[When Tech more or less throws his arms around Jaskier, the bard slightly adjusts his hold on Tech. The arm around his middle tightens around him while the hand at Tech's cheek slips into his hair instead. He doesn't fully understand the sudden need for this kind of closeness, but Jaskier's hardly one to reject it. Especially when the warmth of Tech against him is so at once familiar and soothing. The bard closes his eyes, turning his head to press a kiss into Tech's hair and breathe in his scent while he remains so close and buried in Jaskier's arms. He only opens them again, loosening his hold on Tech, when Jaskier feels him starting to stir again and seek out a little space again.]
[Jaskier smiles into the kiss when Tech brings their lips together because as far as he's concerned, impossible truly doesn't exist. If they've a will for something, they will find their way to it eventually. It might not be without its hardships or challenges, but they will find their way eventually. Jaskier's hand slips from Tech's hair to rest on the hand over his heart. As the kiss fades away, he presses upon that hand, a simple, wordless expression of his want to give the man he loves everything.]
It's a risk worth taking, [he murmurs quietly in return. Jaskier's lips find Tech's again in a chaster, more simple kiss in response to a fluttering need for more affection to be given. Releasing Tech's hand, he wraps his arms around Tech's neck.] No matter what happens, you will always have been worth the risk.
[A hand cups Tech's cheek, but Jaskier doesn't kiss him even as his thumb strokes along Tech's cheekbone. Jaskier merely looks at him and in Jaskier's eyes is everything. His heartache and longing. His love and adoration. His anxieties and worries. His passion and worship. He hides nothing from Tech in his gaze with this shared breath of theirs. It's all that he is and all that he has to offer, but it's Tech's. For as long as Tech wants it, it's his.]
[When he kisses Tech again, it's a sweet and delicate thing. Not uncertain, but delicate and gentle. Their lips barely part from one another at all, perhaps leaving it a touch ambiguous if the kiss even came to an end, when Jaskier says,]
[ He offers a small, watery smile at Jaskier's reassurance. He's not entirely sure he believes it. Tech has no doubts Jaskier means what he says, but from an objective point of view (if Tech even can be objective regarding his own relationship) were Jaskier to come out of this worse than he went in, it wouldn't have been worth the risk. If Tech hurt Jaskier, tore his heart to pieces...it wouldn't have been worth the risk. Jaskier could believe in love above all else, believe in Tech -- but he was also fragile. Tech's hurt him before in so many ways, some unintentional and some simply thoughtless. He genuinely doesn't know how Jaskier can affirm the risk would be worth it knowing this.
But Jaskier looks at Tech with the whole of his heart and kisses away the quiet worries and doubts as though he knows they need to be kissed away. How can Tech protest Jaskier's suggestion? Home as in their house and home as in each other. There's a special brand of home when their bodies are entangled in passion as well, a feeling of being complete when they're one for as long as it lasts. Jaskier likely means all three of those things, and so Tech simply nods and slides his hand within Jaskier's to quietly start them on the path again. ]
I wrote to you while I was away. I had a journal -- an actual, physical fucking journal. Would you believe that? But every day I'd write you letters. Every day I'd write it all with the hope one day you'd get to read it or we'd be reunited against all odds and I could give it to you. Now I'm here. And the journal is there.
[ In all of his relief to see this version of Jaskier again, he hadn't really allowed himself to think of what would happen to that Jaskier. There's a pain in his chest when he thinks of that Jaskier potentially finding the journal -- reading words that weren't meant for him and being hurt by them. Tech had been honest, sometimes blunt -- especially in the beginning. Sometimes he questioned his own motives, wondering if he was only drawn to Jaskier's younger version because it was all he had. Those feelings changed over time. Sometimes Tech documented those changes, but most times it was obvious in the unspoken -- in the shorter entries where Tech wouldn't say much of anything more than a detailed list of what he did that day or the way he stopped punctuating how much he missed this Jaskier.
