[ It was a stupid question, Tech tells himself in Jaskier's silence. Even if a viscount would absolutely be worth the trade-off and a world renowned bard even moreso, how could Jaskier honestly answer if he could love him again? Tech doesn't even know how love happened between them in the first place, not enough to be able to repeat it. It was like one day they met and the next they were in love, and there was no magic moment -- nothing he could define and pin down as the moment it happened. Especially not on Jaskier's end. All he knew was the moment Tech knew he loved him, Jaskier was there with him -- a process that happened together. If he was the only one who carried love alone, how would he get Jaskier to return his affection? Come on too strong, risk pushing him away. Come on not strong enough, and run the risk of being dismissed as just another fan of his music.
Hopeless. Like most of his life. His stirring hand ceases, stilling. And he lies there in his private despair until Jaskier finally breaks his silence -- the warmth of his voice reverberating through his chest. Jaskier puts to rest his doubts about the love part and Tech shrinks against him, burrowing his face into his side -- not to hide from it necessarily but more from the guilt of thinking Jaskier would only continue the pattern that had marked his life. Loving someone and not being enough for that someone. In a partially digitized mind, he's always looking for clean answers to every problem -- a definitive solution, like in this case the logistics of how he could possibly make Jaskier fall in love with him again. The thing is, he doesn't have to find a solution alone. Because he and Jaskier have music. And if Tech could just play for him, their music would transcend memories -- their music would connect them again. He wouldn't lose his ability to play simply because he gave up being a god.
There would be something incredible about the impossibility of their story. How against all odds they found each other. How love truly did transcend time and space. And while Tech would have to learn what it meant to be a human, he did have a taste of it. Once he went to an island in hell and his powers were completely gone. And while there was an initial horror, he still adapted because he always would -- used his bare hands to make perfect stone tools because that knowledge would always be part of him no matter what. And in a world with few technological advances, he could be an inventor -- he could possibly bring them their first light bulb. Or if they weren't ready for it, something else. The automaton who could write a message all on his own.
Hope bubbles in his chest because this is a future -- a bright future. And he could live it to the fullest with Jaskier and Ava. He could live a good life. He could choose how he died and not let it be the world's choice or World's choice. There would be no reviving, but that's okay. It's okay because he would have found the truest of love with two people who are perfect for him. There could be no better after them. ]
No matter what I ultimately decide, you are always going to be a part of that future. And you lay out a very compelling argument here. The thought of getting more time with you, filling my days and nights with you...I think that could definitely be a happily ever after. But...
[ Because for as wonderful as things would be, there is a but. ]
If I went back with you, I couldn't honor my promise to tell your story. We'd be living it together and the worlds would never get to know you. And while I'm more than willing to say fuck it for a chance to have more time with you, you aren't the sort of person who should ever be forgotten. Your legacy should be timeless, finding new generations to love you the way I got to love you.
[ Tech closes his eyes. This becomes the dilemma. This becomes the thing he needs to think about, the thing that makes the decision a bit more complicated. ]
I'll think it over, though. I promise. And what I decide will be what I think will make me the happiest. Because both decisions, you get to be a part of it with me. Just in very different ways.
[ He leans up, pressing a kiss to the edge of Jaskier's jaw. ]
Thank you, songbird. For loving me. And letting me love you. And for this amazing song.
[ He places his chin on his hands and smiles brightly at him. ]
Can I hear it again? You can do it a capella if you don't wanna move and get your lute.
[There is a part of Jaskier that's tempted to tell Tech to forget the promise. Especially when he's already voicing that there's no small part of him that doesn't want to already just for that opportunity of more time together. But Jaskier makes no appeals to that part of Tech despite how much he would like to because he knows it's important to Tech. He's known that from the beginning, the moment Tech asked who would be responsible for telling Jaskier's story, it was deeply important to Tech that some part of Jaskier is able to grasp and hold onto immortality of a kind. And sure, there is some degree of excitement to the idea. Who wouldn't be thrilled at the notion that their life's work can not only far exceed their own lifetime, but be permanently tied to them? But it's not Jaskier's priority in the end. The longer-lasting mark he wants to leave in the world differs despite the trappings of his ego. But it's important to Tech, and that matters just as much if not more in some ways.]
