[Jaskier and Tech have never really explicitly spoken about what happened with Mammon both because Jaskier can guess well enough and Tech was more than a little (understandably) reluctant to go into details. But what happens there when Tech almost speaks of it now is different than all those times before. There isn't searching for the right euphemism since they've already come up with plenty up to this point. It isn't the hesitation that precedes trying to push down whatever ugly memory is about to arise at its mention. It's like the memories simply aren't there.]
[He hardly knows what to make of it, the notion of Tech's trauma with all of this going so deep that he's completely obliterated it from his current memory... But it's also not just that. If Tech had the ability to remove something that ran so deep as that, then that meant... That meant it was a choice. It was a choice that every memory of Jaskier, of their time together, their promises and dreams were all pointedly chosen to stay. Tech wasn't just trying to protect him by withdrawing like this. He made sure that Jaskier was still loved. That he wouldn't find himself alone or without Tech again. It's such a strange feeling as both these realizations sink in simultaneously for Jaskier.]
[One weighs heavily in his chest. He feels his heart ache so much it feels it is about to break for Tech that he's finally reached his limit of what he can take that this was the only solution. The only safe one anyways.]
[But the other has the opposite effect. Jaskier's heart flutters with a pleasant, indescribable warmth at the thought of being so singularly loved that he finds himself without words for any of it. He's always believed so much in their love, feeling that it would carry them through anything and that they would always find their way back to one another no matter what, but having that belief realized...]
[A breath Jaskier didn't even realize he was holding escapes him in the form of a shaky laugh as he blinks away the sting behind his eyes.]
No, no, [he says with a small shake of his head.] No, um— No more questions. [There's a flicker of a wider smile for a moment.] Burning or otherwise.
But one more thing. [Jaskier takes his hand back while stepping closer to Tech while wrapping his arm loosely around Tech's neck.] Well. Two things. One, [he says, smoothing his hand over Tech's tie,] I didn't say it earlier, but you look very handsome. One might even be so bold as to say that you are not only a vision, but that every goddess and muse of beauty and art is to find herself frustrated that she could never create something so radiant and perfect as you. So, I think we can agree that your earlier theory of re-wearing pieces as being poor practice is utter bullshit. And two...
[Jaskier's hand at Tech's tie slides up to find his cheek as he presses a couple of kisses to Tech's lips. Each one is gentle and chaste, but no less affectionate or warm with Jaskier's barely contained smile. Before he slips away from Tech, he lightly nuzzles noses with him and says,]
Now you can make the coffee.
[On his way out of the kitchen for the living room, Jaskier picks up Tech's phone from where he tossed it onto the counter to bring with him.]
[ Jaskier steps in and the arm around his neck seems to denote an acceptance. Of him, of this, of them. There's warmth on his face and he gently touches the side of Jaskier's hip. To the compliment about his attire, he laughs -- a soft throaty sound. ]
You're just bumping gums.
[ The smile on his face indicates it's a playful slang. A way of saying he's saying a lot of nonsense. But Tech still takes the compliment, not with shyness, but acceptance. Jaskier says he's a vision, so in Jaskier's eyes, he must be. ]
Be still my heart. I'm not so sure the clothes will be staying on for that much longer if you keep singing like that, canary.
[ There's a thoughtful pause. ]
I am terribly wasteful, though, aren't I?
[ Which isn't to say Tech as he is now isn't entirely indulgent. He's rich. He's doing well in the world. Even a world between wars. But history has also shaped his opinions. It's fine to wear an expensive suit more times than once. It's perfectly fine to get things gently used by others. And if you have something, don't waste it. Food is not so easy to come by.
But the future had been informed by excess, and he shifted with the times. Maybe if no other habits remain, he can keep some of this mentality. It will certainly help him and Jaskier live an easier life in hell.
Each of those kisses are gently returned until the grand finale of the eskimo kiss. His palms move upward to clasp Jaskier's cheeks and hold him there a few seconds longer before he finally lets him go. Hard as it is to part ways for even a second, the sooner they do, the sooner they could cozy up. ]
Make sure to warm a spot for me, dearest. It's awful chilly today.
[ And with that, Tech gets their coffee going. He keeps his black and then makes Jaskier's cup to his preference, bringing them out in their personal mugs. The mugs weren't particularly personalized, but there had come to be an explicit understanding that Jaskier would drink out of the green mug and Tech out of the cream colored one (and Ava out of that red mug that would remain where it is now, collecting dust). It's just a thing that happened with Tech's penchant for maintaining patterns to a point where it was more than easy to throw him in a tizzy if Jaskier ever switched it up to be playful. He carries the steaming cups out to the coffee table and then settles against Jaskier, folding into him. ]
You gonna perform tonight? Or are you taking the night off?
[Jaskier sets Tech's phone down on the coffee table, placing both of his own beside them. Looking at them as he toes off his boots, Jaskier thinks they're probably going to have to have some kind of conversation about the importance of keeping his phone on him at all times. Even if it's not like he gets the same amount of power off the use of it anymore and therefore doesn't feel as particularly compelled to make use of it anymore, Jaskier would certainly feel better knowing there's always a way to reach him when they're not together.]
[But that's a conversation for another time.]
[By the time Tech brings the coffee in, Jaskier's occupied a corner of the couch. Well. A corner of the couch and then some. Much as he might nestle himself in that small space between the arm and back of the couch, Jaskier's always one to sprawl and he has to move his legs out of the way for Tech to settle in close beside him. Tech still ends up with Jaskier's legs in his lap though once seated. He shakes his head a little.]
Most are still getting resettled back into their rooms, so I think I'd mostly be singing to a bunch of disgruntled hotel staff instead. But I'd also rather be at home with you tonight.
[Jaskier's gotten used to returning nearly every night ending in some way with Tech. While they were separated, it was a phone call. A phone call that even while difficult still did so much for Jaskier in providing a small reprieve from the horrors around him. And while they were at Lucifer's mansion, it was returning to the same shared space as Tech, curled up in bed beside him and talking until neither one of them could keep their eyes open any longer. It's a predictable rhythm and routine they've managed to build with one another. And so, with the return back to this place... Jaskier is alright with easing into that routine a little sooner. Even with this sudden loop he's been thrown for with Tech's change in disposition.]
[Rather than reaching for the coffee, Jaskier leaves it to cool for a little while longer and takes one of Tech's hands into both of his instead. He presses a kiss to his fingertips in one of his typical, unprovoked kisses that always seem to happen on a whim.]
[ Jaskier staying with him for the night only serves to make the night better. Even in this life, Tech ended most of his evenings alone. Out at clubs, fraternizing and rubbing elbows with fellow gods -- but when it came time to return to his room, he was largely alone. It's a nice change of pace to have someone there to warm his lap and kiss his fingers. ]
Tomorrow brings us one day closer to holiday season. You might not like all of them. You especially won't like Halloween, but Christmas? Oh, sweetheart, you're going to love Christmas. We'll get a tree and put it in the corner over there.
[ He gestures toward a spot in the living room where there's an empty space. ]
And we'll decorate it together. And for one month, everything will be bright and colorful. And there will be presents under the tree that we open together on Christmas morning. They're wrapped in the most beautiful paper with ribbons and I so intend to spoil you rotten.
[ His lips gently meet the side of Jaskier's neck. ]
And there will be oversized, red stockings hung on the mantle for tiny trinkets. Three of them. One for you, me, and Calanthe...of course. So knowing this all is only a few months away, you better start preparing now, songbird.
[Tech's assumption that Jaskier would be enamored with Christmas isn't a poor one to make. Although it really has a lot less to do with the prospect of being terribly spoiled or even hoping things truly are so bright and wonderful for a time like he says they will be. No, it's really everything else that gives Jaskier a bit of excitement. Because even if it's only a handful of months away, it's been a while since Jaskier's heard Tech speak of any sort of future without Jaskier being the one to start the conversation in the first place. And not only is he talking about the future, but there's also the hope of new traditions that come with it. Memories they can make together as yet another part of their story. Together. Honestly, that alone... It means more than Jaskier can really put into words.]
[But Jaskier supposes he ought to feel more conflicted about all of it, too. After all, the only way Tech is able to talk like this is by having forgotten nearly everything else that was weighing him down so much. And to put it simply, Tech shouldn't have to excise anything about himself to make it possible. Not even the parts that hurt.]
[Jaskier lowers their hands to his lap, giving Tech's hand a light squeeze.]
[But it's honest, isn't it? When Tech's heart is able to be lighter and freer, he's able to not just embrace this love of theirs, but find a path forward. He can still find a kind of hope in it. Being unburdened like this doesn't shape Tech's wants, but it allows him to believe in and express them with the sort of courage that Jaskier's always wanted Tech to possess. Jaskier though that if there was one thing he'd want Tech to keep from all this, it'd be all of this affection he gives so freely and without a second thought, but Jaskier's very quickly changing his mind. It's that brilliant eye to the future. That hope, that light amid all the dark. That's what Jaskier wants Tech to hold onto more than anything.]
