you didn't start the trend, monika. this was the story of my life before you and i got together. so it's not you poisoning anything. it's just the way it usually goes and all you did was reinforce a truth i should have known
[ It might be difficult to believe she's improving a good chunk of the time, but there are little things, subtle clues. Like saying she wants him to be happy. Even Tech hasn't gotten to a point where he can wish her well in her relationships without resentment. She's trying for him and he appreciates it. So he'll try for her, too. ]
but even if statistics are pointing toward a certain outcome, i still keep holding out hope it'll be a different one. i keep trying. even after telling you i didn't believe in love anymore. sure fucking ate my words after hellburbia....lol
but you ever just feel like idk. like you don't deserve the love people are giving you?
maybe i didn't start it....but i didn't make it any better either. i should've tried to stop the pattern there, because if anyone here knows what i've been through, it's you. but i was too selfish....
i'm glad i didn't completely ruin everything though ❤️ i'm glad you could find something after what we went through
[ Even if, yeah, typing those words was really difficult.
Her lips purse up thoughtfully as she considers how much to say next. ]
i feel like that constantly. i guess i'm lucky i've found people who are patient with me
it took me a long time to not be afraid to say "i love you" again, even in my head
[ Is glad the right word? He doesn't want Monika to be miserable. He wants her to be happy and to be able to move forward after their storm. It's just hard thinking of her happiness with other people -- loving people other than him. Finding healthy -- er. Well...maybe not healthy, but happy relationships with people in a way they could never have. ]
i think it's what we both needed to do in the aftermath of us. take the time to rediscover love. we rushed into our shit head first and idk if we were more careful maybe we could have worked or if we were just doomed from the start.
but i'd like to think it could have been different if i'd taken the time to understand my emotions a little better
this is why i keep saying i'm thankful you ripped out my heart....i needed something like that to wake me up
now i appreciate everything more. i think about the feelings of others more. [ Well. For the most part. ] you improved so much about me....
[ But all those improvements helped other relationships. Now she didn't really have a chance to be better with him. It all came too late. At least she had her Hellburbia memories? Maybe it was enough? ]
i wish you were the first person i met in hell a lot
if only because you could have experienced the love of lovemaking without needing the pain.
i still hate henry a little bit for ruining it all for you like that
[ But the one who will ruin it for her most of all? That's the one she's with. Tech knows the pain that got inflicted on him that he didn't ask for -- that he didn't necessarily want, but got conditioned to expect. It's no wonder in the wake of Seto Kaiba, Tech had to do a hard reset and not fuck for a while. But Monika? She'll ask for it and he will give it to her. And further and further, she'll be corrupted into thinking she needs more pain to go with her pleasure.
It's a sad thing to think about, but only reinforces his thought now, that he would never be enough for her. He'd never be able to satisfy her. ]
[ Probably because she was ashamed. Jealous. Caught up in so many feelings of what it meant to be like someone she hated. Yuri forever haunts her, even though she's long gone. ]
the seed for that sort of thing was planted before i ever got here. he just helped it grow a lot faster
i'm better, but i'm still broken zeus. probably way too broken to fix...
i'm sorry....
[ A slight delay follows, then: ]
i should let you be
sorry again
bye
[ Because it's hurting too much to keep thinking of what could've been, especially with someone she could never be with. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ It might be difficult to believe she's improving a good chunk of the time, but there are little things, subtle clues. Like saying she wants him to be happy. Even Tech hasn't gotten to a point where he can wish her well in her relationships without resentment. She's trying for him and he appreciates it. So he'll try for her, too. ]
but even if statistics are pointing toward a certain outcome, i still keep holding out hope it'll be a different one. i keep trying. even after telling you i didn't believe in love anymore. sure fucking ate my words after hellburbia....lol
but you ever just feel like idk. like you don't deserve the love people are giving you?
no subject
i'm glad i didn't completely ruin everything though ❤️ i'm glad you could find something after what we went through
[ Even if, yeah, typing those words was really difficult.
Her lips purse up thoughtfully as she considers how much to say next. ]
i feel like that constantly. i guess i'm lucky i've found people who are patient with me
it took me a long time to not be afraid to say "i love you" again, even in my head
i still am sometimes
no subject
[ Is glad the right word? He doesn't want Monika to be miserable. He wants her to be happy and to be able to move forward after their storm. It's just hard thinking of her happiness with other people -- loving people other than him. Finding healthy -- er. Well...maybe not healthy, but happy relationships with people in a way they could never have. ]
i think it's what we both needed to do in the aftermath of us. take the time to rediscover love. we rushed into our shit head first and idk if we were more careful maybe we could have worked or if we were just doomed from the start.
but i'd like to think it could have been different if i'd taken the time to understand my emotions a little better
no subject
now i appreciate everything more. i think about the feelings of others more. [ Well. For the most part. ] you improved so much about me....
[ But all those improvements helped other relationships. Now she didn't really have a chance to be better with him. It all came too late. At least she had her Hellburbia memories? Maybe it was enough? ]
i wish you were the first person i met in hell a lot
things would've been better
i know it
no subject
if only because you could have experienced the love of lovemaking without needing the pain.
i still hate henry a little bit for ruining it all for you like that
[ But the one who will ruin it for her most of all? That's the one she's with. Tech knows the pain that got inflicted on him that he didn't ask for -- that he didn't necessarily want, but got conditioned to expect. It's no wonder in the wake of Seto Kaiba, Tech had to do a hard reset and not fuck for a while. But Monika? She'll ask for it and he will give it to her. And further and further, she'll be corrupted into thinking she needs more pain to go with her pleasure.
It's a sad thing to think about, but only reinforces his thought now, that he would never be enough for her. He'd never be able to satisfy her. ]
no subject
[ Probably because she was ashamed. Jealous. Caught up in so many feelings of what it meant to be like someone she hated. Yuri forever haunts her, even though she's long gone. ]
the seed for that sort of thing was planted before i ever got here. he just helped it grow a lot faster
i'm better, but i'm still broken zeus. probably way too broken to fix...
i'm sorry....
[ A slight delay follows, then: ]
i should let you be
sorry again
bye
[ Because it's hurting too much to keep thinking of what could've been, especially with someone she could never be with. ]