[ It chokes him up to say -- to actually put it into words that he's once again alone. ]
I'm not her boyfriend anymore.
[ Although for the past few weeks, he hadn't been a boyfriend. He had been a fiance. He doesn't care to distinguish between the two now. He's neither one of them anymore. ]
Yeah, she hurt me. I never loved anyone romantically before and I expected that to be ours. Just something shared between her and me. I thought I would be good enough to be her one and only. I'm a god for fuck's sake. Why am I never good enough for anyone?
[ Not for World. Not for Xie. Not for Loki. Not for Kaiba. Not for Monika. ]
Everyone always betrays me. I don't know how you can say emotions are a good fucking thing. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore.
[His voice is soft, patient. That reassurance needs to come before anything else can happen.]
If you asked to be the only boyfriend and she disregarded your request, that isn't your fault. Monika is as new to this as the rest of us are. She probably didn't understand your preference well enough to honor it. Her understanding of things can be... flawed.
But what she does has nothing to do with who you are. I'm sorry that she hurt you. I can listen if you want to talk more. Emotions are easier to process if they're spoken out loud.
[Elena has given him so many gifts to help adapt to sadness.]
[ Mega's reassurances are empty because it's probably something he'd say to anyone. It doesn't eradicate the clear evidence that points to the opposite. The only one who has stuck by his side has been Proto -- and it's probably only a matter of time before that changes, too.
His sorrow shifts to anger when Mega tries to make excuses for Monika and he snaps his head up, swiping his eyes with his forearm to clear the tears. ]
She knew exactly what she was doing. She's been doing it for months -- collecting partners like fucking Pokemon. Which is probably a reference you don't get. It doesn't matter.
[ He pinches the bridge of his nose. ]
Point is, she knew. She had enough self-awareness to know that it was wrong. If it wasn't for that fucking love tunnel, she still would have kept lying to me.
[The anger is startling. He recoils a little, stiff as he struggles to understand what the problem is. -- Also what's a pokemon? It is not the time to ask what a pokemon is.]
She knew, but you've already known that she lies. You've helped her lie. We both have. Why is this lie worse than the other ones?
[ He tosses his hands up in frustration. How the fuck does Mega expect him to explain the complexities of emotions when he doesn't even understand them himself? ]
I don't have the fucking energy to explain this to you.
[ Could he explain even if he did have the energy? Probably not. ]
If you want to brush this off as no big deal, fine. But don't sit here and try to invalidate my feelings on the matter. This lie hurt me. There are some lies that cross a fucking line. I was completely open and honest with her. When I messed up and...
[ A pause. Yeah, he probably shouldn't talk about sleeping with someone else around Mega. If he thought marriage was about making a family, then what would he think about casual sex? So Mega will get the PG version. ]
...kissed someone else, I told her. Immediately. And you know what she did? She fucking stabbed me. Meanwhile, she was off kissing way more than one person for the entire duration of the relationship. She still didn't tell me what she was doing even when I confessed. She had even kissed the same person I did!
[The idea to nudge the conversation closer to Mega's level is a good one, considering that he still fully thinks babies come from the stork and hasn't seen much of a reason to reconsider his stance on that. As far as he considers it, he sleeps with Monika all the time. They lie in bed together and they hug and it feels nice. There's no reason not to share that either.
Kissing is something he understands as more proprietary. People don't go around kissing just anyone, especially not the way Monika taught him about. That helps the pieces lock in, and gives him a reason to pause and settle while he evaluates the new information. Technical Boy was boyfriends to someone else, but also feels strongly that boyfriends should not be shared. He was wrong, and then had the wrong thing done to him but worse. It hurts more when people call you a hypocrite about something that's already making you feel guilty.]
I don't think Monika understands as much about human relationships as she thinks she does.
[He concludes it at length, after considering everything with the seriousness it deserves.]
When we were both new here, she was scared and confused but didn't want to admit she needed help. She stabbed me hard. Elena said I could've died if I hadn't come to see her for repairs. I was angry at Monika for a long time after that. And after she apologized, I tried to work with her to help her be better with humans. I didn't know she was still hurting people.