[So, he won't tell Tech which is the right one to choose. He sticks to his words that he wants it to be Tech's choice and what he wants. Not what he's been convinced or told to want. All that means is Jaskier had best continue making those videos as often as possible should Tech choose his legacy. So he can be with Tech for as long and as often as possible. Every day.]
[Jaskier huffs a laugh at the request to hear the song, the sound just as much amused as it is pleased. He's happy Tech likes it so much to want to hear it again so soon. And, of course, proud and pleased with his own songwriting that he was able to capture something so phenomenal, so utterly inspiring as Tech's life thus far. And he's so glad, the happiest he's been in a while, that it took away Tech's doubts about them. That there was a soothing answer to all the questions about the reality and permanency of Jaskier's feelings. That his love can be something that doesn't have to hurt.]
You can hear it as few or as many times as you want to hear it. And if you never wanted another person to hear it, then not a soul would ever hear it save you. It's your song, Tech. [He kisses Tech's forehead.] To do with as you please.
[That's not the usual sort of thing that Jaskier would offer. Even with lovers of the past, Jaskier never really surrendered that much control over the songs he wrote to and about them regardless of just how personal they got. None of his subjects ever have had any sort of ability to stop Jaskier from performing any song in his repertoire. Gods, if Geralt knew... Well, Jaskier would hear the end of it because it would just be a sour look perhaps coupled with a grunt, and then nothing further. But still. Jaskier would be stuck perseverating on the look and the potential grunt for a long time after! But Jaskier is willing to part with such control to Tech because he knows how few opportunities throughout his long life he's been afforded that sort of control over anything.]
[...And, okay, maybe Jaskier is also quite confident Tech won't have a problem with it. It's a really good fucking song! Who wouldn't want Jaskier singing it from the rooftops? They'd have to be mad.]
[Keeping his hold on Tech, Jaskier leans forward in the direction of his lute.]
Hand it to me, will you, love? You're closer.
[Considering he's more than confident he could play his lute blindfolded, upside down, and behind his back, Jaskier's confident he can play it with Tech still nestled in close and occupying his lap. Besides, he's noticed how mindful Tech is of the lute, looking at it as though it might shatter should he so much as place a single fingertip on it. The care is appreciated given how precious the lute is to Jaskier with all of its history and memories, but it is a little excessive on Tech's part to be frightened that he might ruin it so easily. So, Jaskier thinks Tech ought to get a little more acquainted with her. Feel the weight of her in his own lap and watch her being played from a different perspective than some untouchable, sacred object and as an extension of Jaskier instead. And who knows? Perhaps Tech will feel comfortable and brave enough to have his own hand on the strings someday, strumming as Jaskier presses chords along the neck at least until Tech's fingers begin feeling a bit sore. But for now, this ought to be enough.]
[ His song. Jaskier's not only dedicating the song to him, but gifting it to him -- at least to the extent of getting a choice whether it hit the world or stayed between them. Something personal for them alone, to even be locked away if Tech chose, if he decided he couldn't be that music box.
It's a lot. Overwhelming almost. Overwhelming -- a word that can easily apply to every encounter with Jaskier. Simultaneously effortless and poignant. But in this specific case, Tech went from never expecting a song to now having one and having the choice of what to do with it. It's part of the reason he wants to hear it again only minutes after it being performed -- so he can listen without the fog of realization that he was the subject matter clouding it out or the pain of his entire reality being drawn out like a twisted, gnarled splinter embedded deep under skin. He will probably still cry, but this time more from being moved than all of those ugly hurts being unlocked. And the more he hears it, the less it will hurt....and maybe the more he will be ready to be in Jaskier's presence as he sings it for others.
Because this was what he always wanted, wasn't it? For the world to just notice him. And through Jaskier's song, perhaps they finally could.
His eyes close as Jaskier's lips meet his forehead, remaining closed until he pulls back and requests the lute. Tech turns to glance at the instrument on the table and then looks back at Jaskier uncertainly. Is he sure?
