[ So you've realized it, too... he nearly says a breath away from Jaskier's lips. So you've realized it, too... he thinks instead, a private, embittered thought. The love they share is impossibly far reaching. It could transcend worlds and timelines. But this version of Jaskier? The one who loved Tech first, who set things into motion? He was doomed to a future of loss...whether because Tech vanished and he had to live with that or because he found himself elsewhere (home or even another world) without memories. The pain wouldn't be as poignant in the latter case, but the truth is always there. This version of them would never have a happy ending and when this version of them is exactly what the other needs, that's a terrifying thing to have to face. Loss and loneliness.
But by that same logic, they shouldn't have even had a second chance. So this is something to be celebrated, isn't it? Rejoicing in the fact that they were somehow allotted more time. That's how Jaskier would view it. But Tech can't help but hear the pain in Jaskier's voice, that quivering fear of loss. Guilt forms an icy pit in the center of his stomach.
He didn't leave Jaskier intentionally. The fox showing up was disorienting and before he knew it, when he looked back -- his bed and Jaskier could no longer be seen. You'll go back for him, right? He'd somehow managed to ask Thirteen, a quiet plea. Thirteen never answered. Not directly. But she gave him a sly little smile which felt like answer enough. In a place of possibilities and potential, Tech thought he and Jaskier were going to get to take this wonderful thing they built and allow it to blossom in a better place than hell.
But in the end, Tech left Jaskier. He left him here and he left him there. An unshakable weight comes with that. Returning to this version of Jaskier was everything Tech had wanted, and yet in the back of his mind, he wonders how the younger version would react to the loss. Would he be, not just sad, but devastated as well? Tech gets the sense this Jaskier had been left in a state of devastation -- the way he confesses his fear like a quiet prayer. A younger Jaskier doesn't need Tech the same way. He's less broken and less plagued by the haunting echoes of torture, but even so... loss can be gutting.
It would be far too easy to wallow in the pessimism of his thoughts. He's inclined toward it, after all. Tech's always been a glass half-empty sorta guy. But Jaskier needs him to not be that guy. He needs Tech to be what he learned to be around his younger version. Stronger, steadier, considerate of his feelings, and starting to believe in the endless possibilities of them and their love. Soul mates. Perfect compliments. His hand draws away from Jaskier's back so the knuckles of his fingers could skim the curve of Jaskier's cheek, palm finding its home on Jaskier's face as a mirror of the touch Jaskier's bestowing on Tech. ]
I was scared too for the same reasons, but...maybe it'll be a comfort if I tell you we find a way. In an entirely new world, we found a way. It wasn't easy to have to start over, to have you forget who I am and to be the only one to hold all of our history together. It was painful and lonely and not a day went by when I didn't want to find this again.
[ He steps closer, even though they are already so very close, his free hand placing itself against Jaskier's heart. God, how wonderful it is to place his palm there and know Jaskier knows the meaning. ]
I never intended to leave you. I'm so sorry for leaving you. Even if it wasn't my intention, it still doesn't change that I was gone and you had to carry on without me.
[ His breath catches on and he swallows the sob that wants to escape again, the quiver of another breakdown on the horizon. Tech licks his lips and keeps his eyes away from meeting Jaskier's -- afraid if he looks deep into his eyes, he'll see a resentment or an anger. ]
No. The truth is I was gone even before I left, wasn't I? I'm sorry, Jaskier. I'm so, so sorry.
[Jaskier's gaze lifts from his hand on Tech's chest. He'd been looking at it while listening to Tech talk about another world wherein they were able to be together albeit not as they are now. It seems almost unfathomable to believe. Much as they had talked about finding a way to bring Tech from this place to Jaskier's world and the chance that Jaskier wouldn't remember him, that was something they were planning. Something they intended to take as many proactive steps to prevent as much heartache as they possibly could, to make sure the dream of a singular life together wouldn't be lost or forgotten to forces seemingly more powerful than either of them. But what keeps Jaskier's doubts quiet and private is the pain in Tech's voice when he speaks of it. He found a form of happiness there that much is certain, but something was off. Something was missing. He still yearned to be here. To be at Jaskier's side and not with whoever he managed to find in that other world.]
[Honestly, Jaskier doesn't know whether to be envious of his other self or pity him.]
[But Jaskier hears that catch in Tech's breath and it pulls him from his thoughts, from his private little reverie at the steady thrumming of Tech's heart beneath his hand with every rise and fall of Tech's breath. Shaking his head, Jaskier lifts his forehead from Tech's.]
No, no, my darling. Now's not the time for apologies. Or all this sorrow. [Jaskier's hand leaves the spot above Tech's heart and presses upon Tech's above his own.] We're together again.
[Tech's assumption about how Jaskier would see things isn't that far off the mark. They lost time together and, just as Tech said, not only when they were worlds apart. Grief over Ava hanged over them like a dark cloud, coloring everything and having Tech withdraw so far into himself that the fractures Mammon started finally seemed to come to fruition for a time. And they were separated. Not just separated, but thoroughly aware of that separation. There was plenty to mourn and grieve and regret. But while Jaskier never makes a case for ignoring the ugly realities of the world and life, he certainly doesn't believe all that strongly in dwelling upon them.]
[He presses a gentle, chaste kiss to Tech's lips again, running fingers through his hair.]
We're together and we have a chance. To do this better.
[No more hiding away. No more leaving things up to Destiny or chance. As far as Jaskier is concerned, they have a present and more importantly, they have a future. A future that's worth fighting for, finding ways to shape instead of leaving it all up to dreams.]
[ He responds to the gentle pressure of the kiss with a return of his own, eyes flicking up to meet Jaskier's again. They lower to his lips and then his jaw before settling on their hands entwined at Jaskier's chest. ]
There's truth to what you're saying, songbird. But...
[ He trails off. It feels wrong in a way. The thing that made this relationship easier was Jaskier swallowing down his own feelings, acquiescing and taking the hurt on his own shoulders -- choosing to bury it deep because that's how he had to be to make the relationships around him work. And he would rather suffer his hurts alone than burden his partners or his Geralt with them.
But Tech had experienced first hand what it was like when Jaskier spoke his mind -- when there was a storm inside of him that wasn't afraid to call someone out. At first, Tech didn't like it. Who would like being told they were being cruel or that they put their foot in their mouth? But then, Tech grew to value it. The spark. For as difficult as it had been to navigate, it also made him more considerate of how his actions and words would affect Jaskier. And it made him reflect on this relationship as well, how he could do better if given half the chance.
His gaze finds Jaskier's again and brows knit together. His hand turns within Jaskier's to lace fingers together, squeezing with a quiet resolve. ]
Now is the time for apologies because you deserve them. For everything you give, you deserve so much more in return. Fuck, Jas. You keep the peace because that's what you're expected to do. You give two hundred percent of yourself into relationships and you convince yourself that's okay. Because it's better, isn't it? It's better than being alone.
[ Tech shakes his head softly, his hands moving to clutch at Jaskier's cheeks. ]
I'll be the first to say I'm far from perfect. But I don't want you taking on my share of the relationship. This time I swear to you, Jules, that I will do right by you. And if I fuck up...I want you to call me out on it. Because...this is home. This is the place where you should feel the safest. This is the place where it's totally okay to walk around in the nude...
[ A pause. Then a faint smirk for levity's sake -- because that was the original shape of their relationship. Bearing their hearts and adding a joke. ]
...both figuratively nude and literally, of course.