Even so, he worries. He worries that he will be the one to shatter that Jaskier's heart. His disappearance will be hard enough without dealing a finishing strike with the journal. Brows knit together and he toys with the ring on his finger. ]
[There's a light squeeze to Tech's hand as they begin to walk the path home again. It's as much a gentle reassurance of the realness of this moment to the both of them as each of their embraces and kisses thus far has been albeit likely a touch more understated by comparison given it's a far less significant disruption to their walking together. Jaskier doesn't pay quite as much mind to where they're going and watches their feet more than anything, leaving the direction of where they're heading and avoiding any tripping hazards more or less entirely up to Tech. Jaskier's too lost in the sound of Tech's voice alone. He follows along Tech's cadence, the way his accent shifts and pulls at the vowels all the while not letting the words be entirely lost to him.]
[He lifts his gaze, offering Tech a faint smile.]
Having once been myself at a younger age and my persistent inability to let well enough alone back then... [he says as though the same were not still true of him even now despite the fact it very much is, just in a different form at times.] I will likely find it eventually. And I'll probably be nosy enough to read it.
But, darling, don't underestimate my ability to understand. [He gives another squeeze to Tech's hand.] I was as much a poet back then as I am now.
[Which isn't Jaskier's way of commenting upon his ability to perspective take so much as it is he understands words better than most. So, even if there are things that Tech has written to Jaskier in this journal of his that lack context, that would leave a younger Jaskier who hadn't lived through this time with Tech a bit lost with some of the finer details, Jaskier is confident he'll understand. He'll realize what isn't being said, and know that whatever hurts he might find within those pages are things that Jaskier will have manifested for himself out of jealousy or insecurity. He'll know that what Tech has written will be nothing short of love with enough time.]
[Jaskier hums in light amusement, the sound not quite making it into a laugh as the corners of his lips lift into a wider smile.]
I always thought that was such a pain in the arse when I was younger. Being underestimated, I mean. People knew I wasn't a good student. I loathed hard work of any sort. I was flighty. Prone to fits of passion and flitting off to whatever or whoever next I fancied, [he says, his free hand drifting off as if to follow this image of himself to wherever next he might wander.] I never seemed to care about much of anything either. Not anything anyone considered truly important, anyway.
Now, I don't mind it so much. Partially because some of that is true and I don't much care to have anything asked of me that would require too much effort, [he says with a teasing grin as he lightly swings their hand together. It's not exactly a secret with how often Jaskier's managed to avoid the majority of housework in the time they've been together, so he hardly has any qualms about admitting it to Tech even if he would otherwise begin squawking with offense at the accusation.] But I don't know. I suppose part of it is... Well, people are so much easier to be themselves when they believe they've worked the other person out.
[And all the better if they think Jaskier frivolous or careless in some capacity. Then it's all the more reason for them to not maintain whatever walls or defenses they might otherwise, and Jaskier is able to do whatever it is he needs or wants to do from there. Be it to provide them with what they truly need or draw inspiration or even simply to survive.]
[He wrinkles his nose.]
Gods, you've got me waxing nostalgic about my youth. Must you age me so? You could have waited at least another hour!
[ Tech pulls his gaze from the path and glances over at Jaskier as he speaks. Hadn't this been one of the things Tech missed? Jaskier getting to speak of his past and the way he's grown from it (and the ways he's stayed the same). These deep, introspective conversations that Jaskier didn't necessarily keep from Tech so much as Tech simply didn't ask as often as he should have. But he enjoyed them when he got them -- on nights when Jaskier would reminisce about his family or tell him some similar story that happened in his own life compared to one of the movies they watched. This was Jaskier with half, hopefully less than half, of his life lived. This was Jaskier with an eternal youth but also a deep maturity.
So if this was one of the things Tech deeply wanted -- if this was the Jaskier who was 'on his level,' why does this nostalgia inspire a deep ache in his chest? He supposes it's because it reminds him of the things he doesn't like to think about. Just how short his time will always be with Jaskier. How truly mortal he is. Maybe not in hell where they can die and revive. Maybe not even in Folkmore where the same mechanics apply so long as Thirteen willed it. But even if he started over with Jaskier at eighteen years old, Tech realizes it will never be enough time for him. Blink and forty years have passed. It will have only ever been brief and fleeting. Brilliant like a star streaking across the sky, but gone in an instant.