Naturally, Tech handled the lute before. He had to in order to bring it home. And it sat like an art piece on his couch as he went out into the ruins and dug through the rubble slab by slab for days to find a guitar case. Jaskier highlighted how delicate the lute was and how "she" was to be treated, so he took painstaking care to find something to house it in. And when he found a suitable case, he left the guitar behind in the old high school music room. The dirt and debris (remnants of a perfect life fallen apart) were cleaned from the case. And when it was worthy of Jaskier's most precious friend, Tech laid the lute in a bed of velvet as though it were glass, gently wiping his fingerprints from the headstock with a dry cloth. And then slowly, carefully he hid this secret in his closet, nestled on a cushion of lesser worn clothing where it would remain until the next set of hands to fall on it were the hands of someone who never thought this reunion would be possible, broken as she was in his world.
Tech had been careful not to touch the lute since, not even necessarily conscious of his evasion until Jaskier requests him to get it now. But Jaskier gives him permission and it would be weird to question him on it. Tech sucks in a deep breath as he leans forward to pick up the instrument, making absolutely certain his hands are steady as he brings it to Jaskier and as soon as it's within Jaskier's reach, he hands it off and takes his hands away like a game of hot potato -- it'll burn if he touches it too long. This is something precious to Jaskier and Tech has a tendency to ruin things, so he'd rather not up the likelihood of it happening by holding it too long.
His eyes trail from the lute up to meet Jaskier's eyes and then they flit back down. His thoughts from earlier dance to the forefront of his mind, and he tilts his head, lowering his voice to a near whisper -- as though this was a secret just for them and even the walls weren't allowed to hear. ]
When was it you knew you wanted to write a song for me?
[ Because wouldn't that also answer the other question he'd pondered -- when had Jaskier fallen in love with him? Was there a certain moment? Or did it simply happen like the changing of a season, one day the flowers opened for spring and so, too, did Jaskier come to realize he loved Tech enough to immortalize that in music. ]
[He can't help the slight smile at Tech quickly retreating from the lute if only because the lute certainly isn't going anywhere from him. Jaskier can't loop the strap over himself and Tech, therefore, it has to rest more squarely in Tech's lap and against him than on Jaskier. His smile brightens at Tech's question as he answers easily,]
The day we met.
[It would perhaps be easy to assume the answer isn't an honest one. After all, love at first sight is a bit absurd when brought from story to reality. It seems the sort of thing that someone would tease as an answer before offering up the honest one. But Jaskier looks back at Tech, gaze not drifting away from his eyes with an earnestness that can only be taken as genuine. Because it wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it may as well have been with the proximity between Jaskier beginning to feel something for Tech and their meeting.]
That song I sang for you had fallen out of my usual sets for quite some time. I've written far better since I wrote it and, well... [Jaskier shakes his head a little. There's no need for him to bring all of that up now to answer Tech's question.] It's not a song I would have picked quite honestly had you not played that song for me. But it felt...right.
[For the first time in a very long time.]
So, I wanted to give something back to you.
[Jaskier never thanked Tech for all his pointers or tidbits about Penance when they first met. Not really. He hardly even acknowledged them by comparison. But what he did thank Tech for was the music. Because even if Tech hadn't known, even if that hadn't been his intention, the end result had been that Jaskier felt something he hadn't in quite some time in singing that song for Tech. It was as much a connection between Tech and Jaskier as it was with Jaskier and himself. But the latter couldn't have happened without the former. Not then. Not when Jaskier needed it most. And so, it made that connection to Tech all the more important even if Jaskier's part in Tech's life and vice versa still seemed so incredibly ambiguous.]
I just didn't know what shape or form the song would take just yet. [Jaskier crooks a smile then as he teases a little.] I had ideas, of course, because what is a god of technology if not an endless font of inspiration for something new.
[He keeps his hold on the lute's neck, but his other hand drifts to Tech's to bring it to his lips and press kisses to his fingertips.]
But I still didn't know. [Jaskier releases Tech's hand to caress his face instead, thumb stroking gently at his cheek.] Not until you played for me.
[And it was then that Jaskier saw that beautiful person past all the bluster and pageantry of being a god. There was a person who loved so deeply and fiercely even despite how often it tended to hurt and rob him of so much. He was brave and beautiful, and he was so authentically himself, and Jaskier knew he wanted to capture that. Not whatever impressions he or someone else might have, not whatever designs or hopes, but exactly as he was. Someone brave enough to try again and again when others most likely would have broken and succumbed entirely to their bitterness and cruelty.]
[Jaskier leans in to kiss Tech sweetly then, lingering there for a moment or two before parting. His thumb traces Tech's lips when they part, Jaskier's smile soft and warm as he looks at this brilliant man that he loves in quiet awe. It turns to teasing then as he gently pokes the tip of Tech's nose with his index finger.]