[He hums his agreement as he lets go of Tech's hand with one hand to tilt Tech's face away from his neck and towards his own, bringing their foreheads together gently. He traces along Tech's cheekbone until fingertips slip into Tech's hair and silently, he prays that when the pieces of Tech come back together into that wonderful, beautiful whole, don't let him be a music box that's found its parts all in order again. Let it be the morning lark that finds his song.]
Although there is one small problem with that. You already spoil me terribly as it is, [he says with a grin.] Are you sure you're really prepared to deal with the consequences of spoiling me even more? Personally, I think you think you are, but you really aren't.
And I think you are underestimating me. I'm a god, my love. What is our gift other than to spoil the humans who have most captivated us?
[ His free hand comes up to brush the edge of Jaskier's angular jaw, appreciating the curve of his stubbled chin and dipping along his throat. This man is a work of art. A vision. He could look at him for the rest of his life and never tire of what he sees. Even as the wrinkles and age inevitably take his face, those blue eyes would always remain. They would always reflect his heart, always be vibrant and full of life until its unfortunate end. ]
And by the gods have you captivated me from the moment I first laid eyes on you.
[ Though because Tech doesn't want the distinction drawn between him and his other lives, he doesn't emphasize it. But it truly was him who was the one first won over. After all, he is the part of this whole who loved going to clubs and watching live performances. He is the one who was giddy when he saw Columbia's performance and caught her hat. He is the one who would most appreciate a bard's song. Tech didn't remember, but he didn't have to remember because those pieces of his past life are always there. Like echoes. Remnants. And once he chose emotions, he could no longer shut out ghost traces of who he had been.
He rests his chin on Jaskier's shoulder, looking up at him. ]
I don't know if you remember the second night we spoke. I started to say something and then never finished. And you never asked what it was. I know you would likely never take me up on it. After all, you already spoke of the future you wanted. But it is entirely possible to take an ordinary man and turn him into a god. And a part of me thought if I spread your gospel to the masses, perhaps I could gift you a new life. Perhaps you would consider spending that life with me. Even back then, I knew I wanted you to be part of my future.
[Were Tech to share that notion with others, it's possible they might approach it with skepticism or otherwise entire disbelief. But where Jaskier is from, a curse can both be made manifest or broken by emotion alone if strong enough. So, the specifics of what Tech says really doesn't strike Jaskier as much as the sentiment behind it does. That want of a future... Well, it makes plenty of sense to Jaskier as to why Tech didn't say it then. He hadn't even dared to do more than simply be close to Jaskier then. How could he then have possibly given voice to wanting Jaskier to be part of his future beyond the promise of carrying Jaskier's story with him wherever he ended up after all this? It doesn't take a genius to know that it was probably easier to frame it as finding a story worth telling over a want like that.]
[Jaskier is quiet a moment, a thoughtful look on his face.]
I suppose that's why I hesitated to tell you. What I want for us.
[They hadn't talked about it then since Tech hadn't finished the thought before they moved the conversation along. It was the night they first made love instead. Jaskier let it be known he didn't have any desire to live beyond his natural life—not even for the sake of more time with anyone that he might love would he ever choose something like that—and he wasn't ignorant to how Tech struggled with understanding, with allowing that choice to go unchallenged. Because that wasn't a god of technology that balked at the idea of someone not wanting to reach for immortality when it could be so easily offered to him. Perhaps the perspective of a being for which the entirety of Jaskier's lifespan is a mere breath or blink of an eye, but on the whole, it was a man who feared that when the time came and their paths diverged, it would be too soon. After all, who willingly ever decides grief for themselves? Who stares down that reality of heartbreak and chooses it anyways because of the wonders that might precede it? Mostly wouldn't. It requires a certain kind of strength and courage that Jaskier isn't even sure he possesses himself. So, of course, Tech clung to the idea of his solution. That if he could just extend Jaskier's life, if they could have forever...]
[But Jaskier doesn't want forever. He wants a good life. One filled with curiosity and exploration and adventure and, yes, a great deal of happiness and laughter and music love, and all the other delights one might have in a lifetime. He wants it to be the most amazing, beautiful story that one might ever tell. But he doesn't want forever. He's not meant for it and he doesn't want it.]
[So, knowing that he was unwilling to make that choice for Tech, how the fuck could he ever possibly ask Tech to make the choice of more or less its opposite?]
Part of the reason why, anyway. [He smiles a little at Tech, his fingers still running the same, predictable line through Tech's hair.] Because I've also always meant it. And always will. You've spent enough lifetimes having to shape yourself into someone else's idea of who you're meant to be for the sake of their happiness. I want you to choose your happiness this time.
[He never wanted his own wants to interfere with that and create this unspoken pressure for Tech to choose based on what he thinks would make Jaskier happiest. It had been a relief when Tech was able to honestly say he wasn't sure which path he would choose when Jaskier first brought it up. That he would genuinely think about whether a single lifetime on the Continent would make him happier than spreading Jaskier's name and music as far and wide as he could reach. And it's made Jaskier the happiest knowing that he followed through with that and really thought about it. Jaskier squeezes Tech's hand lightly.]
Our futures, Destinies, stories, whatever you want to call it, are intertwined regardless. There isn't a single outcome of this where we're without the other. [Jaskier presses a kiss to Tech's forehead.] So, it's only ever mattered to me that your choice is what makes you happiest.
[ It's easy for Jaskier to talk this way because he's still a man filled with hope and the belief in love. And love is a powerful thing. Without a doubt, it is. But Tech's not so certain he can believe Jaskier's words about there not being a single outcome where they're without each other. He can think of one. An outcome where there is no choice -- they both have to return to their respective worlds. And as a result, once they return to the timelines they belong in -- they won't ever remember having met. Jaskier will go on to live his life and Tech would go on to be entrapped by World. Both none the wiser regarding this wonderful thing they shared.
Their future might not be in their hands. It's an exceedingly optimistic hope that it would be. But Tech has never found proof that it's possible to change a world. He's just working on the hypothetical -- that if there's a door that opens up and brings them all here from different universes, the same should be true in reverse. But truth be told, he doesn't know for sure. And at points, he doesn't even know where to begin looking.
Without comment, Tech sits up and detaches his hand from Jaskier's so he can take a sip of his coffee. It's not the finest coffee he's ever tasted, but it's unlikely one will find that in hell. ]
That would be quite the caper if we could pull off that ending.
[ There's something he can't quite remember. Something that feels relevant. Something he might have wanted to bring up as a point as to why they shouldn't think so far ahead. But instead, he purses his lips as though he's tasted something sour and sets his coffee back on its coaster. ]
I'm not so sure it's as clear cut as you make it sound, canary. It's easy to say the end goal as though a wish and a prayer might make it happen. But we're in hell. That sort of thing has a price. And that isn't even talking how much it'll cost to pay that price. I fully believe the only way to get this future of our dreams is through the big man upstairs.
[ Tech points toward the ceiling. ]
And he has not been noted in the good book for being especially kind to other deities. Bit of an ego and a complex. I would need to sully my hands a bit to even get that audience.
[ It had always been in his plans to utilize Emmanuel as a tool -- whether negotiating on his behalf or...more forceful measures. It's the only thing he knows for certain that would get God's attention. ]
All I'm saying is, while not impossible -- it's not going to be easy. And every day that goes by without a clear cut plan, there's always a risk one of us could wake up to an empty bed.
[ There it is again. That sour feeling. The feeling of something lost. Something forgotten. He shakes it off and returns to his prior position. ]
So there's a real choice that's gotta be made, songbird. Do we just sit back and enjoy our time or do we fight to control our destiny?
[When Tech pulls away, Jaskier sits himself up a little further upright and folds his arms across his chest. Tech's words don't feel like the sudden cold shock of reality to Jaskier. This isn't coming to Jaskier as some sort of grand realization. He's not being forcibly awakened from a dream or pulled from a wonderful fantasy. But there is something about his words that stings all the same and Jaskier's expression pinches as he listens, choosing to look away to some spot nearby on the floor. When he spots Tech beginning to move back into his space out of his periphery, Jaskier puts a hand up to keep him in his own space. His legs come out of Tech's lap entirely as he swings them down onto the floor. The pause of silence from him lingers a while longer, only ending when Jaskier's gaze finally lifts to Tech again.]
I will confess that I am nothing if not a hopeless romantic. I will even admit that I hold onto hope far longer than most. Perhaps even longer than I ought to. But Tech... [Jaskier reaches for one of Tech's hands and takes it into his own, holding onto it much tighter than he normally does.] Tech, I need you to understand I made my choice a long time ago and I did so knowing there was a cost.
[Even with as much as Jaskier tends to infuse optimism into everything, he's not naive or blind to reality and all its complications. He's always known that loving Tech would always come with its risks and challenges, and that there's always been that possibility it will end in nothing but pain or worse. Hell, he was the one who acknowledged a sense of helplessness around the notion that Jaskier wouldn't remember Tech and there would be nothing to remedy that. It was Tech who inspired the hope for something else. And he's known that happy endings don't simply happen, and that would be especially true here in this place. But none of that has discouraged him or sent him away even when his feelings were not nearly as strong or deep as they are now.]