[There's a questioning look given to Tech when he trails off, but rather than ask after what comes next, Jaskier doesn't rush Tech for an explanation. He instead waits for Tech collect his thoughts, to find his words and meet his eyes again. Jaskier's own gaze drops for just a brief moment to their hands at the gentle squeeze, returning again to meet Tech's eyes as he explains why Jaskier doesn't have it entirely right. It's not long into Tech's explanation, his defense of reason to apologize, that Jaskier feels as though Tech has managed to spirit away all the air in Jaskier's lungs. Fresh tears prick and sting at his eyes as it's impossible not to think about the jagged edges of broken promises in the past. All the times Tech promised he wouldn't leave, but he did. Again and again. To Mammon's. Within himself. To some other world that Jaskier couldn't follow him. No parting had malicious intent, but it didn't make it easier.]
[When Tech releases Jaskier's hand, it slips and falls uselessly down at his side where his thumb seeks the sensation against the pads of his fingers in slow circles.]
[The nightmares plagued him. Robbed him of sleep while he starved and watched the people he loves waste from a disease that couldn't be slowed, and listened helplessly as a different sort of rot took hold of Tech. Tech had barely returned before grief wedged itself between them as Tech became so preoccupied with loss that he stopped being with Jaskier and threw himself so deep within the past where perhaps he thought there might be no hurt. And then he was gone. He was well and truly gone. And all Jaskier had aside from a bottle to drown himself with was quiet confessions in the dark with Yennefer to ease the tattering of his heart.]
[He didn't resent Tech for any of it. He wasn't angry. He wasn't disappointed or even altogether that upset. But it had hurt. It hurt to have been pushed aside whether by an impulsive thought of heroics or that instinctive will to self-preserve from a potential future heartbreak.]
[Jaskier swallows thickly, dropping his gaze before lifting it and diverting it somewhere other than on Tech even though he suspects it's too late. There isn't even a remote possibility that this close together that Tech could have possibly missed all the old hurts and wounds in Jaskier's eyes. He never seems to though. He never misses the things Jaskier doesn't say quite so loudly. He's never truly distracted by Jaskier's theatrics or flamboyant presentation. He always manages in the end, to coax the truth of Jaskier's thoughts and feelings out of him even when Jaskier doesn't want to part with it. Perhaps even most often when he doesn't because he's far too scared of the consequences. But even knowing how well Tech tends to hear him, how much better he seems to know and understand than even people who have known him for years... It's still a vulnerability Jaskier's never quite prepared for.]
[His hand raises again to clasp one of Tech's against his cheek, allowing Jaskier to turn his head to press his trace of a smile into the heel of Tech's hand at his joke.]
Well, [he says, turning his head again to look at Tech. There's a small sniffle.] Since you brought it up, I have to say there's a very distinct lack of making love to me happening right now. Which I think really ought to be rectified in the next ten to fifteen minutes, or I'm afraid we are well and truly doomed.
[Jaskier's faint grin fades though as he glances down again. He's near about to say something, but stops short and opts instead for another kiss.]
[ Jaskier is correct in that the damage is done. Tech has seen the pain. He has no way of knowing what incident brought the surge of past hurt. Maybe all of them. Tech won't know unless Jaskier talks about it. There's little more he can say beyond what he's already said because then it would get into prying territory. And Tech doesn't want to pry. He wants Jaskier to trust him, to feel like he can talk about anything. He wants Jaskier to summon his own bravery rather than be strong armed into talking.
So Tech offers only a quiet smile, reassuring that it's okay if he doesn't say anything right now. It's okay if he chooses to never say anything -- to let the past be the past. But Tech still wanted to offer the apology to acknowledge how he wronged him and his intention to be a better partner in the future. He returns the kiss with this in his heart -- a silent vow to be the sort of lover Jaskier deserved this time around. The kiss lingers, loving and heated, and after a time it's Tech who parts, licking his lips and leaning his forehead to Jaskier's. ]
So demanding. Maybe I still had things I wanted to talk about. Like your doublets. Awful. So glad you changed up the style. I will never criticize your many layers ever again.
[ He flashes him a smile. At some point he would tell Jaskier all about his thoughts about him as an eighteen year old. He'd tell him the things he admired and the ways Tech fucked up in that relationship. He'd tell him the things he's glad had changed and the things he's glad had stayed the same. But at least with this little tease, Jaskier's bound to know that Tech had found a younger version of himself. And maybe he could begin to understand why it was Tech yearned to find this Jaskier again.
For now, he takes Jaskier's hand to give him a playful spin before his arm settles around his shoulders. The tears had been shed. The sincerity had been shared. And now what's left on the list of things to do after a long-awaited reunion is the lovemaking. Tech imagines that will be the longest part, likely taking up most of the night into early morning. There are many months to make up for, after all. ]
[There's a soft sound from Jaskier when Tech breaks the kiss. It is, of course, a touch disappointed for the kiss to have found its end at all, but it's not just that. It's a release in of itself, a willingness to lean into Tech not just physically as he has been, but on all the ways that Jaskier finds comfort and safety with him. Because even if he can't bring himself to talk about it right now, potentially ever, it's not anything to do with Tech. It's just not the sort of bravery that Jaskier possesses. Not right now. Not yet.]
[Of course, this tender moment is almost immediately followed by a scoff of disbelief and offense as Tech opts to criticize Jaskier's sartorial choices of yore coupled with the dawning horror and realization that if Jaskier was wearing doublets, that meant... Oh gods, how young was he in this other world of Tech's!? Truly the karma for all the times he teased and poked fun at Tech's inability to understand the nuances of texting and emojis when he was a younger version of himself is coming home to roost, but! It still was immediately and completely unfair.]
[Still, Jaskier allows himself to be spun about and nestles in close, wrapping an arm around Tech's middle.]
Lovebird? That's a new one. [There's a small beat before Jaskier uses his free hand to playfully grab at and shake Tech's face.] At least it had best be a new one. I find out you're trying to seduce me with tricks you've already used on me, I'm going to be extremely cross with you for the lack of originality.
[Not for thinking about a younger Jaskier because Jaskier frankly couldn't care less if Tech thinks about all the times he managed to convince Jaskier to shed his doublets. He is, at the end of the day, fantasizing about Jaskier after all. And why wouldn't he? It'd be a little insulting if Tech didn't, if Jaskier were completely honest. But reusing lines and names that he knows with certainty will already work is absolutely a sin and Jaskier will not hesitate to give him endless grief for it.]
[ He laughs when his face gets shaken. And it's so freeing to laugh in this way. It feels like since he left this Jaskier, he hasn't truly gotten to laugh. It's impossible to laugh with the utmost joy when half of his heart was shackled by chains of grief. Grief was only made worse when it reached their year mark. But now? Now it's freeing to have this Jaskier again, to go back to where they started. Now it's freeing to be able to talk about anything from Jaskier's past to his future. Nothing is off limits. Nothing needs to be withheld. This Jaskier knows the worst of him and loves him anyway. So Tech can laugh because with this Jaskier he's truly free. Emotionally, at least. Physically they are still very much trapped in hell. ]
It's new, babe. Don't worry. I couldn't call you the same sort of nicknames there. Or more...I wouldn't let myself. You were my song sparrow or Jask or Julian. Julian tended to be the default, actually. It felt right to call you that during our more serious conversations...
