[It was disorienting the first time Jaskier arrived in Penance. Upon his arrival, he couldn't help but wonder and fear that perhaps something went further awry with Voleth Meir and perhaps things hadn't reached their end after all. So, instead, he buried himself in that childish instinct that it was all just a dream. Something that he could jolt himself awake from and find himself safe and sound (albeit likely a bit cold) in Kaer Morhen with everyone else... Well, claiming the witchers, the child surprise, or the sorceress were all really hale and hearty might be a bit of a stretch. But they were at least all in one piece in the end even if there was a great deal yet to do and troubling matters to navigate between one another. But those sorts of impulses and attempts at delusion never really hold fast against reality when one's mind remains woefully intact. Thus, Jaskier soon had his feet under him.]
[But this time is a bit different. It's different because it's not the first time Jaskier's found himself in this place, arriving the manner he has, and he's entirely aware of that fact as he's greeted by the familiar sight of the hotel lobby. Jaskier draws a breath to steady himself, trying to quell the panic he feels rising into and constricting his throat, and swallows hard. They had been in Mammon's domain last he remembers it. Fled there because of yet another attempt on Lucifer's life or some other such nonsense. (For as much as the demon lords of this place seem to like to present themselves as superior, Jaskier cannot help but see how painfully [and almost disappointingly] similar they are to their human counterparts.) Standing there a moment, he tries to summon up the last of what he remembers to as much clarity as he can.]
[He had opted to stay in a cottage with Yennefer, of course. He couldn't very well stand to be in the same place that Tech... And Yennefer. She couldn't really be on her own. Even if she didn't need Jaskier (or anyone else) around, Jaskier knew she'd be better for it. And he owed it to her after all the time and effort she put into keeping him from falling the fuck apart every night after Tech disappeared, which she never really stopped doing even well after Jaskier didn't need it quite as much. Geralt, too. Eventually. Likely when Geralt felt like he wouldn't fuck things up by failing to resist the temptation to have a sample of his boot leather mid-conversation because he spoke too bluntly or misjudged the tone of a conversation. It wasn't perhaps a terrible idea to give Jaskier his space and was oddly nice change of pace for the witcher to pay such consideration to the bard's feelings, but Jaskier didn't find it necessary in all honesty. Jaskier just didn't want to be left entirely alone and really couldn't have cared whether he was offended or had his feelings hurt at that point. At least it was something other than the grief. So, Geralt could have eaten his entire boot in the span of an hour and it wouldn't have made some terrible difference as the witcher likely thought it would.]
[But at least he came around. Eventually.]
[Nothing strikes Jaskier as an explanation of how exactly he came to be in this place again though as he thinks back. It's just as though one day he was in Mammon's domain, and the next he found himself dragged back into Hell exactly where it all began for him. And most disturbingly, almost exactly as it was, too. Jaskier sees so few traces of the previous destruction Lucifer had only managed to barely conceal from the occupants—sinners and demons alike—for a short period of time before everyone needed to flee yet again.]
[And so, with that unease coming from such a significant lack of explanation, Jaskier makes his way toward the front desk. He doesn't choose them first because the demons have ever been particularly forthright or altogether helpful when it comes to information historically, but it is a starting point. It's something.]
[Jaskier gets no more than a few steps of the way there though when something catches his eye and stops him immediately. Or rather someone.]
[Part of him feels a bit apprehensive to give in so quickly to what he sees without a bit more skepticism. After so much time in Hell, he should know better. He should know that seeing what you want to see is almost always a lie, and at best, one can really only hope it leads to merely disappointment rather than something far worse. But that's the part of Jaskier that possesses any semblance of sense and he's not quite so accustomed to wielding any of that with any great success for very long. The apprehension caves so quickly to the immediate swell he feels in the center of his chest and the blurring of his vision. It leaves Jaskier in the shape and form of Tech's name as he releases the breath he began to hold the moment Jaskier laid eyes upon him.]
[Jaskier's is voice all too quiet to be heard over the usual din of the hotel lobby even when he utters Tech's name again. The first time was weak, almost as though he were plagued by a lack of use to his own voice and uncertain how to make it louder. The second, he utters it in such a way, it could almost be mistaken for prayer. Be here, he pleads, silently and selfishly, all the while surrendering to the undeniable pull toward Tech and abandoning his original intention of trying to find his footing with the demons working the front desk.]
[Be here with me.]
Tech—
[It's the only bit of warning Jaskier can really offer Tech, particularly if Tech doesn't manage to see Jaskier on his approach in time. It's not very loud, Jaskier's voice choked and subdued by more emotion than even he knows how to express. Grief and longing intertwine and burrow themselves just as deeply as joy and yearning being brought to an end, removing any and all remote possibility of hesitation as Jaskier more or less launches himself at Tech. He can think of nothing more than to be in his arms and taste his kiss once more, eagerly seeking both without hesitation and regardless of whether Tech manages to successfully brace himself or if they spill onto the floor together. It doesn't matter because he's home. He's home. And it's that feeling that Jaskier's craved and ached and longed for for what felt to be so long and so deeply that he doesn't care if he should drown and suffocate right here while diving so recklessly into it. He just wants that feeling that he'd been without again, wants it affirmed more and more.]
[And so, somewhere amid his effusive affections, one of Jaskier's hands finds its way to the center of Tech's chest to sate that very want. At nearly the very first beat of Tech's heart against his palm, Jaskier breaks the kiss with a laugh. The sound is thin and light just as much from the ferocity of his kisses leaving him breathless as it is because it feels that were he truly to allow anything greater, a sob might take hold instead. Fortunately, it has no bearing on the smile Jaskier wears when he looks at Tech now even if it is a bit of a watery one.]
Hi, [he says before there's another bubble of relieved laughter, a bit stronger than the one that preceded it. Jaskier kisses the corner of Tech's mouth briefly, unable to resist the urge to start making up for all those lost kisses just as he had the first time they were separated. Jaskier's free hand caresses Tech's cheek like he is the most precious being in all the world because he is and for a moment, all Jaskier can do is simply look at Tech with such wonder. Jaskier rests his forehead against Tech's, nuzzling as he continues stroking his cheek with a thumb, and lets Tech in one of the most poorly kept secrets in the world as though it were the opposite.] I missed you.
[ He would like to think he would notice Jaskier anywhere -- and the truth is, undistracted and searching, he likely would. Right now, he's engaged in a conversation with one of the local demons. Or a better description would be an argument. Much of the equipment in Tech's home had become defunct and he needed replacements. There had been a lab here once with his fa-- with Fitz in charge and Tech needed access. This lousy demon didn't seem to want to give it to him, even though he was the one in charge. Reason being? The demon was one of the ones Tech attacked when Ava went missing. And at the edge of his frustration, Tech's ready to threaten him that he'd finish the job people held him back from the first time around if this guy didn't open the door. ]
Listen here you inconsequential motherfucking sack of absolute, shriveled up, geriatric coc--
[ He catches it out of his peripheral, far too late to react. Muscles tense as Jaskier plows into him and he's too stunned to answer, the end of his insult becoming a sound against Jaskier's lips -- swallowed into the kiss as they stumble back against the wall. But Jaskier's not here. He's not here. He wasn't here. And could Tech truly trust his mind? It was why he needed the computer parts. He needed to run a diagnostic. He needed to see if he's gone mad. He needed to see if a piece of him was missing. He needed to know if Folkmore was imagined and if not, he needed to get back there. Because that was the only Jaskier he had now. Because Jaskier isn't here....
Tech has yet to close his eyes, staring at this dream come true -- tasting his lips while his mind refuses to process what's in front of him. It had to be a trick. This place was always tricking the mind. This was an incubus, wearing the skin of his beloved. Or this was an illusion and if he caves into it, he'll find himself in bed with a stranger. Or a shadow, ready to suck out his soul through a kiss. Fingers curl into the bed of his palm, flexing and releasing -- fighting to keep his wits about him.
Then the hand comes to his heart.
It's no illusion. It's no fantasy. Tech's hand flies up to capture Jaskier's, to hold it there and press it taut.
Home.
The anger and confusion and skepticism all flee at once. Tears burn their way to the surface because this was all he had wanted for months. This was his Jaskier -- a Jaskier he thought about daily. A Jaskier he wrote to at night. A Jaskier he imagined. A Jaskier he wished the Jaskier he had could be. And one, he'd shamefully admit, he imagined that Jaskier was...in the dark of night while they made love.
Tech's hand captures Jaskier's other hand as it rests on his cheek, holding both of them in lingering disbelief. And then everything that seemed to be in slow motion comes back to real time. A laughed sob escapes him and he squeezes both of Jaskier's hands. It's a few weeks late. The date of their milestones have come and gone. But saying it late was far superior to the alternative of never getting to say it at all. ]
H-happy anniversary...
[ His lips quiver and the tears freely stream. Tech does little to hold them back now, launching himself forward to make up for his complete lack of response to the initial kiss by kissing Jaskier with fervor. ]
[With a soft noise, Jaskier meets Tech's fervor eagerly when Tech finally, blessedly returns Jaskier's affection in full. The sound itself isn't meant to be particularly enticing though. It hardly can be when it's really a question instead of something inspired by the press of Tech's lips against his. The mention of an anniversary makes little sense to Jaskier as by Jaskier's recollection, they have months before any arrive. Nearly a whole third of the year actually...]
[But for the moment, the question remains unasked. Jaskier can hardly stay focused on it or any concerns that might arise with it when he's too immediately taken by not just the familiarity of Tech's kiss, but the wave of relief that floods all of his senses the moment Tech's lips meet his. It's not as though he doubted his own eyes or the steady beat of Tech's heart beneath his hand. (Jaskier couldn't even begin to call the latter into question to begin with, but especially not after Tech pressed his hand there all the firmer.) But he feels like a man receiving his first bite of real food after months of fasting at Tech's kiss. As much as he had learned to carry his grief and divert his mind from the ugly reality of what became of those souls that seemingly left this place, Jaskier never really figured out how to dull this particular ache. This want of Tech and his kisses and his touch was nothing that could ever be softened or satiated in any meaningful capacity. The most Jaskier could do was drown it out in alcohol and Yennefer had seen to the removal of that as an option most nights for him.]
[He's greedy though, of course. It's not enough to just have his kiss, to nip at lips until they part and the kiss can deepen. He wants the feel of Tech's embrace as well. Much like his kiss, being held in Tech's arms brings about a unique warmth and safety that comes from Tech upholding his promise of protecting Jaskier from his nightmares that Jaskier has not felt since Tech disappeared. Not wanting to break the kiss, Jaskier tries to intimate what he wants by moving his own hands. The hand on Tech's cheek turns to take hold of Tech's hand before gently directing it toward over Jaskier's shoulder while the other over Tech's heart slips free to rest at Tech's hip. Fingers curl into the fabric of Tech's clothes at his hip while the other hand releases Tech's to return to his cheek once more. With fewer limbs in the way, Jaskier settles himself against Tech, unashamedly leaning his weight against him.]
