[ His eyes flick toward their hands for a moment and he turns his beneath Jaskier's so it's palm up. Much easier to facilitate the entwining of their fingers. When Jaskier talks of the issue, no immediate solution comes to Tech's mind -- if only because the problem itself seems vague. He thought Jaskier might be a little more specific when he asked. Was it lack of inspiration? Was it the environment? Was it word choice or chord choice?
But no. All he gets is something's missing and Tech will probably be expected to parse out that problem himself. A true testament to how well he knows Jaskier now -- if he could sniff out the root of his problem in this particular song and come up with a solution for him to fix it. The pressure is on! A good kind of pressure. Like a pop quiz to test how much he's been paying attention! ]
It's going to be pretty hard for me to be critical of your work, you realize. So if I say it's perfect as it is, you can't get too upset. I'm just a god smitten by this stupid bard, yanno.
[ Tech bends his elbow to bring Jaskier's hand up and dips his head to press a kiss to his knuckles. And then he lets his hand go as something occurs to him. Tech leans in to inspect the lute with a purse of his lips. ]
Is everything fine with the lute itself? Lucifer promised it would be just as it was -- but maybe he lied. Demons lie. Fallen angels, too. Maybe the problem isn't your song at all but some enchantment that makes you dissatisfied with what you produce? Like....torture is part and parcel here. And that would be a fucking clever way to torture you...
[ But he better fucking not!! Because that would make Lucifer go from this guy he dislikes to public enemy number one. Even more hated than Mammon!! ]
[If he weren't certain that this surprise will surely please Tech, this is the point where Jaskier might start to feel a touch guilty for not being honest. Jaskier is already aware from their time at the hospital just how fiercely protective Tech is of him and what lengths he's willing to go to for Jaskier's sake. And so, even without being able to feel it directly any longer, Jaskier can tell that feeling has been stirred into wakefulness by the way he looks at Jaskier's lute and the line his lips press themselves into.]
No, no, [Jaskier says with a small laugh before offering Tech some reassurance.] I'd know right away if there was something wrong with my lute. She's in perfect condition. Besides, I've had quite a bit of lost time to make up for with her. I've been writing a number of songs with no issues. This is the only one.
[Taking his leg off Tech's, Jaskier sits up. Much as he would like to stay nestled up beside Tech, he can't very well give his best performance like that.]
Perhaps I ought to just play it for you, and then you'll see what I mean. But you have to promise to be as honest with me as you can and I promise I won't be upset with your opinion or thoughts either way. After all, even though I asked because I trust you, I know I am putting you in a rather unfair position asking you to help me with this. [He leans over and kisses the corner of Tech's mouth by way of a small, nonverbal apology. Just not about being put in an unfair position. Or, at least, not the one Tech is assuming. So, perhaps he does feel a little guilty for lying even if the end result should hopefully more than make up for his deception. Jaskier grins then, winking as he leans back into his own space.] Then again, this is your own fault for listening to me so well. Had you ever learned to tune me out, I might not value your opinion so much and would never have thought to bring this to you. Instead, because you seem to refuse to ever ignore me, you've made yourself the only person I can possibly turn to for help with this.
So, let that be a lesson to you for being so attentive and considerate, and possessing such wonderful taste! Perhaps you shall think twice about the potential consequences next time you give me your undivided attention. [There's a beat before Jaskier adds,] Barring today, of course. I'm going to need your attention today. You can consider it the time after.
[ His scrutiny of the lute stops the second Jaskier assures him everything is fine, meeting those words with a mild relief. There's a part of him that knows better than to trust the devil and he still anticipates some day the catch of his deal with Lucifer will make itself known. Maybe the lute will turn to ash in Jaskier's hands. Or maybe one of its strings will break and Lucifer will refuse to replace it, rendering the instrument only half playable. But for the time being, all is well. Tech's eyes linger on the lute a few seconds longer -- the glossed lacquer bouncing light off its surface and that light finds a place in Tech's heart. If he did nothing else right, at least he could reunite Jaskier with this friend he thought he lost.
His eyes lift as Jaskier shifts away, puts inches of space between them and Tech draws his legs up onto the couch cushion, crossing them beneath himself as he turns to face Jaskier fully. He exhales amusement, a soft huff of breath accompanied by a smile as he shakes his head and holds up his hands shamefully. When it comes to listening to Jaskier, giving him attention and consideration and never ignoring a single thing no matter how pesky it might have seemed? Well. Guilty as charged. ]
It blows my mind that anyone could ever ignore you. Doesn't seem like you give much of an option on that front.
[ Pay attention, pay attention, pay attention. A plea Tech has carried with him into basically every interaction he's ever had with anyone. Jaskier is much the same, only far more charming. Far more worthy of that attention. Because he's beautiful and thoughtful and brilliant. Naturally, his world took notice. Hell would be much the same. Whatever world Tech brought Jaskier's memories to would also be the same. There might be a million stars shining in the sky, but only one of them gives life to the earth. Only one of them is within the reach of the mountains. His fingers sneak out to tenderly brush a tendril of Jaskier's hair away from his eyes. ]
But you have my word, songbird. I will listen and give my honest feedback -- as blunt and brutally honest as the internet can be. I don't know if you can even prepare yourself for it.
[ Tech's hand draws back and swirls a figure eight in the air as he speaks. Then his elbow wedges into the cushion on the back of the couch, forearm draping across it and fingers flit toward him twice -- a gesture to signify he's ready to listen. ]
Let's hear it.
[ He says, calm and casual -- unaware and unsuspecting that any of what Jaskier's about to play will be coming directly for his heart. ]
[Jaskier nods when Tech motions for him to start playing, fingers gliding along the neck of his lute to their first position. He smiles to himself briefly at the way his heart flutters in that moment before he starts playing, giddiness and even a touch of nerves mingling with one another.]
[At the start, there's only the lute, but it's not the usual sort of playing that Jaskier does. While the way he normally plays could never be considered sloppy, the way Jaskier plays now is so closely controlled that it might be considered near-technically perfect, as though human hands were not the cause for the music with repetition of the same chords again and again. And yet as minimal as the variations are, it's not a cold sound devoid of any feeling. It's simply limited relative to what Jaskier often writes and remains so even when his voice joins the song.]
[It probably doesn't take Tech very long to piece together whose story Jaskier is telling when the central character appears to be a music box that ultimately wishes to make its own music. And it tries. Again and again through each verse, only to lose some part of itself in each repetition of the chorus by those it tries to play for expressing their disapproval by cruelly taking from the music box. And yet, even as Jaskier does not make any sort of mention of Tech's own wrongdoing in this narrative, he doesn't paint him as a victim either. Instead, there's plain, unashamed admiration instead in Jaskier's voice and as the song continues, Jaskier's playing on the lute appears to steadily evolve into something far more complex than when the song began. But the music box isn't destined for a dark fate. A spark of hope comes when finally someone wants to hear the song just as the music box was ready to give up and accept its fate. And this time during the chorus, instead of having parts taken, the music box is repaired. Given all that it would need to sing its song the way it wants to rather than the way someone else has decided it ought to. He wouldn't and couldn't, after all, forget Ava's part in all of this for Tech.]
[And that's where there's a change in the lyrics as the song and story begin to reach their denouement. The simpler chords return, but not as they were at the start. It's far more natural and playful. Instead of a music box, the pronouns seamlessly shift to provide a nameless he to the song. There's a sudden appearance of an I, too, and it's likely that both the look in Jaskier's eyes and the confessional sort of way he sings the last of the song who the narrator of this tale has been if it was ever in doubt. And oh, does he sing with love and hope and pride and every other wonderful feeling that finds its way into his chest every time he's around Tech as he lays out all the wonderful things that Tech has done and given. Not in terms of specific technological advances, of course, because he's not singing of a god of technology. He's singing of someone far grander than a god. Instead, he sings of his ingenuity. His kindness. His love. His hope. His belief in a brighter future. Stealing fire so that none need to be in the dark as he was. And, of course, his song that Jaskier claims so many don't even realize once belonged him because it's what every songbird so proudly sings as a testament to all his brilliance and generosity and strength.]
[Jaskier doesn't say anything at the song's end, letting the last notes of the lute hang in the air between him and Tech for a little while. His smile is soft as he looks at Tech in those quiet moments after with such immense love and warmth.]
Mm, I think I figured out what it was missing, [he says.] Can't very well go around sharing your song with everyone else if you haven't even had a chance to hear it first, can I?
[ When Jaskier begins the song, Tech opts to look away from him -- his gaze lingering on a loose thread poking up from the cushion between them. As much as he always loves watching Jaskier perform, he's resolved to approach this from a critical angle...to listen and offer critique. He can't do that if he gets lost in Jaskier's eyes, can he?
Tech pays mind to the chords, their stilted and technical progression, their repetition. Jaskier must be experimenting with a new technique and maybe that's where he's feeling the disconnect. And then his voice joins the accompaniment to begin his tale. A tale about...
A music box.
The words puncture his chest. He gasps as the blow takes his breath away. The expression on his face shifts from concentrated and thoughtful to stunned and astounded. His gaze doesn't meet Jaskier's still, now because it can't -- pinned down by the weight of his emotions. But he can hear the smile in Jaskier's voice, the picture clear in his mind of the tenderness behind Jaskier's gaze and sincerity of his body language. Fingers curl slowly into fists on his lap -- nails digging into palms to keep him grounded. Jaskier spins the story of his life, the pain of it unfolding like a withering rose but sung with so much beauty, so much love.
Tech swallows. His throat tightens. His lips rub together, caught between his teeth from the inside as he tries not to come apart like the music box. Blinking rapidly, his gaze flits to the furthest wall. How many lives did he live? How many times did he burn to nothing? How many times did he rise again, try again, thrive again only to burn out, fade to obscurity, become nothing again? Wash, rinse, repeat. A piece of him got left behind every time, the music box's melody became distorted as it lost the shimmer and glory of the days long ago when it was just enough to create its music or inventions. It forgot what it was supposed to be...
But...if I can convince even one person that the world is worth something, then I will have lived my life with meaning and purpose, Jaskier had once said. As the lyrics spill from his lips now, rich with vibrato, inflection and love -- a cog clicks into place and all of a sudden, it makes sense. Tech's only ever needed one person to see him for his life to mean something. And Jaskier does. Jaskier sees him so fucking clearly. Picture perfect. High definition. He sees even the flaws and loves him in spite of them. Maybe even because of them. This is all Tech had ever wanted in his life, and probably the lives he had forgotten as well -- to matter to someone.
A sound involuntarily escapes his throat. In the days apart, in the quiet moments, Jaskier thought of him too. He worked on this song. Tech's song. Their song. Tech isn't only someone Jaskier enjoys being around when they're in each others presence. He carries thoughts of him into his private life, maybe even talks about him to others. Tech had joked about this song, but never expected Jaskier to actually write it -- to very literally strum his pain with his fingers and sing his life with his words. But he did. Only instead of killing him softly, he infuses the end with hope. The music box becomes self-actualized, greater than it ever could have been alone. It's repaired and restored and whole, but not yet complete because it's still a work in progress and always will be. Growing, evolving, shaped by the one who helped repair it (Ava) and the one who told its tale (Jaskier).
Tech's vision blurs as the final chord rings out, lingering in his mind. He can't seem to get enough air, his breath shallow and shaky. And finally, only in the song's completion does he look at Jaskier again.
Failure, obsolete, decommission, delete -- these taunts from New Media had flitted along the walls of Xie's company building when Tech tried to flee and escape what was waiting at the bottom of those stairs. Death. Rebirth, too -- but primarily death because even when the upgrade ultimately failed and he reverted back to what he was before and what he is now, it was never the same person he had been prior. He didn't realize how much he'd internalized those words until now, until he's confronted with a love that a part of him tries to convince himself he doesn't deserve. You're nothing. You were nothing to World. You were nothing to THE world. You were nothing to Xie. What makes you think you can be something for Jaskier?
Tech meets Jaskier's eyes and sees all he's given and willing to give. It's all he's ever wanted. It's all he's ever yearned for in his current life and he suspects the lives he's lived that he's forgotten. To be loved by someone. To be enough for someone. To be someone's inspiration.
So now, in this moment -- Tech breaks before Jaskier once again. Not as violently as at the piano. This time it's muted, a whisper of a sob. His hands come up to cover his mouth as though he can hold it in. Tears fall. They spill rivers down the plains of his face. Tech scoots back, a hand coming up to signal he needs space for just a moment in case Jaskier was tempted to move in and embrace him. There's a certain kind of pain that comes from having ones world view shattered. He'd gotten so used to thinking of himself as only a disappointment or unworthy that it became his reality. But through his melody, Jaskier gave a new perspective. Tech's worth something. He's worthy of the world. But more than the world, he's worthy of this bard who took the time to write this song, perhaps the most incredible and powerful song Tech had ever heard.
It takes a minute or two for him to find his voice. His eyes close and squeeze shut to force the last of the tears to drop. ]
You fucking asshole, first of all.
[ He sniffles, offering a watery smile. And then he's quiet for a beat longer, expression pensive. ]
Do you mean this one, Jas? The stuff you sang, it's not just....you know, pretty bullshit, is it?
[ After all, Jaskier has been known to embellish certain details. There's a great deal of truth to the general story and symbolism for other parts where the truth would be too convoluted to sing, but the ending of the song -- that's an ending that has yet to be written, an ending that hinges a lot on what Jaskier believes could happen. Did he simply want to give the song a happy ending or is that what's genuinely in his heart -- what he genuinely thinks could become of the music box and the story it would leave behind?
