have you talked to any of the people you had a connection to back there? the ones you didn't really know BEFORE you met in hellburbia?
i haven't reached out to anyone except my "mom." and i know it's weird, but it's hard not to feel like there's still some kinda attachment there. even if she is roughly the same age as me.
it's like there's a phantom of all the shit we went through and it won't go away, no matter how much i try to drown it out
i tried to send out some valentines?? i know they're probably not meant for that, but i felt like it'd be super weird if i suddenly sent someone a message like "hi dad! hi son! hi mom!" idk it's a start i guess.....
[ And that avenue of communication is going to work out swimmingly, for sure. ]
part of me is also afraid i'll only want to see them as what they were, for that exact reason...because all that stuff *won't* go away, no matter what i do
i can't just walk up to one of them and ask for them to hug me again like i'm a good daughter
some people are trying to put this all behind them, so idk what's the best thing to do. try to ignore it, try to move forward, talk about it with people?
if you want a temp fix...i recommend frenzy. 💊💊💊
these babies are just the prescription the doctor ordered. i've been downing them like they're pez 🤪🤪🥴🤣
eh it's kinda 50/50 on what it makes you crave. could be sex, could be punching someone until your hand gets busted
either way, i'll take the side effects with the feel good over the sobriety and the feel shit
but like i am so fucked up on other shit right now, i couldn't get a boner if i tried. no offense. you are very boner worthy. aindreas had a few embarrassing ones in class when he thought about seeing you.
omg zeus!!! don't just go saying that stuff!!!! 🤣🤣
[ What if Ava saw?
...Actually, who cares if she does. She giggles to herself as she types what she next does. She's going to have some fun in the way she usually does--without giving an eff about the consequences. Why not, when it's making her smile again? ]
but if we're going to share things like *that*.....
monika brewer was definitely considering the idea of you someday being her first 😏😆
[ It's so absurd, considering the reality of everything, that she has to giggle endlessly at it after hitting send. ]
naturally. because the natural progression probably would've been marriage. idk if that would've been a good thing or a bad thing for monika brewer, getting to be monika fitz and adopting all the performative pressures.
my mom probably would've eaten her alive to make sure she was right for me.
**for him
but maybe aindreas would have loved monika enough to do things his own way and be the affectionate father he never got to have.
[ It's a little fun to speculate about a future that would never be -- if only because maybe it can give closure to something that feels like it needs closure. They had a future ahead of them and that future was stolen. But isn't that their curse? Tech and Monika can never quite make it to the future part. ]
[ Her laughter fades into a frown at what he sends back. After a sigh, she thinks on it all. ]
she was a pushover, but...she really liked perfection a lot. which is kind of like normal me but way worse. like she spent the night crying over getting an A- one time.....
[ Ugh, how pathetic. She didn't like bad grades in her fake school life, but that didn't mean she was going to go that crazy over it. Granted, it would've been pretty pointless in the end anyway. ]
i think she would've managed eventually, because she had a real thirst to prove herself. and if aindreas was involved, well....she'd have worked her hardest to do whatever it took to be with him
besides, katherine wasn't totally invincible 😅 when i was monika mutou i really pissed her off by threatening to try doing the deed with her husband..... 😂😂
....god i was horrible 😬
should we be thinking about this?? we probably shouldn't be thinking about this
[ She hesitates before sending off another thing she probably shouldn't: ]
i'm glad i got that moment with you though, no matter how fake it was
[ Oh geesh. Monika Mutou truly was insatiable, wasn't she? He can only imagine how obsessive his mother probably became afterward, trying to take her down. But then she disappeared and the memories readjusted. Monika would have just become the girl her son liked rather than the woman who threatened to put moves on her husband. Not that Fitz would have gone for it. It's difficult to imagine him even allowing himself to get intimate with Kate with how brisk and standoffish he was. ]
i wanna think about this. i'm tired of pretending like it never happened. it might not do any good, but it's a part of us now.