[As Tech can likely easily surmise at this point, Jaskier doesn't particularly care how it's accomplished, he just wants to be close to Tech. He wants Tech to feels more tangible and real than anything or anyone ever has in his life. Because then that will mean there isn't any sort of danger of Tech somehow disappearing again, and leaving Jaskier behind again.]
[Oh gods, how he doesn't want to be left behind again. How he doesn't want to have to contemplate the possible reality that all their plans and hopes, and that entire wonderful dream of their lives together that Jaskier once held so close, he didn't even dare share it with Tech for the longest time would be nothing more than that. A dream. Gone and lost just as easily with the return to reality as any other dream might be come morning.]
[ Oh how Tech wants to remain in this kiss, locked into the sensation of Jaskier's lips and the warmth spreading much further than their mouths. It's amazing how the world melts away and becomes only Jaskier. Tech's arms follow where they're guided, giving Jaskier all that he's asking for unspoken. Jaskier could have anything and everything from Tech he wanted at the moment. It's the least he could give.
In Folkmore, he floated around the idea of soulmates with Jaskier and he truly believes they are. Every version of Jaskier, Tech will fall in love with. There's no question about that. But this Jaskier? This is his Jaskier. This is the one he fell in love with first and the one he always wanted to return to. This is the Jaskier who set this whirlwind into motion, who gave Tech's life meaning.
Tech thought he would never see him again. He thought even if he found Jaskier at this age in his world, he wouldn't remember what they'd been through and Tech would have to start all over again. He thought this Jaskier was lost forever, only to be a memory -- a sacrifice to some future version who would be Tech's forever Jaskier. And Tech's not sure whether it's relief or something else that causes the tears to fall without end, but he whimpers against Jaskier's lips -- trembles from an attempt to repress this well of emotion and then he can't hold it back any longer. The dam bursts and he tapers off Jaskier's lips to tighten their embrace and sob. It's ugly, loud and heaving. Grief, relief, guilt and regret all intermingled.
The demon Tech had been arguing with moments ago lets out a snide, derisive sound, mumbling about sinners being pathetic before departing, but Tech doesn't care. His entire world is in his arms -- tangible and real and exactly as remembered. With Jaskier it's safe to pour out these emotions because for as judgemental as the bard could be about certain things, he never once judged Tech's feelings. This is about the only place his feelings aren't judged and Jaskier's presence acts as a shield to prevent Tech from worrying about outside looks because they don't exist. It's only Jaskier. Only Jaskier. Only Jaskier. ]
Tell me you're really here.
[ He manages to choke out after a shuddered breath. ]
Tell me I haven't lost my mind.
[ Not because Tech doubts. The hand to his heart chased away doubt. But primarily because he wants to hear Jaskier's voice -- his sweet siren voice, melodic even in speech. The beautiful baritone that has barely spoken in favor of the long awaited kiss. ]
[When the dam breaks, it's exactly as it was that first night at the piano. As Tech tightens the embrace, Jaskier draws Tech into himself. He releases his hold on Tech's clothes to wrap an arm around his middle, pulling Tech away from the wall and more firmly against Jaskier. The hand at Tech's cheek slipping to cradle the back of his head and allow Tech to bury his face into Jaskier's shoulder or the crook of his neck as he sobs. Fingers brush through Tech's hair, grazing at his scalp with each pass as Jaskier murmurs quietly to Tech just as he had before, knowing that it was entirely possible his words were lost to Tech in the thundering crash of emotion.]
[I'm right here.]
[I've got you.]
[I'm not going anywhere.]
[Over and over, Jaskier reassures him quietly and all without even sparing a glance to anyone else. Least of all to that demon when it matters so much more to Jaskier that he's here with Tech. That he can safeguard his emotions and share in them, too. That grief and loss being replaced with such relief and joy making all words and possible other expressions of these feelings seem to pale in comparison to the real depth and magnitude of them all.]
[Once Tech's able to settle himself down enough to ask for confirmation that this isn't some extremely convoluted illusion or a bittersweet dream, Jaskier releases Tech in favor of holding his face in his hands. Gently, he wipes at the moisture on Tech's cheeks, trying to dry them off before the tracks can linger and make his face itchy all the while neglecting his own lingering tears that still blur the edges of his vision before slipping free.]
It's me, [he promises and reassures. Jaskier nods, smiling and releasing the breath he didn't realize he was holding into a shuddering, breathless laugh.] It's really me, dear heart. Gods, Tech, I...
[He presses a gentle, brief kiss to Tech's lips before resting his forehead against his with his eyes closed. One hand remains at Tech's cheek while the other slips from Tech's face, tracing a line down his neck and over his collarbone until it settles once more just above Tech's heart. Jaskier draws a breath and then, barely above a whisper, he confesses,]
[ So you've realized it, too... he nearly says a breath away from Jaskier's lips. So you've realized it, too... he thinks instead, a private, embittered thought. The love they share is impossibly far reaching. It could transcend worlds and timelines. But this version of Jaskier? The one who loved Tech first, who set things into motion? He was doomed to a future of loss...whether because Tech vanished and he had to live with that or because he found himself elsewhere (home or even another world) without memories. The pain wouldn't be as poignant in the latter case, but the truth is always there. This version of them would never have a happy ending and when this version of them is exactly what the other needs, that's a terrifying thing to have to face. Loss and loneliness.
But by that same logic, they shouldn't have even had a second chance. So this is something to be celebrated, isn't it? Rejoicing in the fact that they were somehow allotted more time. That's how Jaskier would view it. But Tech can't help but hear the pain in Jaskier's voice, that quivering fear of loss. Guilt forms an icy pit in the center of his stomach.
He didn't leave Jaskier intentionally. The fox showing up was disorienting and before he knew it, when he looked back -- his bed and Jaskier could no longer be seen. You'll go back for him, right? He'd somehow managed to ask Thirteen, a quiet plea. Thirteen never answered. Not directly. But she gave him a sly little smile which felt like answer enough. In a place of possibilities and potential, Tech thought he and Jaskier were going to get to take this wonderful thing they built and allow it to blossom in a better place than hell.
But in the end, Tech left Jaskier. He left him here and he left him there. An unshakable weight comes with that. Returning to this version of Jaskier was everything Tech had wanted, and yet in the back of his mind, he wonders how the younger version would react to the loss. Would he be, not just sad, but devastated as well? Tech gets the sense this Jaskier had been left in a state of devastation -- the way he confesses his fear like a quiet prayer. A younger Jaskier doesn't need Tech the same way. He's less broken and less plagued by the haunting echoes of torture, but even so... loss can be gutting.
It would be far too easy to wallow in the pessimism of his thoughts. He's inclined toward it, after all. Tech's always been a glass half-empty sorta guy. But Jaskier needs him to not be that guy. He needs Tech to be what he learned to be around his younger version. Stronger, steadier, considerate of his feelings, and starting to believe in the endless possibilities of them and their love. Soul mates. Perfect compliments. His hand draws away from Jaskier's back so the knuckles of his fingers could skim the curve of Jaskier's cheek, palm finding its home on Jaskier's face as a mirror of the touch Jaskier's bestowing on Tech. ]
I was scared too for the same reasons, but...maybe it'll be a comfort if I tell you we find a way. In an entirely new world, we found a way. It wasn't easy to have to start over, to have you forget who I am and to be the only one to hold all of our history together. It was painful and lonely and not a day went by when I didn't want to find this again.
[ He steps closer, even though they are already so very close, his free hand placing itself against Jaskier's heart. God, how wonderful it is to place his palm there and know Jaskier knows the meaning. ]
I never intended to leave you. I'm so sorry for leaving you. Even if it wasn't my intention, it still doesn't change that I was gone and you had to carry on without me.
[ His breath catches on and he swallows the sob that wants to escape again, the quiver of another breakdown on the horizon. Tech licks his lips and keeps his eyes away from meeting Jaskier's -- afraid if he looks deep into his eyes, he'll see a resentment or an anger. ]
No. The truth is I was gone even before I left, wasn't I? I'm sorry, Jaskier. I'm so, so sorry.
[Jaskier's gaze lifts from his hand on Tech's chest. He'd been looking at it while listening to Tech talk about another world wherein they were able to be together albeit not as they are now. It seems almost unfathomable to believe. Much as they had talked about finding a way to bring Tech from this place to Jaskier's world and the chance that Jaskier wouldn't remember him, that was something they were planning. Something they intended to take as many proactive steps to prevent as much heartache as they possibly could, to make sure the dream of a singular life together wouldn't be lost or forgotten to forces seemingly more powerful than either of them. But what keeps Jaskier's doubts quiet and private is the pain in Tech's voice when he speaks of it. He found a form of happiness there that much is certain, but something was off. Something was missing. He still yearned to be here. To be at Jaskier's side and not with whoever he managed to find in that other world.]
[Honestly, Jaskier doesn't know whether to be envious of his other self or pity him.]
[But Jaskier hears that catch in Tech's breath and it pulls him from his thoughts, from his private little reverie at the steady thrumming of Tech's heart beneath his hand with every rise and fall of Tech's breath. Shaking his head, Jaskier lifts his forehead from Tech's.]
No, no, my darling. Now's not the time for apologies. Or all this sorrow. [Jaskier's hand leaves the spot above Tech's heart and presses upon Tech's above his own.] We're together again.
[Tech's assumption about how Jaskier would see things isn't that far off the mark. They lost time together and, just as Tech said, not only when they were worlds apart. Grief over Ava hanged over them like a dark cloud, coloring everything and having Tech withdraw so far into himself that the fractures Mammon started finally seemed to come to fruition for a time. And they were separated. Not just separated, but thoroughly aware of that separation. There was plenty to mourn and grieve and regret. But while Jaskier never makes a case for ignoring the ugly realities of the world and life, he certainly doesn't believe all that strongly in dwelling upon them.]
[He presses a gentle, chaste kiss to Tech's lips again, running fingers through his hair.]
We're together and we have a chance. To do this better.
[No more hiding away. No more leaving things up to Destiny or chance. As far as Jaskier is concerned, they have a present and more importantly, they have a future. A future that's worth fighting for, finding ways to shape instead of leaving it all up to dreams.]
[ He responds to the gentle pressure of the kiss with a return of his own, eyes flicking up to meet Jaskier's again. They lower to his lips and then his jaw before settling on their hands entwined at Jaskier's chest. ]
There's truth to what you're saying, songbird. But...
[ He trails off. It feels wrong in a way. The thing that made this relationship easier was Jaskier swallowing down his own feelings, acquiescing and taking the hurt on his own shoulders -- choosing to bury it deep because that's how he had to be to make the relationships around him work. And he would rather suffer his hurts alone than burden his partners or his Geralt with them.
But Tech had experienced first hand what it was like when Jaskier spoke his mind -- when there was a storm inside of him that wasn't afraid to call someone out. At first, Tech didn't like it. Who would like being told they were being cruel or that they put their foot in their mouth? But then, Tech grew to value it. The spark. For as difficult as it had been to navigate, it also made him more considerate of how his actions and words would affect Jaskier. And it made him reflect on this relationship as well, how he could do better if given half the chance.