[ He shoulders open the hotel doors and then starts on the path toward Hellburbia, looking up at the horrendous red sky. Fuck. How wonderful it would be to be able to live somewhere with this Jaskier and see a normal sky or normal stars? How special would it be to watch a sunrise together?
Eyes drift to his side to take in Jaskier's profile and then he looks off again, tongue tracing lips before he makes a quiet confession: ]
I'd like to hope you weren't just latching onto it with the excitement of youth, though, when I called you my soulmate. We found each other in a world between worlds. Then we found each other in a different world. Finding you again like this should have been impossible. A one in a billion chance. Yet...somehow here we are. If that's not soulmates, I don't fucking know what is...
[Julian? That gets a raising of Jaskier's eyebrows because, gods, he must have been so young if that felt more fitting. But ultimately he says nothing of it as they step outside and begin the path through to Hellburbia. Instead, he threads his fingers through Tech's hand of his arm wrapped around Jaskier's shoulders and drawing it nearer not just to momentarily tighten their embrace of one another, but to press a kiss to Tech's knuckles.]
[He tips his head slightly to have a better look at Tech as he makes his quiet confession. A soft smile blossoms on Jaskier's face and he turns his attention back to the path ahead as he idly plays with Tech's fingers in his hand.]
Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say the excitement of youth probably played a part in it, [he says with a small laugh.] What's more romantic and grander than the notion of being destined to be the beloved bard of a god, hm? And across worlds and lifetimes no less.
[Jaskier turns his head again to press a kiss to Tech's cheek, his hand falling away from Tech's to hold his opposite cheek at the same time. An even gentler touch compared to the playful roughhousing a moment ago.]
But I'd also say despite all the foolishness of my youth, I still possessed a bit of sense. [Jaskier doesn't think he could truly fathom the depth of foolishness he'd have to possess in order to miss what is so plainly there in front of him. Even if he possessed less sense than he does now or if he was a bit more insecure, Jaskier doesn't think he could look at the sum of this and conclude anything different. Not when he'd already reached a similar conclusion months ago.] It wasn't just the heat of the moment that made me say it before, you know.
[Jaskier stops them just briefly so that he can turn Tech's gaze his way and meet his eyes.]
I was born to love you, Tech.
[Perhaps not in the same ways every time. Jaskier couldn't rightly say how much Tech's relationship with Jaskier in that other world reflected or differed from their love here and now, but as Jaskier said from the very beginning, love can take so many shapes and forms. Their love is likely no exception to that simply because they are the ones who shape it, and no amount of external influence could ever truly change that. What they are is by their choice. But Jaskier cannot imagine a scenario in which he wouldn't come to love Tech. No matter how long it took or what obstacles stood in the way, he would always love him.]
[ The forward momentum stops as Jaskier stops them, cupping his cheek tenderly. Things like this when uttered by anyone else would sound like pure bullshit -- just a sappy, romantic line with no true meaning. Even when Jaskier had said it before, Tech couldn't bring himself to believe it. Not for lack of want but more because he believed Jaskier was born for far greater things and that loving Tech was simply some anomaly that, while could be repeated, could never be the same. It was something he had to experience to learn the truth of Jaskier's words -- to find him again and to fall for him again. And then to come back to him at the end of it and hear these words presented in a different context.
And then it hits Tech -- a well of emotion as he realizes Jaskier was alone. Jaskier was completely and utterly alone for however long. There was no second Technical Boy to help him process. He had to face loss and then with that grief in his heart, he vanished. Back home? Somewhere else? Wherever sinners went between here and there. He didn't have to carry the grief with him, but that he was alone for any amount of time is heartwrenching.
Tech's arm draws away from Jaskier's shoulders so he can throw himself forward -- practically barreling against him in a tight embrace. Somehow he manages to not sob, though not without a little hiccup of a whimper -- forehead burrowing against Jaskier's shoulder. Fingers clutch the back of his jacket and he takes a moment here to let the world fade away -- to let it just simply be them alone on this makeshift trail. And he holds Jaskier in a way that's every bit taking comfort as it is offering it -- a way to say I'm here. I'm real. You don't have to face things alone. ]
Heh...
[ When he finally finds his voice, the laugh is fragile -- as though at any moment it could break into a wail. ]
When you say things like that, I almost believe nothing's impossible for us...
[ Tech lifts his head from it's place, bringing his palms to Jaskier's cheeks so he can kiss him once again -- soft, tender and languid. Palms fall to Jaskier's chest, one resting at his heart while the other finds a space a few inches apart beside it. They make their own destiny. They are each others destiny.
The kiss comes to a lazy end and for a few seconds Tech merely shares a breath with Jaskier. ]
It's a dangerous thing you do, Jaskier the bard...giving someone like me something to hope for.
[ Jaskier came into Tech's life and batted away the nihilism, replacing it with something far greater. A burgeoning hope. This hope has simultaneously been the most wonderful thing in the world and the most painful. Even now, in the height of victory with this reunion, Tech fears what may come in the future. Will they lose one another again as they escape hell and find Jaskier cannot carry his memories with him? Or will they be doomed to have this incredible love in a place of eternal suffering? The best thing Tech could do for Jaskier would be to set him free -- to help him return to his world where he's no longer caged by limited places to explore and a red sky, a world where he's put down his roots. But the price of freeing him is loss. Still.
A bird is meant to fly free, no matter how nice a cage may seem for a time... ]
[When Tech more or less throws his arms around Jaskier, the bard slightly adjusts his hold on Tech. The arm around his middle tightens around him while the hand at Tech's cheek slips into his hair instead. He doesn't fully understand the sudden need for this kind of closeness, but Jaskier's hardly one to reject it. Especially when the warmth of Tech against him is so at once familiar and soothing. The bard closes his eyes, turning his head to press a kiss into Tech's hair and breathe in his scent while he remains so close and buried in Jaskier's arms. He only opens them again, loosening his hold on Tech, when Jaskier feels him starting to stir again and seek out a little space again.]
[Jaskier smiles into the kiss when Tech brings their lips together because as far as he's concerned, impossible truly doesn't exist. If they've a will for something, they will find their way to it eventually. It might not be without its hardships or challenges, but they will find their way eventually. Jaskier's hand slips from Tech's hair to rest on the hand over his heart. As the kiss fades away, he presses upon that hand, a simple, wordless expression of his want to give the man he loves everything.]
It's a risk worth taking, [he murmurs quietly in return. Jaskier's lips find Tech's again in a chaster, more simple kiss in response to a fluttering need for more affection to be given. Releasing Tech's hand, he wraps his arms around Tech's neck.] No matter what happens, you will always have been worth the risk.
[A hand cups Tech's cheek, but Jaskier doesn't kiss him even as his thumb strokes along Tech's cheekbone. Jaskier merely looks at him and in Jaskier's eyes is everything. His heartache and longing. His love and adoration. His anxieties and worries. His passion and worship. He hides nothing from Tech in his gaze with this shared breath of theirs. It's all that he is and all that he has to offer, but it's Tech's. For as long as Tech wants it, it's his.]
[When he kisses Tech again, it's a sweet and delicate thing. Not uncertain, but delicate and gentle. Their lips barely part from one another at all, perhaps leaving it a touch ambiguous if the kiss even came to an end, when Jaskier says,]
[ He offers a small, watery smile at Jaskier's reassurance. He's not entirely sure he believes it. Tech has no doubts Jaskier means what he says, but from an objective point of view (if Tech even can be objective regarding his own relationship) were Jaskier to come out of this worse than he went in, it wouldn't have been worth the risk. If Tech hurt Jaskier, tore his heart to pieces...it wouldn't have been worth the risk. Jaskier could believe in love above all else, believe in Tech -- but he was also fragile. Tech's hurt him before in so many ways, some unintentional and some simply thoughtless. He genuinely doesn't know how Jaskier can affirm the risk would be worth it knowing this.
