[ She can accept being treated badly! He shouldn't!
What's worse, however, is he's saying things that fill her with a hope she'd been doing her best to squash. She'd felt like she was getting close to managing to do that before Hellburbia, but now... ]
you shouldn't be saying things like that though. you should be worrying about the people *you* love
the person, i mean.....
everything that made me fully complete is gone now, so there's no point in even thinking about getting it back
we're both as complete as we'll ever be
[ Which doesn't answer his question at all, does it? ]
i fell in love with you again in hellburbia. that wasn't preprogrammed or determined. that wasn't a part of our "free will" being taken away from us or whatever. that was real. we met and connected and had something we should have had from the beginning.
so when you say i should be worrying about the people i love, that includes you. for better or worse, it will always include you.
[ She actually drops her phone in shock after reading that. Then she snatches it up and reads everything again. And again and again...
This moment has graced and haunted her dreams from the moment she lost her heart to him. For the longest time, it was the only thing she dreamt of, having him utter those words to her again. All she's ever wanted for ages was to win his love back.
i'm not trying to be rude. honestly. maybe i'm a little too high to understand what you would be hoping for.
because you know where i stand. you know why we won't work. i might be able to do an open relationship in terms of fucking around with other people, but i can't do one where i only take up a small fraction of someone's heart.
it's fucking sad and pathetic that it's taken me this long to realize it. me, this amazing and incredible deity who brought the world so much. but i know now that i have value and i'm not going to let myself be tugged around while i hope desperately for some validation.
it's why i put a distance between myself and kaiba. i deserve respect.
[ She starts off slow, but as the emotions work through her, she types faster and faster, hardly minding what comes out. She's held these thoughts in for long enough. They want out. ]
i know you don't think it's possible to care for multiple people at the same level but i've done it. i'm doing it now. i know that involves everyone being okay with that, but we are, and we're happy, or at least doing our best to be that way in a place like this
i thought i could only care for one person, but i can't. i want as much happiness as i can have and if that makes me selfish, then so be it
even so, as much as they're in my heart, it's never going to change one thing
it's never going to change that you're there the most. you're the one that's been there the most from the moment we first touched, and it's going to be that way forever, no matter how long i exist
because i love you too, and i always will
but if being away from you is the best way to respect you, then.....
i'll just keep loving you from afar, like i've already been doing
oh i don't doubt it's possible. and i'm glad you found something that works for you and partners that are cool with it
i'm just not. and maybe that's me being selfish in a different way. but i don't want to share.
i'm not disillusioned enough to think ava's not going to wind up fucking someone else here or that i'm not. it's hell and sometimes that shit is out of our hands. but at the end of the day we return to each other. only each other and that's why it works for me and why i refuse to fuck it up, no matter how much i still love you.
but we don't have to love from afar, do we? i mean, we can talk. we can be in proximity with each other. we can be in each others lives....just not like sexually. i mean, is there a way we can find to do that? because i would like to do that.
Edited (didn't pick an icon lol) 2022-03-07 13:23 (UTC)
[ She takes a long breath. It's nice to hear he wants something from her, and if he'd said something similar around the time after they broke up, she'd probably have snatched up any morsel he threw at her for the chance to be near him.
But now, after having that taste of him again, even if it was in a fantasy... ]
i'm sorry, but...i can't do that
i'm better, but i'm still incredibly selfish.....
if i can't have you the way i want to, then it's best for me to stay away
because if you're happy with someone else, i'm not going to mess that up. and if i get near you....that's exactly what i'll do
if you get near me and something gets messed up, that's on me. not you
look i get what you're trying to do and i appreciate that and all but
but i wanna sign up for your club. because you've been waiting alone in that clubroom for so long for someone real to come along
and here i am
[ Aindreas had wanted to join. He talked about it, waffled over the decision and never got to. So Tech has to in his place -- because Monika has always been alone even when surrounded by a lot of people and what if he's her only hope of salvation? ]
[ This is hurting her in all the worst possible ways. He isn't supposed to do this. He's supposed to be moving on and hating her and making it easier to let him go. For once her life, she's trying to do the right thing, and he's making it feel impossible.
Still. She has to try. ]
i'm sorry aindreas, but like i said, the literature club was never meant to be, no matter the iteration
[ Was that a typo? Intentional? It's hard to tell. ]
[ But why. He wants to ask, wants to demand it of her -- even if it was "never meant to be," couldn't she at least try one more time? She was so happy in the club in her memories until she wasn't. Until humans ruined it for her. She was so happy in the club in Hellburbia until she wasn't. Until their whole world came crashing down around them.
Is it the club or is it just him? He wants to demand this of her, too. But he doesn't. He doesn't say a word until she asks about her heart. ]
a good question
[ Unfortunately when Tech's feelings are hurt, he's more inclined to be petty. ]
but i'm not gonna answer
[ At least it's not an outright "no" which is probably telling in its own right. ]
[ Somehow, that pettiness is exactly what she needed to dig out of her pit of pain. Mostly, anyway. Better than getting so deep she never makes it out.