His gaze finds Jaskier's again and brows knit together. His hand turns within Jaskier's to lace fingers together, squeezing with a quiet resolve. ]
Now is the time for apologies because you deserve them. For everything you give, you deserve so much more in return. Fuck, Jas. You keep the peace because that's what you're expected to do. You give two hundred percent of yourself into relationships and you convince yourself that's okay. Because it's better, isn't it? It's better than being alone.
[ Tech shakes his head softly, his hands moving to clutch at Jaskier's cheeks. ]
I'll be the first to say I'm far from perfect. But I don't want you taking on my share of the relationship. This time I swear to you, Jules, that I will do right by you. And if I fuck up...I want you to call me out on it. Because...this is home. This is the place where you should feel the safest. This is the place where it's totally okay to walk around in the nude...
[ A pause. Then a faint smirk for levity's sake -- because that was the original shape of their relationship. Bearing their hearts and adding a joke. ]
...both figuratively nude and literally, of course.
[There's a questioning look given to Tech when he trails off, but rather than ask after what comes next, Jaskier doesn't rush Tech for an explanation. He instead waits for Tech collect his thoughts, to find his words and meet his eyes again. Jaskier's own gaze drops for just a brief moment to their hands at the gentle squeeze, returning again to meet Tech's eyes as he explains why Jaskier doesn't have it entirely right. It's not long into Tech's explanation, his defense of reason to apologize, that Jaskier feels as though Tech has managed to spirit away all the air in Jaskier's lungs. Fresh tears prick and sting at his eyes as it's impossible not to think about the jagged edges of broken promises in the past. All the times Tech promised he wouldn't leave, but he did. Again and again. To Mammon's. Within himself. To some other world that Jaskier couldn't follow him. No parting had malicious intent, but it didn't make it easier.]
[When Tech releases Jaskier's hand, it slips and falls uselessly down at his side where his thumb seeks the sensation against the pads of his fingers in slow circles.]
[The nightmares plagued him. Robbed him of sleep while he starved and watched the people he loves waste from a disease that couldn't be slowed, and listened helplessly as a different sort of rot took hold of Tech. Tech had barely returned before grief wedged itself between them as Tech became so preoccupied with loss that he stopped being with Jaskier and threw himself so deep within the past where perhaps he thought there might be no hurt. And then he was gone. He was well and truly gone. And all Jaskier had aside from a bottle to drown himself with was quiet confessions in the dark with Yennefer to ease the tattering of his heart.]
[He didn't resent Tech for any of it. He wasn't angry. He wasn't disappointed or even altogether that upset. But it had hurt. It hurt to have been pushed aside whether by an impulsive thought of heroics or that instinctive will to self-preserve from a potential future heartbreak.]
[Jaskier swallows thickly, dropping his gaze before lifting it and diverting it somewhere other than on Tech even though he suspects it's too late. There isn't even a remote possibility that this close together that Tech could have possibly missed all the old hurts and wounds in Jaskier's eyes. He never seems to though. He never misses the things Jaskier doesn't say quite so loudly. He's never truly distracted by Jaskier's theatrics or flamboyant presentation. He always manages in the end, to coax the truth of Jaskier's thoughts and feelings out of him even when Jaskier doesn't want to part with it. Perhaps even most often when he doesn't because he's far too scared of the consequences. But even knowing how well Tech tends to hear him, how much better he seems to know and understand than even people who have known him for years... It's still a vulnerability Jaskier's never quite prepared for.]
[His hand raises again to clasp one of Tech's against his cheek, allowing Jaskier to turn his head to press his trace of a smile into the heel of Tech's hand at his joke.]
Well, [he says, turning his head again to look at Tech. There's a small sniffle.] Since you brought it up, I have to say there's a very distinct lack of making love to me happening right now. Which I think really ought to be rectified in the next ten to fifteen minutes, or I'm afraid we are well and truly doomed.
[Jaskier's faint grin fades though as he glances down again. He's near about to say something, but stops short and opts instead for another kiss.]
[ Jaskier is correct in that the damage is done. Tech has seen the pain. He has no way of knowing what incident brought the surge of past hurt. Maybe all of them. Tech won't know unless Jaskier talks about it. There's little more he can say beyond what he's already said because then it would get into prying territory. And Tech doesn't want to pry. He wants Jaskier to trust him, to feel like he can talk about anything. He wants Jaskier to summon his own bravery rather than be strong armed into talking.
So Tech offers only a quiet smile, reassuring that it's okay if he doesn't say anything right now. It's okay if he chooses to never say anything -- to let the past be the past. But Tech still wanted to offer the apology to acknowledge how he wronged him and his intention to be a better partner in the future. He returns the kiss with this in his heart -- a silent vow to be the sort of lover Jaskier deserved this time around. The kiss lingers, loving and heated, and after a time it's Tech who parts, licking his lips and leaning his forehead to Jaskier's. ]
So demanding. Maybe I still had things I wanted to talk about. Like your doublets. Awful. So glad you changed up the style. I will never criticize your many layers ever again.
[ He flashes him a smile. At some point he would tell Jaskier all about his thoughts about him as an eighteen year old. He'd tell him the things he admired and the ways Tech fucked up in that relationship. He'd tell him the things he's glad had changed and the things he's glad had stayed the same. But at least with this little tease, Jaskier's bound to know that Tech had found a younger version of himself. And maybe he could begin to understand why it was Tech yearned to find this Jaskier again.
For now, he takes Jaskier's hand to give him a playful spin before his arm settles around his shoulders. The tears had been shed. The sincerity had been shared. And now what's left on the list of things to do after a long-awaited reunion is the lovemaking. Tech imagines that will be the longest part, likely taking up most of the night into early morning. There are many months to make up for, after all. ]
[There's a soft sound from Jaskier when Tech breaks the kiss. It is, of course, a touch disappointed for the kiss to have found its end at all, but it's not just that. It's a release in of itself, a willingness to lean into Tech not just physically as he has been, but on all the ways that Jaskier finds comfort and safety with him. Because even if he can't bring himself to talk about it right now, potentially ever, it's not anything to do with Tech. It's just not the sort of bravery that Jaskier possesses. Not right now. Not yet.]
[Of course, this tender moment is almost immediately followed by a scoff of disbelief and offense as Tech opts to criticize Jaskier's sartorial choices of yore coupled with the dawning horror and realization that if Jaskier was wearing doublets, that meant... Oh gods, how young was he in this other world of Tech's!? Truly the karma for all the times he teased and poked fun at Tech's inability to understand the nuances of texting and emojis when he was a younger version of himself is coming home to roost, but! It still was immediately and completely unfair.]
[Still, Jaskier allows himself to be spun about and nestles in close, wrapping an arm around Tech's middle.]
Lovebird? That's a new one. [There's a small beat before Jaskier uses his free hand to playfully grab at and shake Tech's face.] At least it had best be a new one. I find out you're trying to seduce me with tricks you've already used on me, I'm going to be extremely cross with you for the lack of originality.
[Not for thinking about a younger Jaskier because Jaskier frankly couldn't care less if Tech thinks about all the times he managed to convince Jaskier to shed his doublets. He is, at the end of the day, fantasizing about Jaskier after all. And why wouldn't he? It'd be a little insulting if Tech didn't, if Jaskier were completely honest. But reusing lines and names that he knows with certainty will already work is absolutely a sin and Jaskier will not hesitate to give him endless grief for it.]
[ He laughs when his face gets shaken. And it's so freeing to laugh in this way. It feels like since he left this Jaskier, he hasn't truly gotten to laugh. It's impossible to laugh with the utmost joy when half of his heart was shackled by chains of grief. Grief was only made worse when it reached their year mark. But now? Now it's freeing to have this Jaskier again, to go back to where they started. Now it's freeing to be able to talk about anything from Jaskier's past to his future. Nothing is off limits. Nothing needs to be withheld. This Jaskier knows the worst of him and loves him anyway. So Tech can laugh because with this Jaskier he's truly free. Emotionally, at least. Physically they are still very much trapped in hell. ]
It's new, babe. Don't worry. I couldn't call you the same sort of nicknames there. Or more...I wouldn't let myself. You were my song sparrow or Jask or Julian. Julian tended to be the default, actually. It felt right to call you that during our more serious conversations...
[ He shoulders open the hotel doors and then starts on the path toward Hellburbia, looking up at the horrendous red sky. Fuck. How wonderful it would be to be able to live somewhere with this Jaskier and see a normal sky or normal stars? How special would it be to watch a sunrise together?
Eyes drift to his side to take in Jaskier's profile and then he looks off again, tongue tracing lips before he makes a quiet confession: ]
I'd like to hope you weren't just latching onto it with the excitement of youth, though, when I called you my soulmate. We found each other in a world between worlds. Then we found each other in a different world. Finding you again like this should have been impossible. A one in a billion chance. Yet...somehow here we are. If that's not soulmates, I don't fucking know what is...
[Julian? That gets a raising of Jaskier's eyebrows because, gods, he must have been so young if that felt more fitting. But ultimately he says nothing of it as they step outside and begin the path through to Hellburbia. Instead, he threads his fingers through Tech's hand of his arm wrapped around Jaskier's shoulders and drawing it nearer not just to momentarily tighten their embrace of one another, but to press a kiss to Tech's knuckles.]
[He tips his head slightly to have a better look at Tech as he makes his quiet confession. A soft smile blossoms on Jaskier's face and he turns his attention back to the path ahead as he idly plays with Tech's fingers in his hand.]
Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say the excitement of youth probably played a part in it, [he says with a small laugh.] What's more romantic and grander than the notion of being destined to be the beloved bard of a god, hm? And across worlds and lifetimes no less.
[Jaskier turns his head again to press a kiss to Tech's cheek, his hand falling away from Tech's to hold his opposite cheek at the same time. An even gentler touch compared to the playful roughhousing a moment ago.]
But I'd also say despite all the foolishness of my youth, I still possessed a bit of sense. [Jaskier doesn't think he could truly fathom the depth of foolishness he'd have to possess in order to miss what is so plainly there in front of him. Even if he possessed less sense than he does now or if he was a bit more insecure, Jaskier doesn't think he could look at the sum of this and conclude anything different. Not when he'd already reached a similar conclusion months ago.] It wasn't just the heat of the moment that made me say it before, you know.
[Jaskier stops them just briefly so that he can turn Tech's gaze his way and meet his eyes.]
I was born to love you, Tech.
[Perhaps not in the same ways every time. Jaskier couldn't rightly say how much Tech's relationship with Jaskier in that other world reflected or differed from their love here and now, but as Jaskier said from the very beginning, love can take so many shapes and forms. Their love is likely no exception to that simply because they are the ones who shape it, and no amount of external influence could ever truly change that. What they are is by their choice. But Jaskier cannot imagine a scenario in which he wouldn't come to love Tech. No matter how long it took or what obstacles stood in the way, he would always love him.]