[ Although there comes a sting with that second comment. It especially doesn't do either of them any good to talk about how perfect that second relationship had been. Or how perfect it could have been. ]
we probably could have had something like that IRL if i'd met you before henry and i'd learned to better deal with my emotions
you got the worst of me. i'm sorry
[ Should he say this potentially hurtful thing? Eh...he's the ex, so he's allowed. ]
but i don't think i got the worst of you. i think that came after me and i'm worried about you, monika.
i'm probably getting too used to so many people treating it like something that needs to be forgotten
[ Her own sting follows, especially at seeing that name in the middle of what she says. She has to take a few moments to calm herself down, and even longer to get back to responding. ]
henry wasn't the only reason i acted the way i did, not that you'd need to worry about him anymore
how can you not think that was the worst of me though??? i was horrible to you
most people are horrible to me so it doesn't really matter. yeah, you cheated but so did i.
still a part of me thinks no matter how nice hellburbia was, if we were together and i was out of there, you wouldn't have gone back. i might not have been enough for you in a relationship, but i'm pretty sure i would have been enough for you to stay behind. or we would have both held hands and walked back in together lmao middle fingers to the rest of penance as hellburbia took us back
but anyway. the people who love you aren't making you feel complete. can anything make you feel complete anymore?
[ She can accept being treated badly! He shouldn't!
What's worse, however, is he's saying things that fill her with a hope she'd been doing her best to squash. She'd felt like she was getting close to managing to do that before Hellburbia, but now... ]
you shouldn't be saying things like that though. you should be worrying about the people *you* love
the person, i mean.....
everything that made me fully complete is gone now, so there's no point in even thinking about getting it back
we're both as complete as we'll ever be
[ Which doesn't answer his question at all, does it? ]
i fell in love with you again in hellburbia. that wasn't preprogrammed or determined. that wasn't a part of our "free will" being taken away from us or whatever. that was real. we met and connected and had something we should have had from the beginning.
so when you say i should be worrying about the people i love, that includes you. for better or worse, it will always include you.
[ She actually drops her phone in shock after reading that. Then she snatches it up and reads everything again. And again and again...
This moment has graced and haunted her dreams from the moment she lost her heart to him. For the longest time, it was the only thing she dreamt of, having him utter those words to her again. All she's ever wanted for ages was to win his love back.
i'm not trying to be rude. honestly. maybe i'm a little too high to understand what you would be hoping for.
because you know where i stand. you know why we won't work. i might be able to do an open relationship in terms of fucking around with other people, but i can't do one where i only take up a small fraction of someone's heart.
it's fucking sad and pathetic that it's taken me this long to realize it. me, this amazing and incredible deity who brought the world so much. but i know now that i have value and i'm not going to let myself be tugged around while i hope desperately for some validation.
it's why i put a distance between myself and kaiba. i deserve respect.
[ She starts off slow, but as the emotions work through her, she types faster and faster, hardly minding what comes out. She's held these thoughts in for long enough. They want out. ]
i know you don't think it's possible to care for multiple people at the same level but i've done it. i'm doing it now. i know that involves everyone being okay with that, but we are, and we're happy, or at least doing our best to be that way in a place like this
i thought i could only care for one person, but i can't. i want as much happiness as i can have and if that makes me selfish, then so be it
even so, as much as they're in my heart, it's never going to change one thing
it's never going to change that you're there the most. you're the one that's been there the most from the moment we first touched, and it's going to be that way forever, no matter how long i exist
because i love you too, and i always will
but if being away from you is the best way to respect you, then.....
i'll just keep loving you from afar, like i've already been doing
oh i don't doubt it's possible. and i'm glad you found something that works for you and partners that are cool with it
i'm just not. and maybe that's me being selfish in a different way. but i don't want to share.
i'm not disillusioned enough to think ava's not going to wind up fucking someone else here or that i'm not. it's hell and sometimes that shit is out of our hands. but at the end of the day we return to each other. only each other and that's why it works for me and why i refuse to fuck it up, no matter how much i still love you.
but we don't have to love from afar, do we? i mean, we can talk. we can be in proximity with each other. we can be in each others lives....just not like sexually. i mean, is there a way we can find to do that? because i would like to do that.