His eyes return to the path and the hand not holding Jaskier's twists the ring on his finger, thumbing the band. ]
Anyone who thinks they have you fully figured out is a fool.
[ Even Tech had become complacent in his knowledge of Jaskier -- of the composite sketch he'd created in his mind. An image that got torn to shreds when he met his younger self. Oh, there are many bits of Jaskier that are what you see is what you get, but there's a depth beyond it. Maybe even a depth beyond Jaskier's own understanding. Because as he walks forward in his place with Geralt and Yennefer, it always seems he's had to be what other people needed -- and not what he, himself, needed. Would Jaskier even be able to define who Jaskier was without putting those he loved before himself?
Tech shakes his head quietly and then takes a detour from the direction of the house, pulling Jaskier off the familiar path -- through the haunting trees and foliage Mammon had planted. He doesn't bother to explain himself, merely continuing the conversation they were having. ]
Every day I spend with you is getting a piece of a puzzle. Sometimes it slots immediately into place, but sometimes it takes me an obscenely long amount of time to finally figure it out. Which most of the time is me being a complete fucking moron. But sometimes it's because I needed a different context.
[ Time with Jaskier's younger self, perhaps.
At the end of this new path, they find themselves deep in the gardens. Things in hell reflect its state of disarray. What had once been green and vibrant was now mostly brown and decayed. Flowers are withered, unsightly weeds grow with wicked thorns protruding from their stems, and there's a general musty stench in the air. But although the bench has acquired rust, the spot where Jaskier and Tech had their very first intimate encounter remains in tact. And behind that bench, Tech beckons Jaskier to have a look -- sweeping aside dried brush with a hand to reveal a single, beautiful buttercup. ]
Even in the most impossible soil and terrain, a Jaskier can blossom.
[When Tech has them deviate, Jaskier stays with him and doesn't try to impede their progress towards the gardens of the park despite the glance back toward the path home. He rolls his eyes a little as Tech claims to be a complete fucking moron, but doesn't argue against the assertion because he knows ultimately what Tech means: he's brilliant, but he's often a fool who misses the obvious details that would bring it all together for himself. As Tech moves ahead to clear the dried brush aside, Jaskier uses the moment to continue assessing just how much of the park had dried and shriveled. Not that some of the plants didn't have a bit of a grotesque nature about them, but the greenery had been a nice change of pace compared to most parts of Hell. It was a shame to see the park in such shambles and nothing more than another reflection of death and decay.]
[Jaskier's attention is drawn from their surroundings when Tech calls for it on the small bloom at their feet.]
My, I must have really left an impression on you after all. I've got you speaking in metaphors now. [It's a light tease, and one that could easily be taken for a deflection of Tech's sentiment. It wouldn't be all that uncharacteristic for him to do as much. Those more abstract compliments are rarely ever ones that Jaskier allows to settle and stand without protest because they never feel as though they suit him. He's the storyteller, after all. Not the hero. But he doesn't brush it aside so easily now. Jaskier gently pulls Tech closer to him again to rest his forehead against his.] It's nice hearing you talk like this again, my darling...
[It feels as though it had been so long since Tech had even a hint of hope in his voice again. After Ava left... Well, it had been understandable so much of his faith in any semblance of a future being built because of their ability to defy the odds had been shaken, but it had hurt. It had hurt so much to feel Tech fading and drifting from him, and feeling so helpless to stop any of it. But now? Now, Tech is here and he's as vibrant as the buttercup pushing back against the decay of the land. He's not giving into wallowing in grief or allowing his hope to abandon him in this place.]
I was... I was scared you had given up. On this dream of ours. [There's a small pause before he ventures and pushes himself a little further to say,] On me.