[ The forward momentum stops as Jaskier stops them, cupping his cheek tenderly. Things like this when uttered by anyone else would sound like pure bullshit -- just a sappy, romantic line with no true meaning. Even when Jaskier had said it before, Tech couldn't bring himself to believe it. Not for lack of want but more because he believed Jaskier was born for far greater things and that loving Tech was simply some anomaly that, while could be repeated, could never be the same. It was something he had to experience to learn the truth of Jaskier's words -- to find him again and to fall for him again. And then to come back to him at the end of it and hear these words presented in a different context.
And then it hits Tech -- a well of emotion as he realizes Jaskier was alone. Jaskier was completely and utterly alone for however long. There was no second Technical Boy to help him process. He had to face loss and then with that grief in his heart, he vanished. Back home? Somewhere else? Wherever sinners went between here and there. He didn't have to carry the grief with him, but that he was alone for any amount of time is heartwrenching.
Tech's arm draws away from Jaskier's shoulders so he can throw himself forward -- practically barreling against him in a tight embrace. Somehow he manages to not sob, though not without a little hiccup of a whimper -- forehead burrowing against Jaskier's shoulder. Fingers clutch the back of his jacket and he takes a moment here to let the world fade away -- to let it just simply be them alone on this makeshift trail. And he holds Jaskier in a way that's every bit taking comfort as it is offering it -- a way to say I'm here. I'm real. You don't have to face things alone. ]
Heh...
[ When he finally finds his voice, the laugh is fragile -- as though at any moment it could break into a wail. ]
When you say things like that, I almost believe nothing's impossible for us...
[ Tech lifts his head from it's place, bringing his palms to Jaskier's cheeks so he can kiss him once again -- soft, tender and languid. Palms fall to Jaskier's chest, one resting at his heart while the other finds a space a few inches apart beside it. They make their own destiny. They are each others destiny.
The kiss comes to a lazy end and for a few seconds Tech merely shares a breath with Jaskier. ]
It's a dangerous thing you do, Jaskier the bard...giving someone like me something to hope for.
[ Jaskier came into Tech's life and batted away the nihilism, replacing it with something far greater. A burgeoning hope. This hope has simultaneously been the most wonderful thing in the world and the most painful. Even now, in the height of victory with this reunion, Tech fears what may come in the future. Will they lose one another again as they escape hell and find Jaskier cannot carry his memories with him? Or will they be doomed to have this incredible love in a place of eternal suffering? The best thing Tech could do for Jaskier would be to set him free -- to help him return to his world where he's no longer caged by limited places to explore and a red sky, a world where he's put down his roots. But the price of freeing him is loss. Still.
A bird is meant to fly free, no matter how nice a cage may seem for a time... ]
[When Tech more or less throws his arms around Jaskier, the bard slightly adjusts his hold on Tech. The arm around his middle tightens around him while the hand at Tech's cheek slips into his hair instead. He doesn't fully understand the sudden need for this kind of closeness, but Jaskier's hardly one to reject it. Especially when the warmth of Tech against him is so at once familiar and soothing. The bard closes his eyes, turning his head to press a kiss into Tech's hair and breathe in his scent while he remains so close and buried in Jaskier's arms. He only opens them again, loosening his hold on Tech, when Jaskier feels him starting to stir again and seek out a little space again.]
[Jaskier smiles into the kiss when Tech brings their lips together because as far as he's concerned, impossible truly doesn't exist. If they've a will for something, they will find their way to it eventually. It might not be without its hardships or challenges, but they will find their way eventually. Jaskier's hand slips from Tech's hair to rest on the hand over his heart. As the kiss fades away, he presses upon that hand, a simple, wordless expression of his want to give the man he loves everything.]
It's a risk worth taking, [he murmurs quietly in return. Jaskier's lips find Tech's again in a chaster, more simple kiss in response to a fluttering need for more affection to be given. Releasing Tech's hand, he wraps his arms around Tech's neck.] No matter what happens, you will always have been worth the risk.
[A hand cups Tech's cheek, but Jaskier doesn't kiss him even as his thumb strokes along Tech's cheekbone. Jaskier merely looks at him and in Jaskier's eyes is everything. His heartache and longing. His love and adoration. His anxieties and worries. His passion and worship. He hides nothing from Tech in his gaze with this shared breath of theirs. It's all that he is and all that he has to offer, but it's Tech's. For as long as Tech wants it, it's his.]
[When he kisses Tech again, it's a sweet and delicate thing. Not uncertain, but delicate and gentle. Their lips barely part from one another at all, perhaps leaving it a touch ambiguous if the kiss even came to an end, when Jaskier says,]
[ He offers a small, watery smile at Jaskier's reassurance. He's not entirely sure he believes it. Tech has no doubts Jaskier means what he says, but from an objective point of view (if Tech even can be objective regarding his own relationship) were Jaskier to come out of this worse than he went in, it wouldn't have been worth the risk. If Tech hurt Jaskier, tore his heart to pieces...it wouldn't have been worth the risk. Jaskier could believe in love above all else, believe in Tech -- but he was also fragile. Tech's hurt him before in so many ways, some unintentional and some simply thoughtless. He genuinely doesn't know how Jaskier can affirm the risk would be worth it knowing this.
But Jaskier looks at Tech with the whole of his heart and kisses away the quiet worries and doubts as though he knows they need to be kissed away. How can Tech protest Jaskier's suggestion? Home as in their house and home as in each other. There's a special brand of home when their bodies are entangled in passion as well, a feeling of being complete when they're one for as long as it lasts. Jaskier likely means all three of those things, and so Tech simply nods and slides his hand within Jaskier's to quietly start them on the path again. ]
I wrote to you while I was away. I had a journal -- an actual, physical fucking journal. Would you believe that? But every day I'd write you letters. Every day I'd write it all with the hope one day you'd get to read it or we'd be reunited against all odds and I could give it to you. Now I'm here. And the journal is there.
[ In all of his relief to see this version of Jaskier again, he hadn't really allowed himself to think of what would happen to that Jaskier. There's a pain in his chest when he thinks of that Jaskier potentially finding the journal -- reading words that weren't meant for him and being hurt by them. Tech had been honest, sometimes blunt -- especially in the beginning. Sometimes he questioned his own motives, wondering if he was only drawn to Jaskier's younger version because it was all he had. Those feelings changed over time. Sometimes Tech documented those changes, but most times it was obvious in the unspoken -- in the shorter entries where Tech wouldn't say much of anything more than a detailed list of what he did that day or the way he stopped punctuating how much he missed this Jaskier.
Even so, he worries. He worries that he will be the one to shatter that Jaskier's heart. His disappearance will be hard enough without dealing a finishing strike with the journal. Brows knit together and he toys with the ring on his finger. ]
[There's a light squeeze to Tech's hand as they begin to walk the path home again. It's as much a gentle reassurance of the realness of this moment to the both of them as each of their embraces and kisses thus far has been albeit likely a touch more understated by comparison given it's a far less significant disruption to their walking together. Jaskier doesn't pay quite as much mind to where they're going and watches their feet more than anything, leaving the direction of where they're heading and avoiding any tripping hazards more or less entirely up to Tech. Jaskier's too lost in the sound of Tech's voice alone. He follows along Tech's cadence, the way his accent shifts and pulls at the vowels all the while not letting the words be entirely lost to him.]
[He lifts his gaze, offering Tech a faint smile.]
Having once been myself at a younger age and my persistent inability to let well enough alone back then... [he says as though the same were not still true of him even now despite the fact it very much is, just in a different form at times.] I will likely find it eventually. And I'll probably be nosy enough to read it.
But, darling, don't underestimate my ability to understand. [He gives another squeeze to Tech's hand.] I was as much a poet back then as I am now.
[Which isn't Jaskier's way of commenting upon his ability to perspective take so much as it is he understands words better than most. So, even if there are things that Tech has written to Jaskier in this journal of his that lack context, that would leave a younger Jaskier who hadn't lived through this time with Tech a bit lost with some of the finer details, Jaskier is confident he'll understand. He'll realize what isn't being said, and know that whatever hurts he might find within those pages are things that Jaskier will have manifested for himself out of jealousy or insecurity. He'll know that what Tech has written will be nothing short of love with enough time.]
[Jaskier hums in light amusement, the sound not quite making it into a laugh as the corners of his lips lift into a wider smile.]
I always thought that was such a pain in the arse when I was younger. Being underestimated, I mean. People knew I wasn't a good student. I loathed hard work of any sort. I was flighty. Prone to fits of passion and flitting off to whatever or whoever next I fancied, [he says, his free hand drifting off as if to follow this image of himself to wherever next he might wander.] I never seemed to care about much of anything either. Not anything anyone considered truly important, anyway.
Now, I don't mind it so much. Partially because some of that is true and I don't much care to have anything asked of me that would require too much effort, [he says with a teasing grin as he lightly swings their hand together. It's not exactly a secret with how often Jaskier's managed to avoid the majority of housework in the time they've been together, so he hardly has any qualms about admitting it to Tech even if he would otherwise begin squawking with offense at the accusation.] But I don't know. I suppose part of it is... Well, people are so much easier to be themselves when they believe they've worked the other person out.
[And all the better if they think Jaskier frivolous or careless in some capacity. Then it's all the more reason for them to not maintain whatever walls or defenses they might otherwise, and Jaskier is able to do whatever it is he needs or wants to do from there. Be it to provide them with what they truly need or draw inspiration or even simply to survive.]
[He wrinkles his nose.]
Gods, you've got me waxing nostalgic about my youth. Must you age me so? You could have waited at least another hour!
[ Tech pulls his gaze from the path and glances over at Jaskier as he speaks. Hadn't this been one of the things Tech missed? Jaskier getting to speak of his past and the way he's grown from it (and the ways he's stayed the same). These deep, introspective conversations that Jaskier didn't necessarily keep from Tech so much as Tech simply didn't ask as often as he should have. But he enjoyed them when he got them -- on nights when Jaskier would reminisce about his family or tell him some similar story that happened in his own life compared to one of the movies they watched. This was Jaskier with half, hopefully less than half, of his life lived. This was Jaskier with an eternal youth but also a deep maturity.
So if this was one of the things Tech deeply wanted -- if this was the Jaskier who was 'on his level,' why does this nostalgia inspire a deep ache in his chest? He supposes it's because it reminds him of the things he doesn't like to think about. Just how short his time will always be with Jaskier. How truly mortal he is. Maybe not in hell where they can die and revive. Maybe not even in Folkmore where the same mechanics apply so long as Thirteen willed it. But even if he started over with Jaskier at eighteen years old, Tech realizes it will never be enough time for him. Blink and forty years have passed. It will have only ever been brief and fleeting. Brilliant like a star streaking across the sky, but gone in an instant.
His eyes return to the path and the hand not holding Jaskier's twists the ring on his finger, thumbing the band. ]
Anyone who thinks they have you fully figured out is a fool.