But Jaskier looks at Tech with the whole of his heart and kisses away the quiet worries and doubts as though he knows they need to be kissed away. How can Tech protest Jaskier's suggestion? Home as in their house and home as in each other. There's a special brand of home when their bodies are entangled in passion as well, a feeling of being complete when they're one for as long as it lasts. Jaskier likely means all three of those things, and so Tech simply nods and slides his hand within Jaskier's to quietly start them on the path again. ]
I wrote to you while I was away. I had a journal -- an actual, physical fucking journal. Would you believe that? But every day I'd write you letters. Every day I'd write it all with the hope one day you'd get to read it or we'd be reunited against all odds and I could give it to you. Now I'm here. And the journal is there.
[ In all of his relief to see this version of Jaskier again, he hadn't really allowed himself to think of what would happen to that Jaskier. There's a pain in his chest when he thinks of that Jaskier potentially finding the journal -- reading words that weren't meant for him and being hurt by them. Tech had been honest, sometimes blunt -- especially in the beginning. Sometimes he questioned his own motives, wondering if he was only drawn to Jaskier's younger version because it was all he had. Those feelings changed over time. Sometimes Tech documented those changes, but most times it was obvious in the unspoken -- in the shorter entries where Tech wouldn't say much of anything more than a detailed list of what he did that day or the way he stopped punctuating how much he missed this Jaskier.
Even so, he worries. He worries that he will be the one to shatter that Jaskier's heart. His disappearance will be hard enough without dealing a finishing strike with the journal. Brows knit together and he toys with the ring on his finger. ]
[There's a light squeeze to Tech's hand as they begin to walk the path home again. It's as much a gentle reassurance of the realness of this moment to the both of them as each of their embraces and kisses thus far has been albeit likely a touch more understated by comparison given it's a far less significant disruption to their walking together. Jaskier doesn't pay quite as much mind to where they're going and watches their feet more than anything, leaving the direction of where they're heading and avoiding any tripping hazards more or less entirely up to Tech. Jaskier's too lost in the sound of Tech's voice alone. He follows along Tech's cadence, the way his accent shifts and pulls at the vowels all the while not letting the words be entirely lost to him.]
[He lifts his gaze, offering Tech a faint smile.]
Having once been myself at a younger age and my persistent inability to let well enough alone back then... [he says as though the same were not still true of him even now despite the fact it very much is, just in a different form at times.] I will likely find it eventually. And I'll probably be nosy enough to read it.
But, darling, don't underestimate my ability to understand. [He gives another squeeze to Tech's hand.] I was as much a poet back then as I am now.
[Which isn't Jaskier's way of commenting upon his ability to perspective take so much as it is he understands words better than most. So, even if there are things that Tech has written to Jaskier in this journal of his that lack context, that would leave a younger Jaskier who hadn't lived through this time with Tech a bit lost with some of the finer details, Jaskier is confident he'll understand. He'll realize what isn't being said, and know that whatever hurts he might find within those pages are things that Jaskier will have manifested for himself out of jealousy or insecurity. He'll know that what Tech has written will be nothing short of love with enough time.]
[Jaskier hums in light amusement, the sound not quite making it into a laugh as the corners of his lips lift into a wider smile.]
I always thought that was such a pain in the arse when I was younger. Being underestimated, I mean. People knew I wasn't a good student. I loathed hard work of any sort. I was flighty. Prone to fits of passion and flitting off to whatever or whoever next I fancied, [he says, his free hand drifting off as if to follow this image of himself to wherever next he might wander.] I never seemed to care about much of anything either. Not anything anyone considered truly important, anyway.
Now, I don't mind it so much. Partially because some of that is true and I don't much care to have anything asked of me that would require too much effort, [he says with a teasing grin as he lightly swings their hand together. It's not exactly a secret with how often Jaskier's managed to avoid the majority of housework in the time they've been together, so he hardly has any qualms about admitting it to Tech even if he would otherwise begin squawking with offense at the accusation.] But I don't know. I suppose part of it is... Well, people are so much easier to be themselves when they believe they've worked the other person out.
[And all the better if they think Jaskier frivolous or careless in some capacity. Then it's all the more reason for them to not maintain whatever walls or defenses they might otherwise, and Jaskier is able to do whatever it is he needs or wants to do from there. Be it to provide them with what they truly need or draw inspiration or even simply to survive.]
[He wrinkles his nose.]
Gods, you've got me waxing nostalgic about my youth. Must you age me so? You could have waited at least another hour!
[ Tech pulls his gaze from the path and glances over at Jaskier as he speaks. Hadn't this been one of the things Tech missed? Jaskier getting to speak of his past and the way he's grown from it (and the ways he's stayed the same). These deep, introspective conversations that Jaskier didn't necessarily keep from Tech so much as Tech simply didn't ask as often as he should have. But he enjoyed them when he got them -- on nights when Jaskier would reminisce about his family or tell him some similar story that happened in his own life compared to one of the movies they watched. This was Jaskier with half, hopefully less than half, of his life lived. This was Jaskier with an eternal youth but also a deep maturity.
So if this was one of the things Tech deeply wanted -- if this was the Jaskier who was 'on his level,' why does this nostalgia inspire a deep ache in his chest? He supposes it's because it reminds him of the things he doesn't like to think about. Just how short his time will always be with Jaskier. How truly mortal he is. Maybe not in hell where they can die and revive. Maybe not even in Folkmore where the same mechanics apply so long as Thirteen willed it. But even if he started over with Jaskier at eighteen years old, Tech realizes it will never be enough time for him. Blink and forty years have passed. It will have only ever been brief and fleeting. Brilliant like a star streaking across the sky, but gone in an instant.
His eyes return to the path and the hand not holding Jaskier's twists the ring on his finger, thumbing the band. ]
Anyone who thinks they have you fully figured out is a fool.
[ Even Tech had become complacent in his knowledge of Jaskier -- of the composite sketch he'd created in his mind. An image that got torn to shreds when he met his younger self. Oh, there are many bits of Jaskier that are what you see is what you get, but there's a depth beyond it. Maybe even a depth beyond Jaskier's own understanding. Because as he walks forward in his place with Geralt and Yennefer, it always seems he's had to be what other people needed -- and not what he, himself, needed. Would Jaskier even be able to define who Jaskier was without putting those he loved before himself?
Tech shakes his head quietly and then takes a detour from the direction of the house, pulling Jaskier off the familiar path -- through the haunting trees and foliage Mammon had planted. He doesn't bother to explain himself, merely continuing the conversation they were having. ]
Every day I spend with you is getting a piece of a puzzle. Sometimes it slots immediately into place, but sometimes it takes me an obscenely long amount of time to finally figure it out. Which most of the time is me being a complete fucking moron. But sometimes it's because I needed a different context.
[ Time with Jaskier's younger self, perhaps.