Edited (didn't pick an icon lol) 2022-03-07 13:23 (UTC)
[ She takes a long breath. It's nice to hear he wants something from her, and if he'd said something similar around the time after they broke up, she'd probably have snatched up any morsel he threw at her for the chance to be near him.
But now, after having that taste of him again, even if it was in a fantasy... ]
i'm sorry, but...i can't do that
i'm better, but i'm still incredibly selfish.....
if i can't have you the way i want to, then it's best for me to stay away
because if you're happy with someone else, i'm not going to mess that up. and if i get near you....that's exactly what i'll do
if you get near me and something gets messed up, that's on me. not you
look i get what you're trying to do and i appreciate that and all but
but i wanna sign up for your club. because you've been waiting alone in that clubroom for so long for someone real to come along
and here i am
[ Aindreas had wanted to join. He talked about it, waffled over the decision and never got to. So Tech has to in his place -- because Monika has always been alone even when surrounded by a lot of people and what if he's her only hope of salvation? ]
[ This is hurting her in all the worst possible ways. He isn't supposed to do this. He's supposed to be moving on and hating her and making it easier to let him go. For once her life, she's trying to do the right thing, and he's making it feel impossible.
Still. She has to try. ]
i'm sorry aindreas, but like i said, the literature club was never meant to be, no matter the iteration
[ Was that a typo? Intentional? It's hard to tell. ]
[ But why. He wants to ask, wants to demand it of her -- even if it was "never meant to be," couldn't she at least try one more time? She was so happy in the club in her memories until she wasn't. Until humans ruined it for her. She was so happy in the club in Hellburbia until she wasn't. Until their whole world came crashing down around them.
Is it the club or is it just him? He wants to demand this of her, too. But he doesn't. He doesn't say a word until she asks about her heart. ]
a good question
[ Unfortunately when Tech's feelings are hurt, he's more inclined to be petty. ]
but i'm not gonna answer
[ At least it's not an outright "no" which is probably telling in its own right. ]
[ Somehow, that pettiness is exactly what she needed to dig out of her pit of pain. Mostly, anyway. Better than getting so deep she never makes it out.
She makes a face at her phone. That wasn't a no, but jeez. ]
good night then....
stay safe ❤️
[ She puts her phone aside, sighing deeply, then rolls to stare up at the ceiling.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
i haven't reached out to anyone except my "mom." and i know it's weird, but it's hard not to feel like there's still some kinda attachment there. even if she is roughly the same age as me.
it's like there's a phantom of all the shit we went through and it won't go away, no matter how much i try to drown it out
no subject
[ And that avenue of communication is going to work out swimmingly, for sure. ]
part of me is also afraid i'll only want to see them as what they were, for that exact reason...because all that stuff *won't* go away, no matter what i do
i can't just walk up to one of them and ask for them to hug me again like i'm a good daughter
[ There's a suspicious delay. ]
right?? i *shouldn't* do that???
[ Maybe just a really quick one... ]
no subject
some people are trying to put this all behind them, so idk what's the best thing to do. try to ignore it, try to move forward, talk about it with people?
if you want a temp fix...i recommend frenzy. 💊💊💊
these babies are just the prescription the doctor ordered. i've been downing them like they're pez 🤪🤪🥴🤣
no subject
do you really think what i need right now is to be uncontrollably...you know....?
then again, i can do dumb stuff like that *without* frenzy......
[ At least she's being honest? Then again, spoiler alert: she's gonna do dumb stuff without the influence of drugs. She's just that good. ]
it's okay, i'll figure something out
probably not alcohol though
the hangovers.... 😣🤢
no subject
either way, i'll take the side effects with the feel good over the sobriety and the feel shit
but like i am so fucked up on other shit right now, i couldn't get a boner if i tried. no offense. you are very boner worthy. aindreas had a few embarrassing ones in class when he thought about seeing you.
no subject
[ What if Ava saw?