[ Even Tech had become complacent in his knowledge of Jaskier -- of the composite sketch he'd created in his mind. An image that got torn to shreds when he met his younger self. Oh, there are many bits of Jaskier that are what you see is what you get, but there's a depth beyond it. Maybe even a depth beyond Jaskier's own understanding. Because as he walks forward in his place with Geralt and Yennefer, it always seems he's had to be what other people needed -- and not what he, himself, needed. Would Jaskier even be able to define who Jaskier was without putting those he loved before himself?
Tech shakes his head quietly and then takes a detour from the direction of the house, pulling Jaskier off the familiar path -- through the haunting trees and foliage Mammon had planted. He doesn't bother to explain himself, merely continuing the conversation they were having. ]
Every day I spend with you is getting a piece of a puzzle. Sometimes it slots immediately into place, but sometimes it takes me an obscenely long amount of time to finally figure it out. Which most of the time is me being a complete fucking moron. But sometimes it's because I needed a different context.
[ Time with Jaskier's younger self, perhaps.
At the end of this new path, they find themselves deep in the gardens. Things in hell reflect its state of disarray. What had once been green and vibrant was now mostly brown and decayed. Flowers are withered, unsightly weeds grow with wicked thorns protruding from their stems, and there's a general musty stench in the air. But although the bench has acquired rust, the spot where Jaskier and Tech had their very first intimate encounter remains in tact. And behind that bench, Tech beckons Jaskier to have a look -- sweeping aside dried brush with a hand to reveal a single, beautiful buttercup. ]
Even in the most impossible soil and terrain, a Jaskier can blossom.
[When Tech has them deviate, Jaskier stays with him and doesn't try to impede their progress towards the gardens of the park despite the glance back toward the path home. He rolls his eyes a little as Tech claims to be a complete fucking moron, but doesn't argue against the assertion because he knows ultimately what Tech means: he's brilliant, but he's often a fool who misses the obvious details that would bring it all together for himself. As Tech moves ahead to clear the dried brush aside, Jaskier uses the moment to continue assessing just how much of the park had dried and shriveled. Not that some of the plants didn't have a bit of a grotesque nature about them, but the greenery had been a nice change of pace compared to most parts of Hell. It was a shame to see the park in such shambles and nothing more than another reflection of death and decay.]
[Jaskier's attention is drawn from their surroundings when Tech calls for it on the small bloom at their feet.]
My, I must have really left an impression on you after all. I've got you speaking in metaphors now. [It's a light tease, and one that could easily be taken for a deflection of Tech's sentiment. It wouldn't be all that uncharacteristic for him to do as much. Those more abstract compliments are rarely ever ones that Jaskier allows to settle and stand without protest because they never feel as though they suit him. He's the storyteller, after all. Not the hero. But he doesn't brush it aside so easily now. Jaskier gently pulls Tech closer to him again to rest his forehead against his.] It's nice hearing you talk like this again, my darling...
[It feels as though it had been so long since Tech had even a hint of hope in his voice again. After Ava left... Well, it had been understandable so much of his faith in any semblance of a future being built because of their ability to defy the odds had been shaken, but it had hurt. It had hurt so much to feel Tech fading and drifting from him, and feeling so helpless to stop any of it. But now? Now, Tech is here and he's as vibrant as the buttercup pushing back against the decay of the land. He's not giving into wallowing in grief or allowing his hope to abandon him in this place.]
I was... I was scared you had given up. On this dream of ours. [There's a small pause before he ventures and pushes himself a little further to say,] On me.
[ Tech returns the embrace, bringing arms around Jaskier and closing his eyes, forehead to forehead. Had he ever given up on their dream? He might have in a way. Skepticism took root after Ava's departure. It reminded him of the narrative there were no happy endings -- not in his life and especially not in hell. But Jaskier's hope lit a candle in Tech and although the flame would almost go out, it would never entirely extinguish. Not when it came to Jaskier.
Tech doesn't answer immediately with words. His lips capture Jaskier's and he tastes him in a brief but meaningful kiss. And then, Tech adamantly shakes his head. ]
Never.
[ For as much as pessimism could rule his life and would still creep in, Jaskier had become Tech's purpose. Finding him again and again, loving him over and over, returning his lute to him, and spending as much time as time would allow with the human before him. That was what Tech wanted to live for -- to live beyond the years that would be allotted to him in his world, the time when he would die and be what the world needed from him next. Tech wanted to go out with his greatest achievement being this love he and Jaskier shared. ]
Even when I went, I wasn't gone.
[ His hand finds its way to Jaskier's heart, resting there tenderly. His words could take on multiple meanings. When he retreated into himself and let an older era in the forefront or when he followed the fox and left Jaskier behind. No matter which one it was, his heart remained with this Jaskier.
And that would become Tech's one issue to overcome. The Orpheus and Eurydice problem of looking back and missing what was right in front of him all along. It happened with Jaskier's younger self and it would happen again when Jaskier was sent home by Thirteen to age ten years. And then, he would be gone...and Tech will have felt he doomed himself to the hell of living alone because he just kept looking to what he had and not seeing what he has.
But at least now, right here...he's with this Jaskier. ]
I will always come home.
[ He presses his hand a little harder against Jaskier's chest and he tips his head up to kiss him again. This one longer, lingering, and highly likely to segue into lovemaking unless Jaskier had reason to interrupt. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
backdated to their return to penance
[But this time is a bit different. It's different because it's not the first time Jaskier's found himself in this place, arriving the manner he has, and he's entirely aware of that fact as he's greeted by the familiar sight of the hotel lobby. Jaskier draws a breath to steady himself, trying to quell the panic he feels rising into and constricting his throat, and swallows hard. They had been in Mammon's domain last he remembers it. Fled there because of yet another attempt on Lucifer's life or some other such nonsense. (For as much as the demon lords of this place seem to like to present themselves as superior, Jaskier cannot help but see how painfully [and almost disappointingly] similar they are to their human counterparts.) Standing there a moment, he tries to summon up the last of what he remembers to as much clarity as he can.]
[He had opted to stay in a cottage with Yennefer, of course. He couldn't very well stand to be in the same place that Tech... And Yennefer. She couldn't really be on her own. Even if she didn't need Jaskier (or anyone else) around, Jaskier knew she'd be better for it. And he owed it to her after all the time and effort she put into keeping him from falling the fuck apart every night after Tech disappeared, which she never really stopped doing even well after Jaskier didn't need it quite as much. Geralt, too. Eventually. Likely when Geralt felt like he wouldn't fuck things up by failing to resist the temptation to have a sample of his boot leather mid-conversation because he spoke too bluntly or misjudged the tone of a conversation. It wasn't perhaps a terrible idea to give Jaskier his space and was oddly nice change of pace for the witcher to pay such consideration to the bard's feelings, but Jaskier didn't find it necessary in all honesty. Jaskier just didn't want to be left entirely alone and really couldn't have cared whether he was offended or had his feelings hurt at that point. At least it was something other than the grief. So, Geralt could have eaten his entire boot in the span of an hour and it wouldn't have made some terrible difference as the witcher likely thought it would.]
[But at least he came around. Eventually.]
[Nothing strikes Jaskier as an explanation of how exactly he came to be in this place again though as he thinks back. It's just as though one day he was in Mammon's domain, and the next he found himself dragged back into Hell exactly where it all began for him. And most disturbingly, almost exactly as it was, too. Jaskier sees so few traces of the previous destruction Lucifer had only managed to barely conceal from the occupants—sinners and demons alike—for a short period of time before everyone needed to flee yet again.]
[And so, with that unease coming from such a significant lack of explanation, Jaskier makes his way toward the front desk. He doesn't choose them first because the demons have ever been particularly forthright or altogether helpful when it comes to information historically, but it is a starting point. It's something.]
[Jaskier gets no more than a few steps of the way there though when something catches his eye and stops him immediately. Or rather someone.]
[Part of him feels a bit apprehensive to give in so quickly to what he sees without a bit more skepticism. After so much time in Hell, he should know better. He should know that seeing what you want to see is almost always a lie, and at best, one can really only hope it leads to merely disappointment rather than something far worse. But that's the part of Jaskier that possesses any semblance of sense and he's not quite so accustomed to wielding any of that with any great success for very long. The apprehension caves so quickly to the immediate swell he feels in the center of his chest and the blurring of his vision. It leaves Jaskier in the shape and form of Tech's name as he releases the breath he began to hold the moment Jaskier laid eyes upon him.]
[Jaskier's is voice all too quiet to be heard over the usual din of the hotel lobby even when he utters Tech's name again. The first time was weak, almost as though he were plagued by a lack of use to his own voice and uncertain how to make it louder. The second, he utters it in such a way, it could almost be mistaken for prayer. Be here, he pleads, silently and selfishly, all the while surrendering to the undeniable pull toward Tech and abandoning his original intention of trying to find his footing with the demons working the front desk.]
[Be here with me.]
Tech—
[It's the only bit of warning Jaskier can really offer Tech, particularly if Tech doesn't manage to see Jaskier on his approach in time. It's not very loud, Jaskier's voice choked and subdued by more emotion than even he knows how to express. Grief and longing intertwine and burrow themselves just as deeply as joy and yearning being brought to an end, removing any and all remote possibility of hesitation as Jaskier more or less launches himself at Tech. He can think of nothing more than to be in his arms and taste his kiss once more, eagerly seeking both without hesitation and regardless of whether Tech manages to successfully brace himself or if they spill onto the floor together. It doesn't matter because he's home. He's home. And it's that feeling that Jaskier's craved and ached and longed for for what felt to be so long and so deeply that he doesn't care if he should drown and suffocate right here while diving so recklessly into it. He just wants that feeling that he'd been without again, wants it affirmed more and more.]
[And so, somewhere amid his effusive affections, one of Jaskier's hands finds its way to the center of Tech's chest to sate that very want. At nearly the very first beat of Tech's heart against his palm, Jaskier breaks the kiss with a laugh. The sound is thin and light just as much from the ferocity of his kisses leaving him breathless as it is because it feels that were he truly to allow anything greater, a sob might take hold instead. Fortunately, it has no bearing on the smile Jaskier wears when he looks at Tech now even if it is a bit of a watery one.]
Hi, [he says before there's another bubble of relieved laughter, a bit stronger than the one that preceded it. Jaskier kisses the corner of Tech's mouth briefly, unable to resist the urge to start making up for all those lost kisses just as he had the first time they were separated. Jaskier's free hand caresses Tech's cheek like he is the most precious being in all the world because he is and for a moment, all Jaskier can do is simply look at Tech with such wonder. Jaskier rests his forehead against Tech's, nuzzling as he continues stroking his cheek with a thumb, and lets Tech in one of the most poorly kept secrets in the world as though it were the opposite.] I missed you.
MY HEART.