[So, it's not a matter of what Tech will give up or have to do to make it happen. It's not up to Tech to come up with every possibility or plan they might try. And that's why Tech's words had stung. Tech was expressing want of that future, a willingness to commit himself to it, but it still felt like Jaskier was being shut out and dismissed in some capacity. Treated more like a child with a fanciful albeit naive understanding of how the world works than someone who has an equal stake in this. They need to be in this together. If there's to be any hope of success, they have to be in it together.]
[ It's unexpected when Jaskier keeps him at a distance. When he puts up his hand and physically blocks Tech from returning to him. Tech reels toward him in surprise. Surprise turns to confusion and then ultimately a quiet hurt. Even when Jaskier moves into his space just enough to take his hand, the hurt remains and Tech pries it back from Jaskier's grasp -- setting it on his lap. ]
I'm not saying you didn't.
[ He doesn't understand where the rejection came from -- what hurt Jaskier enough to force the distance. And he tries for a moment to figure out where what he said got misconstrued. Maybe it was simply his tone? He shakes his head. ]
What I'm trying to say is a critique of the both of us. We've spent a whole lot of time loving each other and a lot less time planning our future heist. There is a time limit. The more we wait for a tomorrow to start forming a real plan, the more we chance tomorrow being stolen from us. And we can't wait, otherwise....otherwise....
[ A blinding flash of pain hits him, both physical and emotional. It steals his breath and robs reality. For a brief moment, he can see a pretty dame and her smiling face, doll-like lips and beautiful brown eyes. She walks on ahead, further and further until she disappears out of reach. A shapeless figure. Formless. Forgotten.
A single tear runs down his cheek and Tech jerks when it hits his hand. He reaches up to touch the dampened trail in confusion before his hand returns to his lap, shaking his head. ]
I suppose now isn't the best time to have this conversation. Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything at all.
[Her name is right on the tip of Jaskier's tongue when Tech begins to trail off, but it turns to ash and dies just as quickly when the tear slips from his eye and he seems so surprised by it. Jaskier's brow furrows as it sinks in. It's not enough to simply remove any memories of Mammon. He's forgotten about Ava, too. So he doesn't have to carry the pain of losing her, even if for only a little while. Jaskier wants to reach out and comfort him, but with how Tech's pulled his hand away... He looks away instead, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs to fidget with one of his rings lest another nervous habit emerges.]
No, [he says softly.] No, I don't think so.
[And for a moment, it's perhaps unclear to which part of what Tech said Jaskier is disagreeing with specifically. But it's only a moment. Jaskier draws a breath to steady himself before he shifts back to his original position, tucking his legs in close to himself to respect Tech's space but allowing himself to face Tech more fully. He doesn't think anything Tech is saying shouldn't be said. In fact, he thinks it's something that Tech has likely been stewing on for weeks after Ava's disappearance, but something's gotten in the way of saying as much to Jaskier.]
I think you're right, Tech. We don't really say anything to each other lately. These past few weeks... [Jaskier's brow furrows a little as his lips pinch together.] These past few weeks, it hasn't felt like you've been with me. You've been somewhere else. Far away... I don't know. I'm not saying it's been like that all the time. Because it hasn't. Gods, it hasn't. But... [He looks down, curling and uncurling his fingers into the fabric of his pantlegs for a moment.] There have been more times lately that I've missed you when you're physically right next to me.
[He lifts his gaze to Tech again, shaking his head a little because he doesn't mean to sound like he's putting any sort of blame on Tech for it. He knows Tech's been going through a lot and any of it would cause someone to withdraw to some extent or another. But it's also been on Jaskier, too. He's been present, sure, and there whenever Tech's needed him, but that hasn't really been enough, has it?]
I won't speak for you, but I... I know for me, I've been scared. Scared of pushing you away without meaning to. Or making you feel like you haven't a choice or like I've put more on you when you're already hurting so badly. [He swallows thickly after speaking of those fears aloud, feeling the weight of them resting heavily in his chest.] And that's not fair. To you. To me. It's... It's not what I promised you.
[Jaskier doesn't even know if Tech remembers it specifically or precisely, but it was a promise made all the same that night with the mares. Jaskier promised he wouldn't hold back from Tech out of fear it would be too much for Tech. Any time he decided to wait or hold back, it would be because Jaskier needed more time with it.]
So, maybe right now isn't the best time for that particular conversation. Given that you're... [He pauses a moment, trying to find the correct euphemism to even begin describing what's going on for Tech right now. There really isn't one, so he settles for the best he can in trying to say that his memory's more akin to swiss cheese at the moment than a full understanding and knowledge of everything.] ...sorting things out.
[And then he moves on the couch again. This time, Jaskier places himself right next to Tech and makes himself as close as he can get without trying to be on top of him.]
Maybe, instead, until things are sorted, [he says, holding his hand out to Tech to take rather than trying to take his hand back into his own,] we could try to talk more along the way when we feel ready for it? Because I don't think either one of us needs to be protected from the other. I love you and I trust you too much to feel like I need that. But I think maybe we could both stand to get over ourselves a bit and stop trying so stubbornly to go at this thing of ours alone as much as we have been.
[Jaskier offers Tech a small, warm smile, but more than that there is something else in Jaskier's gaze. It's just a spark not yet breathed enough life into to be considered a flame, but there it's a boldness and determination. If Tech can somehow preserve all his memories of Jaskier while allowing everything else to fall away, then Jaskier sure as hell can do whatever it takes to keep him from slipping away. Because there's no denying that Tech has been crashing and burning for a while, fracturing and fraying at every possible edge. And yet, he still held on tighter than Jaskier knows he could ever possibly understand to not just prevent Jaskier from feeling alone, but to keep Jaskier for himself. So, Jaskier might not have much by way of abilities or any particular strengths, but that doesn't mean he can't fight for this, for Tech, and push past whatever doubts or insecurities he has for the sake of them.]
[ It would be a very simple thing to shrug off the responsibility. To say, well I wasn't the one who caused you to feel that way. Because technically it wasn't him as he is now. But that would be the wrong thing to say because Tech as he is doesn't want there to be a distinguishable line between now and then. Which unfortunately means adopting the parts where he behaved in a less than stellar way. Even if he can't remember the circumstances surrounding them, necessarily. It won't be productive to have a conversation about it now because of the lack of context, but at least he can file it away as a way Jaskier feels and address it as best as he can now.
With the offered hand, Tech slides his hand back into it -- giving his fingers a gentle squeeze. He looks at Jaskier for a moment, then to their laps, and then off to the wall. There is one thing he knows for certain and one thing he thinks might have contributed to some of his distance. ]
While there are a lot of similarities in how we love one another, there are also differences in what we believe love can and should be. You believe you can love others freely and without abandon. I believe love should be more contained and special, given only to one or two people at most. Neither of our views are wrong. But they don't necessarily align with each other, Jaskier.
[ His eyes veer toward their hands. ]
But you've always said you want me to make my own choice. And that is something I will have to decide. Whether I can handle sharing a space in your heart or whether it's going to hurt me too much in the long run. Things are wonderful in so many ways...it's my preference to find a solution that allows us to continue this thing between us. But a lot of the time that solution seems like it boils down to me being expected to just get over it. And that's not a solution. That's just a fast track to resentment.
[ His thumb traces the edge of Jaskier's fingers, the sides not the tips. ]
I don't want to resent you. But I do want you aware there's a limit to what I'm going to be able to reasonably handle. I don't want to change you or force you into a box. That's the last thing I want because then the resentment would come from the other side. So I just need you to understand, Jaskier. There may come a time when I need to walk away from this in order to keep both of us in tact.
[It's not acceptance or acquiescence. Small and as shaky as it is, it's an acknowledgment of what Tech's said as what Tech says needs to settle for Jaskier. It's not what Jaskier wants to hear. Of course, it's not. But hearing something that he doesn't want to isn't what makes it so difficult to let it settle enough to think of something else to say immediately. It isn't what causes his heart to start suddenly beating so loudly and quickly that it seems Tech should hear it, too. No, it's that slow, crushing press of all his fears being stirred in a single stroke. Whispers from the shadows of his mind threatening the spark with every word, driving Jaskier to look away from Tech with a fluttering of lashes against the burn behind his eyes. His hand grips at Tech's tighter, much like he had gripped at Tech after the mares, to the point that some distant part of Jaskier's mind that can't get a word in right now recognizes it's probably uncomfortable for Tech.]
[I wouldn't resent you, he wants to say, but he doesn't. The voice is small, weak, and more importantly irrelevant. If Tech can't understand how little Jaskier's capable of resentment in those circumstances... It's not really the point either. It's just distracting from the tightness in his chest that makes it feel impossible to breathe.]