...Actually, who cares if she does. She giggles to herself as she types what she next does. She's going to have some fun in the way she usually does--without giving an eff about the consequences. Why not, when it's making her smile again? ]
but if we're going to share things like *that*.....
monika brewer was definitely considering the idea of you someday being her first 😏😆
[ It's so absurd, considering the reality of everything, that she has to giggle endlessly at it after hitting send. ]
no subject
my mom probably would've eaten her alive to make sure she was right for me.
**for him
but maybe aindreas would have loved monika enough to do things his own way and be the affectionate father he never got to have.
[ It's a little fun to speculate about a future that would never be -- if only because maybe it can give closure to something that feels like it needs closure. They had a future ahead of them and that future was stolen. But isn't that their curse? Tech and Monika can never quite make it to the future part. ]
no subject
she was a pushover, but...she really liked perfection a lot. which is kind of like normal me but way worse. like she spent the night crying over getting an A- one time.....
[ Ugh, how pathetic. She didn't like bad grades in her fake school life, but that didn't mean she was going to go that crazy over it. Granted, it would've been pretty pointless in the end anyway. ]
i think she would've managed eventually, because she had a real thirst to prove herself. and if aindreas was involved, well....she'd have worked her hardest to do whatever it took to be with him
besides, katherine wasn't totally invincible 😅 when i was monika mutou i really pissed her off by threatening to try doing the deed with her husband..... 😂😂
....god i was horrible 😬
should we be thinking about this?? we probably shouldn't be thinking about this
[ She hesitates before sending off another thing she probably shouldn't: ]
i'm glad i got that moment with you though, no matter how fake it was
i always will be
no subject
i wanna think about this. i'm tired of pretending like it never happened. it might not do any good, but it's a part of us now.
[ Although there comes a sting with that second comment. It especially doesn't do either of them any good to talk about how perfect that second relationship had been. Or how perfect it could have been. ]
we probably could have had something like that IRL if i'd met you before henry and i'd learned to better deal with my emotions
you got the worst of me. i'm sorry
[ Should he say this potentially hurtful thing? Eh...he's the ex, so he's allowed. ]
but i don't think i got the worst of you. i think that came after me and i'm worried about you, monika.
no subject
i'm probably getting too used to so many people treating it like something that needs to be forgotten
[ Her own sting follows, especially at seeing that name in the middle of what she says. She has to take a few moments to calm herself down, and even longer to get back to responding. ]
henry wasn't the only reason i acted the way i did, not that you'd need to worry about him anymore
how can you not think that was the worst of me though??? i was horrible to you
i'm so much better now
[ Or is she? ]
no subject
still a part of me thinks no matter how nice hellburbia was, if we were together and i was out of there, you wouldn't have gone back. i might not have been enough for you in a relationship, but i'm pretty sure i would have been enough for you to stay behind. or we would have both held hands and walked back in together lmao middle fingers to the rest of penance as hellburbia took us back
but anyway. the people who love you aren't making you feel complete. can anything make you feel complete anymore?
no subject
[ She can accept being treated badly! He shouldn't!
What's worse, however, is he's saying things that fill her with a hope she'd been doing her best to squash. She'd felt like she was getting close to managing to do that before Hellburbia, but now... ]
you shouldn't be saying things like that though. you should be worrying about the people *you* love
the person, i mean.....
everything that made me fully complete is gone now, so there's no point in even thinking about getting it back
we're both as complete as we'll ever be
[ Which doesn't answer his question at all, does it? ]
no subject
so when you say i should be worrying about the people i love, that includes you. for better or worse, it will always include you.
no subject
This moment has graced and haunted her dreams from the moment she lost her heart to him. For the longest time, it was the only thing she dreamt of, having him utter those words to her again. All she's ever wanted for ages was to win his love back.