Listen here you inconsequential motherfucking sack of absolute, shriveled up, geriatric coc--
[ He catches it out of his peripheral, far too late to react. Muscles tense as Jaskier plows into him and he's too stunned to answer, the end of his insult becoming a sound against Jaskier's lips -- swallowed into the kiss as they stumble back against the wall. But Jaskier's not here. He's not here. He wasn't here. And could Tech truly trust his mind? It was why he needed the computer parts. He needed to run a diagnostic. He needed to see if he's gone mad. He needed to see if a piece of him was missing. He needed to know if Folkmore was imagined and if not, he needed to get back there. Because that was the only Jaskier he had now. Because Jaskier isn't here....
Tech has yet to close his eyes, staring at this dream come true -- tasting his lips while his mind refuses to process what's in front of him. It had to be a trick. This place was always tricking the mind. This was an incubus, wearing the skin of his beloved. Or this was an illusion and if he caves into it, he'll find himself in bed with a stranger. Or a shadow, ready to suck out his soul through a kiss. Fingers curl into the bed of his palm, flexing and releasing -- fighting to keep his wits about him.
Then the hand comes to his heart.
It's no illusion. It's no fantasy. Tech's hand flies up to capture Jaskier's, to hold it there and press it taut.
Home.
The anger and confusion and skepticism all flee at once. Tears burn their way to the surface because this was all he had wanted for months. This was his Jaskier -- a Jaskier he thought about daily. A Jaskier he wrote to at night. A Jaskier he imagined. A Jaskier he wished the Jaskier he had could be. And one, he'd shamefully admit, he imagined that Jaskier was...in the dark of night while they made love.
Tech's hand captures Jaskier's other hand as it rests on his cheek, holding both of them in lingering disbelief. And then everything that seemed to be in slow motion comes back to real time. A laughed sob escapes him and he squeezes both of Jaskier's hands. It's a few weeks late. The date of their milestones have come and gone. But saying it late was far superior to the alternative of never getting to say it at all. ]
H-happy anniversary...
[ His lips quiver and the tears freely stream. Tech does little to hold them back now, launching himself forward to make up for his complete lack of response to the initial kiss by kissing Jaskier with fervor. ]
cw: brief alcoholism mention
[But for the moment, the question remains unasked. Jaskier can hardly stay focused on it or any concerns that might arise with it when he's too immediately taken by not just the familiarity of Tech's kiss, but the wave of relief that floods all of his senses the moment Tech's lips meet his. It's not as though he doubted his own eyes or the steady beat of Tech's heart beneath his hand. (Jaskier couldn't even begin to call the latter into question to begin with, but especially not after Tech pressed his hand there all the firmer.) But he feels like a man receiving his first bite of real food after months of fasting at Tech's kiss. As much as he had learned to carry his grief and divert his mind from the ugly reality of what became of those souls that seemingly left this place, Jaskier never really figured out how to dull this particular ache. This want of Tech and his kisses and his touch was nothing that could ever be softened or satiated in any meaningful capacity. The most Jaskier could do was drown it out in alcohol and Yennefer had seen to the removal of that as an option most nights for him.]
[He's greedy though, of course. It's not enough to just have his kiss, to nip at lips until they part and the kiss can deepen. He wants the feel of Tech's embrace as well. Much like his kiss, being held in Tech's arms brings about a unique warmth and safety that comes from Tech upholding his promise of protecting Jaskier from his nightmares that Jaskier has not felt since Tech disappeared. Not wanting to break the kiss, Jaskier tries to intimate what he wants by moving his own hands. The hand on Tech's cheek turns to take hold of Tech's hand before gently directing it toward over Jaskier's shoulder while the other over Tech's heart slips free to rest at Tech's hip. Fingers curl into the fabric of Tech's clothes at his hip while the other hand releases Tech's to return to his cheek once more. With fewer limbs in the way, Jaskier settles himself against Tech, unashamedly leaning his weight against him.]
[As Tech can likely easily surmise at this point, Jaskier doesn't particularly care how it's accomplished, he just wants to be close to Tech. He wants Tech to feels more tangible and real than anything or anyone ever has in his life. Because then that will mean there isn't any sort of danger of Tech somehow disappearing again, and leaving Jaskier behind again.]
[Oh gods, how he doesn't want to be left behind again. How he doesn't want to have to contemplate the possible reality that all their plans and hopes, and that entire wonderful dream of their lives together that Jaskier once held so close, he didn't even dare share it with Tech for the longest time would be nothing more than that. A dream. Gone and lost just as easily with the return to reality as any other dream might be come morning.]
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In Folkmore, he floated around the idea of soulmates with Jaskier and he truly believes they are. Every version of Jaskier, Tech will fall in love with. There's no question about that. But this Jaskier? This is his Jaskier. This is the one he fell in love with first and the one he always wanted to return to. This is the Jaskier who set this whirlwind into motion, who gave Tech's life meaning.
Tech thought he would never see him again. He thought even if he found Jaskier at this age in his world, he wouldn't remember what they'd been through and Tech would have to start all over again. He thought this Jaskier was lost forever, only to be a memory -- a sacrifice to some future version who would be Tech's forever Jaskier. And Tech's not sure whether it's relief or something else that causes the tears to fall without end, but he whimpers against Jaskier's lips -- trembles from an attempt to repress this well of emotion and then he can't hold it back any longer. The dam bursts and he tapers off Jaskier's lips to tighten their embrace and sob. It's ugly, loud and heaving. Grief, relief, guilt and regret all intermingled.
The demon Tech had been arguing with moments ago lets out a snide, derisive sound, mumbling about sinners being pathetic before departing, but Tech doesn't care. His entire world is in his arms -- tangible and real and exactly as remembered. With Jaskier it's safe to pour out these emotions because for as judgemental as the bard could be about certain things, he never once judged Tech's feelings. This is about the only place his feelings aren't judged and Jaskier's presence acts as a shield to prevent Tech from worrying about outside looks because they don't exist. It's only Jaskier. Only Jaskier. Only Jaskier. ]
Tell me you're really here.
[ He manages to choke out after a shuddered breath. ]
Tell me I haven't lost my mind.
[ Not because Tech doubts. The hand to his heart chased away doubt. But primarily because he wants to hear Jaskier's voice -- his sweet siren voice, melodic even in speech. The beautiful baritone that has barely spoken in favor of the long awaited kiss. ]
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[I'm right here.]
[I've got you.]
[I'm not going anywhere.]
[Over and over, Jaskier reassures him quietly and all without even sparing a glance to anyone else. Least of all to that demon when it matters so much more to Jaskier that he's here with Tech. That he can safeguard his emotions and share in them, too. That grief and loss being replaced with such relief and joy making all words and possible other expressions of these feelings seem to pale in comparison to the real depth and magnitude of them all.]
[Once Tech's able to settle himself down enough to ask for confirmation that this isn't some extremely convoluted illusion or a bittersweet dream, Jaskier releases Tech in favor of holding his face in his hands. Gently, he wipes at the moisture on Tech's cheeks, trying to dry them off before the tracks can linger and make his face itchy all the while neglecting his own lingering tears that still blur the edges of his vision before slipping free.]
It's me, [he promises and reassures. Jaskier nods, smiling and releasing the breath he didn't realize he was holding into a shuddering, breathless laugh.] It's really me, dear heart. Gods, Tech, I...
[He presses a gentle, brief kiss to Tech's lips before resting his forehead against his with his eyes closed. One hand remains at Tech's cheek while the other slips from Tech's face, tracing a line down his neck and over his collarbone until it settles once more just above Tech's heart. Jaskier draws a breath and then, barely above a whisper, he confesses,]
I was so scared I wouldn't see you again.
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But by that same logic, they shouldn't have even had a second chance. So this is something to be celebrated, isn't it? Rejoicing in the fact that they were somehow allotted more time. That's how Jaskier would view it. But Tech can't help but hear the pain in Jaskier's voice, that quivering fear of loss. Guilt forms an icy pit in the center of his stomach.
He didn't leave Jaskier intentionally. The fox showing up was disorienting and before he knew it, when he looked back -- his bed and Jaskier could no longer be seen. You'll go back for him, right? He'd somehow managed to ask Thirteen, a quiet plea. Thirteen never answered. Not directly. But she gave him a sly little smile which felt like answer enough. In a place of possibilities and potential, Tech thought he and Jaskier were going to get to take this wonderful thing they built and allow it to blossom in a better place than hell.
But in the end, Tech left Jaskier. He left him here and he left him there. An unshakable weight comes with that. Returning to this version of Jaskier was everything Tech had wanted, and yet in the back of his mind, he wonders how the younger version would react to the loss. Would he be, not just sad, but devastated as well? Tech gets the sense this Jaskier had been left in a state of devastation -- the way he confesses his fear like a quiet prayer. A younger Jaskier doesn't need Tech the same way. He's less broken and less plagued by the haunting echoes of torture, but even so... loss can be gutting.
It would be far too easy to wallow in the pessimism of his thoughts. He's inclined toward it, after all. Tech's always been a glass half-empty sorta guy. But Jaskier needs him to not be that guy. He needs Tech to be what he learned to be around his younger version. Stronger, steadier, considerate of his feelings, and starting to believe in the endless possibilities of them and their love. Soul mates. Perfect compliments. His hand draws away from Jaskier's back so the knuckles of his fingers could skim the curve of Jaskier's cheek, palm finding its home on Jaskier's face as a mirror of the touch Jaskier's bestowing on Tech. ]
I was scared too for the same reasons, but...maybe it'll be a comfort if I tell you we find a way. In an entirely new world, we found a way. It wasn't easy to have to start over, to have you forget who I am and to be the only one to hold all of our history together. It was painful and lonely and not a day went by when I didn't want to find this again.
[ He steps closer, even though they are already so very close, his free hand placing itself against Jaskier's heart. God, how wonderful it is to place his palm there and know Jaskier knows the meaning. ]
I never intended to leave you. I'm so sorry for leaving you. Even if it wasn't my intention, it still doesn't change that I was gone and you had to carry on without me.
[ His breath catches on and he swallows the sob that wants to escape again, the quiver of another breakdown on the horizon. Tech licks his lips and keeps his eyes away from meeting Jaskier's -- afraid if he looks deep into his eyes, he'll see a resentment or an anger. ]
No. The truth is I was gone even before I left, wasn't I? I'm sorry, Jaskier. I'm so, so sorry.
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[Honestly, Jaskier doesn't know whether to be envious of his other self or pity him.]
[But Jaskier hears that catch in Tech's breath and it pulls him from his thoughts, from his private little reverie at the steady thrumming of Tech's heart beneath his hand with every rise and fall of Tech's breath. Shaking his head, Jaskier lifts his forehead from Tech's.]
No, no, my darling. Now's not the time for apologies. Or all this sorrow. [Jaskier's hand leaves the spot above Tech's heart and presses upon Tech's above his own.] We're together again.