His eyes glisten with new unshed tears as he slides closer, bridging the gap he put between them until their knees are touching and his hands fall into the space between them -- to either be held if Jaskier puts the lute aside or as a signal that it's okay to touch him now if he wants. ]
Because I'll be very, very, very upset if even one sentence is a lie.
[It is Jaskier's impulse when Tech withdraws to offer him comfort, and be that anchor for him as Jaskier is always so willing to be. But Tech signals for him to give him space, and so he settles where he's seated. And it's difficult, of course. To do nothing more than simply witness Tech crying. It causes Jaskier to vacillate between being concerned he perhaps overstepped, acting on what he thought he knew and presenting that as truth, and being certain that if he hadn't struck upon the truth so keenly, Tech likely wouldn't have had such a strong reaction. But he waits as patiently as he can, resting his wrists against the edge of his lute's body with only the occasional circle traced against his fingertips until Tech is ready. Once he is, Jaskier smiles at the toothless insult with a small, quiet release of breath he hadn't even realized he'd been holding onto as he waited.]
[Before Tech even moves closer to Jaskier, he's already looping himself out from the lute's strap to set it aside. He leans a little into Tech's space to set his lute carefully on the coffee table. But rather than leaving back into his own, he stays and refocuses his attention on Tech completely. Gently, he strokes at one of Tech's cheeks, touching him as though he were the most precious thing in all the world and Jaskier can scarcely believe he's real. Because to some extent, he almost can't. To have met someone like Tech in a place like this? To have not just his love, but his attention with so little fight against all the things that would pull it in another direction? It should be near impossible to have found such a right person at the right time like this, and yet... Jaskier found him and now has the luxury of marveling at how much Tech loves and cares for him.]
I could never lie about what I see in you, Tech. [Rather than kissing him, Jaskier moves back into his own space, nudging Tech to follow him back and drawing Tech at least partially into his lap with his arms around him.] Or what you mean to me.
[Even if the song made no mention of Tech's flaws and never highlighted his wrongdoings throughout his long life, Jaskier isn't ignorant of them. But neither does he have to pretend they're not there to see anything else beyond them. It's as simple as those things do not spoil or overshadow all that Jaskier sees in Tech. They don't diminish who and what Tech can be. And so, everything Jaskier sang was the truth in his heart. Jaskier runs his fingers through Tech's hair.]
And I don't want that to ever be in doubt or question.
[Even though he knows it's likely to be because he's caught on to how much Tech diminishes himself. Whether it's comparing himself to Geralt or believing what he's been taught by the people he's tried to trust in the past, he always assumes himself the least. But he hopes that this song can stand against all those doubts that creep into his mind alongside all the songs Jaskier will but hasn't yet written. Because there will certainly be more. Many, many more. Until all those doubts can be quieted for good.]
[ Jaskier's hand falls on his face and Tech leans into the touch, nuzzling with a clumsy kiss half on the edge of Jaskier's palm. His eyes close at Jaskier's soothing reassurance, his earnest words. If Tech looked into his heart to search for the answer, he would have found the truth before he even gave voice to the questions. Every word of that song came from Jaskier's belief -- in Tech as he is now, as he was before, and as he will be in the future. And Jaskier confirms it with his own assurances. It's not just pretty promises. This is true, so easily true -- no catch, no hurdles to overcome, no manipulation.
He follows Jaskier's urging and slides into Jaskier's lap, but falls more into his side -- tucking himself beneath Jaskier's armpit and shifting so his arms can encircle Jaskier's stomach. He draws himself closer, falling into silent acceptance. There's comfort in their closeness. It never seems to become overbearing or unwelcome. For a man who can be fairly delicate with his finery and his lack of fighting prowess, Jaskier's embraces are strong, fierce and protective. In Jaskier's arms, Tech feels the safest he's ever felt. ]
I've given so much to the world. Try to find a god who has done more for humanity in any pantheon here, in your world, in my world?
[ He shakes his head. ]
You can't. They'll try and spoon feed you that Jesus died for your sins and blahblahblah, that's the reason why so many can go to the opposite side of hell. That's how they unlock the path to heaven.
[ Tech points toward the ceiling to gesture at some unseen place above them, a place they're supposed to be working toward getting into. ]
But to get there, you gotta pledge your life to the dude to even be partly considered. It's never been freely given the way technology has. Worship is funneled less through the worth of Emmanuel, and more out of fear of winding up in this place.
[ His hand moves up to trace fondly along Jaskier's jawline, to gently direct his head toward him so he can lean his forehead to Jaskier's. Up to this point, while the words might make it seem like Tech is gloating, he states them as a simple fact. So many time periods can be defined by their technological advancements. And absolutely none of them required a rite of passage to get through. No one has to pledge allegiance to the technology god just to get basic electricity. Tech breathes Jaskier in, opening his eyes to look at him -- this close there's no where to hide from vulnerabilities. ]
My point is, I've given so much that at times there's nothing left of me. And this is the first time, the first fucking time, it's felt like someone has given back to me. Your song, it's not just a song. It's like --
[ His brows furrow and he struggles to find the right words. Tech shakes his head, embarrassed by his own inadequacies here. ]
Fuck, sorry. I'm not very good at this. I guess the word I wanna use is testimony? I've always been the invisible hand and....well, you know. We watched The Wizard of Oz, so you'll get the reference when I say you revealed the man behind the curtain. I don't know what others will think of it...
[ Shyness comes to him because for as much as he's always wanted just that small bit of acknowledgement...he's afraid as well. Afraid that people might listen to Jaskier's new song and find it dull, boring, not worth their time. Did the other gods ever feel this fear when their stories were about to be told by countless humans? ]
But I don't think I could ask for a greater narrator.
[ He leans in to kiss him, sweet but brief. His head settles onto Jaskier's shoulder afterward and he stares across the living room, so much racing through his mind. ]
I'm terrified, Jas. I'm terrified because the more I love you, the more I have to lose and the more you love me, the more you put a target on your back. Because there is someone from my world....if he ever walked through those hotel doors, he would not hesitate to ruin everything good so he can continue telling my story the way he wants it told.
[Jaskier can't help but smile a little. Some might consider it arrogance on Tech's part to lay out all that he's given to humanity like that, positioning himself above other deities as the superior since he never asks anything of humanity in return. Perhaps it is. But there's truth in it all the same. And maybe one could make the argument that comes from a tragic place, a lifetime of being told he ought to never ask because he'll never receive anything from anyone. But Jaskier doesn't think that's the case with Tech. Not deep down, anyway. It's natural selflessness, a want for the world to improve, for lives to be better. So, Tech deserves it. He deserves to be able to speak of all that he's given, how little his expectations have been in return, and he's allowed to think of himself better than others. With how often he doesn't... Gods, he should see his worth like this all the time. Jaskier can't help the small swell of pride he feels at his song connecting so deeply with Tech that he could see it for a change. When their foreheads come together, Jaskier keeps his eyes open, nuzzling for just a moment until Tech's eyes open again.]
[He doesn't answer Tech's question though about what others will think. Mostly because Jaskier can't honestly predict that. The reactions he gets to all his music is always varied. There's equal measure skepticism and ardent belief that always comes in the wake of his music. Then there are always those who fall somewhere in the middle, willing to believe insomuch it seems a nice escape, but never quite allowing themselves to fully believe. Still, regardless, Jaskier doesn't think it ultimately changes really the point of it, which matters far more than any reaction the song might stir. Because the heart he wanted to move, the one he wanted to feel stir with that renewed sense of self, that recognition of worth and goodness? He's already managed that. Even if minutes from now Tech doesn't hold onto it, he had it for a moment. That's something.]
[Jaskier returns the kiss Tech gives him, just as gentle and sweet, and rests his head on Tech's once it comes to rest on his shoulder. Fingertips trace slow designs and patterns between Tech's shoulder blades as he parts with his hidden anxiety. Tech's spoken about his world before, of course, but it's never been particularly detailed. Jaskier initially wasn't sure if it was because Tech thought Jaskier wouldn't understand enough and it would take too much to have to explain the minutia, or if he simply wanted to avoid thinking about it as much as possible. But with more time, Jaskier's suspected it was the latter and it was that juvenile thought that everyone was guilty of at some point or another that if one simply squeezed their eyes shut and refused to acknowledge something, it could never possibly reach out to them.]
That's not the first time I've heard something like that.
[Jaskier almost says a little more specifically where he's heard it from before, but he stops himself before the words can leave him. But he can still picture it clearly in his head. Geralt, mid-bath and still working out the grime and selkiemore out of his hair and on his skin, averting his gaze for just the briefest of seconds when Jaskier made the suggestion that someone could someday want him. The loneliness in Geralt had always been plain to Jaskier, but always out of assumption rather than anything Geralt ever said or did in their time together. But then, in that moment, it had never more apparent to Jaskier just how much the witcher's accepted solitude had been imposed upon him. Even after the walls came back up and Geralt declared he never wanted anyone to need him, and Jaskier knew. Gods, he knew before, but...]
[But not here. Not now. Not with Tech. Even if the point was there is some validity in that assumption that connection, that love creates vulnerabilities because that's how Geralt had survived for as long as he had, that's not the point that would be felt. And Jaskier won't do that. He won't have given Tech this feeling only to rob him off it by creating an opportunity for a comparison that should never be.]
[He kisses the top of Tech's head then, leaving the story behind to focus more on the point instead.]
It's not entirely wrong, I suppose. Loving anyone means there's always a chance someone could take advantage of a vulnerability. [Whether that's the person you've come to love or another. There's always that chance it could go poorly, ending in heartbreak and resentment.] But love isn't just a risk.
[Jaskier lifts his head then, one of his hands moving to Tech's face to turn his gaze from the living room back to him.]
I don't think it's far-fetched for you to worry that if he ever came here, he would stop at nothing to try and ruin everything and control you again. But, darling, he couldn't do that to you. Not now. Not ever again. Because love has made you so much stronger, braver, and more powerful than he could ever imagine you to be. That isn't for him to take.
[Even if it isn't by Tech's own power to stand up for himself, Jaskier knows without a doubt that the people who love him wouldn't allow for that repetition of history to happen. He crooks a light, teasing smile.]
Well, I should perhaps make an amendment to my earlier statement that he would try. If Ava doesn't string him up first, he would try. And also assuming Yennefer doesn't skin him alive after that before allowing Ava another go at him. [He hums thoughtfully.] You know, now that I'm thinking about it a bit more, I don't think he'd have the opportunity between the two of them alone.
[ His expression crumbles when Jaskier turns his head to face him, when he speaks those words and assurances -- fueled by such faith that Tech would be better. Tech would be stronger. Love has perhaps improved him, made him more thoughtful and considerate -- took him out of himself and allowed him to think about others. Love has helped to chase the unending loneliness away. But given him a strength? He doesn't know about that. Given him an army? He doesn't know about that either. Jaskier puts a lot of stock in Yennefer and Ava, but even their abilities wouldn't be enough. Because as far as gods go, Tech doesn't make a good representative. And if Jaskier is basing what he knows about gods on Tech, then he would have a horrible wake up call he ever had to stand up against one like World.
He shakes his head in violent protest and sits up suddenly. This isn't some kind of story. The good guys don't always win. The people who have something to fight for don't always win. Optimism can't chase away the truth. Where Mr. World is concerned, there is no happily ever after. ]
No. You don't understand. He always says love doesn't make the world go around. It's fear. And he controls that fear. He can get in your head, he can see everything. He can be anyone. He can destroy you from the inside before you even realize you're being destroyed. I thought I was seizing control of my own life, but I just played into his trap because he knows what moves you're going to make before you make them. And now, what awaits me back in my world is a very literal cage in a place no one knows about where he can siphon my power for all of eternity.
[ Tech's hand helplessly curls around Jaskier's shirt -- gripping with a quiet desperation for, what? He doesn't know. For Jaskier to stay, for Jaskier to listen to him, for Jaskier to maybe even find a solution....even though he knows it's not necessarily something he can solve. His brows furrow. ]
He told me he loved me. He told me I was like a son to him, that he cared for me most of all -- of all the other gods. And his words were everything I'd ever wanted to hear after doing horrible things for him or to impress him and letting him do horrible things to me. I know I should have known better. But I was so desperate to be loved that I bought his bullshit. And then he locked me up. He had the key to all of my forgotten memories, he let me touch it -- to have just a flash of a taste of who I've always been before he destroyed it right in front of me.
[ He bows his head. He thinks of Jaskier's song, of that real sort of love and it at least casts an anchor -- keeps him with Jaskier rather than floating away fully into his fear. ]
It's not very likely he'll show up. I know that.
[ His fist uncurls so his hand can lie flat against Jaskier's chest. ]
But I just want you aware, there is a risk in being involved with me.
[ For as much as Tech believes in World's view regarding the power of fear, he can't diminish the power of love. He won't let World ruin this. He won't let World have this moment for long. Jaskier's song was wonderful. It was powerful. And for as much as it moved Tech, for as much as it hurt with its healing message, it had also stirred up the old wounds -- the origin of his pain, the one that planted the seeds of distrust and hatred inside him, the reason he never felt he was worth anything. Because oh had World often made him feel like a failure, that nothing he did was ever good enough.
But now, a different man sits before him. A man he is good enough for. An almost too-good-to-be-true sort of man. Jaskier has likely had countless muses, and they all likely appreciated his songs to varying degrees. But were Jaskier's songs to any of them ever a light in the darkness? Were any of them a rope thrown down into a dark pit? Were any of them a salvation? ]
It really does mean everything to me, you know. That you wrote this. It's not just a song. It's a masterpiece -- your use of the simple melody to paint the story, building upon it and making it more complex as it went on tells more of a story at times than your words. Your talent is in a class all its own and I just. It truly is an honor. To be loved by you. Jaskier the Bard.