[And that makes all of this his fault. He let this happen.
Mega stands straight, dutifully. He attempts to establish and hold eye contact to communicate sincerity.]
I'll talk to her and make sure she understands that what she's been doing was wrong. [Tech is his family and he will protect his family. Disciplinary measures belong behind closed doors.] But for now I want to make things right with you. You have been a boyfriend to many, but I don't know if you've had one to yourself. If you want exclusivity rights over boyfriend duties, I can provide what she hasn't.
[Whether or not he entirely understands what he's promising is irrelevant. This is more complicated than helping to repair a building or moving orphans into a new shelter with his father's name over the door, but there has to be a way to make reparations. He'll find the right way and then he'll fix it.]
[ Tech falls into silence when Mega speaks again and tells the story of his meeting with Monika. It surprises him that Mega would have harbored anger toward Monika after getting stabbed -- Tech hadn't even been mad about it. Immediately following, they kissed and made up. She cried and asked why she wasn't good enough and at the time he had felt so bad. Even now, when he thinks of that vulnerability, he still feels a twinge -- an ache. And then he thinks of her corpse on the ground and that ache turns sour in his stomach. Being stabbed meant nothing compared to what he had done to her.
But it was different for Mega. Mega had a human body. Mega had no repair module. He had to seek out someone named Elena, who Tech can only assume is a healer. And if it was as serious as the fact that he could have died, then yeah. The anger makes sense. As does the swiftness to forgive with an apology.
He's looking at Mega quietly, a conflicted expression on his face -- somewhere between sympathy and guilt. It all vanishes at the conclusion and the offer. Wait, what? He stares, bewildered. ]
That's not... [ His words come out a little shyer than he expects them to. ] That's not how it works, Mega.
[ Oh what a simple but complicated being Mega is. Tech reaches out a hand and almost, almost lays it on his cheek -- but then he remembers the last time he touched him and that hand simply lingers about an inch from touching skin. So close, the warmth can probably be felt. ]
Don't just offer your boyfriend duties to anyone, okay? They have to be special to you. And right now, I'm happier without a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I need time to process this pain before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again.
[ The hand falls back to his side. ]
You don't have to talk to her about this, either. I think she knows now what she did was wrong when I ended things between me and her. And I hope, if nothing else, she'll learn from this and be a better girlfriend to you.
[The warmth from near contact accomplishes what Technical wants it to do. It's there by proximity, and silently appreciated.]
Elena says that's okay too. To decide to not be in a relationship at all. You can be a boy friend without being a boyfriend. She says that if you want something real with another person, you have to be able to ask questions and talk about things freely. And -- I hope you feel comfortable talking to me as a friend even without those obligations.
But I do have to talk to Monika. If she's hurting you and other people, she needs to stop. You know how hard it can be for us when one of our kind is misguided. It takes time to unlearn the bad habits. I have to make it right again, so everyone can be happy. Not just us.
[Happy endings don't work if they're only happy for a few.]
[ Something softens about his expression -- a touch warm and a touch sad. He wishes he could tell Mega. He wishes he could tell him everything because he really needs to talk about this to someone. He needs someone to tell him it will be okay -- that she'll come back and it will be okay.
But then he recalls Mega's anger when he said I will not kill which later came with the addendum that under the right circumstances, he would kill. And Tech knows his reasoning wouldn't fall under 'the right circumstances.' It had been impulsive, emotional -- something Proto could probably understand. But not Mega. Never Mega.
His eyes veer toward the ceiling as he hunches against the wall. Even when he was literally running on empty for electrical charge, he's never felt this drained before. Emotional exhaustion truly packs a punch.