[Gods, it's that familiar ache. The one he felt after the first time Tech kissed him and the fire of his desire and passion seemed to dim to embers once he came to his senses. It's what is always there waiting for him when the novelty of the famous bard wears off or Julian is found to be too little different from Jaskier. It's the very same that carried him down the side of a mountain.]
[Too much and not enough. All at once. Just like always.]
[And not just that. Not just being too much and not enough. No, it's also something that would have him take the shape of those who came before him. Kaiba and Monika. Perhaps even World. Where his love is just a weapon that can no longer give, only take from Tech. Only push and manipulate Tech into what is the easiest and never asks anything of Jaskier. The very sort that Jaskier's always sworn he would never be.]
[I would never, he wants to protest. Tech, you have to believe me, I wouldn't do something like that to you. But he doesn't because some part of Jaskier recognizes that Tech says he wants to stay, and Jaskier would like to trust, would like to believe, that means he already knows Jaskier wouldn't do something like that knowingly. That he would never want Tech to feel like he needs to just get over it and if he can't simply comply, then he can fuck off because there is no reason to love him.]
[But what if he doesn't? What if Tech is only assuming these are his two options? What if he assumes that love only has to hurt in the end? What if every time there's ever been a brighter future spoken of, he's only purely pretended it was even a possibility for Jaskier's sake? Is Jaskier just living in a dream, refusing to wake up?]
[Jaskier looks to Tech through blurry eyes, a tear or two slipping by as he's otherwise frozen for a moment before remembering finally how to breathe. Because no, no, no. Jaskier moves into Tech's lap then because even if it's selfish as fuck of him to want that closeness right now, he's not going to let Tech carry doubts about what Jaskier wants. About who he wants. That Tech can say these things that can sometimes frighten Jaskier, sometimes even hurt him, and he's just going to recoil or withdraw or otherwise offer some fucked up form of punishment for having the audacity to speak up for himself.]
[At the same time though, Jaskier doesn't want Tech to back down from what he's said. As much as it's hurt to hear him say it, Jaskier knows looking for comfort, for something to soothe those fears can be just as terrible as suddenly withdrawing or lashing out if that's all there is.]
That first night we spent in Lucifer's mansion, when we made love, I told you, if something I did didn't feel right or hurt, I wanted you to tell me because I want it to feel good, and I want you to feel confident and sexy. Do you remember? [It's more of a rhetorical question than anything as Jaskier releases Tech's hand in favor of placing it over Tech's heart.] Those same rules apply to everything between us, darling. Everything.
So, I never— ...I don't want you to feel those are your only choices. To swallow it or leave. I want you to talk to me before it gets to that point. Because, my dearest heart, I want to love you. I want to love you the way you deserve. The way you should have been loved the moment the humans of your world breathed life into you and from each lifetime to the next that you've lived.
[Jaskier shakes his head a little as he raises a hand to caress Tech's cheek as though he were the most precious thing in all the worlds. Truly he is mankind's greatest achievement, but not because of his godhood or all the things that have been created in his name. No, no. It's because of who he is. Even fragmented as he is at the moment, this heart of Jaskier's beats for him right here and now.]
And that means I don't just want the parts of your heart that you think I'll like. I want all of it. [The soft, vulnerable, and delicate parts that Jaskier will protect with every fiber of his being. The ugly, jagged, and broken parts that Jaskier could very easily rip himself to shreds with. All of it.] So, please don't hold it in when it hurts, Tech. Please, please don't shut me out of your heart like that. [It's already felt like that's exactly what's been happening for several weeks now and Jaskier knows without a single doubt in his mind, that's not what he wants.] Let me help. Let me be part of this. Part of us.
[Jaskier doesn't make any sort of promise of having the solution in hand. He can't possibly make that promise when he feels he knows so little of what's going on, what needs to change to not have Tech feeling so backed into a familiar corner. But what he can promise, what he can declare is exactly what he's said. Jaskier won't let Tech go without a fight. Without exhausting every possible solution and option there is. He can't. He won't.]
[But it's also as Jaskier is asking and implying: Tech needs to allow Jaskier to fight for them, too. He needs to not just treat it as a problem with him that needs to be solved. Because even as he says that he doesn't feel that either of their perspectives are wrong, Tech is still trapped in his own thinking. He still sees it in such stark black and white, all or nothing, because that's all he's ever known it to be. Either he decides or, more likely, the other person decides how things are going to be, and that's that. But it won't work. Exactly as Tech says, that can't work. But if he can take a chance with Jaskier, if he can trust Jaskier enough to try, they can find that grey together. They can find that light of possibility for their future instead of that fatalistic heartbreak.]
[Because that's who they are as Jaskier knows them to be. They are melodies and harmonies that sound pretty and pleasing enough on their own, but when brought together? Oh, it is the most brilliant composition anyone could be so lucky as to experience with both enhancing the other and never striving or competing to outshine. They are two dancers locked together in a dance to which neither truly knows all the steps, and yet are willing to yield the lead to the other when it seems they know the next portion best. Two broken hearts that find wholeness with one another.]
[ He doesn't like it. The way that okay sounds. So small and thin, and exactly why Tech imagines he's been focused more on the present than a future. Because a future would have to address this eventually, and of course it hurts Jaskier which causes guilt to manifest. He shouldn't have said anything. Especially because it's not exactly his place to say something. This is a conversation that should be had when he's back to 'normal' so to speak.
He sucks a breath in through his teeth when Jaskier starts to cry on top of it. Great. He especially fucked up now. An apology starts in his stomach and makes its way to his throat. He's about to redact what he said, tell Jaskier to nevermind it all....and he's just confused. Speculating on things that might not be true. Something. Anything to wash that pain away. But the words never make it that far because Jaskier winds up in his lap. His brows knit and his hand instinctively finds the small of Jaskier's back, settling gently against it.
When the hand Jaskier has squeezed so tightly until now is released, he takes a moment to rub at his own fingers before following Jaskier's hand to his chest, resting against the back of his knuckles. A gesture Tech knows is significant between the two of them, even if he can't fully remember why. ]
I know, songbird. I know. You are the best thing that's ever come into my life. I'm not going to give up on you. You once said that love takes many shapes. And I will always, always love you. Even if the shape of that love someday changes. There's no scenario where you lose me entirely. That much I can promise.
[ Tech nestles his nose against the crook of Jaskier's neck affectionately. ]
But at the same time, I very much enjoy the shape of our love as it is. So I will fight for this thing with you by my side. Not against you. You are every bit a part of this, canary...and I'm sorry if I've made you feel as though you're not.
[ Kisses feather across Jaskier's jaw until they reach his lips. He doesn't kiss him, though, and lingers instead mere inches away where they can share breath. ]
I feel like I've lost something. Something significant. And I feel like that shaped the way I behaved and forced me to think about things like this a lot. Don't tell me what it is. I don't want to know. I'm just trying to put things into perspective as best as I can see them.
[ His thumb traces Jaskier's knuckles idly, a back and forth soothing touch. But it might be himself he's trying to sooth more than anything. ]
I've refused to....address this loss. With you. About how terrified and insignificant and small it makes me feel. How powerless I am. And how as long as this thing was in my life, there was a balance. There were never moments I had to be alone. And now there are. And I just don't understand how I can be a god and still never get to hold onto the things I love.
[Every little touch, every scrap of affection from Tech helps ease the tension within Jaskier, quieting and softening the noise of all his fears. He wants to tell Tech to kiss him, to hold him tighter until there's nothing left of them. But Jaskier knows it would only drive them to distraction because of what it would take for complete silence. Assuming, of course, that they could be completely silenced right now. So, no. No, it's better to take these gentle comforts as Tech offers them to Jaskier and sit with them quieter.]
[They're easier to ignore anyway when Tech speaks of the pain he's been carrying all this time because Jaskier's heart aches for him. Because it's not as though Jaskier hasn't known how deep the loss of Ava's cut for Tech is and the unspeakable amount of pain and grief he's been locked into. But knowing and hearing it directly are two different things, and Jaskier can't help but ache for Tech. The tears come to his eyes, but they do not fall while listening to Tech speak of a grief he's only somewhat familiar with right now. Gods, what he wouldn't give to take it all away from him. To have him never experience such pain and loss.]
[And yet, he wouldn't. Not really.]
[In the end, even if Jaskier had that ability to do something Tech couldn't even do for himself despite his best attempt to hide from all of it... Jaskier would never take it away. Because Ava was too good, too important to the person Tech is and who he will become someday. Their love saved him from that dark and lonely path he was hurtling towards before her. And even if it hurts so much now to be without her, even if Tech is lost and afraid in the aftermath, Jaskier still cannot shake the belief that it's better to know that pain than to have never known Ava's love even for a second.]
Oh, darling, [he breathes, his voice remaining barely above a whisper.] My darling, I am so sorry you're hurting this much.