I'd say it's a surprise you didn't notice on your own that I was serious about writing you a song from the beginning, but you also didn't even have a clue I wasn't struggling with a song at all, so! A keen sense of observation is not one of your abilities, is it? Or are you just too distracted by how beautiful I am at all times to notice? [He winks before pressing a kiss to Tech's cheek as he starts playing the introduction to his song.] We'll say it's the latter and spare you the embarassment if anyone asks.
[ The day we met Jaskier says, and Tech looks at him as though to say bullshit. But like in all matters of the heart, Jaskier approaches it with sincerity. The look behind his eyes insists a truth and his words only go on to further build a case for it. Speaking about the song he first sang and that moment just before -- that had been the spark. And Tech had felt it, too. Not enough to claim it was love, but it was something. Inspiration. A well to draw on for Jaskier and his endless thirst for music.
His eyes linger on the lute resting on his lap. Maybe that was the moment Tech fell in love. When he swore he would get Jaskier's lute back for him and then, well, did it. He looks up again when his hand is taken, watching Jaskier plant these small kisses on his knuckles. In those subtle and tiny gestures of affection, Tech loves Jaskier the most. His whole life had been spent starved of affection, keeping to himself, isolated and alone. Jaskier doesn't hesitate to touch him and Tech trusts him to. His trusts Jaskier's hands to always be tender. He trusts calloused fingertips to know him in ways no one else ever really has. Even though it opens him up to be hurt in many ways, it's a relief to finally find someone in all of the world and in all of Penance he can trust so freely.
And Tech found two people like that. He truly is lucky.
A smile curves when Jaskier touches his face and speaks of his playing. Tech leans into it, not so subtly soaking up the warmth of that hand on his cheek. And then he returns the kiss that follows, lashes flicking open as lips purse a peck to the thumb tracing them. Then Jaskier shifts gears and pokes his nose, ruining all that romance. Tech scoffs and bats his hand away like shooing a pesky fly. ]
I didn't think I was worth a song!
[ He protests in jest as the reason he didn't notice, but then the truth and sadness of those words dawn on him. He really hadn't thought he was worth a song. He spent all that time rationalizing reasons why Jaskier wouldn't write one for him or about him, he never stopped to see the truth or piece together the puzzle that pointed to the opposite of his beliefs. Gods could be and often were wrong. He'll own that. He should have paid more attention or been less self-deluded. And more than that, he should have just trusted Jaskier's love.
But trust is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Especially not when the music box has been so damaged. He watches Jaskier play, memorizing the positioning of his fingers and rather than give him the opportunity to stop the momentum of the song or further comfort and coddle him, Tech shakes his head to add: ]
But I'm starting to...
[ Starting to see his worth, starting to see how he could inspire, starting to accept that someone could love him enough to write something from the heart. Monika had before Jaskier -- she wrote him countless poems that he dismissed as just cute little gestures and ways she expressed her romantic inclinations. He didn't let her poems sink in the way Jaskier's song did, and after his and Monika's volatile end, he wrote her works all off as bullshit. But maybe it would be a good idea to revisit them now because he still has them. All of them. He couldn't bear to throw them away even if the angry part of him wanted to -- wanted to rip all of Monika's existence out of his life. But maybe now, going back and reading her words, he could find something of value within him -- the good parts that inspired her, not the bad parts that destroyed her. And maybe now, he can find a way to be all the good parts -- to be all that Jaskier believes he can be.
So for now, Tech settles in to listen again, to receive this private and personal concert. And in spite of how the tears touch his eyes, he smiles his way through it this time. Tech only wishes Jaskier had spent more time on his part in it. Yes, the song is about the music box. Yes, Jaskier has made it known that he's the one telling the story and his feelings about said music box. But something gets a little lost because Jaskier fails to mention he's the final piece in putting it all back together -- restoring it to something far better than it could have been without him. Jaskier is the crank, the wind up dial in the back, the key. Without him, Tech would never have been able to be more than simply a music box. Without him, all the pieces might have been put back together by Ava, but he still couldn't play.
