why do you keep saying "boyfriend?" it's weird. he's not my boyfriend. we're not boyfriends. we're not like that.
[ They are, in fact, a little like that. But for once, it's not possessiveness that has him concerned. While he appreciates Monika's proclamations that she's not going to "steal" Jaskier away (it's cute that she thinks she would ever be able to resist any form of love that comes across her path), Jaskier isn't really his to be stolen. 42 years old and no signs of settling down, Tech has no delusions he's going to be the one that gets Jaskier to change his mind. In the end, theirs is nothing but a fling to last the duration of their time in hell while Jaskier is free to do as he pleases with whoever he pleases.
No, what concerns Tech more is him potentially finding out something that would make him second guess all the time they spent together. And Monika has all of that at her disposal -- Monika knows how truly rotten he is deep down. She knows the worst, vindictive parts of him. She knows the things he'd be willing to do for the sake of his own happiness. ]
this isn't like kaiba where there's anything to really be stolen. jaskier isn't making me promises he would give to someone else instead. it's just this thing between us is really important to me
and i'm not pretending i'm a saint. he knows the worst of what i did to you. and while he's not exactly jumping for joy about it (it'd be fucking weird if he was), he accepts me still.
i'm just worried he's going to find some reason to NOT accept me. every relationship in my life except ava has fallen apart because in some way i haven't been good enough for my partner.
so idk what would be the breaking point with jaskier. i just know of all the fucking people in this place, you are still my eve and you have all the power to expel me from eden if that's what you choose to do. and when we're in hell, we can only taste paradise for so long, am i right?
[ What else could it be? She's jealous, of course, but she'd be jealous of anyone that went near him. The difference this time, however, is that she truly wanted him to be happy. That meant respecting his desires. Keeping boundaries. ]
i know he knows what you did, because he didn't go running for the hills when i told him the same thing. he was more worried about me trying to hurt you for revenge....so i'm going to stick with calling him a boyfriend
i just want you to be happy zeus. if i have the power to kick you out of paradise, i have the power to keep you in it too. but at the same time....you should have some more faith in yourself
don't you think the worst is going to keep happening if you keep expecting it to???
please don't allow what i did to you to poison everything else
you didn't start the trend, monika. this was the story of my life before you and i got together. so it's not you poisoning anything. it's just the way it usually goes and all you did was reinforce a truth i should have known
[ It might be difficult to believe she's improving a good chunk of the time, but there are little things, subtle clues. Like saying she wants him to be happy. Even Tech hasn't gotten to a point where he can wish her well in her relationships without resentment. She's trying for him and he appreciates it. So he'll try for her, too. ]
but even if statistics are pointing toward a certain outcome, i still keep holding out hope it'll be a different one. i keep trying. even after telling you i didn't believe in love anymore. sure fucking ate my words after hellburbia....lol
but you ever just feel like idk. like you don't deserve the love people are giving you?
maybe i didn't start it....but i didn't make it any better either. i should've tried to stop the pattern there, because if anyone here knows what i've been through, it's you. but i was too selfish....
i'm glad i didn't completely ruin everything though ❤️ i'm glad you could find something after what we went through
[ Even if, yeah, typing those words was really difficult.
Her lips purse up thoughtfully as she considers how much to say next. ]
i feel like that constantly. i guess i'm lucky i've found people who are patient with me
it took me a long time to not be afraid to say "i love you" again, even in my head
[ Is glad the right word? He doesn't want Monika to be miserable. He wants her to be happy and to be able to move forward after their storm. It's just hard thinking of her happiness with other people -- loving people other than him. Finding healthy -- er. Well...maybe not healthy, but happy relationships with people in a way they could never have. ]
i think it's what we both needed to do in the aftermath of us. take the time to rediscover love. we rushed into our shit head first and idk if we were more careful maybe we could have worked or if we were just doomed from the start.
but i'd like to think it could have been different if i'd taken the time to understand my emotions a little better
this is why i keep saying i'm thankful you ripped out my heart....i needed something like that to wake me up
now i appreciate everything more. i think about the feelings of others more. [ Well. For the most part. ] you improved so much about me....
[ But all those improvements helped other relationships. Now she didn't really have a chance to be better with him. It all came too late. At least she had her Hellburbia memories? Maybe it was enough? ]
i wish you were the first person i met in hell a lot
if only because you could have experienced the love of lovemaking without needing the pain.
i still hate henry a little bit for ruining it all for you like that
[ But the one who will ruin it for her most of all? That's the one she's with. Tech knows the pain that got inflicted on him that he didn't ask for -- that he didn't necessarily want, but got conditioned to expect. It's no wonder in the wake of Seto Kaiba, Tech had to do a hard reset and not fuck for a while. But Monika? She'll ask for it and he will give it to her. And further and further, she'll be corrupted into thinking she needs more pain to go with her pleasure.
It's a sad thing to think about, but only reinforces his thought now, that he would never be enough for her. He'd never be able to satisfy her. ]
[ Probably because she was ashamed. Jealous. Caught up in so many feelings of what it meant to be like someone she hated. Yuri forever haunts her, even though she's long gone. ]
the seed for that sort of thing was planted before i ever got here. he just helped it grow a lot faster
i'm better, but i'm still broken zeus. probably way too broken to fix...
i'm sorry....