[The words don't feel meaningless, but they feel so little in the wake of all that. And yet, they're the only ones that he thinks are safe enough to say right now without telling Tech what it is that he's lost. He can really only acknowledge the pain, the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy. All those things that make Tech so breathtakingly human despite what he truly is, leading him to such frustration and even deeper grief. But it's not the only thing he can say. It's not the only thing he can do.]
We'll need to talk about it. Later. When you remember for yourself what it is you've lost. [Jaskier's hand turns over beneath Tech's to hold it. He's much gentler this time as he interlaces their fingers with one another, resting the back of his hand against Tech's chest.] But in the meantime, I'll come back. I won't sleep at the hotel. I promise that I'll come home. To our bed. To you.
[ Eyes linger on their held hands. The empathy Jaskier extends to him simultaneously means a lot and little. Tech doesn't remember what the condolences would be connected to, but it does reach a part of him that does know. A part of him that's reluctant to ever share the grief because maybe if he holds onto that pain alone, Ava will never truly be gone. But that's not fair to Jaskier. It's not fair to only give Jaskier half of his heart and keep the other half firmly buried in shadow, never to see light again.
He tightens his embrace for a moment, giving a reassuring squeeze. Tech chooses not to answer directly, letting the physical gesture be his answer alone. He can't say what he'll eventually share. That's up to him in the future, but he's certain at some point -- this will likely be something they talk about in full. As reluctant and scared as he is, he'll be able to eventually find bravery with Jaskier.
But for the moment, Tech can say something else. Something he knows has been on his mind for a while -- something that only seemed like a pipe dream because he was certain Jaskier would say no. Maybe he still would. Maybe the offer to take up a part of his bed and call this 'home' was only a temporary one until things reached a new normal. But Jaskier shared his dream where they traveled together -- where they spent nearly every day as a part of each others lives. Would it be so strange to share maybe a few years in hell living in the same place? ]
Why...only come home to our bed? Why not...make this home? Move out of the hotel and into our house? We can build it together...
[ His eyes drift to the mural on the wall and the piano in the foyer. This house had little pieces of Jaskier attached to it from the beginning -- from the very first moment Tech moved in. It was where their relationship really began to take shape and a true new beginning for Tech as he moved out of the hotel and over here. Their song played its first notes on that piano. The lute strummed its first tune on the floor. They first made love here and had since taken to christening nearly every room in some way with said love making. This had always been Jaskier's home away from home. He never felt like a guest.
So why not make it official? Or would that be too official? Jaskier wasn't really the sort who would ever settle down in marriage and maybe moving in with Tech would be too domestic for him. Maybe that was just another aspect of their relationship that's too different from one another. Tech didn't need marriage, but he wasn't ever opposed to it. It stood as the pinnacle of love -- the ultimate declaration that what he had with someone was unbreakable. To have and to hold. To love and to cherish. In sickness and in health. Til death do us part.
He looks down at the ring on his finger. Jaskier's signet ring. Sure, it's only temporarily in his possession, but it is kind of indicative of the same sort of values, right? It's there to help Tech find his way back -- to always be able to find home. And as he studies it, he finds himself less fearful of Jaskier saying no to his proposal. Because more than he realizes, maybe they've always been on the same page. ]
[For a moment, Jaskier's stunned into a bit of silence as Tech's eyes drift away from him to the more tangible pieces of their relationship. He's lived with his past lovers before, the ones that most would consider to be more serious by virtue of lasting longer than a few nights of passion. But even with those, the arrangements only lasted perhaps a few months and that's all they really were. Arrangements. It was little different than Jaskier opting to stay at an inn for the winter months rather than risking difficult travel whereby once spring came and his restless wanderlust seemed to be at its peak, he would leave and there wouldn't be a trace of him to speak of after. Even with the Countess de Stael, who arguably was his very first heartbreak, Jaskier was a guest within her estate. It was never something to call his own and when she threw him out for the final albeit umpteenth time, there was no evidence he'd ever been there.]
[And so, yes. What Tech asks is, in fact, completely novel to Jaskier, and it leaves him speechless for those moments as Tech is reasoning out what he thinks Jaskier's answer will be and if he can genuinely tolerate being told no to something he so very much wants to hear a yes as an answer for. Almost impulsively, Jaskier wants to ask Tech if he's sure. Coming to this house and building it into his own space had been so important to Tech from the beginning because it was that opportunity for some self-definition and independence. In its own way, claiming this house and making it his was just the same as the music box breaking its own rules to create. The inclusion of Jaskier in little pieces had felt like a gift, but never really the point and he's always been okay with that because Jaskier's always felt it was more important for Tech to claim something for his own. He would never want to take that away from Tech, not for even a second.]
[But Tech's capable of making his own choices. And he's not the sort to express a want that isn't there even with all his tendencies to want to please and please and please. And he sure as hell wouldn't want to propose something like this to someone he knows for a fact has never had any desire to settle down. Who has even gone so far as to say that in the idealized thought of their future, staying in one place couldn't happen until they were physically incapable of doing otherwise. So, there's no point in asking if he's sure. Jaskier already knows the answer. He already knows that Tech wants it. Wants him. Chooses them. Chooses him.]
Well. The location really isn't ideal. I mean, I was willing to negotiate the coast a bit with you if you really had your heart set on a valley or, gods forbid, the woods or something. [Jaskier's hands come away from Tech's hand and cheek, resettling on his shoulders before wrapping around his neck, allowing him to press himself in close.] And you've skipped several decades ahead of what I had in mind for us, if I'm completely honest. But...
[Jaskier trails off as he kisses Tech. It's tender and chaste, but it's what allows Jaskier to really sink into Tech at this point and let all of that tension from before go. Finally, finally, finally Jaskier can just allow himself to be in the arms of the man that he loves where it's safe and warm.]
Yes, [he whispers with a smile against Tech's lips.] I'll build a home here with you.
[ As Jaskier begins to preface it with what's not ideal about the home, even though it becomes evident it's a joke -- initially, Tech freezes and wonders if this is about to be a no. Maybe Jaskier is going to try letting him down gently, but he wraps his arm around him and it becomes clear this is only a tease. Tech's shoulders relax and he returns the kiss, light and loving -- accepting it as the agreement before the confirmation truly comes. But when Jaskier gives it words, Tech shares in his smile and brings his hand around Jaskier's back to hold him with both arms -- leaning in to steal another kiss. ]
We'll convert one of the rooms to a walk in closet. I don't think both of our growing wardrobes will fit into the one in the master bedroom. But apart from that, we can change things as we like along the way. Nothing has to be set in stone.
[ He glances toward the wall past Jaskier. ]
Except that I do want a nicer couch in the living room. L-shaped. To fit this corner perfectly. That is non-negotiable. But you'll like it. We will make quite a bit of use of it.
[ Fingers roam gently along Jaskier's spine, half affection and half suggestion. Is it obvious this is something he's put quite a great deal of thought into? Likely on nights when Jaskier slept and Tech was awake, he thought of them living in this house together. A private little fantasy that since now is becoming reality, he can share the many ideas he's had for a few months now. Little thoughts like starting an herb garden on the window sill to have more at his disposal for cooking or converting one of the bedrooms into a music room for Jaskier to write and relax and store his several different instruments. Because while the lute might be Jaskier's favorite, his creativity shouldn't be limited to only that! What if he wanted the sound of an acoustic guitar instead? Or what if he wanted to learn something new like...the trumpet!
Whatever his heart desired, Jaskier should have a space to do that.
And all of a sudden, the house doesn't feel so empty and spacious anymore. Yeah, Tech had been building the space as his own, but when it was only him here -- there had been a loneliness that followed. Something he couldn't fill by himself. Now, it's clear what's missing. What needed to be filled for this to truly be home. He leans the side of his head against Jaskier's, pressing a soft lingering kiss to his temple. ]
I love you.
[ Said for no other reason than because it's what's on his heart and perhaps what Jaskier needs to hear after fearing the worst. ]
[He returns the kiss when Tech steals it from him and there is a warm chuckle at his suggestive little reasoning for how and why Jaskier might like the new couch over the old one. But more than that, he's happy to hear Tech talk like this. He's speaking of a shared future and that alone is enough. It really, truly is. But it's so plain and obvious by how quickly and easily it comes to Tech in talking about accommodating their wardrobes and making a change to the living room that it's not a spur-of-the-moment thought. He's had time to think about it and envision what changes might come about with Jaskier moving in before now. Jaskier can't even begin to put into words how good that feels as he closes his eyes and leans into the kiss to his temple.]
I know.
[Much like the first time Tech said those words to Jaskier, Jaskier's response is without ego. Once again, it's that quiet, gentle acknowledgment because there can't possibly be any doubts just how much and how deeply Tech loves Jaskier after everything. Only this time, there's an infusion of gratitude in those two words. One that's born of the time they've spent since that first confession on that warm spring day and now, as well as all the time that's yet to have been. Because Jaskier wouldn't trade any second of it for the world. Jaskier can guess well enough how dark and cold and alone it would be without Tech's love. So, yes. He's grateful. For all of it. And he'll never cease to feel as much regardless of how many times Tech insists he's the lucky one.]