At the end of this new path, they find themselves deep in the gardens. Things in hell reflect its state of disarray. What had once been green and vibrant was now mostly brown and decayed. Flowers are withered, unsightly weeds grow with wicked thorns protruding from their stems, and there's a general musty stench in the air. But although the bench has acquired rust, the spot where Jaskier and Tech had their very first intimate encounter remains in tact. And behind that bench, Tech beckons Jaskier to have a look -- sweeping aside dried brush with a hand to reveal a single, beautiful buttercup. ]
Even in the most impossible soil and terrain, a Jaskier can blossom.
[When Tech has them deviate, Jaskier stays with him and doesn't try to impede their progress towards the gardens of the park despite the glance back toward the path home. He rolls his eyes a little as Tech claims to be a complete fucking moron, but doesn't argue against the assertion because he knows ultimately what Tech means: he's brilliant, but he's often a fool who misses the obvious details that would bring it all together for himself. As Tech moves ahead to clear the dried brush aside, Jaskier uses the moment to continue assessing just how much of the park had dried and shriveled. Not that some of the plants didn't have a bit of a grotesque nature about them, but the greenery had been a nice change of pace compared to most parts of Hell. It was a shame to see the park in such shambles and nothing more than another reflection of death and decay.]
[Jaskier's attention is drawn from their surroundings when Tech calls for it on the small bloom at their feet.]
My, I must have really left an impression on you after all. I've got you speaking in metaphors now. [It's a light tease, and one that could easily be taken for a deflection of Tech's sentiment. It wouldn't be all that uncharacteristic for him to do as much. Those more abstract compliments are rarely ever ones that Jaskier allows to settle and stand without protest because they never feel as though they suit him. He's the storyteller, after all. Not the hero. But he doesn't brush it aside so easily now. Jaskier gently pulls Tech closer to him again to rest his forehead against his.] It's nice hearing you talk like this again, my darling...
[It feels as though it had been so long since Tech had even a hint of hope in his voice again. After Ava left... Well, it had been understandable so much of his faith in any semblance of a future being built because of their ability to defy the odds had been shaken, but it had hurt. It had hurt so much to feel Tech fading and drifting from him, and feeling so helpless to stop any of it. But now? Now, Tech is here and he's as vibrant as the buttercup pushing back against the decay of the land. He's not giving into wallowing in grief or allowing his hope to abandon him in this place.]
I was... I was scared you had given up. On this dream of ours. [There's a small pause before he ventures and pushes himself a little further to say,] On me.
[ Tech returns the embrace, bringing arms around Jaskier and closing his eyes, forehead to forehead. Had he ever given up on their dream? He might have in a way. Skepticism took root after Ava's departure. It reminded him of the narrative there were no happy endings -- not in his life and especially not in hell. But Jaskier's hope lit a candle in Tech and although the flame would almost go out, it would never entirely extinguish. Not when it came to Jaskier.
Tech doesn't answer immediately with words. His lips capture Jaskier's and he tastes him in a brief but meaningful kiss. And then, Tech adamantly shakes his head. ]
Never.
[ For as much as pessimism could rule his life and would still creep in, Jaskier had become Tech's purpose. Finding him again and again, loving him over and over, returning his lute to him, and spending as much time as time would allow with the human before him. That was what Tech wanted to live for -- to live beyond the years that would be allotted to him in his world, the time when he would die and be what the world needed from him next. Tech wanted to go out with his greatest achievement being this love he and Jaskier shared. ]
Even when I went, I wasn't gone.
[ His hand finds its way to Jaskier's heart, resting there tenderly. His words could take on multiple meanings. When he retreated into himself and let an older era in the forefront or when he followed the fox and left Jaskier behind. No matter which one it was, his heart remained with this Jaskier.
And that would become Tech's one issue to overcome. The Orpheus and Eurydice problem of looking back and missing what was right in front of him all along. It happened with Jaskier's younger self and it would happen again when Jaskier was sent home by Thirteen to age ten years. And then, he would be gone...and Tech will have felt he doomed himself to the hell of living alone because he just kept looking to what he had and not seeing what he has.
But at least now, right here...he's with this Jaskier. ]
I will always come home.
[ He presses his hand a little harder against Jaskier's chest and he tips his head up to kiss him again. This one longer, lingering, and highly likely to segue into lovemaking unless Jaskier had reason to interrupt. ]
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But by that same logic, they shouldn't have even had a second chance. So this is something to be celebrated, isn't it? Rejoicing in the fact that they were somehow allotted more time. That's how Jaskier would view it. But Tech can't help but hear the pain in Jaskier's voice, that quivering fear of loss. Guilt forms an icy pit in the center of his stomach.
He didn't leave Jaskier intentionally. The fox showing up was disorienting and before he knew it, when he looked back -- his bed and Jaskier could no longer be seen. You'll go back for him, right? He'd somehow managed to ask Thirteen, a quiet plea. Thirteen never answered. Not directly. But she gave him a sly little smile which felt like answer enough. In a place of possibilities and potential, Tech thought he and Jaskier were going to get to take this wonderful thing they built and allow it to blossom in a better place than hell.
But in the end, Tech left Jaskier. He left him here and he left him there. An unshakable weight comes with that. Returning to this version of Jaskier was everything Tech had wanted, and yet in the back of his mind, he wonders how the younger version would react to the loss. Would he be, not just sad, but devastated as well? Tech gets the sense this Jaskier had been left in a state of devastation -- the way he confesses his fear like a quiet prayer. A younger Jaskier doesn't need Tech the same way. He's less broken and less plagued by the haunting echoes of torture, but even so... loss can be gutting.
It would be far too easy to wallow in the pessimism of his thoughts. He's inclined toward it, after all. Tech's always been a glass half-empty sorta guy. But Jaskier needs him to not be that guy. He needs Tech to be what he learned to be around his younger version. Stronger, steadier, considerate of his feelings, and starting to believe in the endless possibilities of them and their love. Soul mates. Perfect compliments. His hand draws away from Jaskier's back so the knuckles of his fingers could skim the curve of Jaskier's cheek, palm finding its home on Jaskier's face as a mirror of the touch Jaskier's bestowing on Tech. ]
I was scared too for the same reasons, but...maybe it'll be a comfort if I tell you we find a way. In an entirely new world, we found a way. It wasn't easy to have to start over, to have you forget who I am and to be the only one to hold all of our history together. It was painful and lonely and not a day went by when I didn't want to find this again.
[ He steps closer, even though they are already so very close, his free hand placing itself against Jaskier's heart. God, how wonderful it is to place his palm there and know Jaskier knows the meaning. ]
I never intended to leave you. I'm so sorry for leaving you. Even if it wasn't my intention, it still doesn't change that I was gone and you had to carry on without me.
[ His breath catches on and he swallows the sob that wants to escape again, the quiver of another breakdown on the horizon. Tech licks his lips and keeps his eyes away from meeting Jaskier's -- afraid if he looks deep into his eyes, he'll see a resentment or an anger. ]
No. The truth is I was gone even before I left, wasn't I? I'm sorry, Jaskier. I'm so, so sorry.
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[Honestly, Jaskier doesn't know whether to be envious of his other self or pity him.]
[But Jaskier hears that catch in Tech's breath and it pulls him from his thoughts, from his private little reverie at the steady thrumming of Tech's heart beneath his hand with every rise and fall of Tech's breath. Shaking his head, Jaskier lifts his forehead from Tech's.]
No, no, my darling. Now's not the time for apologies. Or all this sorrow. [Jaskier's hand leaves the spot above Tech's heart and presses upon Tech's above his own.] We're together again.