[When Tech shakes his head and sits up so abruptly, Jaskier's hand comes away from his face as though he's pressed his hand to an open flame. His smile evaporates and his hold on Tech loosens so much that it seems closer to an allusion to holding him rather than genuinely holding him. And at first, the words spilling out of Tech do little to alter any of that, to not have some part of Jaskier shrink under the weight of what seems to be far too familiar admonishments about a perceived naivete. Jaskier's brow knits itself together as he tries to listen.]
[It's like a splash of icy water to the face what Tech says at the end of his explanation of how much Jaskier doesn't know and doesn't understand. Tech's made it plain he has no desire to return to his home. He's never really beat around the bush in explaining how little free will he would likely have if he were to ever return, and it's never been unclear to Jaskier how easily he is made and unmade in his own world by the advancement of technology and constant ambitions of the humans who worship him. But he's never said this. He's never—]
[He barely hears what Tech says next. His thoughts swirl, attention pinpointed on the hand fisted in his shirt in unspoken, unfamiliar desperation. It's the hand of a drowning man so close to sinking into the black waters that are flooding his vision and lungs. A final plea as the noose is tightened and the rope begins to creak. A futile attempt against what feels like an inevitable end as hope begins to dim and fade. Kaiba left his fair share of scars. Monika did, too. But nothing like this. And Jaskier's heart breaks. It breaks and it twists itself in anger, too, because even now this person still has a hold on Tech. More than anyone else, he makes Tech doubt himself, the people around him. Makes him question the good that comes into his life, expecting it to always hurt again and again and again. That everything is a trick or an illusion. That if you don't have total control, there's nothing.]
[He put all that fear into Tech's heart. No, not fear. Terror. Paralyzing and rending all at once, and intoxicating in a way as Tech simply believes with little question that he is small and he is weak. And Tech shall never be anything more than what Tech already is, which by his design is believed to be nothing.]
[Some part of Jaskier wishes this person would end up here so that it could tear someone apart who actually deserved it. Let him know what feels like to be made small and terrified and believe that nothing shall ever be enough because he knows his suffering has no end in sight. Let him be the one chained to the rock, perpetually having his liver devoured viciously by a great bird until the end of time itself. Let him know what it is to have hope within reach, to extend his hand towards that light only to have it torn from him. To have that distinct, unending sting and ache of betrayal wounding him again and again as everything he's ever believed in turns to ash in his mouth.]
[Jaskier smiles faintly at the praise as Tech delivers it. It's the sort of reflexive smile that curves his lips, but doesn't reach his eyes. Tech has moved forward (or is making a good show of having moved forward), but Jaskier isn't there at all. His mind is returning back to the thought of what waits for Tech if he were to ever end up back in his own world. So, he really doesn't even hear any of Tech's words. He just knows from the tone in Tech's voice, the relaxing of fingers against his chest, that he's speaking kindly to and of Jaskier.]
You could come to my world. [He shakes his head a little, holding up the hand that was on Tech's cheek a moment ago to have Tech pause before he says anything and let Jaskier clarify first. He knows he just blurted it out without any sort of preamble, disconnected from whatever it was that Tech was saying just a moment ago.] I mean, I'm not advocating that it be your first choice. I know my world is vastly different from your world and Ava's, and you would both no doubt find it absolutely fucking miserable because of that.
[He takes the hand at his chest into his own, squeezing it lightly.]
But if you can't find anything else that would suit the two of you better, consider it a backup plan. [There's a flicker of a smile.] For a worst-case scenario.
[Because gods, he can't see Ava and Tech ever really choosing the Continent over any other world. Technologically, Jaskier doesn't think Ava would complain—because she seems to be the last person to ever complain realistically—but she wouldn't necessarily be pleased at the loss of some luxuries. And it absolutely wouldn't suit Tech at all. Gods only know how it would affect him to be in a place that hasn't begun to harness electricity. Which. That actually also opens up a whole host of questions about the pantheons of Jaskier's world and their legitimacy when introducing a bonafide god into their potential midsts. But then there are the uglier parts of the Continent to contend with, too. The hate bred by cowardly, power-hungry men with the constant beating of the drums of war serves as a terrible backdrop to the already inherent dangers of the sort of life that Jaskier leads. Not that Jaskier would ever force either one of them to get wrapped up in any of that, of course. Some people have enough sense to steer clear of witchers. In fact, the majority of people on the Continent do. But still, the world is a messy and complicated place for someone who doesn't already consider it home and hadn't any chance to experience its splendors before such dark times began to fall and he knows the adjustment would be immensely difficult for them both. Optimistic as Jaskier is, he can't pretend that wouldn't be the case.]
[But it's better than what is waiting for Tech in his own world. It has to be. Even if he finds everything else disagreeable, there's freedom there for him on the Continent. A chance to be whoever and whatever he wants to be where he needn't prove his worth because it's already a given that he is deserving of all that love. Where he will always be something and someone, and never made to feel afraid or small like that again.]
[ The out of nowhere offer catches him off guard. Tech leans back to look at Jaskier properly and he doesn't even need the single handed gesture to be silent -- he's stunned to it. It's not like the thought hadn't crossed his mind before, going to Jaskier's world. A world of magic and witchers and monsters. A world that would only be appealing for the man beside him. But he always thought it would be him simply following, never receiving an invitation.
There's a resurgence of tears in his eyes, but this time it's not a broken sort of emotion. He's touched. So much so, he can't find his words right away. Tech doesn't have any real protests. Jaskier had covered those by acknowledging his world would be miserable for him and Ava. Instead, he tries to come up with all the reasons it would be the perfect world. A list that still falls short with one single pro.
Jaskier. ]
I don't think of it as the worst case scenario. There is one very big draw.
[ Tech resettles beside Jaskier, his arm slipping around his stomach. ]
It just becomes complicated because of what I am.
[ His index finger stirs idly across Jaskier's chest and he watches the gesture, absent and lost in quiet thought. ]
There's this story of a Little Mermaid who saved a prince from drowning and fell in love. She struck a deal with a sea witch and gave up her fins and her voice just for the chance to be with him. Even though the curse of her legs was feeling like she was walking on knives with every step, she did it all for the prince she loved with all of her heart. But because she had no voice, she couldn't tell him she rescued him and he eventually came to believe it was another woman who saved him and fell in love with her instead. Her story doesn't exactly have a happy ending, but her story isn't our story.
[ He nestles his head against Jaskier's chest. ]
If I went to your world, there's a chance I would have to find a way to sacrifice my godhood and become nothing more than a normal, mortal being. Would you still love me if there was no longer anything extraordinary about me? Even if you didn't remember all of what we had gone through here? Even if I couldn't ever possibly explain it in a way that wouldn't make me come across as batshit insane, so you would never know the ways I helped and the things I'd done or the songs you wrote?
[ His eyes drift toward the lute on the table. Another thing that would be lost to them. ]
[As Tech settles back in, Jaskier resumes holding him close and protectively to keep the rest of the world at bay, to let it be just the two of them sharing in one another's warmth. He's content, honestly, to let the matter lie there. He wouldn't expect Tech to do more than acknowledge keeping the offer as a consideration because it's not a small decision to make. Moving between worlds isn't technically impossible in Jaskier's if they were truly so unhappy to wish to leave. But the only time Jaskier's ever witnessed it happening was a being who had been trapped on the Continent since the Conjunction 1,500 years ago and she was long gone now. So, there really is no going back if they leave this place with Jaskier, Geralt, and Yennefer. It's also not entirely Tech's choice to make alone either. It's something that Ava would have to choose for herself as well.]
[So, he thinks nothing in particular of Tech's quiet. He assumes it's just a moment for Tech to compose himself again after yet another wave of emotion—even if this time, it had been far kinder, less painful than the one preceding it. And he's happy to provide him that space, to settle back down once more. But then he brings up the story and Jaskier knows Tech isn't just sharing this randomly. He never does because he knows stories to be more or less a second language for Jaskier. So, even if he may lack the showmanship and theatrics that Jaskier possesses, they still command Jaskier's attention as though they do in anticipation of an important point to be made.]
[Tech rests his head against Jaskier's chest and he brings a hand up to massage gently at his scalp as he runs his fingers through Tech's hair. Privately he agrees with Tech that her fate would not be theirs. But he knows Tech wouldn't have brought it up if there hadn't been some concern for it, if it truly didn't seem at all possible. And it seems Jaskier is at least a little correct in that assumption as Tech asks if there is still a possibility of them if Tech is little more than human and Jaskier doesn't remember.]
Bit of a shit deal to give all that up for a viscount instead of a prince, [Jaskier says, huffing a small laugh, displacing his discomfort and unease with the notion with humor.] Worse yet, a viscount of a place most couldn't even point out on a map.
[Because really, the question for Jaskier is not whether or not he could love Tech again. He knows he would. He knows that even if he could never summon a single memory of their time together in this place, Jaskier would always find all the reasons in the world to love him. Because he doesn't love Tech for what he is, but who he is. And being a god is such small piece to that beautiful whole that is Tech that taking it away could never cause Jaskier to overlook him.]
[The question really is could Tech be happy? Jaskier could think of no greater privilege than to have Tech live out his life with Jaskier. To share a bed each night, talking until neither one of them can keep their eyes open any longer. To squabble over foolish things like spending habits or nicking food off each other's plates at the end of a long day. To make love just as often when there seems to be nothing else to do as when they feel so helplessly smitten with the other. To see the whole of the Continent over and over again until they're too old and fat to travel reliably any longer. To have countless songs to regale Tech with warm nostalgia as they look back on their time together and see it as having been an incredible journey and lives well-spent. It all seems like a dream. Far too good to be possibly real.]
[But it has its drawbacks. Tech would know the fragility of mortal life. He would know injury and illness as well as aches like hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. He would inevitably come to know what it is to age, when one's mind and body no longer work as they once did. And he would, no doubt, know intimately that feeling of never having enough time for all he wants to accomplish even with the knowledge he's lived a good life.]
[And he would remember so much of this on his own. Sure, Ava would be there as well, and there would be things she would know that they could no doubt share and reminiscence over in private. But these moments, these words and things shared just between Tech and Jaskier? They would be for him to carry alone because the person who was there couldn't remember. It was as though it never happened.]
[It pains Jaskier to think of those parts. And it worries him, too. Much as Jaskier envisions and hopes for such a bright, happy future, he knows there's the possibility of resentment. What if there comes a time where Tech decides it hadn't been worth it? What if he came to believe that no amount of good possibly outweighed the hardships he faced either as a mortal or as the only one who remembered? What if he regretted that choice every day for the rest of his life? Jaskier... Well, he can't predict how he would react or feel without the memories of their time together here, but he knows sitting here and now on Tech's couch, that would kill him. He'd never be able to forgive himself for putting Tech through that, robbing him of something like so many others before him had and truly being his undoing.]
[Jaskier worries his lower lip a moment, gaze drifting towards the mural on the wall. Is there the possibility that he's wrong? Could it be that he isn't leading Tech towards any sort of freedom, but simply changing the look of his cage? He's quiet as he contemplates those questions far more than Tech's, weighing it all out. He's quiet long enough that he knows he's lapsed into more than a pause at this point and he feels a touch self-conscious and guilty for it. Those were important questions that Tech asked, and he's left him without an immediate answer. But then he remembers his own words, and he feels a bit foolish.]
[Love is a risk. But it's powerful, too. And if Jaskier could always find his way back to loving Tech, then surely... Surely, they can find their happy ending.]
There's a reason I didn't make any mention of you being a god of technology in your song beyond that it wouldn't exactly fit. Don't get me wrong, those things you do to me in bed? You really undersold the experience of sleeping with a god to me. Frankly, I should be a little cross with you for not properly preparing me for all that, [he says, teasing a little as an apology for his earlier quiet.] But I don't love you because you're a god, Tech. I love you.
If this place were to strip you of all you can do and be as a god tomorrow, I would love you just as much then as I do right now. And if I were to never be able to retain a single memory of you so that each day it would be as though I were meeting you for the first time, I would still fall in love with you before each day was through.
[He pauses there because that was the easy part since it was never in question. What is to come next he knows he's infusing with an optimism that Tech could just as easily reject as the previous. And maybe that would cement Tech's decision against it, and maybe that would be for the best. But... Jaskier would rather it be Tech chose something better for him, not because he was so certain love couldn't overcome even Destiny.]
But Tech, I will always want you to choose your happiness above all else. Even if it isn't with me. And I'm not saying that looking for reassurances that you're happy with me now or that you possibly could in the future. [Jaskier shakes his head a little.] That's not what I'm talking about.
Whatever world or life you choose, love, I want it to be what you want. [He stops the movements of his fingers in Tech's hair, moving his hand away from his head entirely to simply hold him.] And I can't and won't pretend like I wouldn't be immensely sad if I wasn't part of that life you make for yourself, but this can still be gift enough. Knowing and loving you, even in the event that I forget it all... Oh, darling, it wouldn't take anything away from it, from us. My mind might forget, but I don't think my heart ever could. I simply wouldn't know how lucky I was is all. Part of me would still love you even if I never realized it.