[Opening his eyes, Jaskier pulls back just enough to have Tech's gaze again. There's nothing but warmth and light and love in Jaskier's as he looks at Tech, really looks at him. Because he is fragmented right now. And a little lost and stuck, and perhaps filled to the brim with jagged, sharp edges that neither one of them fully realize are there. And there are shadows and voices that would lead him astray or otherwise do him harm. But that's not all Tech is. Gods, he's so much more. So much more than all of that or what he even realizes himself to be. He's a gentle kindness. A warm embrace. A loving and good heart. A brilliant, inspiring light that might flicker, but refuses to fade. He's those missing notes in a musical phrase. He's been everything Jaskier's needed without Jaskier ever once fully realizing it until he was right there in front of him.]
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[He hardly knows what to make of it, the notion of Tech's trauma with all of this going so deep that he's completely obliterated it from his current memory... But it's also not just that. If Tech had the ability to remove something that ran so deep as that, then that meant... That meant it was a choice. It was a choice that every memory of Jaskier, of their time together, their promises and dreams were all pointedly chosen to stay. Tech wasn't just trying to protect him by withdrawing like this. He made sure that Jaskier was still loved. That he wouldn't find himself alone or without Tech again. It's such a strange feeling as both these realizations sink in simultaneously for Jaskier.]
[One weighs heavily in his chest. He feels his heart ache so much it feels it is about to break for Tech that he's finally reached his limit of what he can take that this was the only solution. The only safe one anyways.]
[But the other has the opposite effect. Jaskier's heart flutters with a pleasant, indescribable warmth at the thought of being so singularly loved that he finds himself without words for any of it. He's always believed so much in their love, feeling that it would carry them through anything and that they would always find their way back to one another no matter what, but having that belief realized...]
[A breath Jaskier didn't even realize he was holding escapes him in the form of a shaky laugh as he blinks away the sting behind his eyes.]
No, no, [he says with a small shake of his head.] No, um— No more questions. [There's a flicker of a wider smile for a moment.] Burning or otherwise.
But one more thing. [Jaskier takes his hand back while stepping closer to Tech while wrapping his arm loosely around Tech's neck.] Well. Two things. One, [he says, smoothing his hand over Tech's tie,] I didn't say it earlier, but you look very handsome. One might even be so bold as to say that you are not only a vision, but that every goddess and muse of beauty and art is to find herself frustrated that she could never create something so radiant and perfect as you. So, I think we can agree that your earlier theory of re-wearing pieces as being poor practice is utter bullshit. And two...
[Jaskier's hand at Tech's tie slides up to find his cheek as he presses a couple of kisses to Tech's lips. Each one is gentle and chaste, but no less affectionate or warm with Jaskier's barely contained smile. Before he slips away from Tech, he lightly nuzzles noses with him and says,]
Now you can make the coffee.
[On his way out of the kitchen for the living room, Jaskier picks up Tech's phone from where he tossed it onto the counter to bring with him.]
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You're just bumping gums.
[ The smile on his face indicates it's a playful slang. A way of saying he's saying a lot of nonsense. But Tech still takes the compliment, not with shyness, but acceptance. Jaskier says he's a vision, so in Jaskier's eyes, he must be. ]
Be still my heart. I'm not so sure the clothes will be staying on for that much longer if you keep singing like that, canary.
[ There's a thoughtful pause. ]
I am terribly wasteful, though, aren't I?
[ Which isn't to say Tech as he is now isn't entirely indulgent. He's rich. He's doing well in the world. Even a world between wars. But history has also shaped his opinions. It's fine to wear an expensive suit more times than once. It's perfectly fine to get things gently used by others. And if you have something, don't waste it. Food is not so easy to come by.
But the future had been informed by excess, and he shifted with the times. Maybe if no other habits remain, he can keep some of this mentality. It will certainly help him and Jaskier live an easier life in hell.
Each of those kisses are gently returned until the grand finale of the eskimo kiss. His palms move upward to clasp Jaskier's cheeks and hold him there a few seconds longer before he finally lets him go. Hard as it is to part ways for even a second, the sooner they do, the sooner they could cozy up. ]
Make sure to warm a spot for me, dearest. It's awful chilly today.
[ And with that, Tech gets their coffee going. He keeps his black and then makes Jaskier's cup to his preference, bringing them out in their personal mugs. The mugs weren't particularly personalized, but there had come to be an explicit understanding that Jaskier would drink out of the green mug and Tech out of the cream colored one (and Ava out of that red mug that would remain where it is now, collecting dust). It's just a thing that happened with Tech's penchant for maintaining patterns to a point where it was more than easy to throw him in a tizzy if Jaskier ever switched it up to be playful. He carries the steaming cups out to the coffee table and then settles against Jaskier, folding into him. ]
You gonna perform tonight? Or are you taking the night off?
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[But that's a conversation for another time.]
[By the time Tech brings the coffee in, Jaskier's occupied a corner of the couch. Well. A corner of the couch and then some. Much as he might nestle himself in that small space between the arm and back of the couch, Jaskier's always one to sprawl and he has to move his legs out of the way for Tech to settle in close beside him. Tech still ends up with Jaskier's legs in his lap though once seated. He shakes his head a little.]
Most are still getting resettled back into their rooms, so I think I'd mostly be singing to a bunch of disgruntled hotel staff instead. But I'd also rather be at home with you tonight.
[Jaskier's gotten used to returning nearly every night ending in some way with Tech. While they were separated, it was a phone call. A phone call that even while difficult still did so much for Jaskier in providing a small reprieve from the horrors around him. And while they were at Lucifer's mansion, it was returning to the same shared space as Tech, curled up in bed beside him and talking until neither one of them could keep their eyes open any longer. It's a predictable rhythm and routine they've managed to build with one another. And so, with the return back to this place... Jaskier is alright with easing into that routine a little sooner. Even with this sudden loop he's been thrown for with Tech's change in disposition.]
[Rather than reaching for the coffee, Jaskier leaves it to cool for a little while longer and takes one of Tech's hands into both of his instead. He presses a kiss to his fingertips in one of his typical, unprovoked kisses that always seem to happen on a whim.]
We'll just have to see what tomorrow brings.
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[ Jaskier staying with him for the night only serves to make the night better. Even in this life, Tech ended most of his evenings alone. Out at clubs, fraternizing and rubbing elbows with fellow gods -- but when it came time to return to his room, he was largely alone. It's a nice change of pace to have someone there to warm his lap and kiss his fingers. ]
Tomorrow brings us one day closer to holiday season. You might not like all of them. You especially won't like Halloween, but Christmas? Oh, sweetheart, you're going to love Christmas. We'll get a tree and put it in the corner over there.
[ He gestures toward a spot in the living room where there's an empty space. ]
And we'll decorate it together. And for one month, everything will be bright and colorful. And there will be presents under the tree that we open together on Christmas morning. They're wrapped in the most beautiful paper with ribbons and I so intend to spoil you rotten.
[ His lips gently meet the side of Jaskier's neck. ]
And there will be oversized, red stockings hung on the mantle for tiny trinkets. Three of them. One for you, me, and Calanthe...of course. So knowing this all is only a few months away, you better start preparing now, songbird.
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[But Jaskier supposes he ought to feel more conflicted about all of it, too. After all, the only way Tech is able to talk like this is by having forgotten nearly everything else that was weighing him down so much. And to put it simply, Tech shouldn't have to excise anything about himself to make it possible. Not even the parts that hurt.]
[Jaskier lowers their hands to his lap, giving Tech's hand a light squeeze.]
[But it's honest, isn't it? When Tech's heart is able to be lighter and freer, he's able to not just embrace this love of theirs, but find a path forward. He can still find a kind of hope in it. Being unburdened like this doesn't shape Tech's wants, but it allows him to believe in and express them with the sort of courage that Jaskier's always wanted Tech to possess. Jaskier though that if there was one thing he'd want Tech to keep from all this, it'd be all of this affection he gives so freely and without a second thought, but Jaskier's very quickly changing his mind. It's that brilliant eye to the future. That hope, that light amid all the dark. That's what Jaskier wants Tech to hold onto more than anything.]
[He hums his agreement as he lets go of Tech's hand with one hand to tilt Tech's face away from his neck and towards his own, bringing their foreheads together gently. He traces along Tech's cheekbone until fingertips slip into Tech's hair and silently, he prays that when the pieces of Tech come back together into that wonderful, beautiful whole, don't let him be a music box that's found its parts all in order again. Let it be the morning lark that finds his song.]
Although there is one small problem with that. You already spoil me terribly as it is, [he says with a grin.] Are you sure you're really prepared to deal with the consequences of spoiling me even more? Personally, I think you think you are, but you really aren't.
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[ His free hand comes up to brush the edge of Jaskier's angular jaw, appreciating the curve of his stubbled chin and dipping along his throat. This man is a work of art. A vision. He could look at him for the rest of his life and never tire of what he sees. Even as the wrinkles and age inevitably take his face, those blue eyes would always remain. They would always reflect his heart, always be vibrant and full of life until its unfortunate end. ]
And by the gods have you captivated me from the moment I first laid eyes on you.