[ Tech returns the embrace, bringing arms around Jaskier and closing his eyes, forehead to forehead. Had he ever given up on their dream? He might have in a way. Skepticism took root after Ava's departure. It reminded him of the narrative there were no happy endings -- not in his life and especially not in hell. But Jaskier's hope lit a candle in Tech and although the flame would almost go out, it would never entirely extinguish. Not when it came to Jaskier.
Tech doesn't answer immediately with words. His lips capture Jaskier's and he tastes him in a brief but meaningful kiss. And then, Tech adamantly shakes his head. ]
Never.
[ For as much as pessimism could rule his life and would still creep in, Jaskier had become Tech's purpose. Finding him again and again, loving him over and over, returning his lute to him, and spending as much time as time would allow with the human before him. That was what Tech wanted to live for -- to live beyond the years that would be allotted to him in his world, the time when he would die and be what the world needed from him next. Tech wanted to go out with his greatest achievement being this love he and Jaskier shared. ]
Even when I went, I wasn't gone.
[ His hand finds its way to Jaskier's heart, resting there tenderly. His words could take on multiple meanings. When he retreated into himself and let an older era in the forefront or when he followed the fox and left Jaskier behind. No matter which one it was, his heart remained with this Jaskier.
And that would become Tech's one issue to overcome. The Orpheus and Eurydice problem of looking back and missing what was right in front of him all along. It happened with Jaskier's younger self and it would happen again when Jaskier was sent home by Thirteen to age ten years. And then, he would be gone...and Tech will have felt he doomed himself to the hell of living alone because he just kept looking to what he had and not seeing what he has.
But at least now, right here...he's with this Jaskier. ]
I will always come home.
[ He presses his hand a little harder against Jaskier's chest and he tips his head up to kiss him again. This one longer, lingering, and highly likely to segue into lovemaking unless Jaskier had reason to interrupt. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Jaskier smiles into the kiss when Tech brings their lips together because as far as he's concerned, impossible truly doesn't exist. If they've a will for something, they will find their way to it eventually. It might not be without its hardships or challenges, but they will find their way eventually. Jaskier's hand slips from Tech's hair to rest on the hand over his heart. As the kiss fades away, he presses upon that hand, a simple, wordless expression of his want to give the man he loves everything.]
It's a risk worth taking, [he murmurs quietly in return. Jaskier's lips find Tech's again in a chaster, more simple kiss in response to a fluttering need for more affection to be given. Releasing Tech's hand, he wraps his arms around Tech's neck.] No matter what happens, you will always have been worth the risk.
[A hand cups Tech's cheek, but Jaskier doesn't kiss him even as his thumb strokes along Tech's cheekbone. Jaskier merely looks at him and in Jaskier's eyes is everything. His heartache and longing. His love and adoration. His anxieties and worries. His passion and worship. He hides nothing from Tech in his gaze with this shared breath of theirs. It's all that he is and all that he has to offer, but it's Tech's. For as long as Tech wants it, it's his.]
[When he kisses Tech again, it's a sweet and delicate thing. Not uncertain, but delicate and gentle. Their lips barely part from one another at all, perhaps leaving it a touch ambiguous if the kiss even came to an end, when Jaskier says,]
Take me home, darling. Please.
no subject
But Jaskier looks at Tech with the whole of his heart and kisses away the quiet worries and doubts as though he knows they need to be kissed away. How can Tech protest Jaskier's suggestion? Home as in their house and home as in each other. There's a special brand of home when their bodies are entangled in passion as well, a feeling of being complete when they're one for as long as it lasts. Jaskier likely means all three of those things, and so Tech simply nods and slides his hand within Jaskier's to quietly start them on the path again. ]
I wrote to you while I was away. I had a journal -- an actual, physical fucking journal. Would you believe that? But every day I'd write you letters. Every day I'd write it all with the hope one day you'd get to read it or we'd be reunited against all odds and I could give it to you. Now I'm here. And the journal is there.
