she's being honest? Then again, spoiler alert: she's gonna do dumb stuff without the influence of drugs. She's just that good. ]
it's okay, i'll figure something out
probably not alcohol though
the hangovers.... 😣🤢
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either way, i'll take the side effects with the feel good over the sobriety and the feel shit
but like i am so fucked up on other shit right now, i couldn't get a boner if i tried. no offense. you are very boner worthy. aindreas had a few embarrassing ones in class when he thought about seeing you.
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[ What if Ava saw?
...Actually, who cares if she does. She giggles to herself as she types what she next does. She's going to have some fun in the way she usually does--without giving an eff about the consequences. Why not, when it's making her smile again? ]
but if we're going to share things like *that*.....
monika brewer was definitely considering the idea of you someday being her first 😏😆
[ It's so absurd, considering the reality of everything, that she has to giggle endlessly at it after hitting send. ]
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my mom probably would've eaten her alive to make sure she was right for me.
**for him
but maybe aindreas would have loved monika enough to do things his own way and be the affectionate father he never got to have.
[ It's a little fun to speculate about a future that would never be -- if only because maybe it can give closure to something that feels like it needs closure. They had a future ahead of them and that future was stolen. But isn't that their curse? Tech and Monika can never quite make it to the future part. ]
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she was a pushover, but...she really liked perfection a lot. which is kind of like normal me but way worse. like she spent the night crying over getting an A- one time.....
[ Ugh, how pathetic. She didn't like bad grades in her fake school life, but that didn't mean she was going to go that crazy over it. Granted, it would've been pretty pointless in the end anyway. ]
i think she would've managed eventually, because she had a real thirst to prove herself. and if aindreas was involved, well....she'd have worked her hardest to do whatever it took to be with him
besides, katherine wasn't totally invincible 😅 when i was monika mutou i really pissed her off by threatening to try doing the deed with her husband..... 😂😂
....god i was horrible 😬
should we be thinking about this?? we probably shouldn't be thinking about this
[ She hesitates before sending off another thing she probably shouldn't: ]
i'm glad i got that moment with you though, no matter how fake it was
i always will be
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i wanna think about this. i'm tired of pretending like it never happened. it might not do any good, but it's a part of us now.
[ Although there comes a sting with that second comment. It especially doesn't do either of them any good to talk about how perfect that second relationship had been. Or how perfect it could have been. ]
we probably could have had something like that IRL if i'd met you before henry and i'd learned to better deal with my emotions
you got the worst of me. i'm sorry
[ Should he say this potentially hurtful thing? Eh...he's the ex, so he's allowed. ]
but i don't think i got the worst of you. i think that came after me and i'm worried about you, monika.
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i'm probably getting too used to so many people treating it like something that needs to be forgotten
[ Her own sting follows, especially at seeing that name in the middle of what she says. She has to take a few moments to calm herself down, and even longer to get back to responding. ]
henry wasn't the only reason i acted the way i did, not that you'd need to worry about him anymore
how can you not think that was the worst of me though??? i was horrible to you
i'm so much better now
[ Or is she? ]
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still a part of me thinks no matter how nice hellburbia was, if we were together and i was out of there, you wouldn't have gone back. i might not have been enough for you in a relationship, but i'm pretty sure i would have been enough for you to stay behind. or we would have both held hands and walked back in together lmao middle fingers to the rest of penance as hellburbia took us back
but anyway. the people who love you aren't making you feel complete. can anything make you feel complete anymore?
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[ She can accept being treated badly! He shouldn't!
What's worse, however, is he's saying things that fill her with a hope she'd been doing her best to squash. She'd felt like she was getting close to managing to do that before Hellburbia, but now... ]
you shouldn't be saying things like that though. you should be worrying about the people *you* love
the person, i mean.....
everything that made me fully complete is gone now, so there's no point in even thinking about getting it back
we're both as complete as we'll ever be
[ Which doesn't answer his question at all, does it? ]
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so when you say i should be worrying about the people i love, that includes you. for better or worse, it will always include you.
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This moment has graced and haunted her dreams from the moment she lost her heart to him. For the longest time, it was the only thing she dreamt of, having him utter those words to her again. All she's ever wanted for ages was to win his love back.
So why does this hurt so much? ]
please don't say that
you can't love me
you're not supposed to
not anymore
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