[Tech's assumption about how Jaskier would see things isn't that far off the mark. They lost time together and, just as Tech said, not only when they were worlds apart. Grief over Ava hanged over them like a dark cloud, coloring everything and having Tech withdraw so far into himself that the fractures Mammon started finally seemed to come to fruition for a time. And they were separated. Not just separated, but thoroughly aware of that separation. There was plenty to mourn and grieve and regret. But while Jaskier never makes a case for ignoring the ugly realities of the world and life, he certainly doesn't believe all that strongly in dwelling upon them.]
[He presses a gentle, chaste kiss to Tech's lips again, running fingers through his hair.]
We're together and we have a chance. To do this better.
[No more hiding away. No more leaving things up to Destiny or chance. As far as Jaskier is concerned, they have a present and more importantly, they have a future. A future that's worth fighting for, finding ways to shape instead of leaving it all up to dreams.]
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There's truth to what you're saying, songbird. But...
[ He trails off. It feels wrong in a way. The thing that made this relationship easier was Jaskier swallowing down his own feelings, acquiescing and taking the hurt on his own shoulders -- choosing to bury it deep because that's how he had to be to make the relationships around him work. And he would rather suffer his hurts alone than burden his partners or his Geralt with them.
But Tech had experienced first hand what it was like when Jaskier spoke his mind -- when there was a storm inside of him that wasn't afraid to call someone out. At first, Tech didn't like it. Who would like being told they were being cruel or that they put their foot in their mouth? But then, Tech grew to value it. The spark. For as difficult as it had been to navigate, it also made him more considerate of how his actions and words would affect Jaskier. And it made him reflect on this relationship as well, how he could do better if given half the chance.
His gaze finds Jaskier's again and brows knit together. His hand turns within Jaskier's to lace fingers together, squeezing with a quiet resolve. ]
Now is the time for apologies because you deserve them. For everything you give, you deserve so much more in return. Fuck, Jas. You keep the peace because that's what you're expected to do. You give two hundred percent of yourself into relationships and you convince yourself that's okay. Because it's better, isn't it? It's better than being alone.
[ Tech shakes his head softly, his hands moving to clutch at Jaskier's cheeks. ]
I'll be the first to say I'm far from perfect. But I don't want you taking on my share of the relationship. This time I swear to you, Jules, that I will do right by you. And if I fuck up...I want you to call me out on it. Because...this is home. This is the place where you should feel the safest. This is the place where it's totally okay to walk around in the nude...
[ A pause. Then a faint smirk for levity's sake -- because that was the original shape of their relationship. Bearing their hearts and adding a joke. ]
...both figuratively nude and literally, of course.
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[When Tech releases Jaskier's hand, it slips and falls uselessly down at his side where his thumb seeks the sensation against the pads of his fingers in slow circles.]
[The nightmares plagued him. Robbed him of sleep while he starved and watched the people he loves waste from a disease that couldn't be slowed, and listened helplessly as a different sort of rot took hold of Tech. Tech had barely returned before grief wedged itself between them as Tech became so preoccupied with loss that he stopped being with Jaskier and threw himself so deep within the past where perhaps he thought there might be no hurt. And then he was gone. He was well and truly gone. And all Jaskier had aside from a bottle to drown himself with was quiet confessions in the dark with Yennefer to ease the tattering of his heart.]
[He didn't resent Tech for any of it. He wasn't angry. He wasn't disappointed or even altogether that upset. But it had hurt. It hurt to have been pushed aside whether by an impulsive thought of heroics or that instinctive will to self-preserve from a potential future heartbreak.]
[Jaskier swallows thickly, dropping his gaze before lifting it and diverting it somewhere other than on Tech even though he suspects it's too late. There isn't even a remote possibility that this close together that Tech could have possibly missed all the old hurts and wounds in Jaskier's eyes. He never seems to though. He never misses the things Jaskier doesn't say quite so loudly. He's never truly distracted by Jaskier's theatrics or flamboyant presentation. He always manages in the end, to coax the truth of Jaskier's thoughts and feelings out of him even when Jaskier doesn't want to part with it. Perhaps even most often when he doesn't because he's far too scared of the consequences. But even knowing how well Tech tends to hear him, how much better he seems to know and understand than even people who have known him for years... It's still a vulnerability Jaskier's never quite prepared for.]
[His hand raises again to clasp one of Tech's against his cheek, allowing Jaskier to turn his head to press his trace of a smile into the heel of Tech's hand at his joke.]
Well, [he says, turning his head again to look at Tech. There's a small sniffle.] Since you brought it up, I have to say there's a very distinct lack of making love to me happening right now. Which I think really ought to be rectified in the next ten to fifteen minutes, or I'm afraid we are well and truly doomed.
[Jaskier's faint grin fades though as he glances down again. He's near about to say something, but stops short and opts instead for another kiss.]
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So Tech offers only a quiet smile, reassuring that it's okay if he doesn't say anything right now. It's okay if he chooses to never say anything -- to let the past be the past. But Tech still wanted to offer the apology to acknowledge how he wronged him and his intention to be a better partner in the future. He returns the kiss with this in his heart -- a silent vow to be the sort of lover Jaskier deserved this time around. The kiss lingers, loving and heated, and after a time it's Tech who parts, licking his lips and leaning his forehead to Jaskier's. ]
So demanding. Maybe I still had things I wanted to talk about. Like your doublets. Awful. So glad you changed up the style. I will never criticize your many layers ever again.
[ He flashes him a smile. At some point he would tell Jaskier all about his thoughts about him as an eighteen year old. He'd tell him the things he admired and the ways Tech fucked up in that relationship. He'd tell him the things he's glad had changed and the things he's glad had stayed the same. But at least with this little tease, Jaskier's bound to know that Tech had found a younger version of himself. And maybe he could begin to understand why it was Tech yearned to find this Jaskier again.
For now, he takes Jaskier's hand to give him a playful spin before his arm settles around his shoulders. The tears had been shed. The sincerity had been shared. And now what's left on the list of things to do after a long-awaited reunion is the lovemaking. Tech imagines that will be the longest part, likely taking up most of the night into early morning. There are many months to make up for, after all. ]
C'mon, lovebird. Let's go home.
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[Of course, this tender moment is almost immediately followed by a scoff of disbelief and offense as Tech opts to criticize Jaskier's sartorial choices of yore coupled with the dawning horror and realization that if Jaskier was wearing doublets, that meant... Oh gods, how young was he in this other world of Tech's!? Truly the karma for all the times he teased and poked fun at Tech's inability to understand the nuances of texting and emojis when he was a younger version of himself is coming home to roost, but! It still was immediately and completely unfair.]
[Still, Jaskier allows himself to be spun about and nestles in close, wrapping an arm around Tech's middle.]
Lovebird? That's a new one. [There's a small beat before Jaskier uses his free hand to playfully grab at and shake Tech's face.] At least it had best be a new one. I find out you're trying to seduce me with tricks you've already used on me, I'm going to be extremely cross with you for the lack of originality.
[Not for thinking about a younger Jaskier because Jaskier frankly couldn't care less if Tech thinks about all the times he managed to convince Jaskier to shed his doublets. He is, at the end of the day, fantasizing about Jaskier after all. And why wouldn't he? It'd be a little insulting if Tech didn't, if Jaskier were completely honest. But reusing lines and names that he knows with certainty will already work is absolutely a sin and Jaskier will not hesitate to give him endless grief for it.]
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It's new, babe. Don't worry. I couldn't call you the same sort of nicknames there. Or more...I wouldn't let myself. You were my song sparrow or Jask or Julian. Julian tended to be the default, actually. It felt right to call you that during our more serious conversations...
[ He shoulders open the hotel doors and then starts on the path toward Hellburbia, looking up at the horrendous red sky. Fuck. How wonderful it would be to be able to live somewhere with this Jaskier and see a normal sky or normal stars? How special would it be to watch a sunrise together?
Eyes drift to his side to take in Jaskier's profile and then he looks off again, tongue tracing lips before he makes a quiet confession: ]
I'd like to hope you weren't just latching onto it with the excitement of youth, though, when I called you my soulmate. We found each other in a world between worlds. Then we found each other in a different world. Finding you again like this should have been impossible. A one in a billion chance. Yet...somehow here we are. If that's not soulmates, I don't fucking know what is...
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[He tips his head slightly to have a better look at Tech as he makes his quiet confession. A soft smile blossoms on Jaskier's face and he turns his attention back to the path ahead as he idly plays with Tech's fingers in his hand.]
Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say the excitement of youth probably played a part in it, [he says with a small laugh.] What's more romantic and grander than the notion of being destined to be the beloved bard of a god, hm? And across worlds and lifetimes no less.
[Jaskier turns his head again to press a kiss to Tech's cheek, his hand falling away from Tech's to hold his opposite cheek at the same time. An even gentler touch compared to the playful roughhousing a moment ago.]
But I'd also say despite all the foolishness of my youth, I still possessed a bit of sense. [Jaskier doesn't think he could truly fathom the depth of foolishness he'd have to possess in order to miss what is so plainly there in front of him. Even if he possessed less sense than he does now or if he was a bit more insecure, Jaskier doesn't think he could look at the sum of this and conclude anything different. Not when he'd already reached a similar conclusion months ago.] It wasn't just the heat of the moment that made me say it before, you know.
[Jaskier stops them just briefly so that he can turn Tech's gaze his way and meet his eyes.]
I was born to love you, Tech.
[Perhaps not in the same ways every time. Jaskier couldn't rightly say how much Tech's relationship with Jaskier in that other world reflected or differed from their love here and now, but as Jaskier said from the very beginning, love can take so many shapes and forms. Their love is likely no exception to that simply because they are the ones who shape it, and no amount of external influence could ever truly change that. What they are is by their choice. But Jaskier cannot imagine a scenario in which he wouldn't come to love Tech. No matter how long it took or what obstacles stood in the way, he would always love him.]
You're my Destiny.
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And then it hits Tech -- a well of emotion as he realizes Jaskier was alone. Jaskier was completely and utterly alone for however long. There was no second Technical Boy to help him process. He had to face loss and then with that grief in his heart, he vanished. Back home? Somewhere else? Wherever sinners went between here and there. He didn't have to carry the grief with him, but that he was alone for any amount of time is heartwrenching.
Tech's arm draws away from Jaskier's shoulders so he can throw himself forward -- practically barreling against him in a tight embrace. Somehow he manages to not sob, though not without a little hiccup of a whimper -- forehead burrowing against Jaskier's shoulder. Fingers clutch the back of his jacket and he takes a moment here to let the world fade away -- to let it just simply be them alone on this makeshift trail. And he holds Jaskier in a way that's every bit taking comfort as it is offering it -- a way to say I'm here. I'm real. You don't have to face things alone. ]
Heh...
[ When he finally finds his voice, the laugh is fragile -- as though at any moment it could break into a wail. ]
When you say things like that, I almost believe nothing's impossible for us...
[ Tech lifts his head from it's place, bringing his palms to Jaskier's cheeks so he can kiss him once again -- soft, tender and languid. Palms fall to Jaskier's chest, one resting at his heart while the other finds a space a few inches apart beside it. They make their own destiny. They are each others destiny.