[ In all of his relief to see this version of Jaskier again, he hadn't really allowed himself to think of what would happen to that Jaskier. There's a pain in his chest when he thinks of that Jaskier potentially finding the journal -- reading words that weren't meant for him and being hurt by them. Tech had been honest, sometimes blunt -- especially in the beginning. Sometimes he questioned his own motives, wondering if he was only drawn to Jaskier's younger version because it was all he had. Those feelings changed over time. Sometimes Tech documented those changes, but most times it was obvious in the unspoken -- in the shorter entries where Tech wouldn't say much of anything more than a detailed list of what he did that day or the way he stopped punctuating how much he missed this Jaskier.
Even so, he worries. He worries that he will be the one to shatter that Jaskier's heart. His disappearance will be hard enough without dealing a finishing strike with the journal. Brows knit together and he toys with the ring on his finger. ]
I hope you don't find it there...
no subject
[He lifts his gaze, offering Tech a faint smile.]
Having once been myself at a younger age and my persistent inability to let well enough alone back then... [he says as though the same were not still true of him even now despite the fact it very much is, just in a different form at times.] I will likely find it eventually. And I'll probably be nosy enough to read it.
But, darling, don't underestimate my ability to understand. [He gives another squeeze to Tech's hand.] I was as much a poet back then as I am now.
[Which isn't Jaskier's way of commenting upon his ability to perspective take so much as it is he understands words better than most. So, even if there are things that Tech has written to Jaskier in this journal of his that lack context, that would leave a younger Jaskier who hadn't lived through this time with Tech a bit lost with some of the finer details, Jaskier is confident he'll understand. He'll realize what isn't being said, and know that whatever hurts he might find within those pages are things that Jaskier will have manifested for himself out of jealousy or insecurity. He'll know that what Tech has written will be nothing short of love with enough time.]
[Jaskier hums in light amusement, the sound not quite making it into a laugh as the corners of his lips lift into a wider smile.]
I always thought that was such a pain in the arse when I was younger. Being underestimated, I mean. People knew I wasn't a good student. I loathed hard work of any sort. I was flighty. Prone to fits of passion and flitting off to whatever or whoever next I fancied, [he says, his free hand drifting off as if to follow this image of himself to wherever next he might wander.] I never seemed to care about much of anything either. Not anything anyone considered truly important, anyway.
Now, I don't mind it so much. Partially because some of that is true and I don't much care to have anything asked of me that would require too much effort, [he says with a teasing grin as he lightly swings their hand together. It's not exactly a secret with how often Jaskier's managed to avoid the majority of housework in the time they've been together, so he hardly has any qualms about admitting it to Tech even if he would otherwise begin squawking with offense at the accusation.] But I don't know. I suppose part of it is... Well, people are so much easier to be themselves when they believe they've worked the other person out.
[And all the better if they think Jaskier frivolous or careless in some capacity. Then it's all the more reason for them to not maintain whatever walls or defenses they might otherwise, and Jaskier is able to do whatever it is he needs or wants to do from there. Be it to provide them with what they truly need or draw inspiration or even simply to survive.]
[He wrinkles his nose.]
Gods, you've got me waxing nostalgic about my youth. Must you age me so? You could have waited at least another hour!
no subject
So if this was one of the things Tech deeply wanted -- if this was the Jaskier who was 'on his level,' why does this nostalgia inspire a deep ache in his chest? He supposes it's because it reminds him of the things he doesn't like to think about. Just how short his time will always be with Jaskier. How truly mortal he is. Maybe not in hell where they can die and revive. Maybe not even in Folkmore where the same mechanics apply so long as Thirteen willed it. But even if he started over with Jaskier at eighteen years old, Tech realizes it will never be enough time for him. Blink and forty years have passed. It will have only ever been brief and fleeting. Brilliant like a star streaking across the sky, but gone in an instant.
His eyes return to the path and the hand not holding Jaskier's twists the ring on his finger, thumbing the band. ]
Anyone who thinks they have you fully figured out is a fool.
[ Even Tech had become complacent in his knowledge of Jaskier -- of the composite sketch he'd created in his mind. An image that got torn to shreds when he met his younger self. Oh, there are many bits of Jaskier that are what you see is what you get, but there's a depth beyond it. Maybe even a depth beyond Jaskier's own understanding. Because as he walks forward in his place with Geralt and Yennefer, it always seems he's had to be what other people needed -- and not what he, himself, needed. Would Jaskier even be able to define who Jaskier was without putting those he loved before himself?