He wipes the tears from his eyes with a single swipe of his index finger on each side, and in the conclusion, when Jaskier sets the lute aside -- Tech kisses him. He kisses him and he doesn't stop until they've entangled themselves in lovemaking for the entire rest of the day. Often times, Tech could take sex or leave it. After their initial coupling, it had been pretty infrequent because he figures Jaskier can get sex from elsewhere. Tech also can't shake the feeling that he's doing something he shouldn't be -- that he's being selfish and should allow Jaskier and Ava time to get here first. But in the face of such overwhelming love, Tech can think of nothing else but a desire to be close to him -- as close as two people possibly can be. And Tech loves him, over and over again until they're both absolutely and pleasantly spent.
There would be more songs. Tech knows this now. He also knows a bard is supposed to be more of a witness rather than an active participant in their music for the most part. But if Jaskier wants to share everything, then he can share in the story. This story is theirs to tell together. A duet. And if Jaskier doesn't want to sing his part, well then....Tech will tell it in his own way, through his own music. A song without lyrics can be just as telling and emotional as one with words. And through Tech's song maybe, finally, this little music box can write its own music. It had permission to shatter the rules, yes, but it was still kept within certain parameters -- still forced to compose in the style of Bach. Jaskier is and has always been Tech's key to the freedom he's always craved.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Hopeless. Like most of his life. His stirring hand ceases, stilling. And he lies there in his private despair until Jaskier finally breaks his silence -- the warmth of his voice reverberating through his chest. Jaskier puts to rest his doubts about the love part and Tech shrinks against him, burrowing his face into his side -- not to hide from it necessarily but more from the guilt of thinking Jaskier would only continue the pattern that had marked his life. Loving someone and not being enough for that someone. In a partially digitized mind, he's always looking for clean answers to every problem -- a definitive solution, like in this case the logistics of how he could possibly make Jaskier fall in love with him again. The thing is, he doesn't have to find a solution alone. Because he and Jaskier have music. And if Tech could just play for him, their music would transcend memories -- their music would connect them again. He wouldn't lose his ability to play simply because he gave up being a god.
There would be something incredible about the impossibility of their story. How against all odds they found each other. How love truly did transcend time and space. And while Tech would have to learn what it meant to be a human, he did have a taste of it. Once he went to an island in hell and his powers were completely gone. And while there was an initial horror, he still adapted because he always would -- used his bare hands to make perfect stone tools because that knowledge would always be part of him no matter what. And in a world with few technological advances, he could be an inventor -- he could possibly bring them their first light bulb. Or if they weren't ready for it, something else. The automaton who could write a message all on his own.
Hope bubbles in his chest because this is a future -- a bright future. And he could live it to the fullest with Jaskier and Ava. He could live a good life. He could choose how he died and not let it be the world's choice or World's choice. There would be no reviving, but that's okay. It's okay because he would have found the truest of love with two people who are perfect for him. There could be no better after them. ]
No matter what I ultimately decide, you are always going to be a part of that future. And you lay out a very compelling argument here. The thought of getting more time with you, filling my days and nights with you...I think that could definitely be a happily ever after. But...
[ Because for as wonderful as things would be, there is a but. ]
If I went back with you, I couldn't honor my promise to tell your story. We'd be living it together and the worlds would never get to know you. And while I'm more than willing to say fuck it for a chance to have more time with you, you aren't the sort of person who should ever be forgotten. Your legacy should be timeless, finding new generations to love you the way I got to love you.
[ Tech closes his eyes. This becomes the dilemma. This becomes the thing he needs to think about, the thing that makes the decision a bit more complicated. ]
I'll think it over, though. I promise. And what I decide will be what I think will make me the happiest. Because both decisions, you get to be a part of it with me. Just in very different ways.
[ He leans up, pressing a kiss to the edge of Jaskier's jaw. ]
Thank you, songbird. For loving me. And letting me love you. And for this amazing song.
[ He places his chin on his hands and smiles brightly at him. ]
Can I hear it again? You can do it a capella if you don't wanna move and get your lute.
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[So, he won't tell Tech which is the right one to choose. He sticks to his words that he wants it to be Tech's choice and what he wants. Not what he's been convinced or told to want. All that means is Jaskier had best continue making those videos as often as possible should Tech choose his legacy. So he can be with Tech for as long and as often as possible. Every day.]