She makes a face at her phone. That wasn't a no, but jeez. ]
good night then....
stay safe ❤️
[ She puts her phone aside, sighing deeply, then rolls to stare up at the ceiling.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ She can accept being treated badly! He shouldn't!
What's worse, however, is he's saying things that fill her with a hope she'd been doing her best to squash. She'd felt like she was getting close to managing to do that before Hellburbia, but now... ]
you shouldn't be saying things like that though. you should be worrying about the people *you* love
the person, i mean.....
everything that made me fully complete is gone now, so there's no point in even thinking about getting it back
we're both as complete as we'll ever be
[ Which doesn't answer his question at all, does it? ]
no subject
so when you say i should be worrying about the people i love, that includes you. for better or worse, it will always include you.
no subject
This moment has graced and haunted her dreams from the moment she lost her heart to him. For the longest time, it was the only thing she dreamt of, having him utter those words to her again. All she's ever wanted for ages was to win his love back.
So why does this hurt so much? ]
please don't say that
you can't love me
you're not supposed to
not anymore
no subject
[ He sends to be a little shit. ]
do you seriously think i got a choice in the matter??
geesh.
but loving you is very different from being with you.
that part we can't do again
no subject
[ She tries to calm herself, but...nope, she can't. She's gone from hurt to riled up and frantic. ]
i've spent this long trying to let you go, knowing i can't have you
don't give me that hope again
**please**
no subject
i'm not trying to be rude. honestly. maybe i'm a little too high to understand what you would be hoping for.
because you know where i stand. you know why we won't work. i might be able to do an open relationship in terms of fucking around with other people, but i can't do one where i only take up a small fraction of someone's heart.
it's fucking sad and pathetic that it's taken me this long to realize it. me, this amazing and incredible deity who brought the world so much. but i know now that i have value and i'm not going to let myself be tugged around while i hope desperately for some validation.
it's why i put a distance between myself and kaiba. i deserve respect.
no subject
you wouldn't take up a small part of my heart
[ She starts off slow, but as the emotions work through her, she types faster and faster, hardly minding what comes out. She's held these thoughts in for long enough. They want out. ]
i know you don't think it's possible to care for multiple people at the same level but i've done it. i'm doing it now. i know that involves everyone being okay with that, but we are, and we're happy, or at least doing our best to be that way in a place like this
i thought i could only care for one person, but i can't. i want as much happiness as i can have and if that makes me selfish, then so be it
even so, as much as they're in my heart, it's never going to change one thing
it's never going to change that you're there the most. you're the one that's been there the most from the moment we first touched, and it's going to be that way forever, no matter how long i exist
because i love you too, and i always will
but if being away from you is the best way to respect you, then.....
i'll just keep loving you from afar, like i've already been doing
no subject
i'm just not. and maybe that's me being selfish in a different way. but i don't want to share.
i'm not disillusioned enough to think ava's not going to wind up fucking someone else here or that i'm not. it's hell and sometimes that shit is out of our hands. but at the end of the day we return to each other. only each other and that's why it works for me and why i refuse to fuck it up, no matter how much i still love you.
but we don't have to love from afar, do we? i mean, we can talk. we can be in proximity with each other. we can be in each others lives....just not like sexually. i mean, is there a way we can find to do that? because i would like to do that.
no subject
But now, after having that taste of him again, even if it was in a fantasy... ]
i'm sorry, but...i can't do that
i'm better, but i'm still incredibly selfish.....
if i can't have you the way i want to, then it's best for me to stay away
because if you're happy with someone else, i'm not going to mess that up. and if i get near you....that's exactly what i'll do
no subject
look i get what you're trying to do and i appreciate that and all but
but i wanna sign up for your club. because you've been waiting alone in that clubroom for so long for someone real to come along
and here i am
[ Aindreas had wanted to join. He talked about it, waffled over the decision and never got to. So Tech has to in his place -- because Monika has always been alone even when surrounded by a lot of people and what if he's her only hope of salvation? ]
no subject
Still. She has to try. ]
i'm sorry aindreas, but like i said, the literature club was never meant to be, no matter the iteration
[ Was that a typo? Intentional? It's hard to tell. ]
just let me ask you one last thing.....
do you still have my heart??
no subject
Is it the club or is it just him? He wants to demand this of her, too. But he doesn't. He doesn't say a word until she asks about her heart. ]
a good question
[ Unfortunately when Tech's feelings are hurt, he's more inclined to be petty. ]
but i'm not gonna answer
[ At least it's not an outright "no" which is probably telling in its own right. ]
no subject
She makes a face at her phone. That wasn't a no, but jeez. ]
good night then....
stay safe ❤️
[ She puts her phone aside, sighing deeply, then rolls to stare up at the ceiling.
Being a good person sucked. ]