[ It was a stupid question, Tech tells himself in Jaskier's silence. Even if a viscount would absolutely be worth the trade-off and a world renowned bard even moreso, how could Jaskier honestly answer if he could love him again? Tech doesn't even know how love happened between them in the first place, not enough to be able to repeat it. It was like one day they met and the next they were in love, and there was no magic moment -- nothing he could define and pin down as the moment it happened. Especially not on Jaskier's end. All he knew was the moment Tech knew he loved him, Jaskier was there with him -- a process that happened together. If he was the only one who carried love alone, how would he get Jaskier to return his affection? Come on too strong, risk pushing him away. Come on not strong enough, and run the risk of being dismissed as just another fan of his music.
Hopeless. Like most of his life. His stirring hand ceases, stilling. And he lies there in his private despair until Jaskier finally breaks his silence -- the warmth of his voice reverberating through his chest. Jaskier puts to rest his doubts about the love part and Tech shrinks against him, burrowing his face into his side -- not to hide from it necessarily but more from the guilt of thinking Jaskier would only continue the pattern that had marked his life. Loving someone and not being enough for that someone. In a partially digitized mind, he's always looking for clean answers to every problem -- a definitive solution, like in this case the logistics of how he could possibly make Jaskier fall in love with him again. The thing is, he doesn't have to find a solution alone. Because he and Jaskier have music. And if Tech could just play for him, their music would transcend memories -- their music would connect them again. He wouldn't lose his ability to play simply because he gave up being a god.
There would be something incredible about the impossibility of their story. How against all odds they found each other. How love truly did transcend time and space. And while Tech would have to learn what it meant to be a human, he did have a taste of it. Once he went to an island in hell and his powers were completely gone. And while there was an initial horror, he still adapted because he always would -- used his bare hands to make perfect stone tools because that knowledge would always be part of him no matter what. And in a world with few technological advances, he could be an inventor -- he could possibly bring them their first light bulb. Or if they weren't ready for it, something else. The automaton who could write a message all on his own.
Hope bubbles in his chest because this is a future -- a bright future. And he could live it to the fullest with Jaskier and Ava. He could live a good life. He could choose how he died and not let it be the world's choice or World's choice. There would be no reviving, but that's okay. It's okay because he would have found the truest of love with two people who are perfect for him. There could be no better after them. ]
No matter what I ultimately decide, you are always going to be a part of that future. And you lay out a very compelling argument here. The thought of getting more time with you, filling my days and nights with you...I think that could definitely be a happily ever after. But...
[ Because for as wonderful as things would be, there is a but. ]
If I went back with you, I couldn't honor my promise to tell your story. We'd be living it together and the worlds would never get to know you. And while I'm more than willing to say fuck it for a chance to have more time with you, you aren't the sort of person who should ever be forgotten. Your legacy should be timeless, finding new generations to love you the way I got to love you.
[ Tech closes his eyes. This becomes the dilemma. This becomes the thing he needs to think about, the thing that makes the decision a bit more complicated. ]
I'll think it over, though. I promise. And what I decide will be what I think will make me the happiest. Because both decisions, you get to be a part of it with me. Just in very different ways.
[ He leans up, pressing a kiss to the edge of Jaskier's jaw. ]
Thank you, songbird. For loving me. And letting me love you. And for this amazing song.
[ He places his chin on his hands and smiles brightly at him. ]
Can I hear it again? You can do it a capella if you don't wanna move and get your lute.
[There is a part of Jaskier that's tempted to tell Tech to forget the promise. Especially when he's already voicing that there's no small part of him that doesn't want to already just for that opportunity of more time together. But Jaskier makes no appeals to that part of Tech despite how much he would like to because he knows it's important to Tech. He's known that from the beginning, the moment Tech asked who would be responsible for telling Jaskier's story, it was deeply important to Tech that some part of Jaskier is able to grasp and hold onto immortality of a kind. And sure, there is some degree of excitement to the idea. Who wouldn't be thrilled at the notion that their life's work can not only far exceed their own lifetime, but be permanently tied to them? But it's not Jaskier's priority in the end. The longer-lasting mark he wants to leave in the world differs despite the trappings of his ego. But it's important to Tech, and that matters just as much if not more in some ways.]
[So, he won't tell Tech which is the right one to choose. He sticks to his words that he wants it to be Tech's choice and what he wants. Not what he's been convinced or told to want. All that means is Jaskier had best continue making those videos as often as possible should Tech choose his legacy. So he can be with Tech for as long and as often as possible. Every day.]
[Jaskier huffs a laugh at the request to hear the song, the sound just as much amused as it is pleased. He's happy Tech likes it so much to want to hear it again so soon. And, of course, proud and pleased with his own songwriting that he was able to capture something so phenomenal, so utterly inspiring as Tech's life thus far. And he's so glad, the happiest he's been in a while, that it took away Tech's doubts about them. That there was a soothing answer to all the questions about the reality and permanency of Jaskier's feelings. That his love can be something that doesn't have to hurt.]
You can hear it as few or as many times as you want to hear it. And if you never wanted another person to hear it, then not a soul would ever hear it save you. It's your song, Tech. [He kisses Tech's forehead.] To do with as you please.
[That's not the usual sort of thing that Jaskier would offer. Even with lovers of the past, Jaskier never really surrendered that much control over the songs he wrote to and about them regardless of just how personal they got. None of his subjects ever have had any sort of ability to stop Jaskier from performing any song in his repertoire. Gods, if Geralt knew... Well, Jaskier would hear the end of it because it would just be a sour look perhaps coupled with a grunt, and then nothing further. But still. Jaskier would be stuck perseverating on the look and the potential grunt for a long time after! But Jaskier is willing to part with such control to Tech because he knows how few opportunities throughout his long life he's been afforded that sort of control over anything.]
[...And, okay, maybe Jaskier is also quite confident Tech won't have a problem with it. It's a really good fucking song! Who wouldn't want Jaskier singing it from the rooftops? They'd have to be mad.]
[Keeping his hold on Tech, Jaskier leans forward in the direction of his lute.]
Hand it to me, will you, love? You're closer.
[Considering he's more than confident he could play his lute blindfolded, upside down, and behind his back, Jaskier's confident he can play it with Tech still nestled in close and occupying his lap. Besides, he's noticed how mindful Tech is of the lute, looking at it as though it might shatter should he so much as place a single fingertip on it. The care is appreciated given how precious the lute is to Jaskier with all of its history and memories, but it is a little excessive on Tech's part to be frightened that he might ruin it so easily. So, Jaskier thinks Tech ought to get a little more acquainted with her. Feel the weight of her in his own lap and watch her being played from a different perspective than some untouchable, sacred object and as an extension of Jaskier instead. And who knows? Perhaps Tech will feel comfortable and brave enough to have his own hand on the strings someday, strumming as Jaskier presses chords along the neck at least until Tech's fingers begin feeling a bit sore. But for now, this ought to be enough.]
[ His song. Jaskier's not only dedicating the song to him, but gifting it to him -- at least to the extent of getting a choice whether it hit the world or stayed between them. Something personal for them alone, to even be locked away if Tech chose, if he decided he couldn't be that music box.
It's a lot. Overwhelming almost. Overwhelming -- a word that can easily apply to every encounter with Jaskier. Simultaneously effortless and poignant. But in this specific case, Tech went from never expecting a song to now having one and having the choice of what to do with it. It's part of the reason he wants to hear it again only minutes after it being performed -- so he can listen without the fog of realization that he was the subject matter clouding it out or the pain of his entire reality being drawn out like a twisted, gnarled splinter embedded deep under skin. He will probably still cry, but this time more from being moved than all of those ugly hurts being unlocked. And the more he hears it, the less it will hurt....and maybe the more he will be ready to be in Jaskier's presence as he sings it for others.
Because this was what he always wanted, wasn't it? For the world to just notice him. And through Jaskier's song, perhaps they finally could.
His eyes close as Jaskier's lips meet his forehead, remaining closed until he pulls back and requests the lute. Tech turns to glance at the instrument on the table and then looks back at Jaskier uncertainly. Is he sure?
Naturally, Tech handled the lute before. He had to in order to bring it home. And it sat like an art piece on his couch as he went out into the ruins and dug through the rubble slab by slab for days to find a guitar case. Jaskier highlighted how delicate the lute was and how "she" was to be treated, so he took painstaking care to find something to house it in. And when he found a suitable case, he left the guitar behind in the old high school music room. The dirt and debris (remnants of a perfect life fallen apart) were cleaned from the case. And when it was worthy of Jaskier's most precious friend, Tech laid the lute in a bed of velvet as though it were glass, gently wiping his fingerprints from the headstock with a dry cloth. And then slowly, carefully he hid this secret in his closet, nestled on a cushion of lesser worn clothing where it would remain until the next set of hands to fall on it were the hands of someone who never thought this reunion would be possible, broken as she was in his world.
Tech had been careful not to touch the lute since, not even necessarily conscious of his evasion until Jaskier requests him to get it now. But Jaskier gives him permission and it would be weird to question him on it. Tech sucks in a deep breath as he leans forward to pick up the instrument, making absolutely certain his hands are steady as he brings it to Jaskier and as soon as it's within Jaskier's reach, he hands it off and takes his hands away like a game of hot potato -- it'll burn if he touches it too long. This is something precious to Jaskier and Tech has a tendency to ruin things, so he'd rather not up the likelihood of it happening by holding it too long.
His eyes trail from the lute up to meet Jaskier's eyes and then they flit back down. His thoughts from earlier dance to the forefront of his mind, and he tilts his head, lowering his voice to a near whisper -- as though this was a secret just for them and even the walls weren't allowed to hear. ]
When was it you knew you wanted to write a song for me?
[ Because wouldn't that also answer the other question he'd pondered -- when had Jaskier fallen in love with him? Was there a certain moment? Or did it simply happen like the changing of a season, one day the flowers opened for spring and so, too, did Jaskier come to realize he loved Tech enough to immortalize that in music. ]
[He can't help the slight smile at Tech quickly retreating from the lute if only because the lute certainly isn't going anywhere from him. Jaskier can't loop the strap over himself and Tech, therefore, it has to rest more squarely in Tech's lap and against him than on Jaskier. His smile brightens at Tech's question as he answers easily,]
The day we met.
[It would perhaps be easy to assume the answer isn't an honest one. After all, love at first sight is a bit absurd when brought from story to reality. It seems the sort of thing that someone would tease as an answer before offering up the honest one. But Jaskier looks back at Tech, gaze not drifting away from his eyes with an earnestness that can only be taken as genuine. Because it wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it may as well have been with the proximity between Jaskier beginning to feel something for Tech and their meeting.]
That song I sang for you had fallen out of my usual sets for quite some time. I've written far better since I wrote it and, well... [Jaskier shakes his head a little. There's no need for him to bring all of that up now to answer Tech's question.] It's not a song I would have picked quite honestly had you not played that song for me. But it felt...right.
[For the first time in a very long time.]
So, I wanted to give something back to you.
[Jaskier never thanked Tech for all his pointers or tidbits about Penance when they first met. Not really. He hardly even acknowledged them by comparison. But what he did thank Tech for was the music. Because even if Tech hadn't known, even if that hadn't been his intention, the end result had been that Jaskier felt something he hadn't in quite some time in singing that song for Tech. It was as much a connection between Tech and Jaskier as it was with Jaskier and himself. But the latter couldn't have happened without the former. Not then. Not when Jaskier needed it most. And so, it made that connection to Tech all the more important even if Jaskier's part in Tech's life and vice versa still seemed so incredibly ambiguous.]
I just didn't know what shape or form the song would take just yet. [Jaskier crooks a smile then as he teases a little.] I had ideas, of course, because what is a god of technology if not an endless font of inspiration for something new.
[He keeps his hold on the lute's neck, but his other hand drifts to Tech's to bring it to his lips and press kisses to his fingertips.]
But I still didn't know. [Jaskier releases Tech's hand to caress his face instead, thumb stroking gently at his cheek.] Not until you played for me.
[And it was then that Jaskier saw that beautiful person past all the bluster and pageantry of being a god. There was a person who loved so deeply and fiercely even despite how often it tended to hurt and rob him of so much. He was brave and beautiful, and he was so authentically himself, and Jaskier knew he wanted to capture that. Not whatever impressions he or someone else might have, not whatever designs or hopes, but exactly as he was. Someone brave enough to try again and again when others most likely would have broken and succumbed entirely to their bitterness and cruelty.]
[Jaskier leans in to kiss Tech sweetly then, lingering there for a moment or two before parting. His thumb traces Tech's lips when they part, Jaskier's smile soft and warm as he looks at this brilliant man that he loves in quiet awe. It turns to teasing then as he gently pokes the tip of Tech's nose with his index finger.]
I'd say it's a surprise you didn't notice on your own that I was serious about writing you a song from the beginning, but you also didn't even have a clue I wasn't struggling with a song at all, so! A keen sense of observation is not one of your abilities, is it? Or are you just too distracted by how beautiful I am at all times to notice? [He winks before pressing a kiss to Tech's cheek as he starts playing the introduction to his song.] We'll say it's the latter and spare you the embarassment if anyone asks.
[ The day we met Jaskier says, and Tech looks at him as though to say bullshit. But like in all matters of the heart, Jaskier approaches it with sincerity. The look behind his eyes insists a truth and his words only go on to further build a case for it. Speaking about the song he first sang and that moment just before -- that had been the spark. And Tech had felt it, too. Not enough to claim it was love, but it was something. Inspiration. A well to draw on for Jaskier and his endless thirst for music.