[Jaskier huffs a laugh at the request to hear the song, the sound just as much amused as it is pleased. He's happy Tech likes it so much to want to hear it again so soon. And, of course, proud and pleased with his own songwriting that he was able to capture something so phenomenal, so utterly inspiring as Tech's life thus far. And he's so glad, the happiest he's been in a while, that it took away Tech's doubts about them. That there was a soothing answer to all the questions about the reality and permanency of Jaskier's feelings. That his love can be something that doesn't have to hurt.]
You can hear it as few or as many times as you want to hear it. And if you never wanted another person to hear it, then not a soul would ever hear it save you. It's your song, Tech. [He kisses Tech's forehead.] To do with as you please.
[That's not the usual sort of thing that Jaskier would offer. Even with lovers of the past, Jaskier never really surrendered that much control over the songs he wrote to and about them regardless of just how personal they got. None of his subjects ever have had any sort of ability to stop Jaskier from performing any song in his repertoire. Gods, if Geralt knew... Well, Jaskier would hear the end of it because it would just be a sour look perhaps coupled with a grunt, and then nothing further. But still. Jaskier would be stuck perseverating on the look and the potential grunt for a long time after! But Jaskier is willing to part with such control to Tech because he knows how few opportunities throughout his long life he's been afforded that sort of control over anything.]
[...And, okay, maybe Jaskier is also quite confident Tech won't have a problem with it. It's a really good fucking song! Who wouldn't want Jaskier singing it from the rooftops? They'd have to be mad.]
[Keeping his hold on Tech, Jaskier leans forward in the direction of his lute.]
Hand it to me, will you, love? You're closer.
[Considering he's more than confident he could play his lute blindfolded, upside down, and behind his back, Jaskier's confident he can play it with Tech still nestled in close and occupying his lap. Besides, he's noticed how mindful Tech is of the lute, looking at it as though it might shatter should he so much as place a single fingertip on it. The care is appreciated given how precious the lute is to Jaskier with all of its history and memories, but it is a little excessive on Tech's part to be frightened that he might ruin it so easily. So, Jaskier thinks Tech ought to get a little more acquainted with her. Feel the weight of her in his own lap and watch her being played from a different perspective than some untouchable, sacred object and as an extension of Jaskier instead. And who knows? Perhaps Tech will feel comfortable and brave enough to have his own hand on the strings someday, strumming as Jaskier presses chords along the neck at least until Tech's fingers begin feeling a bit sore. But for now, this ought to be enough.]
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It's a lot. Overwhelming almost. Overwhelming -- a word that can easily apply to every encounter with Jaskier. Simultaneously effortless and poignant. But in this specific case, Tech went from never expecting a song to now having one and having the choice of what to do with it. It's part of the reason he wants to hear it again only minutes after it being performed -- so he can listen without the fog of realization that he was the subject matter clouding it out or the pain of his entire reality being drawn out like a twisted, gnarled splinter embedded deep under skin. He will probably still cry, but this time more from being moved than all of those ugly hurts being unlocked. And the more he hears it, the less it will hurt....and maybe the more he will be ready to be in Jaskier's presence as he sings it for others.
Because this was what he always wanted, wasn't it? For the world to just notice him. And through Jaskier's song, perhaps they finally could.
His eyes close as Jaskier's lips meet his forehead, remaining closed until he pulls back and requests the lute. Tech turns to glance at the instrument on the table and then looks back at Jaskier uncertainly. Is he sure?
Naturally, Tech handled the lute before. He had to in order to bring it home. And it sat like an art piece on his couch as he went out into the ruins and dug through the rubble slab by slab for days to find a guitar case. Jaskier highlighted how delicate the lute was and how "she" was to be treated, so he took painstaking care to find something to house it in. And when he found a suitable case, he left the guitar behind in the old high school music room. The dirt and debris (remnants of a perfect life fallen apart) were cleaned from the case. And when it was worthy of Jaskier's most precious friend, Tech laid the lute in a bed of velvet as though it were glass, gently wiping his fingerprints from the headstock with a dry cloth. And then slowly, carefully he hid this secret in his closet, nestled on a cushion of lesser worn clothing where it would remain until the next set of hands to fall on it were the hands of someone who never thought this reunion would be possible, broken as she was in his world.