[Tech's assumption about how Jaskier would see things isn't that far off the mark. They lost time together and, just as Tech said, not only when they were worlds apart. Grief over Ava hanged over them like a dark cloud, coloring everything and having Tech withdraw so far into himself that the fractures Mammon started finally seemed to come to fruition for a time. And they were separated. Not just separated, but thoroughly aware of that separation. There was plenty to mourn and grieve and regret. But while Jaskier never makes a case for ignoring the ugly realities of the world and life, he certainly doesn't believe all that strongly in dwelling upon them.]
[He presses a gentle, chaste kiss to Tech's lips again, running fingers through his hair.]
We're together and we have a chance. To do this better.
[No more hiding away. No more leaving things up to Destiny or chance. As far as Jaskier is concerned, they have a present and more importantly, they have a future. A future that's worth fighting for, finding ways to shape instead of leaving it all up to dreams.]
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There's truth to what you're saying, songbird. But...
[ He trails off. It feels wrong in a way. The thing that made this relationship easier was Jaskier swallowing down his own feelings, acquiescing and taking the hurt on his own shoulders -- choosing to bury it deep because that's how he had to be to make the relationships around him work. And he would rather suffer his hurts alone than burden his partners or his Geralt with them.
But Tech had experienced first hand what it was like when Jaskier spoke his mind -- when there was a storm inside of him that wasn't afraid to call someone out. At first, Tech didn't like it. Who would like being told they were being cruel or that they put their foot in their mouth? But then, Tech grew to value it. The spark. For as difficult as it had been to navigate, it also made him more considerate of how his actions and words would affect Jaskier. And it made him reflect on this relationship as well, how he could do better if given half the chance.
His gaze finds Jaskier's again and brows knit together. His hand turns within Jaskier's to lace fingers together, squeezing with a quiet resolve. ]
Now is the time for apologies because you deserve them. For everything you give, you deserve so much more in return. Fuck, Jas. You keep the peace because that's what you're expected to do. You give two hundred percent of yourself into relationships and you convince yourself that's okay. Because it's better, isn't it? It's better than being alone.
[ Tech shakes his head softly, his hands moving to clutch at Jaskier's cheeks. ]
I'll be the first to say I'm far from perfect. But I don't want you taking on my share of the relationship. This time I swear to you, Jules, that I will do right by you. And if I fuck up...I want you to call me out on it. Because...this is home. This is the place where you should feel the safest. This is the place where it's totally okay to walk around in the nude...
[ A pause. Then a faint smirk for levity's sake -- because that was the original shape of their relationship. Bearing their hearts and adding a joke. ]
...both figuratively nude and literally, of course.
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[When Tech releases Jaskier's hand, it slips and falls uselessly down at his side where his thumb seeks the sensation against the pads of his fingers in slow circles.]
[The nightmares plagued him. Robbed him of sleep while he starved and watched the people he loves waste from a disease that couldn't be slowed, and listened helplessly as a different sort of rot took hold of Tech. Tech had barely returned before grief wedged itself between them as Tech became so preoccupied with loss that he stopped being with Jaskier and threw himself so deep within the past where perhaps he thought there might be no hurt. And then he was gone. He was well and truly gone. And all Jaskier had aside from a bottle to drown himself with was quiet confessions in the dark with Yennefer to ease the tattering of his heart.]
[He didn't resent Tech for any of it. He wasn't angry. He wasn't disappointed or even altogether that upset. But it had hurt. It hurt to have been pushed aside whether by an impulsive thought of heroics or that instinctive will to self-preserve from a potential future heartbreak.]
[Jaskier swallows thickly, dropping his gaze before lifting it and diverting it somewhere other than on Tech even though he suspects it's too late. There isn't even a remote possibility that this close together that Tech could have possibly missed all the old hurts and wounds in Jaskier's eyes. He never seems to though. He never misses the things Jaskier doesn't say quite so loudly. He's never truly distracted by Jaskier's theatrics or flamboyant presentation. He always manages in the end, to coax the truth of Jaskier's thoughts and feelings out of him even when Jaskier doesn't want to part with it. Perhaps even most often when he doesn't because he's far too scared of the consequences. But even knowing how well Tech tends to hear him, how much better he seems to know and understand than even people who have known him for years... It's still a vulnerability Jaskier's never quite prepared for.]
[His hand raises again to clasp one of Tech's against his cheek, allowing Jaskier to turn his head to press his trace of a smile into the heel of Tech's hand at his joke.]
Well, [he says, turning his head again to look at Tech. There's a small sniffle.] Since you brought it up, I have to say there's a very distinct lack of making love to me happening right now. Which I think really ought to be rectified in the next ten to fifteen minutes, or I'm afraid we are well and truly doomed.
[Jaskier's faint grin fades though as he glances down again. He's near about to say something, but stops short and opts instead for another kiss.]
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So Tech offers only a quiet smile, reassuring that it's okay if he doesn't say anything right now. It's okay if he chooses to never say anything -- to let the past be the past. But Tech still wanted to offer the apology to acknowledge how he wronged him and his intention to be a better partner in the future. He returns the kiss with this in his heart -- a silent vow to be the sort of lover Jaskier deserved this time around. The kiss lingers, loving and heated, and after a time it's Tech who parts, licking his lips and leaning his forehead to Jaskier's. ]
So demanding. Maybe I still had things I wanted to talk about. Like your doublets. Awful. So glad you changed up the style. I will never criticize your many layers ever again.
[ He flashes him a smile. At some point he would tell Jaskier all about his thoughts about him as an eighteen year old. He'd tell him the things he admired and the ways Tech fucked up in that relationship. He'd tell him the things he's glad had changed and the things he's glad had stayed the same. But at least with this little tease, Jaskier's bound to know that Tech had found a younger version of himself. And maybe he could begin to understand why it was Tech yearned to find this Jaskier again.
For now, he takes Jaskier's hand to give him a playful spin before his arm settles around his shoulders. The tears had been shed. The sincerity had been shared. And now what's left on the list of things to do after a long-awaited reunion is the lovemaking. Tech imagines that will be the longest part, likely taking up most of the night into early morning. There are many months to make up for, after all. ]
C'mon, lovebird. Let's go home.
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[Of course, this tender moment is almost immediately followed by a scoff of disbelief and offense as Tech opts to criticize Jaskier's sartorial choices of yore coupled with the dawning horror and realization that if Jaskier was wearing doublets, that meant... Oh gods, how young was he in this other world of Tech's!? Truly the karma for all the times he teased and poked fun at Tech's inability to understand the nuances of texting and emojis when he was a younger version of himself is coming home to roost, but! It still was immediately and completely unfair.]
[Still, Jaskier allows himself to be spun about and nestles in close, wrapping an arm around Tech's middle.]
Lovebird? That's a new one. [There's a small beat before Jaskier uses his free hand to playfully grab at and shake Tech's face.] At least it had best be a new one. I find out you're trying to seduce me with tricks you've already used on me, I'm going to be extremely cross with you for the lack of originality.
[Not for thinking about a younger Jaskier because Jaskier frankly couldn't care less if Tech thinks about all the times he managed to convince Jaskier to shed his doublets. He is, at the end of the day, fantasizing about Jaskier after all. And why wouldn't he? It'd be a little insulting if Tech didn't, if Jaskier were completely honest. But reusing lines and names that he knows with certainty will already work is absolutely a sin and Jaskier will not hesitate to give him endless grief for it.]