Lips curve slightly, a pitiful attempt at a smile. The prospect of having a friend (a "boy" friend) is nice. Even if Mega probably offers friendship to everyone so it's nothing real special. It's nice to have someone want to be his friend without him having to fight so hard to prove he's 'cool' though. ]
You know, you don't have to take it on your shoulders to fix other people's problems. Seriously. Worry about yourself. I would have told you when it happened if I felt I needed it fixed. I healed, so it's no big deal. And I don't think she will be doing it to anyone else.
[ He pauses, sucking a hit off his vape pen. ]
Seriously, her other partners are probably smarter than me and don't tell her if they kiss other people. My mistake was honesty.
[Mega would argue that there is no such thing as the right circumstances. His own kills are awful. He deserves to be in Hell for them. His anger comes from the refusal to kill for pettiness. He won't be reduced to someone else's weapon. Killing is a last resort, and even then only to prevent more killing. Necessary at times, but absolutely inexcusable even then.]
Honesty isn't a mistake. It's important to be honest with the people you care about. And if she's been lying to people then she needs to be honest with them too. That's what I need to fix. She needs help to be better with humans. And if she's not doing as well... That's my responsibility.
I'm not a human. Neither are you, bro. Neither is she. So how she treats us doesn't really impact how she's treating actual humans. In fact, I'm sure it's only us who have been on the receiving end of a pointy object in her hands...
[ He pauses, thinks of Hazel, and then amends. ]
....mostly sure. But anyway, point is, I don't want you to get involved on my behalf. If you're going to talk to her, do it for yourself and keep me out of it as much as possible. I just want to put this shit behind me, and I'm sure she does, too. Break ups are fucking....messy. Complicated. Like trying to get rid of a trojan virus, but it's embedded so deep in the hard drive that the pain keeps resurfacing. It's better to not think about it for a while.
[ His hand runs through his hair and he can feel the prickling of a glitch across his neck from all the tension of this -- though maybe it gives credence to the fact that emotions are like malware. He places his hand over his skin to hide the burst of pixels. ]
Y-yeah. I got a guy, a programmer here who can work on it. Maybe? Probably. I don't know. He'll be able to do something. Figure out a solution.
[ Even if it's just help him forget for a while. ]
In the meantime, if she shows up here, I'd appreciate it if you don't let her anywhere near me or my room for a while. Until I'm better.
[ He doesn't think Monika will -- but just in case, he's really not ready to face her. ]
It's good that you have someone that you feel like you can trust. I know they'll help you clean out your system. Does your medicine help with that too? I thought it was supposed to help with bad emotions.
[ the smoke was a little terrifying when they tried it before, but by the end it seemed to settle into the sensations that Technical initially promised. It's a slow-working repair, but it does its job eventually. ]
I'll do my best to keep you apart until you're ready. I'll make sure she doesn't come around anymore. If she wants to see me, I'll go to her instead.
You're a good boy friend as well. And I want to do everything I can to help you recover from your emotional overload. If there's anything you need, please let me know. I'll get it for you, no matter what it is.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ It chokes him up to say -- to actually put it into words that he's once again alone. ]
I'm not her boyfriend anymore.
[ Although for the past few weeks, he hadn't been a boyfriend. He had been a fiance. He doesn't care to distinguish between the two now. He's neither one of them anymore. ]
Yeah, she hurt me. I never loved anyone romantically before and I expected that to be ours. Just something shared between her and me. I thought I would be good enough to be her one and only. I'm a god for fuck's sake. Why am I never good enough for anyone?
[ Not for World. Not for Xie. Not for Loki. Not for Kaiba. Not for Monika. ]
Everyone always betrays me. I don't know how you can say emotions are a good fucking thing. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I don't want to feel anything anymore.
no subject
[His voice is soft, patient. That reassurance needs to come before anything else can happen.]
If you asked to be the only boyfriend and she disregarded your request, that isn't your fault. Monika is as new to this as the rest of us are. She probably didn't understand your preference well enough to honor it. Her understanding of things can be... flawed.
But what she does has nothing to do with who you are. I'm sorry that she hurt you. I can listen if you want to talk more. Emotions are easier to process if they're spoken out loud.