His eyes linger on the lute resting on his lap. Maybe that was the moment Tech fell in love. When he swore he would get Jaskier's lute back for him and then, well, did it. He looks up again when his hand is taken, watching Jaskier plant these small kisses on his knuckles. In those subtle and tiny gestures of affection, Tech loves Jaskier the most. His whole life had been spent starved of affection, keeping to himself, isolated and alone. Jaskier doesn't hesitate to touch him and Tech trusts him to. His trusts Jaskier's hands to always be tender. He trusts calloused fingertips to know him in ways no one else ever really has. Even though it opens him up to be hurt in many ways, it's a relief to finally find someone in all of the world and in all of Penance he can trust so freely.
And Tech found two people like that. He truly is lucky.
A smile curves when Jaskier touches his face and speaks of his playing. Tech leans into it, not so subtly soaking up the warmth of that hand on his cheek. And then he returns the kiss that follows, lashes flicking open as lips purse a peck to the thumb tracing them. Then Jaskier shifts gears and pokes his nose, ruining all that romance. Tech scoffs and bats his hand away like shooing a pesky fly. ]
I didn't think I was worth a song!
[ He protests in jest as the reason he didn't notice, but then the truth and sadness of those words dawn on him. He really hadn't thought he was worth a song. He spent all that time rationalizing reasons why Jaskier wouldn't write one for him or about him, he never stopped to see the truth or piece together the puzzle that pointed to the opposite of his beliefs. Gods could be and often were wrong. He'll own that. He should have paid more attention or been less self-deluded. And more than that, he should have just trusted Jaskier's love.
But trust is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Especially not when the music box has been so damaged. He watches Jaskier play, memorizing the positioning of his fingers and rather than give him the opportunity to stop the momentum of the song or further comfort and coddle him, Tech shakes his head to add: ]
But I'm starting to...
[ Starting to see his worth, starting to see how he could inspire, starting to accept that someone could love him enough to write something from the heart. Monika had before Jaskier -- she wrote him countless poems that he dismissed as just cute little gestures and ways she expressed her romantic inclinations. He didn't let her poems sink in the way Jaskier's song did, and after his and Monika's volatile end, he wrote her works all off as bullshit. But maybe it would be a good idea to revisit them now because he still has them. All of them. He couldn't bear to throw them away even if the angry part of him wanted to -- wanted to rip all of Monika's existence out of his life. But maybe now, going back and reading her words, he could find something of value within him -- the good parts that inspired her, not the bad parts that destroyed her. And maybe now, he can find a way to be all the good parts -- to be all that Jaskier believes he can be.
So for now, Tech settles in to listen again, to receive this private and personal concert. And in spite of how the tears touch his eyes, he smiles his way through it this time. Tech only wishes Jaskier had spent more time on his part in it. Yes, the song is about the music box. Yes, Jaskier has made it known that he's the one telling the story and his feelings about said music box. But something gets a little lost because Jaskier fails to mention he's the final piece in putting it all back together -- restoring it to something far better than it could have been without him. Jaskier is the crank, the wind up dial in the back, the key. Without him, Tech would never have been able to be more than simply a music box. Without him, all the pieces might have been put back together by Ava, but he still couldn't play.
He wipes the tears from his eyes with a single swipe of his index finger on each side, and in the conclusion, when Jaskier sets the lute aside -- Tech kisses him. He kisses him and he doesn't stop until they've entangled themselves in lovemaking for the entire rest of the day. Often times, Tech could take sex or leave it. After their initial coupling, it had been pretty infrequent because he figures Jaskier can get sex from elsewhere. Tech also can't shake the feeling that he's doing something he shouldn't be -- that he's being selfish and should allow Jaskier and Ava time to get here first. But in the face of such overwhelming love, Tech can think of nothing else but a desire to be close to him -- as close as two people possibly can be. And Tech loves him, over and over again until they're both absolutely and pleasantly spent.
There would be more songs. Tech knows this now. He also knows a bard is supposed to be more of a witness rather than an active participant in their music for the most part. But if Jaskier wants to share everything, then he can share in the story. This story is theirs to tell together. A duet. And if Jaskier doesn't want to sing his part, well then....Tech will tell it in his own way, through his own music. A song without lyrics can be just as telling and emotional as one with words. And through Tech's song maybe, finally, this little music box can write its own music. It had permission to shatter the rules, yes, but it was still kept within certain parameters -- still forced to compose in the style of Bach. Jaskier is and has always been Tech's key to the freedom he's always craved.
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But no. All he gets is something's missing and Tech will probably be expected to parse out that problem himself. A true testament to how well he knows Jaskier now -- if he could sniff out the root of his problem in this particular song and come up with a solution for him to fix it. The pressure is on! A good kind of pressure. Like a pop quiz to test how much he's been paying attention! ]
It's going to be pretty hard for me to be critical of your work, you realize. So if I say it's perfect as it is, you can't get too upset. I'm just a god smitten by this stupid bard, yanno.
[ Tech bends his elbow to bring Jaskier's hand up and dips his head to press a kiss to his knuckles. And then he lets his hand go as something occurs to him. Tech leans in to inspect the lute with a purse of his lips. ]
Is everything fine with the lute itself? Lucifer promised it would be just as it was -- but maybe he lied. Demons lie. Fallen angels, too. Maybe the problem isn't your song at all but some enchantment that makes you dissatisfied with what you produce? Like....torture is part and parcel here. And that would be a fucking clever way to torture you...
[ But he better fucking not!! Because that would make Lucifer go from this guy he dislikes to public enemy number one. Even more hated than Mammon!! ]
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No, no, [Jaskier says with a small laugh before offering Tech some reassurance.] I'd know right away if there was something wrong with my lute. She's in perfect condition. Besides, I've had quite a bit of lost time to make up for with her. I've been writing a number of songs with no issues. This is the only one.
[Taking his leg off Tech's, Jaskier sits up. Much as he would like to stay nestled up beside Tech, he can't very well give his best performance like that.]
Perhaps I ought to just play it for you, and then you'll see what I mean. But you have to promise to be as honest with me as you can and I promise I won't be upset with your opinion or thoughts either way. After all, even though I asked because I trust you, I know I am putting you in a rather unfair position asking you to help me with this. [He leans over and kisses the corner of Tech's mouth by way of a small, nonverbal apology. Just not about being put in an unfair position. Or, at least, not the one Tech is assuming. So, perhaps he does feel a little guilty for lying even if the end result should hopefully more than make up for his deception. Jaskier grins then, winking as he leans back into his own space.] Then again, this is your own fault for listening to me so well. Had you ever learned to tune me out, I might not value your opinion so much and would never have thought to bring this to you. Instead, because you seem to refuse to ever ignore me, you've made yourself the only person I can possibly turn to for help with this.
So, let that be a lesson to you for being so attentive and considerate, and possessing such wonderful taste! Perhaps you shall think twice about the potential consequences next time you give me your undivided attention. [There's a beat before Jaskier adds,] Barring today, of course. I'm going to need your attention today. You can consider it the time after.
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His eyes lift as Jaskier shifts away, puts inches of space between them and Tech draws his legs up onto the couch cushion, crossing them beneath himself as he turns to face Jaskier fully. He exhales amusement, a soft huff of breath accompanied by a smile as he shakes his head and holds up his hands shamefully. When it comes to listening to Jaskier, giving him attention and consideration and never ignoring a single thing no matter how pesky it might have seemed? Well. Guilty as charged. ]
It blows my mind that anyone could ever ignore you. Doesn't seem like you give much of an option on that front.
[ Pay attention, pay attention, pay attention. A plea Tech has carried with him into basically every interaction he's ever had with anyone. Jaskier is much the same, only far more charming. Far more worthy of that attention. Because he's beautiful and thoughtful and brilliant. Naturally, his world took notice. Hell would be much the same. Whatever world Tech brought Jaskier's memories to would also be the same. There might be a million stars shining in the sky, but only one of them gives life to the earth. Only one of them is within the reach of the mountains. His fingers sneak out to tenderly brush a tendril of Jaskier's hair away from his eyes. ]
But you have my word, songbird. I will listen and give my honest feedback -- as blunt and brutally honest as the internet can be. I don't know if you can even prepare yourself for it.
[ Tech's hand draws back and swirls a figure eight in the air as he speaks. Then his elbow wedges into the cushion on the back of the couch, forearm draping across it and fingers flit toward him twice -- a gesture to signify he's ready to listen. ]
Let's hear it.
[ He says, calm and casual -- unaware and unsuspecting that any of what Jaskier's about to play will be coming directly for his heart. ]
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[At the start, there's only the lute, but it's not the usual sort of playing that Jaskier does. While the way he normally plays could never be considered sloppy, the way Jaskier plays now is so closely controlled that it might be considered near-technically perfect, as though human hands were not the cause for the music with repetition of the same chords again and again. And yet as minimal as the variations are, it's not a cold sound devoid of any feeling. It's simply limited relative to what Jaskier often writes and remains so even when his voice joins the song.]
[It probably doesn't take Tech very long to piece together whose story Jaskier is telling when the central character appears to be a music box that ultimately wishes to make its own music. And it tries. Again and again through each verse, only to lose some part of itself in each repetition of the chorus by those it tries to play for expressing their disapproval by cruelly taking from the music box. And yet, even as Jaskier does not make any sort of mention of Tech's own wrongdoing in this narrative, he doesn't paint him as a victim either. Instead, there's plain, unashamed admiration instead in Jaskier's voice and as the song continues, Jaskier's playing on the lute appears to steadily evolve into something far more complex than when the song began. But the music box isn't destined for a dark fate. A spark of hope comes when finally someone wants to hear the song just as the music box was ready to give up and accept its fate. And this time during the chorus, instead of having parts taken, the music box is repaired. Given all that it would need to sing its song the way it wants to rather than the way someone else has decided it ought to. He wouldn't and couldn't, after all, forget Ava's part in all of this for Tech.]
[And that's where there's a change in the lyrics as the song and story begin to reach their denouement. The simpler chords return, but not as they were at the start. It's far more natural and playful. Instead of a music box, the pronouns seamlessly shift to provide a nameless he to the song. There's a sudden appearance of an I, too, and it's likely that both the look in Jaskier's eyes and the confessional sort of way he sings the last of the song who the narrator of this tale has been if it was ever in doubt. And oh, does he sing with love and hope and pride and every other wonderful feeling that finds its way into his chest every time he's around Tech as he lays out all the wonderful things that Tech has done and given. Not in terms of specific technological advances, of course, because he's not singing of a god of technology. He's singing of someone far grander than a god. Instead, he sings of his ingenuity. His kindness. His love. His hope. His belief in a brighter future. Stealing fire so that none need to be in the dark as he was. And, of course, his song that Jaskier claims so many don't even realize once belonged him because it's what every songbird so proudly sings as a testament to all his brilliance and generosity and strength.]
[Jaskier doesn't say anything at the song's end, letting the last notes of the lute hang in the air between him and Tech for a little while. His smile is soft as he looks at Tech in those quiet moments after with such immense love and warmth.]
Mm, I think I figured out what it was missing, [he says.] Can't very well go around sharing your song with everyone else if you haven't even had a chance to hear it first, can I?
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Tech pays mind to the chords, their stilted and technical progression, their repetition. Jaskier must be experimenting with a new technique and maybe that's where he's feeling the disconnect. And then his voice joins the accompaniment to begin his tale. A tale about...
A music box.
The words puncture his chest. He gasps as the blow takes his breath away. The expression on his face shifts from concentrated and thoughtful to stunned and astounded. His gaze doesn't meet Jaskier's still, now because it can't -- pinned down by the weight of his emotions. But he can hear the smile in Jaskier's voice, the picture clear in his mind of the tenderness behind Jaskier's gaze and sincerity of his body language. Fingers curl slowly into fists on his lap -- nails digging into palms to keep him grounded. Jaskier spins the story of his life, the pain of it unfolding like a withering rose but sung with so much beauty, so much love.
Tech swallows. His throat tightens. His lips rub together, caught between his teeth from the inside as he tries not to come apart like the music box. Blinking rapidly, his gaze flits to the furthest wall. How many lives did he live? How many times did he burn to nothing? How many times did he rise again, try again, thrive again only to burn out, fade to obscurity, become nothing again? Wash, rinse, repeat. A piece of him got left behind every time, the music box's melody became distorted as it lost the shimmer and glory of the days long ago when it was just enough to create its music or inventions. It forgot what it was supposed to be...
But...if I can convince even one person that the world is worth something, then I will have lived my life with meaning and purpose, Jaskier had once said. As the lyrics spill from his lips now, rich with vibrato, inflection and love -- a cog clicks into place and all of a sudden, it makes sense. Tech's only ever needed one person to see him for his life to mean something. And Jaskier does. Jaskier sees him so fucking clearly. Picture perfect. High definition. He sees even the flaws and loves him in spite of them. Maybe even because of them. This is all Tech had ever wanted in his life, and probably the lives he had forgotten as well -- to matter to someone.
A sound involuntarily escapes his throat. In the days apart, in the quiet moments, Jaskier thought of him too. He worked on this song. Tech's song. Their song. Tech isn't only someone Jaskier enjoys being around when they're in each others presence. He carries thoughts of him into his private life, maybe even talks about him to others. Tech had joked about this song, but never expected Jaskier to actually write it -- to very literally strum his pain with his fingers and sing his life with his words. But he did. Only instead of killing him softly, he infuses the end with hope. The music box becomes self-actualized, greater than it ever could have been alone. It's repaired and restored and whole, but not yet complete because it's still a work in progress and always will be. Growing, evolving, shaped by the one who helped repair it (Ava) and the one who told its tale (Jaskier).