The kiss comes to a lazy end and for a few seconds Tech merely shares a breath with Jaskier. ]
It's a dangerous thing you do, Jaskier the bard...giving someone like me something to hope for.
[ Jaskier came into Tech's life and batted away the nihilism, replacing it with something far greater. A burgeoning hope. This hope has simultaneously been the most wonderful thing in the world and the most painful. Even now, in the height of victory with this reunion, Tech fears what may come in the future. Will they lose one another again as they escape hell and find Jaskier cannot carry his memories with him? Or will they be doomed to have this incredible love in a place of eternal suffering? The best thing Tech could do for Jaskier would be to set him free -- to help him return to his world where he's no longer caged by limited places to explore and a red sky, a world where he's put down his roots. But the price of freeing him is loss. Still.
A bird is meant to fly free, no matter how nice a cage may seem for a time... ]
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[Jaskier smiles into the kiss when Tech brings their lips together because as far as he's concerned, impossible truly doesn't exist. If they've a will for something, they will find their way to it eventually. It might not be without its hardships or challenges, but they will find their way eventually. Jaskier's hand slips from Tech's hair to rest on the hand over his heart. As the kiss fades away, he presses upon that hand, a simple, wordless expression of his want to give the man he loves everything.]
It's a risk worth taking, [he murmurs quietly in return. Jaskier's lips find Tech's again in a chaster, more simple kiss in response to a fluttering need for more affection to be given. Releasing Tech's hand, he wraps his arms around Tech's neck.] No matter what happens, you will always have been worth the risk.
[A hand cups Tech's cheek, but Jaskier doesn't kiss him even as his thumb strokes along Tech's cheekbone. Jaskier merely looks at him and in Jaskier's eyes is everything. His heartache and longing. His love and adoration. His anxieties and worries. His passion and worship. He hides nothing from Tech in his gaze with this shared breath of theirs. It's all that he is and all that he has to offer, but it's Tech's. For as long as Tech wants it, it's his.]
[When he kisses Tech again, it's a sweet and delicate thing. Not uncertain, but delicate and gentle. Their lips barely part from one another at all, perhaps leaving it a touch ambiguous if the kiss even came to an end, when Jaskier says,]
Take me home, darling. Please.
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But Jaskier looks at Tech with the whole of his heart and kisses away the quiet worries and doubts as though he knows they need to be kissed away. How can Tech protest Jaskier's suggestion? Home as in their house and home as in each other. There's a special brand of home when their bodies are entangled in passion as well, a feeling of being complete when they're one for as long as it lasts. Jaskier likely means all three of those things, and so Tech simply nods and slides his hand within Jaskier's to quietly start them on the path again. ]
I wrote to you while I was away. I had a journal -- an actual, physical fucking journal. Would you believe that? But every day I'd write you letters. Every day I'd write it all with the hope one day you'd get to read it or we'd be reunited against all odds and I could give it to you. Now I'm here. And the journal is there.
[ In all of his relief to see this version of Jaskier again, he hadn't really allowed himself to think of what would happen to that Jaskier. There's a pain in his chest when he thinks of that Jaskier potentially finding the journal -- reading words that weren't meant for him and being hurt by them. Tech had been honest, sometimes blunt -- especially in the beginning. Sometimes he questioned his own motives, wondering if he was only drawn to Jaskier's younger version because it was all he had. Those feelings changed over time. Sometimes Tech documented those changes, but most times it was obvious in the unspoken -- in the shorter entries where Tech wouldn't say much of anything more than a detailed list of what he did that day or the way he stopped punctuating how much he missed this Jaskier.
Even so, he worries. He worries that he will be the one to shatter that Jaskier's heart. His disappearance will be hard enough without dealing a finishing strike with the journal. Brows knit together and he toys with the ring on his finger. ]
I hope you don't find it there...
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[He lifts his gaze, offering Tech a faint smile.]
Having once been myself at a younger age and my persistent inability to let well enough alone back then... [he says as though the same were not still true of him even now despite the fact it very much is, just in a different form at times.] I will likely find it eventually. And I'll probably be nosy enough to read it.
But, darling, don't underestimate my ability to understand. [He gives another squeeze to Tech's hand.] I was as much a poet back then as I am now.
[Which isn't Jaskier's way of commenting upon his ability to perspective take so much as it is he understands words better than most. So, even if there are things that Tech has written to Jaskier in this journal of his that lack context, that would leave a younger Jaskier who hadn't lived through this time with Tech a bit lost with some of the finer details, Jaskier is confident he'll understand. He'll realize what isn't being said, and know that whatever hurts he might find within those pages are things that Jaskier will have manifested for himself out of jealousy or insecurity. He'll know that what Tech has written will be nothing short of love with enough time.]
[Jaskier hums in light amusement, the sound not quite making it into a laugh as the corners of his lips lift into a wider smile.]
I always thought that was such a pain in the arse when I was younger. Being underestimated, I mean. People knew I wasn't a good student. I loathed hard work of any sort. I was flighty. Prone to fits of passion and flitting off to whatever or whoever next I fancied, [he says, his free hand drifting off as if to follow this image of himself to wherever next he might wander.] I never seemed to care about much of anything either. Not anything anyone considered truly important, anyway.
Now, I don't mind it so much. Partially because some of that is true and I don't much care to have anything asked of me that would require too much effort, [he says with a teasing grin as he lightly swings their hand together. It's not exactly a secret with how often Jaskier's managed to avoid the majority of housework in the time they've been together, so he hardly has any qualms about admitting it to Tech even if he would otherwise begin squawking with offense at the accusation.] But I don't know. I suppose part of it is... Well, people are so much easier to be themselves when they believe they've worked the other person out.
[And all the better if they think Jaskier frivolous or careless in some capacity. Then it's all the more reason for them to not maintain whatever walls or defenses they might otherwise, and Jaskier is able to do whatever it is he needs or wants to do from there. Be it to provide them with what they truly need or draw inspiration or even simply to survive.]
[He wrinkles his nose.]
Gods, you've got me waxing nostalgic about my youth. Must you age me so? You could have waited at least another hour!
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So if this was one of the things Tech deeply wanted -- if this was the Jaskier who was 'on his level,' why does this nostalgia inspire a deep ache in his chest? He supposes it's because it reminds him of the things he doesn't like to think about. Just how short his time will always be with Jaskier. How truly mortal he is. Maybe not in hell where they can die and revive. Maybe not even in Folkmore where the same mechanics apply so long as Thirteen willed it. But even if he started over with Jaskier at eighteen years old, Tech realizes it will never be enough time for him. Blink and forty years have passed. It will have only ever been brief and fleeting. Brilliant like a star streaking across the sky, but gone in an instant.
His eyes return to the path and the hand not holding Jaskier's twists the ring on his finger, thumbing the band. ]
Anyone who thinks they have you fully figured out is a fool.
[ Even Tech had become complacent in his knowledge of Jaskier -- of the composite sketch he'd created in his mind. An image that got torn to shreds when he met his younger self. Oh, there are many bits of Jaskier that are what you see is what you get, but there's a depth beyond it. Maybe even a depth beyond Jaskier's own understanding. Because as he walks forward in his place with Geralt and Yennefer, it always seems he's had to be what other people needed -- and not what he, himself, needed. Would Jaskier even be able to define who Jaskier was without putting those he loved before himself?
Tech shakes his head quietly and then takes a detour from the direction of the house, pulling Jaskier off the familiar path -- through the haunting trees and foliage Mammon had planted. He doesn't bother to explain himself, merely continuing the conversation they were having. ]
Every day I spend with you is getting a piece of a puzzle. Sometimes it slots immediately into place, but sometimes it takes me an obscenely long amount of time to finally figure it out. Which most of the time is me being a complete fucking moron. But sometimes it's because I needed a different context.
[ Time with Jaskier's younger self, perhaps.
At the end of this new path, they find themselves deep in the gardens. Things in hell reflect its state of disarray. What had once been green and vibrant was now mostly brown and decayed. Flowers are withered, unsightly weeds grow with wicked thorns protruding from their stems, and there's a general musty stench in the air. But although the bench has acquired rust, the spot where Jaskier and Tech had their very first intimate encounter remains in tact. And behind that bench, Tech beckons Jaskier to have a look -- sweeping aside dried brush with a hand to reveal a single, beautiful buttercup. ]
Even in the most impossible soil and terrain, a Jaskier can blossom.
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[Jaskier's attention is drawn from their surroundings when Tech calls for it on the small bloom at their feet.]
My, I must have really left an impression on you after all. I've got you speaking in metaphors now. [It's a light tease, and one that could easily be taken for a deflection of Tech's sentiment. It wouldn't be all that uncharacteristic for him to do as much. Those more abstract compliments are rarely ever ones that Jaskier allows to settle and stand without protest because they never feel as though they suit him. He's the storyteller, after all. Not the hero. But he doesn't brush it aside so easily now. Jaskier gently pulls Tech closer to him again to rest his forehead against his.] It's nice hearing you talk like this again, my darling...
[It feels as though it had been so long since Tech had even a hint of hope in his voice again. After Ava left... Well, it had been understandable so much of his faith in any semblance of a future being built because of their ability to defy the odds had been shaken, but it had hurt. It had hurt so much to feel Tech fading and drifting from him, and feeling so helpless to stop any of it. But now? Now, Tech is here and he's as vibrant as the buttercup pushing back against the decay of the land. He's not giving into wallowing in grief or allowing his hope to abandon him in this place.]
I was... I was scared you had given up. On this dream of ours. [There's a small pause before he ventures and pushes himself a little further to say,] On me.
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Tech doesn't answer immediately with words. His lips capture Jaskier's and he tastes him in a brief but meaningful kiss. And then, Tech adamantly shakes his head. ]
Never.
[ For as much as pessimism could rule his life and would still creep in, Jaskier had become Tech's purpose. Finding him again and again, loving him over and over, returning his lute to him, and spending as much time as time would allow with the human before him. That was what Tech wanted to live for -- to live beyond the years that would be allotted to him in his world, the time when he would die and be what the world needed from him next. Tech wanted to go out with his greatest achievement being this love he and Jaskier shared. ]
Even when I went, I wasn't gone.
[ His hand finds its way to Jaskier's heart, resting there tenderly. His words could take on multiple meanings. When he retreated into himself and let an older era in the forefront or when he followed the fox and left Jaskier behind. No matter which one it was, his heart remained with this Jaskier.
And that would become Tech's one issue to overcome. The Orpheus and Eurydice problem of looking back and missing what was right in front of him all along. It happened with Jaskier's younger self and it would happen again when Jaskier was sent home by Thirteen to age ten years. And then, he would be gone...and Tech will have felt he doomed himself to the hell of living alone because he just kept looking to what he had and not seeing what he has.
But at least now, right here...he's with this Jaskier. ]
I will always come home.
[ He presses his hand a little harder against Jaskier's chest and he tips his head up to kiss him again. This one longer, lingering, and highly likely to segue into lovemaking unless Jaskier had reason to interrupt. ]