[Elena has given him so many gifts to help adapt to sadness.]
no subject
His sorrow shifts to anger when Mega tries to make excuses for Monika and he snaps his head up, swiping his eyes with his forearm to clear the tears. ]
She knew exactly what she was doing. She's been doing it for months -- collecting partners like fucking Pokemon. Which is probably a reference you don't get. It doesn't matter.
[ He pinches the bridge of his nose. ]
Point is, she knew. She had enough self-awareness to know that it was wrong. If it wasn't for that fucking love tunnel, she still would have kept lying to me.
no subject
She knew, but you've already known that she lies. You've helped her lie. We both have. Why is this lie worse than the other ones?
no subject
I don't have the fucking energy to explain this to you.
[ Could he explain even if he did have the energy? Probably not. ]
If you want to brush this off as no big deal, fine. But don't sit here and try to invalidate my feelings on the matter. This lie hurt me. There are some lies that cross a fucking line. I was completely open and honest with her. When I messed up and...
[ A pause. Yeah, he probably shouldn't talk about sleeping with someone else around Mega. If he thought marriage was about making a family, then what would he think about casual sex? So Mega will get the PG version. ]
...kissed someone else, I told her. Immediately. And you know what she did? She fucking stabbed me. Meanwhile, she was off kissing way more than one person for the entire duration of the relationship. She still didn't tell me what she was doing even when I confessed. She had even kissed the same person I did!
no subject
Kissing is something he understands as more proprietary. People don't go around kissing just anyone, especially not the way Monika taught him about. That helps the pieces lock in, and gives him a reason to pause and settle while he evaluates the new information. Technical Boy was boyfriends to someone else, but also feels strongly that boyfriends should not be shared. He was wrong, and then had the wrong thing done to him but worse. It hurts more when people call you a hypocrite about something that's already making you feel guilty.]
I don't think Monika understands as much about human relationships as she thinks she does.
[He concludes it at length, after considering everything with the seriousness it deserves.]
When we were both new here, she was scared and confused but didn't want to admit she needed help. She stabbed me hard. Elena said I could've died if I hadn't come to see her for repairs. I was angry at Monika for a long time after that. And after she apologized, I tried to work with her to help her be better with humans. I didn't know she was still hurting people.
[And that makes all of this his fault. He let this happen.
Mega stands straight, dutifully. He attempts to establish and hold eye contact to communicate sincerity.]
I'll talk to her and make sure she understands that what she's been doing was wrong. [Tech is his family and he will protect his family. Disciplinary measures belong behind closed doors.] But for now I want to make things right with you. You have been a boyfriend to many, but I don't know if you've had one to yourself. If you want exclusivity rights over boyfriend duties, I can provide what she hasn't.
[Whether or not he entirely understands what he's promising is irrelevant. This is more complicated than helping to repair a building or moving orphans into a new shelter with his father's name over the door, but there has to be a way to make reparations. He'll find the right way and then he'll fix it.]
no subject
But it was different for Mega. Mega had a human body. Mega had no repair module. He had to seek out someone named Elena, who Tech can only assume is a healer. And if it was as serious as the fact that he could have died, then yeah. The anger makes sense. As does the swiftness to forgive with an apology.
He's looking at Mega quietly, a conflicted expression on his face -- somewhere between sympathy and guilt. It all vanishes at the conclusion and the offer. Wait, what? He stares, bewildered. ]
That's not... [ His words come out a little shyer than he expects them to. ] That's not how it works, Mega.
[ Oh what a simple but complicated being Mega is. Tech reaches out a hand and almost, almost lays it on his cheek -- but then he remembers the last time he touched him and that hand simply lingers about an inch from touching skin. So close, the warmth can probably be felt. ]
Don't just offer your boyfriend duties to anyone, okay? They have to be special to you. And right now, I'm happier without a boyfriend or a girlfriend. I need time to process this pain before I'm ready for that kind of commitment again.