Tech's vision blurs as the final chord rings out, lingering in his mind. He can't seem to get enough air, his breath shallow and shaky. And finally, only in the song's completion does he look at Jaskier again.
Failure, obsolete, decommission, delete -- these taunts from New Media had flitted along the walls of Xie's company building when Tech tried to flee and escape what was waiting at the bottom of those stairs. Death. Rebirth, too -- but primarily death because even when the upgrade ultimately failed and he reverted back to what he was before and what he is now, it was never the same person he had been prior. He didn't realize how much he'd internalized those words until now, until he's confronted with a love that a part of him tries to convince himself he doesn't deserve. You're nothing. You were nothing to World. You were nothing to THE world. You were nothing to Xie. What makes you think you can be something for Jaskier?
Tech meets Jaskier's eyes and sees all he's given and willing to give. It's all he's ever wanted. It's all he's ever yearned for in his current life and he suspects the lives he's lived that he's forgotten. To be loved by someone. To be enough for someone. To be someone's inspiration.
So now, in this moment -- Tech breaks before Jaskier once again. Not as violently as at the piano. This time it's muted, a whisper of a sob. His hands come up to cover his mouth as though he can hold it in. Tears fall. They spill rivers down the plains of his face. Tech scoots back, a hand coming up to signal he needs space for just a moment in case Jaskier was tempted to move in and embrace him. There's a certain kind of pain that comes from having ones world view shattered. He'd gotten so used to thinking of himself as only a disappointment or unworthy that it became his reality. But through his melody, Jaskier gave a new perspective. Tech's worth something. He's worthy of the world. But more than the world, he's worthy of this bard who took the time to write this song, perhaps the most incredible and powerful song Tech had ever heard.
It takes a minute or two for him to find his voice. His eyes close and squeeze shut to force the last of the tears to drop. ]
You fucking asshole, first of all.
[ He sniffles, offering a watery smile. And then he's quiet for a beat longer, expression pensive. ]
Do you mean this one, Jas? The stuff you sang, it's not just....you know, pretty bullshit, is it?
[ After all, Jaskier has been known to embellish certain details. There's a great deal of truth to the general story and symbolism for other parts where the truth would be too convoluted to sing, but the ending of the song -- that's an ending that has yet to be written, an ending that hinges a lot on what Jaskier believes could happen. Did he simply want to give the song a happy ending or is that what's genuinely in his heart -- what he genuinely thinks could become of the music box and the story it would leave behind?
His eyes glisten with new unshed tears as he slides closer, bridging the gap he put between them until their knees are touching and his hands fall into the space between them -- to either be held if Jaskier puts the lute aside or as a signal that it's okay to touch him now if he wants. ]
Because I'll be very, very, very upset if even one sentence is a lie.
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[Before Tech even moves closer to Jaskier, he's already looping himself out from the lute's strap to set it aside. He leans a little into Tech's space to set his lute carefully on the coffee table. But rather than leaving back into his own, he stays and refocuses his attention on Tech completely. Gently, he strokes at one of Tech's cheeks, touching him as though he were the most precious thing in all the world and Jaskier can scarcely believe he's real. Because to some extent, he almost can't. To have met someone like Tech in a place like this? To have not just his love, but his attention with so little fight against all the things that would pull it in another direction? It should be near impossible to have found such a right person at the right time like this, and yet... Jaskier found him and now has the luxury of marveling at how much Tech loves and cares for him.]
I could never lie about what I see in you, Tech. [Rather than kissing him, Jaskier moves back into his own space, nudging Tech to follow him back and drawing Tech at least partially into his lap with his arms around him.] Or what you mean to me.
[Even if the song made no mention of Tech's flaws and never highlighted his wrongdoings throughout his long life, Jaskier isn't ignorant of them. But neither does he have to pretend they're not there to see anything else beyond them. It's as simple as those things do not spoil or overshadow all that Jaskier sees in Tech. They don't diminish who and what Tech can be. And so, everything Jaskier sang was the truth in his heart. Jaskier runs his fingers through Tech's hair.]
And I don't want that to ever be in doubt or question.
[Even though he knows it's likely to be because he's caught on to how much Tech diminishes himself. Whether it's comparing himself to Geralt or believing what he's been taught by the people he's tried to trust in the past, he always assumes himself the least. But he hopes that this song can stand against all those doubts that creep into his mind alongside all the songs Jaskier will but hasn't yet written. Because there will certainly be more. Many, many more. Until all those doubts can be quieted for good.]
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He follows Jaskier's urging and slides into Jaskier's lap, but falls more into his side -- tucking himself beneath Jaskier's armpit and shifting so his arms can encircle Jaskier's stomach. He draws himself closer, falling into silent acceptance. There's comfort in their closeness. It never seems to become overbearing or unwelcome. For a man who can be fairly delicate with his finery and his lack of fighting prowess, Jaskier's embraces are strong, fierce and protective. In Jaskier's arms, Tech feels the safest he's ever felt. ]
I've given so much to the world. Try to find a god who has done more for humanity in any pantheon here, in your world, in my world?
[ He shakes his head. ]
You can't. They'll try and spoon feed you that Jesus died for your sins and blahblahblah, that's the reason why so many can go to the opposite side of hell. That's how they unlock the path to heaven.
[ Tech points toward the ceiling to gesture at some unseen place above them, a place they're supposed to be working toward getting into. ]
But to get there, you gotta pledge your life to the dude to even be partly considered. It's never been freely given the way technology has. Worship is funneled less through the worth of Emmanuel, and more out of fear of winding up in this place.
[ His hand moves up to trace fondly along Jaskier's jawline, to gently direct his head toward him so he can lean his forehead to Jaskier's. Up to this point, while the words might make it seem like Tech is gloating, he states them as a simple fact. So many time periods can be defined by their technological advancements. And absolutely none of them required a rite of passage to get through. No one has to pledge allegiance to the technology god just to get basic electricity. Tech breathes Jaskier in, opening his eyes to look at him -- this close there's no where to hide from vulnerabilities. ]
My point is, I've given so much that at times there's nothing left of me. And this is the first time, the first fucking time, it's felt like someone has given back to me. Your song, it's not just a song. It's like --
[ His brows furrow and he struggles to find the right words. Tech shakes his head, embarrassed by his own inadequacies here. ]
Fuck, sorry. I'm not very good at this. I guess the word I wanna use is testimony? I've always been the invisible hand and....well, you know. We watched The Wizard of Oz, so you'll get the reference when I say you revealed the man behind the curtain. I don't know what others will think of it...
[ Shyness comes to him because for as much as he's always wanted just that small bit of acknowledgement...he's afraid as well. Afraid that people might listen to Jaskier's new song and find it dull, boring, not worth their time. Did the other gods ever feel this fear when their stories were about to be told by countless humans? ]
But I don't think I could ask for a greater narrator.
[ He leans in to kiss him, sweet but brief. His head settles onto Jaskier's shoulder afterward and he stares across the living room, so much racing through his mind. ]
I'm terrified, Jas. I'm terrified because the more I love you, the more I have to lose and the more you love me, the more you put a target on your back. Because there is someone from my world....if he ever walked through those hotel doors, he would not hesitate to ruin everything good so he can continue telling my story the way he wants it told.
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[He doesn't answer Tech's question though about what others will think. Mostly because Jaskier can't honestly predict that. The reactions he gets to all his music is always varied. There's equal measure skepticism and ardent belief that always comes in the wake of his music. Then there are always those who fall somewhere in the middle, willing to believe insomuch it seems a nice escape, but never quite allowing themselves to fully believe. Still, regardless, Jaskier doesn't think it ultimately changes really the point of it, which matters far more than any reaction the song might stir. Because the heart he wanted to move, the one he wanted to feel stir with that renewed sense of self, that recognition of worth and goodness? He's already managed that. Even if minutes from now Tech doesn't hold onto it, he had it for a moment. That's something.]
[Jaskier returns the kiss Tech gives him, just as gentle and sweet, and rests his head on Tech's once it comes to rest on his shoulder. Fingertips trace slow designs and patterns between Tech's shoulder blades as he parts with his hidden anxiety. Tech's spoken about his world before, of course, but it's never been particularly detailed. Jaskier initially wasn't sure if it was because Tech thought Jaskier wouldn't understand enough and it would take too much to have to explain the minutia, or if he simply wanted to avoid thinking about it as much as possible. But with more time, Jaskier's suspected it was the latter and it was that juvenile thought that everyone was guilty of at some point or another that if one simply squeezed their eyes shut and refused to acknowledge something, it could never possibly reach out to them.]
That's not the first time I've heard something like that.
[Jaskier almost says a little more specifically where he's heard it from before, but he stops himself before the words can leave him. But he can still picture it clearly in his head. Geralt, mid-bath and still working out the grime and selkiemore out of his hair and on his skin, averting his gaze for just the briefest of seconds when Jaskier made the suggestion that someone could someday want him. The loneliness in Geralt had always been plain to Jaskier, but always out of assumption rather than anything Geralt ever said or did in their time together. But then, in that moment, it had never more apparent to Jaskier just how much the witcher's accepted solitude had been imposed upon him. Even after the walls came back up and Geralt declared he never wanted anyone to need him, and Jaskier knew. Gods, he knew before, but...]
[But not here. Not now. Not with Tech. Even if the point was there is some validity in that assumption that connection, that love creates vulnerabilities because that's how Geralt had survived for as long as he had, that's not the point that would be felt. And Jaskier won't do that. He won't have given Tech this feeling only to rob him off it by creating an opportunity for a comparison that should never be.]
[He kisses the top of Tech's head then, leaving the story behind to focus more on the point instead.]
It's not entirely wrong, I suppose. Loving anyone means there's always a chance someone could take advantage of a vulnerability. [Whether that's the person you've come to love or another. There's always that chance it could go poorly, ending in heartbreak and resentment.] But love isn't just a risk.
[Jaskier lifts his head then, one of his hands moving to Tech's face to turn his gaze from the living room back to him.]
I don't think it's far-fetched for you to worry that if he ever came here, he would stop at nothing to try and ruin everything and control you again. But, darling, he couldn't do that to you. Not now. Not ever again. Because love has made you so much stronger, braver, and more powerful than he could ever imagine you to be. That isn't for him to take.
[Even if it isn't by Tech's own power to stand up for himself, Jaskier knows without a doubt that the people who love him wouldn't allow for that repetition of history to happen. He crooks a light, teasing smile.]
Well, I should perhaps make an amendment to my earlier statement that he would try. If Ava doesn't string him up first, he would try. And also assuming Yennefer doesn't skin him alive after that before allowing Ava another go at him. [He hums thoughtfully.] You know, now that I'm thinking about it a bit more, I don't think he'd have the opportunity between the two of them alone.
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He shakes his head in violent protest and sits up suddenly. This isn't some kind of story. The good guys don't always win. The people who have something to fight for don't always win. Optimism can't chase away the truth. Where Mr. World is concerned, there is no happily ever after. ]
No. You don't understand. He always says love doesn't make the world go around. It's fear. And he controls that fear. He can get in your head, he can see everything. He can be anyone. He can destroy you from the inside before you even realize you're being destroyed. I thought I was seizing control of my own life, but I just played into his trap because he knows what moves you're going to make before you make them. And now, what awaits me back in my world is a very literal cage in a place no one knows about where he can siphon my power for all of eternity.
[ Tech's hand helplessly curls around Jaskier's shirt -- gripping with a quiet desperation for, what? He doesn't know. For Jaskier to stay, for Jaskier to listen to him, for Jaskier to maybe even find a solution....even though he knows it's not necessarily something he can solve. His brows furrow. ]
He told me he loved me. He told me I was like a son to him, that he cared for me most of all -- of all the other gods. And his words were everything I'd ever wanted to hear after doing horrible things for him or to impress him and letting him do horrible things to me. I know I should have known better. But I was so desperate to be loved that I bought his bullshit. And then he locked me up. He had the key to all of my forgotten memories, he let me touch it -- to have just a flash of a taste of who I've always been before he destroyed it right in front of me.
[ He bows his head. He thinks of Jaskier's song, of that real sort of love and it at least casts an anchor -- keeps him with Jaskier rather than floating away fully into his fear. ]
It's not very likely he'll show up. I know that.
[ His fist uncurls so his hand can lie flat against Jaskier's chest. ]
But I just want you aware, there is a risk in being involved with me.
[ For as much as Tech believes in World's view regarding the power of fear, he can't diminish the power of love. He won't let World ruin this. He won't let World have this moment for long. Jaskier's song was wonderful. It was powerful. And for as much as it moved Tech, for as much as it hurt with its healing message, it had also stirred up the old wounds -- the origin of his pain, the one that planted the seeds of distrust and hatred inside him, the reason he never felt he was worth anything. Because oh had World often made him feel like a failure, that nothing he did was ever good enough.
But now, a different man sits before him. A man he is good enough for. An almost too-good-to-be-true sort of man. Jaskier has likely had countless muses, and they all likely appreciated his songs to varying degrees. But were Jaskier's songs to any of them ever a light in the darkness? Were any of them a rope thrown down into a dark pit? Were any of them a salvation? ]
It really does mean everything to me, you know. That you wrote this. It's not just a song. It's a masterpiece -- your use of the simple melody to paint the story, building upon it and making it more complex as it went on tells more of a story at times than your words. Your talent is in a class all its own and I just. It truly is an honor. To be loved by you. Jaskier the Bard.