Tech had been careful not to touch the lute since, not even necessarily conscious of his evasion until Jaskier requests him to get it now. But Jaskier gives him permission and it would be weird to question him on it. Tech sucks in a deep breath as he leans forward to pick up the instrument, making absolutely certain his hands are steady as he brings it to Jaskier and as soon as it's within Jaskier's reach, he hands it off and takes his hands away like a game of hot potato -- it'll burn if he touches it too long. This is something precious to Jaskier and Tech has a tendency to ruin things, so he'd rather not up the likelihood of it happening by holding it too long.
His eyes trail from the lute up to meet Jaskier's eyes and then they flit back down. His thoughts from earlier dance to the forefront of his mind, and he tilts his head, lowering his voice to a near whisper -- as though this was a secret just for them and even the walls weren't allowed to hear. ]
When was it you knew you wanted to write a song for me?
[ Because wouldn't that also answer the other question he'd pondered -- when had Jaskier fallen in love with him? Was there a certain moment? Or did it simply happen like the changing of a season, one day the flowers opened for spring and so, too, did Jaskier come to realize he loved Tech enough to immortalize that in music. ]
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The day we met.
[It would perhaps be easy to assume the answer isn't an honest one. After all, love at first sight is a bit absurd when brought from story to reality. It seems the sort of thing that someone would tease as an answer before offering up the honest one. But Jaskier looks back at Tech, gaze not drifting away from his eyes with an earnestness that can only be taken as genuine. Because it wasn't exactly love at first sight, but it may as well have been with the proximity between Jaskier beginning to feel something for Tech and their meeting.]
That song I sang for you had fallen out of my usual sets for quite some time. I've written far better since I wrote it and, well... [Jaskier shakes his head a little. There's no need for him to bring all of that up now to answer Tech's question.] It's not a song I would have picked quite honestly had you not played that song for me. But it felt...right.
[For the first time in a very long time.]
So, I wanted to give something back to you.
[Jaskier never thanked Tech for all his pointers or tidbits about Penance when they first met. Not really. He hardly even acknowledged them by comparison. But what he did thank Tech for was the music. Because even if Tech hadn't known, even if that hadn't been his intention, the end result had been that Jaskier felt something he hadn't in quite some time in singing that song for Tech. It was as much a connection between Tech and Jaskier as it was with Jaskier and himself. But the latter couldn't have happened without the former. Not then. Not when Jaskier needed it most. And so, it made that connection to Tech all the more important even if Jaskier's part in Tech's life and vice versa still seemed so incredibly ambiguous.]
I just didn't know what shape or form the song would take just yet. [Jaskier crooks a smile then as he teases a little.] I had ideas, of course, because what is a god of technology if not an endless font of inspiration for something new.
[He keeps his hold on the lute's neck, but his other hand drifts to Tech's to bring it to his lips and press kisses to his fingertips.]
But I still didn't know. [Jaskier releases Tech's hand to caress his face instead, thumb stroking gently at his cheek.] Not until you played for me.
[And it was then that Jaskier saw that beautiful person past all the bluster and pageantry of being a god. There was a person who loved so deeply and fiercely even despite how often it tended to hurt and rob him of so much. He was brave and beautiful, and he was so authentically himself, and Jaskier knew he wanted to capture that. Not whatever impressions he or someone else might have, not whatever designs or hopes, but exactly as he was. Someone brave enough to try again and again when others most likely would have broken and succumbed entirely to their bitterness and cruelty.]
[Jaskier leans in to kiss Tech sweetly then, lingering there for a moment or two before parting. His thumb traces Tech's lips when they part, Jaskier's smile soft and warm as he looks at this brilliant man that he loves in quiet awe. It turns to teasing then as he gently pokes the tip of Tech's nose with his index finger.]
I'd say it's a surprise you didn't notice on your own that I was serious about writing you a song from the beginning, but you also didn't even have a clue I wasn't struggling with a song at all, so! A keen sense of observation is not one of your abilities, is it? Or are you just too distracted by how beautiful I am at all times to notice? [He winks before pressing a kiss to Tech's cheek as he starts playing the introduction to his song.] We'll say it's the latter and spare you the embarassment if anyone asks.