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It's new, babe. Don't worry. I couldn't call you the same sort of nicknames there. Or more...I wouldn't let myself. You were my song sparrow or Jask or Julian. Julian tended to be the default, actually. It felt right to call you that during our more serious conversations...
[ He shoulders open the hotel doors and then starts on the path toward Hellburbia, looking up at the horrendous red sky. Fuck. How wonderful it would be to be able to live somewhere with this Jaskier and see a normal sky or normal stars? How special would it be to watch a sunrise together?
Eyes drift to his side to take in Jaskier's profile and then he looks off again, tongue tracing lips before he makes a quiet confession: ]
I'd like to hope you weren't just latching onto it with the excitement of youth, though, when I called you my soulmate. We found each other in a world between worlds. Then we found each other in a different world. Finding you again like this should have been impossible. A one in a billion chance. Yet...somehow here we are. If that's not soulmates, I don't fucking know what is...
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[He tips his head slightly to have a better look at Tech as he makes his quiet confession. A soft smile blossoms on Jaskier's face and he turns his attention back to the path ahead as he idly plays with Tech's fingers in his hand.]
Well, I'd be lying if I didn't say the excitement of youth probably played a part in it, [he says with a small laugh.] What's more romantic and grander than the notion of being destined to be the beloved bard of a god, hm? And across worlds and lifetimes no less.
[Jaskier turns his head again to press a kiss to Tech's cheek, his hand falling away from Tech's to hold his opposite cheek at the same time. An even gentler touch compared to the playful roughhousing a moment ago.]
But I'd also say despite all the foolishness of my youth, I still possessed a bit of sense. [Jaskier doesn't think he could truly fathom the depth of foolishness he'd have to possess in order to miss what is so plainly there in front of him. Even if he possessed less sense than he does now or if he was a bit more insecure, Jaskier doesn't think he could look at the sum of this and conclude anything different. Not when he'd already reached a similar conclusion months ago.] It wasn't just the heat of the moment that made me say it before, you know.
[Jaskier stops them just briefly so that he can turn Tech's gaze his way and meet his eyes.]
I was born to love you, Tech.
[Perhaps not in the same ways every time. Jaskier couldn't rightly say how much Tech's relationship with Jaskier in that other world reflected or differed from their love here and now, but as Jaskier said from the very beginning, love can take so many shapes and forms. Their love is likely no exception to that simply because they are the ones who shape it, and no amount of external influence could ever truly change that. What they are is by their choice. But Jaskier cannot imagine a scenario in which he wouldn't come to love Tech. No matter how long it took or what obstacles stood in the way, he would always love him.]
You're my Destiny.
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And then it hits Tech -- a well of emotion as he realizes Jaskier was alone. Jaskier was completely and utterly alone for however long. There was no second Technical Boy to help him process. He had to face loss and then with that grief in his heart, he vanished. Back home? Somewhere else? Wherever sinners went between here and there. He didn't have to carry the grief with him, but that he was alone for any amount of time is heartwrenching.
Tech's arm draws away from Jaskier's shoulders so he can throw himself forward -- practically barreling against him in a tight embrace. Somehow he manages to not sob, though not without a little hiccup of a whimper -- forehead burrowing against Jaskier's shoulder. Fingers clutch the back of his jacket and he takes a moment here to let the world fade away -- to let it just simply be them alone on this makeshift trail. And he holds Jaskier in a way that's every bit taking comfort as it is offering it -- a way to say I'm here. I'm real. You don't have to face things alone. ]
Heh...
[ When he finally finds his voice, the laugh is fragile -- as though at any moment it could break into a wail. ]
When you say things like that, I almost believe nothing's impossible for us...
[ Tech lifts his head from it's place, bringing his palms to Jaskier's cheeks so he can kiss him once again -- soft, tender and languid. Palms fall to Jaskier's chest, one resting at his heart while the other finds a space a few inches apart beside it. They make their own destiny. They are each others destiny.
The kiss comes to a lazy end and for a few seconds Tech merely shares a breath with Jaskier. ]
It's a dangerous thing you do, Jaskier the bard...giving someone like me something to hope for.
[ Jaskier came into Tech's life and batted away the nihilism, replacing it with something far greater. A burgeoning hope. This hope has simultaneously been the most wonderful thing in the world and the most painful. Even now, in the height of victory with this reunion, Tech fears what may come in the future. Will they lose one another again as they escape hell and find Jaskier cannot carry his memories with him? Or will they be doomed to have this incredible love in a place of eternal suffering? The best thing Tech could do for Jaskier would be to set him free -- to help him return to his world where he's no longer caged by limited places to explore and a red sky, a world where he's put down his roots. But the price of freeing him is loss. Still.
A bird is meant to fly free, no matter how nice a cage may seem for a time... ]
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[Jaskier smiles into the kiss when Tech brings their lips together because as far as he's concerned, impossible truly doesn't exist. If they've a will for something, they will find their way to it eventually. It might not be without its hardships or challenges, but they will find their way eventually. Jaskier's hand slips from Tech's hair to rest on the hand over his heart. As the kiss fades away, he presses upon that hand, a simple, wordless expression of his want to give the man he loves everything.]
It's a risk worth taking, [he murmurs quietly in return. Jaskier's lips find Tech's again in a chaster, more simple kiss in response to a fluttering need for more affection to be given. Releasing Tech's hand, he wraps his arms around Tech's neck.] No matter what happens, you will always have been worth the risk.
[A hand cups Tech's cheek, but Jaskier doesn't kiss him even as his thumb strokes along Tech's cheekbone. Jaskier merely looks at him and in Jaskier's eyes is everything. His heartache and longing. His love and adoration. His anxieties and worries. His passion and worship. He hides nothing from Tech in his gaze with this shared breath of theirs. It's all that he is and all that he has to offer, but it's Tech's. For as long as Tech wants it, it's his.]
[When he kisses Tech again, it's a sweet and delicate thing. Not uncertain, but delicate and gentle. Their lips barely part from one another at all, perhaps leaving it a touch ambiguous if the kiss even came to an end, when Jaskier says,]
Take me home, darling. Please.
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But Jaskier looks at Tech with the whole of his heart and kisses away the quiet worries and doubts as though he knows they need to be kissed away. How can Tech protest Jaskier's suggestion? Home as in their house and home as in each other. There's a special brand of home when their bodies are entangled in passion as well, a feeling of being complete when they're one for as long as it lasts. Jaskier likely means all three of those things, and so Tech simply nods and slides his hand within Jaskier's to quietly start them on the path again. ]
I wrote to you while I was away. I had a journal -- an actual, physical fucking journal. Would you believe that? But every day I'd write you letters. Every day I'd write it all with the hope one day you'd get to read it or we'd be reunited against all odds and I could give it to you. Now I'm here. And the journal is there.
[ In all of his relief to see this version of Jaskier again, he hadn't really allowed himself to think of what would happen to that Jaskier. There's a pain in his chest when he thinks of that Jaskier potentially finding the journal -- reading words that weren't meant for him and being hurt by them. Tech had been honest, sometimes blunt -- especially in the beginning. Sometimes he questioned his own motives, wondering if he was only drawn to Jaskier's younger version because it was all he had. Those feelings changed over time. Sometimes Tech documented those changes, but most times it was obvious in the unspoken -- in the shorter entries where Tech wouldn't say much of anything more than a detailed list of what he did that day or the way he stopped punctuating how much he missed this Jaskier.
Even so, he worries. He worries that he will be the one to shatter that Jaskier's heart. His disappearance will be hard enough without dealing a finishing strike with the journal. Brows knit together and he toys with the ring on his finger. ]
I hope you don't find it there...