Tech shakes his head quietly and then takes a detour from the direction of the house, pulling Jaskier off the familiar path -- through the haunting trees and foliage Mammon had planted. He doesn't bother to explain himself, merely continuing the conversation they were having. ]
Every day I spend with you is getting a piece of a puzzle. Sometimes it slots immediately into place, but sometimes it takes me an obscenely long amount of time to finally figure it out. Which most of the time is me being a complete fucking moron. But sometimes it's because I needed a different context.
[ Time with Jaskier's younger self, perhaps.
At the end of this new path, they find themselves deep in the gardens. Things in hell reflect its state of disarray. What had once been green and vibrant was now mostly brown and decayed. Flowers are withered, unsightly weeds grow with wicked thorns protruding from their stems, and there's a general musty stench in the air. But although the bench has acquired rust, the spot where Jaskier and Tech had their very first intimate encounter remains in tact. And behind that bench, Tech beckons Jaskier to have a look -- sweeping aside dried brush with a hand to reveal a single, beautiful buttercup. ]
Even in the most impossible soil and terrain, a Jaskier can blossom.
no subject
[Jaskier's attention is drawn from their surroundings when Tech calls for it on the small bloom at their feet.]
My, I must have really left an impression on you after all. I've got you speaking in metaphors now. [It's a light tease, and one that could easily be taken for a deflection of Tech's sentiment. It wouldn't be all that uncharacteristic for him to do as much. Those more abstract compliments are rarely ever ones that Jaskier allows to settle and stand without protest because they never feel as though they suit him. He's the storyteller, after all. Not the hero. But he doesn't brush it aside so easily now. Jaskier gently pulls Tech closer to him again to rest his forehead against his.] It's nice hearing you talk like this again, my darling...
[It feels as though it had been so long since Tech had even a hint of hope in his voice again. After Ava left... Well, it had been understandable so much of his faith in any semblance of a future being built because of their ability to defy the odds had been shaken, but it had hurt. It had hurt so much to feel Tech fading and drifting from him, and feeling so helpless to stop any of it. But now? Now, Tech is here and he's as vibrant as the buttercup pushing back against the decay of the land. He's not giving into wallowing in grief or allowing his hope to abandon him in this place.]
I was... I was scared you had given up. On this dream of ours. [There's a small pause before he ventures and pushes himself a little further to say,] On me.
no subject
Tech doesn't answer immediately with words. His lips capture Jaskier's and he tastes him in a brief but meaningful kiss. And then, Tech adamantly shakes his head. ]
Never.
[ For as much as pessimism could rule his life and would still creep in, Jaskier had become Tech's purpose. Finding him again and again, loving him over and over, returning his lute to him, and spending as much time as time would allow with the human before him. That was what Tech wanted to live for -- to live beyond the years that would be allotted to him in his world, the time when he would die and be what the world needed from him next. Tech wanted to go out with his greatest achievement being this love he and Jaskier shared. ]
Even when I went, I wasn't gone.
[ His hand finds its way to Jaskier's heart, resting there tenderly. His words could take on multiple meanings. When he retreated into himself and let an older era in the forefront or when he followed the fox and left Jaskier behind. No matter which one it was, his heart remained with this Jaskier.
And that would become Tech's one issue to overcome. The Orpheus and Eurydice problem of looking back and missing what was right in front of him all along. It happened with Jaskier's younger self and it would happen again when Jaskier was sent home by Thirteen to age ten years. And then, he would be gone...and Tech will have felt he doomed himself to the hell of living alone because he just kept looking to what he had and not seeing what he has.
But at least now, right here...he's with this Jaskier. ]
I will always come home.
[ He presses his hand a little harder against Jaskier's chest and he tips his head up to kiss him again. This one longer, lingering, and highly likely to segue into lovemaking unless Jaskier had reason to interrupt. ]