[ A slight delay follows, then: ]
i should let you be
sorry again
bye
[ Because it's hurting too much to keep thinking of what could've been, especially with someone she could never be with. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ They are, in fact, a little like that. But for once, it's not possessiveness that has him concerned. While he appreciates Monika's proclamations that she's not going to "steal" Jaskier away (it's cute that she thinks she would ever be able to resist any form of love that comes across her path), Jaskier isn't really his to be stolen. 42 years old and no signs of settling down, Tech has no delusions he's going to be the one that gets Jaskier to change his mind. In the end, theirs is nothing but a fling to last the duration of their time in hell while Jaskier is free to do as he pleases with whoever he pleases.
No, what concerns Tech more is him potentially finding out something that would make him second guess all the time they spent together. And Monika has all of that at her disposal -- Monika knows how truly rotten he is deep down. She knows the worst, vindictive parts of him. She knows the things he'd be willing to do for the sake of his own happiness. ]
this isn't like kaiba where there's anything to really be stolen. jaskier isn't making me promises he would give to someone else instead. it's just this thing between us is really important to me
and i'm not pretending i'm a saint. he knows the worst of what i did to you. and while he's not exactly jumping for joy about it (it'd be fucking weird if he was), he accepts me still.
i'm just worried he's going to find some reason to NOT accept me. every relationship in my life except ava has fallen apart because in some way i haven't been good enough for my partner.
so idk what would be the breaking point with jaskier. i just know of all the fucking people in this place, you are still my eve and you have all the power to expel me from eden if that's what you choose to do. and when we're in hell, we can only taste paradise for so long, am i right?
no subject
[ What else could it be? She's jealous, of course, but she'd be jealous of anyone that went near him. The difference this time, however, is that she truly wanted him to be happy. That meant respecting his desires. Keeping boundaries. ]
i know he knows what you did, because he didn't go running for the hills when i told him the same thing. he was more worried about me trying to hurt you for revenge....so i'm going to stick with calling him a boyfriend
i just want you to be happy zeus. if i have the power to kick you out of paradise, i have the power to keep you in it too. but at the same time....you should have some more faith in yourself
don't you think the worst is going to keep happening if you keep expecting it to???
please don't allow what i did to you to poison everything else
no subject
[ It might be difficult to believe she's improving a good chunk of the time, but there are little things, subtle clues. Like saying she wants him to be happy. Even Tech hasn't gotten to a point where he can wish her well in her relationships without resentment. She's trying for him and he appreciates it. So he'll try for her, too. ]
but even if statistics are pointing toward a certain outcome, i still keep holding out hope it'll be a different one. i keep trying. even after telling you i didn't believe in love anymore. sure fucking ate my words after hellburbia....lol
but you ever just feel like idk. like you don't deserve the love people are giving you?
no subject
i'm glad i didn't completely ruin everything though ❤️ i'm glad you could find something after what we went through
[ Even if, yeah, typing those words was really difficult.
Her lips purse up thoughtfully as she considers how much to say next. ]
i feel like that constantly. i guess i'm lucky i've found people who are patient with me
it took me a long time to not be afraid to say "i love you" again, even in my head
i still am sometimes
no subject
[ Is glad the right word? He doesn't want Monika to be miserable. He wants her to be happy and to be able to move forward after their storm. It's just hard thinking of her happiness with other people -- loving people other than him. Finding healthy -- er. Well...maybe not healthy, but happy relationships with people in a way they could never have. ]
i think it's what we both needed to do in the aftermath of us. take the time to rediscover love. we rushed into our shit head first and idk if we were more careful maybe we could have worked or if we were just doomed from the start.
but i'd like to think it could have been different if i'd taken the time to understand my emotions a little better
no subject
now i appreciate everything more. i think about the feelings of others more. [ Well. For the most part. ] you improved so much about me....
[ But all those improvements helped other relationships. Now she didn't really have a chance to be better with him. It all came too late. At least she had her Hellburbia memories? Maybe it was enough? ]
i wish you were the first person i met in hell a lot
things would've been better
i know it
no subject
if only because you could have experienced the love of lovemaking without needing the pain.
i still hate henry a little bit for ruining it all for you like that
[ But the one who will ruin it for her most of all? That's the one she's with. Tech knows the pain that got inflicted on him that he didn't ask for -- that he didn't necessarily want, but got conditioned to expect. It's no wonder in the wake of Seto Kaiba, Tech had to do a hard reset and not fuck for a while. But Monika? She'll ask for it and he will give it to her. And further and further, she'll be corrupted into thinking she needs more pain to go with her pleasure.
It's a sad thing to think about, but only reinforces his thought now, that he would never be enough for her. He'd never be able to satisfy her. ]
no subject
[ Probably because she was ashamed. Jealous. Caught up in so many feelings of what it meant to be like someone she hated. Yuri forever haunts her, even though she's long gone. ]
the seed for that sort of thing was planted before i ever got here. he just helped it grow a lot faster
i'm better, but i'm still broken zeus. probably way too broken to fix...
i'm sorry....
[ A slight delay follows, then: ]
i should let you be
sorry again
bye
[ Because it's hurting too much to keep thinking of what could've been, especially with someone she could never be with. ]