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[He lifts his gaze, offering Tech a faint smile.]
Having once been myself at a younger age and my persistent inability to let well enough alone back then... [he says as though the same were not still true of him even now despite the fact it very much is, just in a different form at times.] I will likely find it eventually. And I'll probably be nosy enough to read it.
But, darling, don't underestimate my ability to understand. [He gives another squeeze to Tech's hand.] I was as much a poet back then as I am now.
[Which isn't Jaskier's way of commenting upon his ability to perspective take so much as it is he understands words better than most. So, even if there are things that Tech has written to Jaskier in this journal of his that lack context, that would leave a younger Jaskier who hadn't lived through this time with Tech a bit lost with some of the finer details, Jaskier is confident he'll understand. He'll realize what isn't being said, and know that whatever hurts he might find within those pages are things that Jaskier will have manifested for himself out of jealousy or insecurity. He'll know that what Tech has written will be nothing short of love with enough time.]
[Jaskier hums in light amusement, the sound not quite making it into a laugh as the corners of his lips lift into a wider smile.]
I always thought that was such a pain in the arse when I was younger. Being underestimated, I mean. People knew I wasn't a good student. I loathed hard work of any sort. I was flighty. Prone to fits of passion and flitting off to whatever or whoever next I fancied, [he says, his free hand drifting off as if to follow this image of himself to wherever next he might wander.] I never seemed to care about much of anything either. Not anything anyone considered truly important, anyway.
Now, I don't mind it so much. Partially because some of that is true and I don't much care to have anything asked of me that would require too much effort, [he says with a teasing grin as he lightly swings their hand together. It's not exactly a secret with how often Jaskier's managed to avoid the majority of housework in the time they've been together, so he hardly has any qualms about admitting it to Tech even if he would otherwise begin squawking with offense at the accusation.] But I don't know. I suppose part of it is... Well, people are so much easier to be themselves when they believe they've worked the other person out.
[And all the better if they think Jaskier frivolous or careless in some capacity. Then it's all the more reason for them to not maintain whatever walls or defenses they might otherwise, and Jaskier is able to do whatever it is he needs or wants to do from there. Be it to provide them with what they truly need or draw inspiration or even simply to survive.]
[He wrinkles his nose.]
Gods, you've got me waxing nostalgic about my youth. Must you age me so? You could have waited at least another hour!
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So if this was one of the things Tech deeply wanted -- if this was the Jaskier who was 'on his level,' why does this nostalgia inspire a deep ache in his chest? He supposes it's because it reminds him of the things he doesn't like to think about. Just how short his time will always be with Jaskier. How truly mortal he is. Maybe not in hell where they can die and revive. Maybe not even in Folkmore where the same mechanics apply so long as Thirteen willed it. But even if he started over with Jaskier at eighteen years old, Tech realizes it will never be enough time for him. Blink and forty years have passed. It will have only ever been brief and fleeting. Brilliant like a star streaking across the sky, but gone in an instant.
His eyes return to the path and the hand not holding Jaskier's twists the ring on his finger, thumbing the band. ]
Anyone who thinks they have you fully figured out is a fool.
[ Even Tech had become complacent in his knowledge of Jaskier -- of the composite sketch he'd created in his mind. An image that got torn to shreds when he met his younger self. Oh, there are many bits of Jaskier that are what you see is what you get, but there's a depth beyond it. Maybe even a depth beyond Jaskier's own understanding. Because as he walks forward in his place with Geralt and Yennefer, it always seems he's had to be what other people needed -- and not what he, himself, needed. Would Jaskier even be able to define who Jaskier was without putting those he loved before himself?
Tech shakes his head quietly and then takes a detour from the direction of the house, pulling Jaskier off the familiar path -- through the haunting trees and foliage Mammon had planted. He doesn't bother to explain himself, merely continuing the conversation they were having. ]
Every day I spend with you is getting a piece of a puzzle. Sometimes it slots immediately into place, but sometimes it takes me an obscenely long amount of time to finally figure it out. Which most of the time is me being a complete fucking moron. But sometimes it's because I needed a different context.
[ Time with Jaskier's younger self, perhaps.
At the end of this new path, they find themselves deep in the gardens. Things in hell reflect its state of disarray. What had once been green and vibrant was now mostly brown and decayed. Flowers are withered, unsightly weeds grow with wicked thorns protruding from their stems, and there's a general musty stench in the air. But although the bench has acquired rust, the spot where Jaskier and Tech had their very first intimate encounter remains in tact. And behind that bench, Tech beckons Jaskier to have a look -- sweeping aside dried brush with a hand to reveal a single, beautiful buttercup. ]
Even in the most impossible soil and terrain, a Jaskier can blossom.
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[Jaskier's attention is drawn from their surroundings when Tech calls for it on the small bloom at their feet.]
My, I must have really left an impression on you after all. I've got you speaking in metaphors now. [It's a light tease, and one that could easily be taken for a deflection of Tech's sentiment. It wouldn't be all that uncharacteristic for him to do as much. Those more abstract compliments are rarely ever ones that Jaskier allows to settle and stand without protest because they never feel as though they suit him. He's the storyteller, after all. Not the hero. But he doesn't brush it aside so easily now. Jaskier gently pulls Tech closer to him again to rest his forehead against his.] It's nice hearing you talk like this again, my darling...
[It feels as though it had been so long since Tech had even a hint of hope in his voice again. After Ava left... Well, it had been understandable so much of his faith in any semblance of a future being built because of their ability to defy the odds had been shaken, but it had hurt. It had hurt so much to feel Tech fading and drifting from him, and feeling so helpless to stop any of it. But now? Now, Tech is here and he's as vibrant as the buttercup pushing back against the decay of the land. He's not giving into wallowing in grief or allowing his hope to abandon him in this place.]
I was... I was scared you had given up. On this dream of ours. [There's a small pause before he ventures and pushes himself a little further to say,] On me.
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Tech doesn't answer immediately with words. His lips capture Jaskier's and he tastes him in a brief but meaningful kiss. And then, Tech adamantly shakes his head. ]
Never.
[ For as much as pessimism could rule his life and would still creep in, Jaskier had become Tech's purpose. Finding him again and again, loving him over and over, returning his lute to him, and spending as much time as time would allow with the human before him. That was what Tech wanted to live for -- to live beyond the years that would be allotted to him in his world, the time when he would die and be what the world needed from him next. Tech wanted to go out with his greatest achievement being this love he and Jaskier shared. ]
Even when I went, I wasn't gone.
[ His hand finds its way to Jaskier's heart, resting there tenderly. His words could take on multiple meanings. When he retreated into himself and let an older era in the forefront or when he followed the fox and left Jaskier behind. No matter which one it was, his heart remained with this Jaskier.
And that would become Tech's one issue to overcome. The Orpheus and Eurydice problem of looking back and missing what was right in front of him all along. It happened with Jaskier's younger self and it would happen again when Jaskier was sent home by Thirteen to age ten years. And then, he would be gone...and Tech will have felt he doomed himself to the hell of living alone because he just kept looking to what he had and not seeing what he has.
But at least now, right here...he's with this Jaskier. ]
I will always come home.
[ He presses his hand a little harder against Jaskier's chest and he tips his head up to kiss him again. This one longer, lingering, and highly likely to segue into lovemaking unless Jaskier had reason to interrupt. ]