[ The hand falls back to his side. ]
You don't have to talk to her about this, either. I think she knows now what she did was wrong when I ended things between me and her. And I hope, if nothing else, she'll learn from this and be a better girlfriend to you.
no subject
Elena says that's okay too. To decide to not be in a relationship at all. You can be a boy friend without being a boyfriend. She says that if you want something real with another person, you have to be able to ask questions and talk about things freely. And -- I hope you feel comfortable talking to me as a friend even without those obligations.
But I do have to talk to Monika. If she's hurting you and other people, she needs to stop. You know how hard it can be for us when one of our kind is misguided. It takes time to unlearn the bad habits. I have to make it right again, so everyone can be happy. Not just us.
[Happy endings don't work if they're only happy for a few.]
no subject
But then he recalls Mega's anger when he said I will not kill which later came with the addendum that under the right circumstances, he would kill. And Tech knows his reasoning wouldn't fall under 'the right circumstances.' It had been impulsive, emotional -- something Proto could probably understand. But not Mega. Never Mega.
His eyes veer toward the ceiling as he hunches against the wall. Even when he was literally running on empty for electrical charge, he's never felt this drained before. Emotional exhaustion truly packs a punch.
Lips curve slightly, a pitiful attempt at a smile. The prospect of having a friend (a "boy" friend) is nice. Even if Mega probably offers friendship to everyone so it's nothing real special. It's nice to have someone want to be his friend without him having to fight so hard to prove he's 'cool' though. ]
You know, you don't have to take it on your shoulders to fix other people's problems. Seriously. Worry about yourself. I would have told you when it happened if I felt I needed it fixed. I healed, so it's no big deal. And I don't think she will be doing it to anyone else.
[ He pauses, sucking a hit off his vape pen. ]
Seriously, her other partners are probably smarter than me and don't tell her if they kiss other people. My mistake was honesty.
no subject
Honesty isn't a mistake. It's important to be honest with the people you care about. And if she's been lying to people then she needs to be honest with them too. That's what I need to fix. She needs help to be better with humans. And if she's not doing as well... That's my responsibility.
no subject
[ He pauses, thinks of Hazel, and then amends. ]
....mostly sure. But anyway, point is, I don't want you to get involved on my behalf. If you're going to talk to her, do it for yourself and keep me out of it as much as possible. I just want to put this shit behind me, and I'm sure she does, too. Break ups are fucking....messy. Complicated. Like trying to get rid of a trojan virus, but it's embedded so deep in the hard drive that the pain keeps resurfacing. It's better to not think about it for a while.
[ Tech shrugs. ]
It's what I'm gonna try to do anyway.
no subject
Is there cleaner software you can run? You can't let a virus stay unchecked. It could hurt you really badly later on.
no subject
Y-yeah. I got a guy, a programmer here who can work on it. Maybe? Probably. I don't know. He'll be able to do something. Figure out a solution.
[ Even if it's just help him forget for a while. ]
In the meantime, if she shows up here, I'd appreciate it if you don't let her anywhere near me or my room for a while. Until I'm better.
[ He doesn't think Monika will -- but just in case, he's really not ready to face her. ]
no subject
[ the smoke was a little terrifying when they tried it before, but by the end it seemed to settle into the sensations that Technical initially promised. It's a slow-working repair, but it does its job eventually. ]
I'll do my best to keep you apart until you're ready. I'll make sure she doesn't come around anymore. If she wants to see me, I'll go to her instead.
no subject
It helps some. I got a strong tolerance, so it's not as effective as it could be. But yeah, I'll definitely be using it.
[ And maybe harder things if it comes down to it. ]
But thanks, Mega. You really do make a great boy [ pause, period, full stop ] friend.
[ The curve of a smile edges his lips. ]
I just hope...
[ ...that Mega doesn't hate him when he finds out the truth. His words veer off and the smile turns sad. ]
I just hope for the best. For you.
no subject
You're a good boy friend as well. And I want to do everything I can to help you recover from your emotional overload. If there's anything you need, please let me know. I'll get it for you, no matter what it is.