So why does this hurt so much? ]
please don't say that
you can't love me
you're not supposed to
not anymore
no subject
[ He sends to be a little shit. ]
do you seriously think i got a choice in the matter??
geesh.
but loving you is very different from being with you.
that part we can't do again
no subject
[ She tries to calm herself, but...nope, she can't. She's gone from hurt to riled up and frantic. ]
i've spent this long trying to let you go, knowing i can't have you
don't give me that hope again
**please**
no subject
i'm not trying to be rude. honestly. maybe i'm a little too high to understand what you would be hoping for.
because you know where i stand. you know why we won't work. i might be able to do an open relationship in terms of fucking around with other people, but i can't do one where i only take up a small fraction of someone's heart.
it's fucking sad and pathetic that it's taken me this long to realize it. me, this amazing and incredible deity who brought the world so much. but i know now that i have value and i'm not going to let myself be tugged around while i hope desperately for some validation.
it's why i put a distance between myself and kaiba. i deserve respect.
no subject
you wouldn't take up a small part of my heart
[ She starts off slow, but as the emotions work through her, she types faster and faster, hardly minding what comes out. She's held these thoughts in for long enough. They want out. ]
i know you don't think it's possible to care for multiple people at the same level but i've done it. i'm doing it now. i know that involves everyone being okay with that, but we are, and we're happy, or at least doing our best to be that way in a place like this
i thought i could only care for one person, but i can't. i want as much happiness as i can have and if that makes me selfish, then so be it
even so, as much as they're in my heart, it's never going to change one thing
it's never going to change that you're there the most. you're the one that's been there the most from the moment we first touched, and it's going to be that way forever, no matter how long i exist
because i love you too, and i always will
but if being away from you is the best way to respect you, then.....
i'll just keep loving you from afar, like i've already been doing
no subject
i'm just not. and maybe that's me being selfish in a different way. but i don't want to share.
i'm not disillusioned enough to think ava's not going to wind up fucking someone else here or that i'm not. it's hell and sometimes that shit is out of our hands. but at the end of the day we return to each other. only each other and that's why it works for me and why i refuse to fuck it up, no matter how much i still love you.
but we don't have to love from afar, do we? i mean, we can talk. we can be in proximity with each other. we can be in each others lives....just not like sexually. i mean, is there a way we can find to do that? because i would like to do that.
no subject
But now, after having that taste of him again, even if it was in a fantasy... ]
i'm sorry, but...i can't do that
i'm better, but i'm still incredibly selfish.....
if i can't have you the way i want to, then it's best for me to stay away
because if you're happy with someone else, i'm not going to mess that up. and if i get near you....that's exactly what i'll do
no subject
look i get what you're trying to do and i appreciate that and all but
but i wanna sign up for your club. because you've been waiting alone in that clubroom for so long for someone real to come along
and here i am
[ Aindreas had wanted to join. He talked about it, waffled over the decision and never got to. So Tech has to in his place -- because Monika has always been alone even when surrounded by a lot of people and what if he's her only hope of salvation? ]
no subject
Still. She has to try. ]
i'm sorry aindreas, but like i said, the literature club was never meant to be, no matter the iteration
[ Was that a typo? Intentional? It's hard to tell. ]
just let me ask you one last thing.....
do you still have my heart??
no subject
Is it the club or is it just him? He wants to demand this of her, too. But he doesn't. He doesn't say a word until she asks about her heart. ]
a good question
[ Unfortunately when Tech's feelings are hurt, he's more inclined to be petty. ]
but i'm not gonna answer
[ At least it's not an outright "no" which is probably telling in its own right. ]
no subject
She makes a face at her phone. That wasn't a no, but jeez. ]
good night then....
stay safe ❤️
[ She puts her phone aside, sighing deeply, then rolls to stare up at the ceiling.
Being a good person sucked. ]