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[It's like a splash of icy water to the face what Tech says at the end of his explanation of how much Jaskier doesn't know and doesn't understand. Tech's made it plain he has no desire to return to his home. He's never really beat around the bush in explaining how little free will he would likely have if he were to ever return, and it's never been unclear to Jaskier how easily he is made and unmade in his own world by the advancement of technology and constant ambitions of the humans who worship him. But he's never said this. He's never—]
[He barely hears what Tech says next. His thoughts swirl, attention pinpointed on the hand fisted in his shirt in unspoken, unfamiliar desperation. It's the hand of a drowning man so close to sinking into the black waters that are flooding his vision and lungs. A final plea as the noose is tightened and the rope begins to creak. A futile attempt against what feels like an inevitable end as hope begins to dim and fade. Kaiba left his fair share of scars. Monika did, too. But nothing like this. And Jaskier's heart breaks. It breaks and it twists itself in anger, too, because even now this person still has a hold on Tech. More than anyone else, he makes Tech doubt himself, the people around him. Makes him question the good that comes into his life, expecting it to always hurt again and again and again. That everything is a trick or an illusion. That if you don't have total control, there's nothing.]
[He put all that fear into Tech's heart. No, not fear. Terror. Paralyzing and rending all at once, and intoxicating in a way as Tech simply believes with little question that he is small and he is weak. And Tech shall never be anything more than what Tech already is, which by his design is believed to be nothing.]
[Some part of Jaskier wishes this person would end up here so that it could tear someone apart who actually deserved it. Let him know what feels like to be made small and terrified and believe that nothing shall ever be enough because he knows his suffering has no end in sight. Let him be the one chained to the rock, perpetually having his liver devoured viciously by a great bird until the end of time itself. Let him know what it is to have hope within reach, to extend his hand towards that light only to have it torn from him. To have that distinct, unending sting and ache of betrayal wounding him again and again as everything he's ever believed in turns to ash in his mouth.]
[Jaskier smiles faintly at the praise as Tech delivers it. It's the sort of reflexive smile that curves his lips, but doesn't reach his eyes. Tech has moved forward (or is making a good show of having moved forward), but Jaskier isn't there at all. His mind is returning back to the thought of what waits for Tech if he were to ever end up back in his own world. So, he really doesn't even hear any of Tech's words. He just knows from the tone in Tech's voice, the relaxing of fingers against his chest, that he's speaking kindly to and of Jaskier.]
You could come to my world. [He shakes his head a little, holding up the hand that was on Tech's cheek a moment ago to have Tech pause before he says anything and let Jaskier clarify first. He knows he just blurted it out without any sort of preamble, disconnected from whatever it was that Tech was saying just a moment ago.] I mean, I'm not advocating that it be your first choice. I know my world is vastly different from your world and Ava's, and you would both no doubt find it absolutely fucking miserable because of that.
[He takes the hand at his chest into his own, squeezing it lightly.]
But if you can't find anything else that would suit the two of you better, consider it a backup plan. [There's a flicker of a smile.] For a worst-case scenario.
[Because gods, he can't see Ava and Tech ever really choosing the Continent over any other world. Technologically, Jaskier doesn't think Ava would complain—because she seems to be the last person to ever complain realistically—but she wouldn't necessarily be pleased at the loss of some luxuries. And it absolutely wouldn't suit Tech at all. Gods only know how it would affect him to be in a place that hasn't begun to harness electricity. Which. That actually also opens up a whole host of questions about the pantheons of Jaskier's world and their legitimacy when introducing a bonafide god into their potential midsts. But then there are the uglier parts of the Continent to contend with, too. The hate bred by cowardly, power-hungry men with the constant beating of the drums of war serves as a terrible backdrop to the already inherent dangers of the sort of life that Jaskier leads. Not that Jaskier would ever force either one of them to get wrapped up in any of that, of course. Some people have enough sense to steer clear of witchers. In fact, the majority of people on the Continent do. But still, the world is a messy and complicated place for someone who doesn't already consider it home and hadn't any chance to experience its splendors before such dark times began to fall and he knows the adjustment would be immensely difficult for them both. Optimistic as Jaskier is, he can't pretend that wouldn't be the case.]
[But it's better than what is waiting for Tech in his own world. It has to be. Even if he finds everything else disagreeable, there's freedom there for him on the Continent. A chance to be whoever and whatever he wants to be where he needn't prove his worth because it's already a given that he is deserving of all that love. Where he will always be something and someone, and never made to feel afraid or small like that again.]
You both could come home with me.
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There's a resurgence of tears in his eyes, but this time it's not a broken sort of emotion. He's touched. So much so, he can't find his words right away. Tech doesn't have any real protests. Jaskier had covered those by acknowledging his world would be miserable for him and Ava. Instead, he tries to come up with all the reasons it would be the perfect world. A list that still falls short with one single pro.
Jaskier. ]
I don't think of it as the worst case scenario. There is one very big draw.
[ Tech resettles beside Jaskier, his arm slipping around his stomach. ]
It just becomes complicated because of what I am.
[ His index finger stirs idly across Jaskier's chest and he watches the gesture, absent and lost in quiet thought. ]
There's this story of a Little Mermaid who saved a prince from drowning and fell in love. She struck a deal with a sea witch and gave up her fins and her voice just for the chance to be with him. Even though the curse of her legs was feeling like she was walking on knives with every step, she did it all for the prince she loved with all of her heart. But because she had no voice, she couldn't tell him she rescued him and he eventually came to believe it was another woman who saved him and fell in love with her instead. Her story doesn't exactly have a happy ending, but her story isn't our story.
[ He nestles his head against Jaskier's chest. ]
If I went to your world, there's a chance I would have to find a way to sacrifice my godhood and become nothing more than a normal, mortal being. Would you still love me if there was no longer anything extraordinary about me? Even if you didn't remember all of what we had gone through here? Even if I couldn't ever possibly explain it in a way that wouldn't make me come across as batshit insane, so you would never know the ways I helped and the things I'd done or the songs you wrote?
[ His eyes drift toward the lute on the table. Another thing that would be lost to them. ]
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[So, he thinks nothing in particular of Tech's quiet. He assumes it's just a moment for Tech to compose himself again after yet another wave of emotion—even if this time, it had been far kinder, less painful than the one preceding it. And he's happy to provide him that space, to settle back down once more. But then he brings up the story and Jaskier knows Tech isn't just sharing this randomly. He never does because he knows stories to be more or less a second language for Jaskier. So, even if he may lack the showmanship and theatrics that Jaskier possesses, they still command Jaskier's attention as though they do in anticipation of an important point to be made.]
[Tech rests his head against Jaskier's chest and he brings a hand up to massage gently at his scalp as he runs his fingers through Tech's hair. Privately he agrees with Tech that her fate would not be theirs. But he knows Tech wouldn't have brought it up if there hadn't been some concern for it, if it truly didn't seem at all possible. And it seems Jaskier is at least a little correct in that assumption as Tech asks if there is still a possibility of them if Tech is little more than human and Jaskier doesn't remember.]
Bit of a shit deal to give all that up for a viscount instead of a prince, [Jaskier says, huffing a small laugh, displacing his discomfort and unease with the notion with humor.] Worse yet, a viscount of a place most couldn't even point out on a map.
[Because really, the question for Jaskier is not whether or not he could love Tech again. He knows he would. He knows that even if he could never summon a single memory of their time together in this place, Jaskier would always find all the reasons in the world to love him. Because he doesn't love Tech for what he is, but who he is. And being a god is such small piece to that beautiful whole that is Tech that taking it away could never cause Jaskier to overlook him.]
[The question really is could Tech be happy? Jaskier could think of no greater privilege than to have Tech live out his life with Jaskier. To share a bed each night, talking until neither one of them can keep their eyes open any longer. To squabble over foolish things like spending habits or nicking food off each other's plates at the end of a long day. To make love just as often when there seems to be nothing else to do as when they feel so helplessly smitten with the other. To see the whole of the Continent over and over again until they're too old and fat to travel reliably any longer. To have countless songs to regale Tech with warm nostalgia as they look back on their time together and see it as having been an incredible journey and lives well-spent. It all seems like a dream. Far too good to be possibly real.]
[But it has its drawbacks. Tech would know the fragility of mortal life. He would know injury and illness as well as aches like hunger, thirst, and exhaustion. He would inevitably come to know what it is to age, when one's mind and body no longer work as they once did. And he would, no doubt, know intimately that feeling of never having enough time for all he wants to accomplish even with the knowledge he's lived a good life.]
[And he would remember so much of this on his own. Sure, Ava would be there as well, and there would be things she would know that they could no doubt share and reminiscence over in private. But these moments, these words and things shared just between Tech and Jaskier? They would be for him to carry alone because the person who was there couldn't remember. It was as though it never happened.]
[It pains Jaskier to think of those parts. And it worries him, too. Much as Jaskier envisions and hopes for such a bright, happy future, he knows there's the possibility of resentment. What if there comes a time where Tech decides it hadn't been worth it? What if he came to believe that no amount of good possibly outweighed the hardships he faced either as a mortal or as the only one who remembered? What if he regretted that choice every day for the rest of his life? Jaskier... Well, he can't predict how he would react or feel without the memories of their time together here, but he knows sitting here and now on Tech's couch, that would kill him. He'd never be able to forgive himself for putting Tech through that, robbing him of something like so many others before him had and truly being his undoing.]
[Jaskier worries his lower lip a moment, gaze drifting towards the mural on the wall. Is there the possibility that he's wrong? Could it be that he isn't leading Tech towards any sort of freedom, but simply changing the look of his cage? He's quiet as he contemplates those questions far more than Tech's, weighing it all out. He's quiet long enough that he knows he's lapsed into more than a pause at this point and he feels a touch self-conscious and guilty for it. Those were important questions that Tech asked, and he's left him without an immediate answer. But then he remembers his own words, and he feels a bit foolish.]
[Love is a risk. But it's powerful, too. And if Jaskier could always find his way back to loving Tech, then surely... Surely, they can find their happy ending.]
There's a reason I didn't make any mention of you being a god of technology in your song beyond that it wouldn't exactly fit. Don't get me wrong, those things you do to me in bed? You really undersold the experience of sleeping with a god to me. Frankly, I should be a little cross with you for not properly preparing me for all that, [he says, teasing a little as an apology for his earlier quiet.] But I don't love you because you're a god, Tech. I love you.
If this place were to strip you of all you can do and be as a god tomorrow, I would love you just as much then as I do right now. And if I were to never be able to retain a single memory of you so that each day it would be as though I were meeting you for the first time, I would still fall in love with you before each day was through.
[He pauses there because that was the easy part since it was never in question. What is to come next he knows he's infusing with an optimism that Tech could just as easily reject as the previous. And maybe that would cement Tech's decision against it, and maybe that would be for the best. But... Jaskier would rather it be Tech chose something better for him, not because he was so certain love couldn't overcome even Destiny.]
But Tech, I will always want you to choose your happiness above all else. Even if it isn't with me. And I'm not saying that looking for reassurances that you're happy with me now or that you possibly could in the future. [Jaskier shakes his head a little.] That's not what I'm talking about.
Whatever world or life you choose, love, I want it to be what you want. [He stops the movements of his fingers in Tech's hair, moving his hand away from his head entirely to simply hold him.] And I can't and won't pretend like I wouldn't be immensely sad if I wasn't part of that life you make for yourself, but this can still be gift enough. Knowing and loving you, even in the event that I forget it all... Oh, darling, it wouldn't take anything away from it, from us. My mind might forget, but I don't think my heart ever could. I simply wouldn't know how lucky I was is all. Part of me would still love you even if I never realized it.
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Hopeless. Like most of his life. His stirring hand ceases, stilling. And he lies there in his private despair until Jaskier finally breaks his silence -- the warmth of his voice reverberating through his chest. Jaskier puts to rest his doubts about the love part and Tech shrinks against him, burrowing his face into his side -- not to hide from it necessarily but more from the guilt of thinking Jaskier would only continue the pattern that had marked his life. Loving someone and not being enough for that someone. In a partially digitized mind, he's always looking for clean answers to every problem -- a definitive solution, like in this case the logistics of how he could possibly make Jaskier fall in love with him again. The thing is, he doesn't have to find a solution alone. Because he and Jaskier have music. And if Tech could just play for him, their music would transcend memories -- their music would connect them again. He wouldn't lose his ability to play simply because he gave up being a god.
There would be something incredible about the impossibility of their story. How against all odds they found each other. How love truly did transcend time and space. And while Tech would have to learn what it meant to be a human, he did have a taste of it. Once he went to an island in hell and his powers were completely gone. And while there was an initial horror, he still adapted because he always would -- used his bare hands to make perfect stone tools because that knowledge would always be part of him no matter what. And in a world with few technological advances, he could be an inventor -- he could possibly bring them their first light bulb. Or if they weren't ready for it, something else. The automaton who could write a message all on his own.
Hope bubbles in his chest because this is a future -- a bright future. And he could live it to the fullest with Jaskier and Ava. He could live a good life. He could choose how he died and not let it be the world's choice or World's choice. There would be no reviving, but that's okay. It's okay because he would have found the truest of love with two people who are perfect for him. There could be no better after them. ]
No matter what I ultimately decide, you are always going to be a part of that future. And you lay out a very compelling argument here. The thought of getting more time with you, filling my days and nights with you...I think that could definitely be a happily ever after. But...
[ Because for as wonderful as things would be, there is a but. ]
If I went back with you, I couldn't honor my promise to tell your story. We'd be living it together and the worlds would never get to know you. And while I'm more than willing to say fuck it for a chance to have more time with you, you aren't the sort of person who should ever be forgotten. Your legacy should be timeless, finding new generations to love you the way I got to love you.