[ Though because Tech doesn't want the distinction drawn between him and his other lives, he doesn't emphasize it. But it truly was him who was the one first won over. After all, he is the part of this whole who loved going to clubs and watching live performances. He is the one who was giddy when he saw Columbia's performance and caught her hat. He is the one who would most appreciate a bard's song. Tech didn't remember, but he didn't have to remember because those pieces of his past life are always there. Like echoes. Remnants. And once he chose emotions, he could no longer shut out ghost traces of who he had been.
He rests his chin on Jaskier's shoulder, looking up at him. ]
I don't know if you remember the second night we spoke. I started to say something and then never finished. And you never asked what it was. I know you would likely never take me up on it. After all, you already spoke of the future you wanted. But it is entirely possible to take an ordinary man and turn him into a god. And a part of me thought if I spread your gospel to the masses, perhaps I could gift you a new life. Perhaps you would consider spending that life with me. Even back then, I knew I wanted you to be part of my future.
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[Jaskier is quiet a moment, a thoughtful look on his face.]
I suppose that's why I hesitated to tell you. What I want for us.
[They hadn't talked about it then since Tech hadn't finished the thought before they moved the conversation along. It was the night they first made love instead. Jaskier let it be known he didn't have any desire to live beyond his natural life—not even for the sake of more time with anyone that he might love would he ever choose something like that—and he wasn't ignorant to how Tech struggled with understanding, with allowing that choice to go unchallenged. Because that wasn't a god of technology that balked at the idea of someone not wanting to reach for immortality when it could be so easily offered to him. Perhaps the perspective of a being for which the entirety of Jaskier's lifespan is a mere breath or blink of an eye, but on the whole, it was a man who feared that when the time came and their paths diverged, it would be too soon. After all, who willingly ever decides grief for themselves? Who stares down that reality of heartbreak and chooses it anyways because of the wonders that might precede it? Mostly wouldn't. It requires a certain kind of strength and courage that Jaskier isn't even sure he possesses himself. So, of course, Tech clung to the idea of his solution. That if he could just extend Jaskier's life, if they could have forever...]
[But Jaskier doesn't want forever. He wants a good life. One filled with curiosity and exploration and adventure and, yes, a great deal of happiness and laughter and music love, and all the other delights one might have in a lifetime. He wants it to be the most amazing, beautiful story that one might ever tell. But he doesn't want forever. He's not meant for it and he doesn't want it.]
[So, knowing that he was unwilling to make that choice for Tech, how the fuck could he ever possibly ask Tech to make the choice of more or less its opposite?]
Part of the reason why, anyway. [He smiles a little at Tech, his fingers still running the same, predictable line through Tech's hair.] Because I've also always meant it. And always will. You've spent enough lifetimes having to shape yourself into someone else's idea of who you're meant to be for the sake of their happiness. I want you to choose your happiness this time.
[He never wanted his own wants to interfere with that and create this unspoken pressure for Tech to choose based on what he thinks would make Jaskier happiest. It had been a relief when Tech was able to honestly say he wasn't sure which path he would choose when Jaskier first brought it up. That he would genuinely think about whether a single lifetime on the Continent would make him happier than spreading Jaskier's name and music as far and wide as he could reach. And it's made Jaskier the happiest knowing that he followed through with that and really thought about it. Jaskier squeezes Tech's hand lightly.]
Our futures, Destinies, stories, whatever you want to call it, are intertwined regardless. There isn't a single outcome of this where we're without the other. [Jaskier presses a kiss to Tech's forehead.] So, it's only ever mattered to me that your choice is what makes you happiest.
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Their future might not be in their hands. It's an exceedingly optimistic hope that it would be. But Tech has never found proof that it's possible to change a world. He's just working on the hypothetical -- that if there's a door that opens up and brings them all here from different universes, the same should be true in reverse. But truth be told, he doesn't know for sure. And at points, he doesn't even know where to begin looking.
Without comment, Tech sits up and detaches his hand from Jaskier's so he can take a sip of his coffee. It's not the finest coffee he's ever tasted, but it's unlikely one will find that in hell. ]
That would be quite the caper if we could pull off that ending.
[ There's something he can't quite remember. Something that feels relevant. Something he might have wanted to bring up as a point as to why they shouldn't think so far ahead. But instead, he purses his lips as though he's tasted something sour and sets his coffee back on its coaster. ]
I'm not so sure it's as clear cut as you make it sound, canary. It's easy to say the end goal as though a wish and a prayer might make it happen. But we're in hell. That sort of thing has a price. And that isn't even talking how much it'll cost to pay that price. I fully believe the only way to get this future of our dreams is through the big man upstairs.
[ Tech points toward the ceiling. ]
And he has not been noted in the good book for being especially kind to other deities. Bit of an ego and a complex. I would need to sully my hands a bit to even get that audience.
[ It had always been in his plans to utilize Emmanuel as a tool -- whether negotiating on his behalf or...more forceful measures. It's the only thing he knows for certain that would get God's attention. ]
All I'm saying is, while not impossible -- it's not going to be easy. And every day that goes by without a clear cut plan, there's always a risk one of us could wake up to an empty bed.
[ There it is again. That sour feeling. The feeling of something lost. Something forgotten. He shakes it off and returns to his prior position. ]
So there's a real choice that's gotta be made, songbird. Do we just sit back and enjoy our time or do we fight to control our destiny?
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I will confess that I am nothing if not a hopeless romantic. I will even admit that I hold onto hope far longer than most. Perhaps even longer than I ought to. But Tech... [Jaskier reaches for one of Tech's hands and takes it into his own, holding onto it much tighter than he normally does.] Tech, I need you to understand I made my choice a long time ago and I did so knowing there was a cost.
[Even with as much as Jaskier tends to infuse optimism into everything, he's not naive or blind to reality and all its complications. He's always known that loving Tech would always come with its risks and challenges, and that there's always been that possibility it will end in nothing but pain or worse. Hell, he was the one who acknowledged a sense of helplessness around the notion that Jaskier wouldn't remember Tech and there would be nothing to remedy that. It was Tech who inspired the hope for something else. And he's known that happy endings don't simply happen, and that would be especially true here in this place. But none of that has discouraged him or sent him away even when his feelings were not nearly as strong or deep as they are now.]
[So, it's not a matter of what Tech will give up or have to do to make it happen. It's not up to Tech to come up with every possibility or plan they might try. And that's why Tech's words had stung. Tech was expressing want of that future, a willingness to commit himself to it, but it still felt like Jaskier was being shut out and dismissed in some capacity. Treated more like a child with a fanciful albeit naive understanding of how the world works than someone who has an equal stake in this. They need to be in this together. If there's to be any hope of success, they have to be in it together.]
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I'm not saying you didn't.
[ He doesn't understand where the rejection came from -- what hurt Jaskier enough to force the distance. And he tries for a moment to figure out where what he said got misconstrued. Maybe it was simply his tone? He shakes his head. ]
What I'm trying to say is a critique of the both of us. We've spent a whole lot of time loving each other and a lot less time planning our future heist. There is a time limit. The more we wait for a tomorrow to start forming a real plan, the more we chance tomorrow being stolen from us. And we can't wait, otherwise....otherwise....
[ A blinding flash of pain hits him, both physical and emotional. It steals his breath and robs reality. For a brief moment, he can see a pretty dame and her smiling face, doll-like lips and beautiful brown eyes. She walks on ahead, further and further until she disappears out of reach. A shapeless figure. Formless. Forgotten.
A single tear runs down his cheek and Tech jerks when it hits his hand. He reaches up to touch the dampened trail in confusion before his hand returns to his lap, shaking his head. ]
I suppose now isn't the best time to have this conversation. Sorry. I shouldn't have said anything at all.
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[Her name is right on the tip of Jaskier's tongue when Tech begins to trail off, but it turns to ash and dies just as quickly when the tear slips from his eye and he seems so surprised by it. Jaskier's brow furrows as it sinks in. It's not enough to simply remove any memories of Mammon. He's forgotten about Ava, too. So he doesn't have to carry the pain of losing her, even if for only a little while. Jaskier wants to reach out and comfort him, but with how Tech's pulled his hand away... He looks away instead, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his thighs to fidget with one of his rings lest another nervous habit emerges.]
No, [he says softly.] No, I don't think so.
[And for a moment, it's perhaps unclear to which part of what Tech said Jaskier is disagreeing with specifically. But it's only a moment. Jaskier draws a breath to steady himself before he shifts back to his original position, tucking his legs in close to himself to respect Tech's space but allowing himself to face Tech more fully. He doesn't think anything Tech is saying shouldn't be said. In fact, he thinks it's something that Tech has likely been stewing on for weeks after Ava's disappearance, but something's gotten in the way of saying as much to Jaskier.]