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His eyes linger on the lute resting on his lap. Maybe that was the moment Tech fell in love. When he swore he would get Jaskier's lute back for him and then, well, did it. He looks up again when his hand is taken, watching Jaskier plant these small kisses on his knuckles. In those subtle and tiny gestures of affection, Tech loves Jaskier the most. His whole life had been spent starved of affection, keeping to himself, isolated and alone. Jaskier doesn't hesitate to touch him and Tech trusts him to. His trusts Jaskier's hands to always be tender. He trusts calloused fingertips to know him in ways no one else ever really has. Even though it opens him up to be hurt in many ways, it's a relief to finally find someone in all of the world and in all of Penance he can trust so freely.
And Tech found two people like that. He truly is lucky.
A smile curves when Jaskier touches his face and speaks of his playing. Tech leans into it, not so subtly soaking up the warmth of that hand on his cheek. And then he returns the kiss that follows, lashes flicking open as lips purse a peck to the thumb tracing them. Then Jaskier shifts gears and pokes his nose, ruining all that romance. Tech scoffs and bats his hand away like shooing a pesky fly. ]
I didn't think I was worth a song!
[ He protests in jest as the reason he didn't notice, but then the truth and sadness of those words dawn on him. He really hadn't thought he was worth a song. He spent all that time rationalizing reasons why Jaskier wouldn't write one for him or about him, he never stopped to see the truth or piece together the puzzle that pointed to the opposite of his beliefs. Gods could be and often were wrong. He'll own that. He should have paid more attention or been less self-deluded. And more than that, he should have just trusted Jaskier's love.
But trust is a process. It doesn't happen overnight. Especially not when the music box has been so damaged. He watches Jaskier play, memorizing the positioning of his fingers and rather than give him the opportunity to stop the momentum of the song or further comfort and coddle him, Tech shakes his head to add: ]
But I'm starting to...
[ Starting to see his worth, starting to see how he could inspire, starting to accept that someone could love him enough to write something from the heart. Monika had before Jaskier -- she wrote him countless poems that he dismissed as just cute little gestures and ways she expressed her romantic inclinations. He didn't let her poems sink in the way Jaskier's song did, and after his and Monika's volatile end, he wrote her works all off as bullshit. But maybe it would be a good idea to revisit them now because he still has them. All of them. He couldn't bear to throw them away even if the angry part of him wanted to -- wanted to rip all of Monika's existence out of his life. But maybe now, going back and reading her words, he could find something of value within him -- the good parts that inspired her, not the bad parts that destroyed her. And maybe now, he can find a way to be all the good parts -- to be all that Jaskier believes he can be.
So for now, Tech settles in to listen again, to receive this private and personal concert. And in spite of how the tears touch his eyes, he smiles his way through it this time. Tech only wishes Jaskier had spent more time on his part in it. Yes, the song is about the music box. Yes, Jaskier has made it known that he's the one telling the story and his feelings about said music box. But something gets a little lost because Jaskier fails to mention he's the final piece in putting it all back together -- restoring it to something far better than it could have been without him. Jaskier is the crank, the wind up dial in the back, the key. Without him, Tech would never have been able to be more than simply a music box. Without him, all the pieces might have been put back together by Ava, but he still couldn't play.
He wipes the tears from his eyes with a single swipe of his index finger on each side, and in the conclusion, when Jaskier sets the lute aside -- Tech kisses him. He kisses him and he doesn't stop until they've entangled themselves in lovemaking for the entire rest of the day. Often times, Tech could take sex or leave it. After their initial coupling, it had been pretty infrequent because he figures Jaskier can get sex from elsewhere. Tech also can't shake the feeling that he's doing something he shouldn't be -- that he's being selfish and should allow Jaskier and Ava time to get here first. But in the face of such overwhelming love, Tech can think of nothing else but a desire to be close to him -- as close as two people possibly can be. And Tech loves him, over and over again until they're both absolutely and pleasantly spent.
There would be more songs. Tech knows this now. He also knows a bard is supposed to be more of a witness rather than an active participant in their music for the most part. But if Jaskier wants to share everything, then he can share in the story. This story is theirs to tell together. A duet. And if Jaskier doesn't want to sing his part, well then....Tech will tell it in his own way, through his own music. A song without lyrics can be just as telling and emotional as one with words. And through Tech's song maybe, finally, this little music box can write its own music. It had permission to shatter the rules, yes, but it was still kept within certain parameters -- still forced to compose in the style of Bach. Jaskier is and has always been Tech's key to the freedom he's always craved.
If only he can just be brave enough to try.... ]