[ Tech closes his eyes. This becomes the dilemma. This becomes the thing he needs to think about, the thing that makes the decision a bit more complicated. ]
I'll think it over, though. I promise. And what I decide will be what I think will make me the happiest. Because both decisions, you get to be a part of it with me. Just in very different ways.
[ He leans up, pressing a kiss to the edge of Jaskier's jaw. ]
Thank you, songbird. For loving me. And letting me love you. And for this amazing song.
[ He places his chin on his hands and smiles brightly at him. ]
Can I hear it again? You can do it a capella if you don't wanna move and get your lute.
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[So, he won't tell Tech which is the right one to choose. He sticks to his words that he wants it to be Tech's choice and what he wants. Not what he's been convinced or told to want. All that means is Jaskier had best continue making those videos as often as possible should Tech choose his legacy. So he can be with Tech for as long and as often as possible. Every day.]
[Jaskier huffs a laugh at the request to hear the song, the sound just as much amused as it is pleased. He's happy Tech likes it so much to want to hear it again so soon. And, of course, proud and pleased with his own songwriting that he was able to capture something so phenomenal, so utterly inspiring as Tech's life thus far. And he's so glad, the happiest he's been in a while, that it took away Tech's doubts about them. That there was a soothing answer to all the questions about the reality and permanency of Jaskier's feelings. That his love can be something that doesn't have to hurt.]
You can hear it as few or as many times as you want to hear it. And if you never wanted another person to hear it, then not a soul would ever hear it save you. It's your song, Tech. [He kisses Tech's forehead.] To do with as you please.
[That's not the usual sort of thing that Jaskier would offer. Even with lovers of the past, Jaskier never really surrendered that much control over the songs he wrote to and about them regardless of just how personal they got. None of his subjects ever have had any sort of ability to stop Jaskier from performing any song in his repertoire. Gods, if Geralt knew... Well, Jaskier would hear the end of it because it would just be a sour look perhaps coupled with a grunt, and then nothing further. But still. Jaskier would be stuck perseverating on the look and the potential grunt for a long time after! But Jaskier is willing to part with such control to Tech because he knows how few opportunities throughout his long life he's been afforded that sort of control over anything.]
[...And, okay, maybe Jaskier is also quite confident Tech won't have a problem with it. It's a really good fucking song! Who wouldn't want Jaskier singing it from the rooftops? They'd have to be mad.]
[Keeping his hold on Tech, Jaskier leans forward in the direction of his lute.]
Hand it to me, will you, love? You're closer.
[Considering he's more than confident he could play his lute blindfolded, upside down, and behind his back, Jaskier's confident he can play it with Tech still nestled in close and occupying his lap. Besides, he's noticed how mindful Tech is of the lute, looking at it as though it might shatter should he so much as place a single fingertip on it. The care is appreciated given how precious the lute is to Jaskier with all of its history and memories, but it is a little excessive on Tech's part to be frightened that he might ruin it so easily. So, Jaskier thinks Tech ought to get a little more acquainted with her. Feel the weight of her in his own lap and watch her being played from a different perspective than some untouchable, sacred object and as an extension of Jaskier instead. And who knows? Perhaps Tech will feel comfortable and brave enough to have his own hand on the strings someday, strumming as Jaskier presses chords along the neck at least until Tech's fingers begin feeling a bit sore. But for now, this ought to be enough.]
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It's a lot. Overwhelming almost. Overwhelming -- a word that can easily apply to every encounter with Jaskier. Simultaneously effortless and poignant. But in this specific case, Tech went from never expecting a song to now having one and having the choice of what to do with it. It's part of the reason he wants to hear it again only minutes after it being performed -- so he can listen without the fog of realization that he was the subject matter clouding it out or the pain of his entire reality being drawn out like a twisted, gnarled splinter embedded deep under skin. He will probably still cry, but this time more from being moved than all of those ugly hurts being unlocked. And the more he hears it, the less it will hurt....and maybe the more he will be ready to be in Jaskier's presence as he sings it for others.
Because this was what he always wanted, wasn't it? For the world to just notice him. And through Jaskier's song, perhaps they finally could.
His eyes close as Jaskier's lips meet his forehead, remaining closed until he pulls back and requests the lute. Tech turns to glance at the instrument on the table and then looks back at Jaskier uncertainly. Is he sure?
Naturally, Tech handled the lute before. He had to in order to bring it home. And it sat like an art piece on his couch as he went out into the ruins and dug through the rubble slab by slab for days to find a guitar case. Jaskier highlighted how delicate the lute was and how "she" was to be treated, so he took painstaking care to find something to house it in. And when he found a suitable case, he left the guitar behind in the old high school music room. The dirt and debris (remnants of a perfect life fallen apart) were cleaned from the case. And when it was worthy of Jaskier's most precious friend, Tech laid the lute in a bed of velvet as though it were glass, gently wiping his fingerprints from the headstock with a dry cloth. And then slowly, carefully he hid this secret in his closet, nestled on a cushion of lesser worn clothing where it would remain until the next set of hands to fall on it were the hands of someone who never thought this reunion would be possible, broken as she was in his world.
Tech had been careful not to touch the lute since, not even necessarily conscious of his evasion until Jaskier requests him to get it now. But Jaskier gives him permission and it would be weird to question him on it. Tech sucks in a deep breath as he leans forward to pick up the instrument, making absolutely certain his hands are steady as he brings it to Jaskier and as soon as it's within Jaskier's reach, he hands it off and takes his hands away like a game of hot potato -- it'll burn if he touches it too long. This is something precious to Jaskier and Tech has a tendency to ruin things, so he'd rather not up the likelihood of it happening by holding it too long.
His eyes trail from the lute up to meet Jaskier's eyes and then they flit back down. His thoughts from earlier dance to the forefront of his mind, and he tilts his head, lowering his voice to a near whisper -- as though this was a secret just for them and even the walls weren't allowed to hear. ]
When was it you knew you wanted to write a song for me?
[ Because wouldn't that also answer the other question he'd pondered -- when had Jaskier fallen in love with him? Was there a certain moment? Or did it simply happen like the changing of a season, one day the flowers opened for spring and so, too, did Jaskier come to realize he loved Tech enough to immortalize that in music. ]
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The day we met.
[It would perhaps be easy to assume the answer isn't an honest one. After all, love at first sight is a bit absurd when brought from story to reality. It seems the sort of thing that someone would tease as an answer before offering up the honest one. But Jaskier looks back at Tech, gaze not drifting away from his eyes with an earnestness that can only be taken as genuine. Because it wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it may as well have been with the proximity between Jaskier beginning to feel something for Tech and their meeting.]
That song I sang for you had fallen out of my usual sets for quite some time. I've written far better since I wrote it and, well... [Jaskier shakes his head a little. There's no need for him to bring all of that up now to answer Tech's question.] It's not a song I would have picked quite honestly had you not played that song for me. But it felt...right.
[For the first time in a very long time.]
So, I wanted to give something back to you.
[Jaskier never thanked Tech for all his pointers or tidbits about Penance when they first met. Not really. He hardly even acknowledged them by comparison. But what he did thank Tech for was the music. Because even if Tech hadn't known, even if that hadn't been his intention, the end result had been that Jaskier felt something he hadn't in quite some time in singing that song for Tech. It was as much a connection between Tech and Jaskier as it was with Jaskier and himself. But the latter couldn't have happened without the former. Not then. Not when Jaskier needed it most. And so, it made that connection to Tech all the more important even if Jaskier's part in Tech's life and vice versa still seemed so incredibly ambiguous.]
I just didn't know what shape or form the song would take just yet. [Jaskier crooks a smile then as he teases a little.] I had ideas, of course, because what is a god of technology if not an endless font of inspiration for something new.
[He keeps his hold on the lute's neck, but his other hand drifts to Tech's to bring it to his lips and press kisses to his fingertips.]
But I still didn't know. [Jaskier releases Tech's hand to caress his face instead, thumb stroking gently at his cheek.] Not until you played for me.
[And it was then that Jaskier saw that beautiful person past all the bluster and pageantry of being a god. There was a person who loved so deeply and fiercely even despite how often it tended to hurt and rob him of so much. He was brave and beautiful, and he was so authentically himself, and Jaskier knew he wanted to capture that. Not whatever impressions he or someone else might have, not whatever designs or hopes, but exactly as he was. Someone brave enough to try again and again when others most likely would have broken and succumbed entirely to their bitterness and cruelty.]
[Jaskier leans in to kiss Tech sweetly then, lingering there for a moment or two before parting. His thumb traces Tech's lips when they part, Jaskier's smile soft and warm as he looks at this brilliant man that he loves in quiet awe. It turns to teasing then as he gently pokes the tip of Tech's nose with his index finger.]
I'd say it's a surprise you didn't notice on your own that I was serious about writing you a song from the beginning, but you also didn't even have a clue I wasn't struggling with a song at all, so! A keen sense of observation is not one of your abilities, is it? Or are you just too distracted by how beautiful I am at all times to notice? [He winks before pressing a kiss to Tech's cheek as he starts playing the introduction to his song.] We'll say it's the latter and spare you the embarassment if anyone asks.
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His eyes linger on the lute resting on his lap. Maybe that was the moment Tech fell in love. When he swore he would get Jaskier's lute back for him and then, well, did it. He looks up again when his hand is taken, watching Jaskier plant these small kisses on his knuckles. In those subtle and tiny gestures of affection, Tech loves Jaskier the most. His whole life had been spent starved of affection, keeping to himself, isolated and alone. Jaskier doesn't hesitate to touch him and Tech trusts him to. His trusts Jaskier's hands to always be tender. He trusts calloused fingertips to know him in ways no one else ever really has. Even though it opens him up to be hurt in many ways, it's a relief to finally find someone in all of the world and in all of Penance he can trust so freely.
And Tech found two people like that. He truly is lucky.
A smile curves when Jaskier touches his face and speaks of his playing. Tech leans into it, not so subtly soaking up the warmth of that hand on his cheek. And then he returns the kiss that follows, lashes flicking open as lips purse a peck to the thumb tracing them. Then Jaskier shifts gears and pokes his nose, ruining all that romance. Tech scoffs and bats his hand away like shooing a pesky fly. ]
I didn't think I was worth a song!
[ He protests in jest as the reason he didn't notice, but then the truth and sadness of those words dawn on him. He really hadn't thought he was worth a song. He spent all that time rationalizing reasons why Jaskier wouldn't write one for him or about him, he never stopped to see the truth or piece together the puzzle that pointed to the opposite of his beliefs. Gods could be and often were wrong. He'll own that. He should have paid more attention or been less self-deluded. And more than that, he should have just trusted Jaskier's love.
But trust is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Especially not when the music box has been so damaged. He watches Jaskier play, memorizing the positioning of his fingers and rather than give him the opportunity to stop the momentum of the song or further comfort and coddle him, Tech shakes his head to add: ]
But I'm starting to...
[ Starting to see his worth, starting to see how he could inspire, starting to accept that someone could love him enough to write something from the heart. Monika had before Jaskier -- she wrote him countless poems that he dismissed as just cute little gestures and ways she expressed her romantic inclinations. He didn't let her poems sink in the way Jaskier's song did, and after his and Monika's volatile end, he wrote her works all off as bullshit. But maybe it would be a good idea to revisit them now because he still has them. All of them. He couldn't bear to throw them away even if the angry part of him wanted to -- wanted to rip all of Monika's existence out of his life. But maybe now, going back and reading her words, he could find something of value within him -- the good parts that inspired her, not the bad parts that destroyed her. And maybe now, he can find a way to be all the good parts -- to be all that Jaskier believes he can be.
So for now, Tech settles in to listen again, to receive this private and personal concert. And in spite of how the tears touch his eyes, he smiles his way through it this time. Tech only wishes Jaskier had spent more time on his part in it. Yes, the song is about the music box. Yes, Jaskier has made it known that he's the one telling the story and his feelings about said music box. But something gets a little lost because Jaskier fails to mention he's the final piece in putting it all back together -- restoring it to something far better than it could have been without him. Jaskier is the crank, the wind up dial in the back, the key. Without him, Tech would never have been able to be more than simply a music box. Without him, all the pieces might have been put back together by Ava, but he still couldn't play.
He wipes the tears from his eyes with a single swipe of his index finger on each side, and in the conclusion, when Jaskier sets the lute aside -- Tech kisses him. He kisses him and he doesn't stop until they've entangled themselves in lovemaking for the entire rest of the day. Often times, Tech could take sex or leave it. After their initial coupling, it had been pretty infrequent because he figures Jaskier can get sex from elsewhere. Tech also can't shake the feeling that he's doing something he shouldn't be -- that he's being selfish and should allow Jaskier and Ava time to get here first. But in the face of such overwhelming love, Tech can think of nothing else but a desire to be close to him -- as close as two people possibly can be. And Tech loves him, over and over again until they're both absolutely and pleasantly spent.
There would be more songs. Tech knows this now. He also knows a bard is supposed to be more of a witness rather than an active participant in their music for the most part. But if Jaskier wants to share everything, then he can share in the story. This story is theirs to tell together. A duet. And if Jaskier doesn't want to sing his part, well then....Tech will tell it in his own way, through his own music. A song without lyrics can be just as telling and emotional as one with words. And through Tech's song maybe, finally, this little music box can write its own music. It had permission to shatter the rules, yes, but it was still kept within certain parameters -- still forced to compose in the style of Bach. Jaskier is and has always been Tech's key to the freedom he's always craved.
If only he can just be brave enough to try.... ]