I think you're right, Tech. We don't really say anything to each other lately. These past few weeks... [Jaskier's brow furrows a little as his lips pinch together.] These past few weeks, it hasn't felt like you've been with me. You've been somewhere else. Far away... I don't know. I'm not saying it's been like that all the time. Because it hasn't. Gods, it hasn't. But... [He looks down, curling and uncurling his fingers into the fabric of his pantlegs for a moment.] There have been more times lately that I've missed you when you're physically right next to me.
[He lifts his gaze to Tech again, shaking his head a little because he doesn't mean to sound like he's putting any sort of blame on Tech for it. He knows Tech's been going through a lot and any of it would cause someone to withdraw to some extent or another. But it's also been on Jaskier, too. He's been present, sure, and there whenever Tech's needed him, but that hasn't really been enough, has it?]
I won't speak for you, but I... I know for me, I've been scared. Scared of pushing you away without meaning to. Or making you feel like you haven't a choice or like I've put more on you when you're already hurting so badly. [He swallows thickly after speaking of those fears aloud, feeling the weight of them resting heavily in his chest.] And that's not fair. To you. To me. It's... It's not what I promised you.
[Jaskier doesn't even know if Tech remembers it specifically or precisely, but it was a promise made all the same that night with the mares. Jaskier promised he wouldn't hold back from Tech out of fear it would be too much for Tech. Any time he decided to wait or hold back, it would be because Jaskier needed more time with it.]
So, maybe right now isn't the best time for that particular conversation. Given that you're... [He pauses a moment, trying to find the correct euphemism to even begin describing what's going on for Tech right now. There really isn't one, so he settles for the best he can in trying to say that his memory's more akin to swiss cheese at the moment than a full understanding and knowledge of everything.] ...sorting things out.
[And then he moves on the couch again. This time, Jaskier places himself right next to Tech and makes himself as close as he can get without trying to be on top of him.]
Maybe, instead, until things are sorted, [he says, holding his hand out to Tech to take rather than trying to take his hand back into his own,] we could try to talk more along the way when we feel ready for it? Because I don't think either one of us needs to be protected from the other. I love you and I trust you too much to feel like I need that. But I think maybe we could both stand to get over ourselves a bit and stop trying so stubbornly to go at this thing of ours alone as much as we have been.
[Jaskier offers Tech a small, warm smile, but more than that there is something else in Jaskier's gaze. It's just a spark not yet breathed enough life into to be considered a flame, but there it's a boldness and determination. If Tech can somehow preserve all his memories of Jaskier while allowing everything else to fall away, then Jaskier sure as hell can do whatever it takes to keep him from slipping away. Because there's no denying that Tech has been crashing and burning for a while, fracturing and fraying at every possible edge. And yet, he still held on tighter than Jaskier knows he could ever possibly understand to not just prevent Jaskier from feeling alone, but to keep Jaskier for himself. So, Jaskier might not have much by way of abilities or any particular strengths, but that doesn't mean he can't fight for this, for Tech, and push past whatever doubts or insecurities he has for the sake of them.]
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With the offered hand, Tech slides his hand back into it -- giving his fingers a gentle squeeze. He looks at Jaskier for a moment, then to their laps, and then off to the wall. There is one thing he knows for certain and one thing he thinks might have contributed to some of his distance. ]
While there are a lot of similarities in how we love one another, there are also differences in what we believe love can and should be. You believe you can love others freely and without abandon. I believe love should be more contained and special, given only to one or two people at most. Neither of our views are wrong. But they don't necessarily align with each other, Jaskier.
[ His eyes veer toward their hands. ]
But you've always said you want me to make my own choice. And that is something I will have to decide. Whether I can handle sharing a space in your heart or whether it's going to hurt me too much in the long run. Things are wonderful in so many ways...it's my preference to find a solution that allows us to continue this thing between us. But a lot of the time that solution seems like it boils down to me being expected to just get over it. And that's not a solution. That's just a fast track to resentment.
[ His thumb traces the edge of Jaskier's fingers, the sides not the tips. ]
I don't want to resent you. But I do want you aware there's a limit to what I'm going to be able to reasonably handle. I don't want to change you or force you into a box. That's the last thing I want because then the resentment would come from the other side. So I just need you to understand, Jaskier. There may come a time when I need to walk away from this in order to keep both of us in tact.
cw: mention of emotionally abusive relationships
[It's not acceptance or acquiescence. Small and as shaky as it is, it's an acknowledgment of what Tech's said as what Tech says needs to settle for Jaskier. It's not what Jaskier wants to hear. Of course, it's not. But hearing something that he doesn't want to isn't what makes it so difficult to let it settle enough to think of something else to say immediately. It isn't what causes his heart to start suddenly beating so loudly and quickly that it seems Tech should hear it, too. No, it's that slow, crushing press of all his fears being stirred in a single stroke. Whispers from the shadows of his mind threatening the spark with every word, driving Jaskier to look away from Tech with a fluttering of lashes against the burn behind his eyes. His hand grips at Tech's tighter, much like he had gripped at Tech after the mares, to the point that some distant part of Jaskier's mind that can't get a word in right now recognizes it's probably uncomfortable for Tech.]
[I wouldn't resent you, he wants to say, but he doesn't. The voice is small, weak, and more importantly irrelevant. If Tech can't understand how little Jaskier's capable of resentment in those circumstances... It's not really the point either. It's just distracting from the tightness in his chest that makes it feel impossible to breathe.]
[Gods, it's that familiar ache. The one he felt after the first time Tech kissed him and the fire of his desire and passion seemed to dim to embers once he came to his senses. It's what is always there waiting for him when the novelty of the famous bard wears off or Julian is found to be too little different from Jaskier. It's the very same that carried him down the side of a mountain.]
[Too much and not enough. All at once. Just like always.]
[And not just that. Not just being too much and not enough. No, it's also something that would have him take the shape of those who came before him. Kaiba and Monika. Perhaps even World. Where his love is just a weapon that can no longer give, only take from Tech. Only push and manipulate Tech into what is the easiest and never asks anything of Jaskier. The very sort that Jaskier's always sworn he would never be.]
[I would never, he wants to protest. Tech, you have to believe me, I wouldn't do something like that to you. But he doesn't because some part of Jaskier recognizes that Tech says he wants to stay, and Jaskier would like to trust, would like to believe, that means he already knows Jaskier wouldn't do something like that knowingly. That he would never want Tech to feel like he needs to just get over it and if he can't simply comply, then he can fuck off because there is no reason to love him.]
[But what if he doesn't? What if Tech is only assuming these are his two options? What if he assumes that love only has to hurt in the end? What if every time there's ever been a brighter future spoken of, he's only purely pretended it was even a possibility for Jaskier's sake? Is Jaskier just living in a dream, refusing to wake up?]
[Jaskier looks to Tech through blurry eyes, a tear or two slipping by as he's otherwise frozen for a moment before remembering finally how to breathe. Because no, no, no. Jaskier moves into Tech's lap then because even if it's selfish as fuck of him to want that closeness right now, he's not going to let Tech carry doubts about what Jaskier wants. About who he wants. That Tech can say these things that can sometimes frighten Jaskier, sometimes even hurt him, and he's just going to recoil or withdraw or otherwise offer some fucked up form of punishment for having the audacity to speak up for himself.]
[At the same time though, Jaskier doesn't want Tech to back down from what he's said. As much as it's hurt to hear him say it, Jaskier knows looking for comfort, for something to soothe those fears can be just as terrible as suddenly withdrawing or lashing out if that's all there is.]
That first night we spent in Lucifer's mansion, when we made love, I told you, if something I did didn't feel right or hurt, I wanted you to tell me because I want it to feel good, and I want you to feel confident and sexy. Do you remember? [It's more of a rhetorical question than anything as Jaskier releases Tech's hand in favor of placing it over Tech's heart.] Those same rules apply to everything between us, darling. Everything.
So, I never— ...I don't want you to feel those are your only choices. To swallow it or leave. I want you to talk to me before it gets to that point. Because, my dearest heart, I want to love you. I want to love you the way you deserve. The way you should have been loved the moment the humans of your world breathed life into you and from each lifetime to the next that you've lived.
[Jaskier shakes his head a little as he raises a hand to caress Tech's cheek as though he were the most precious thing in all the worlds. Truly he is mankind's greatest achievement, but not because of his godhood or all the things that have been created in his name. No, no. It's because of who he is. Even fragmented as he is at the moment, this heart of Jaskier's beats for him right here and now.]
And that means I don't just want the parts of your heart that you think I'll like. I want all of it. [The soft, vulnerable, and delicate parts that Jaskier will protect with every fiber of his being. The ugly, jagged, and broken parts that Jaskier could very easily rip himself to shreds with. All of it.] So, please don't hold it in when it hurts, Tech. Please, please don't shut me out of your heart like that. [It's already felt like that's exactly what's been happening for several weeks now and Jaskier knows without a single doubt in his mind, that's not what he wants.] Let me help. Let me be part of this. Part of us.
[Jaskier doesn't make any sort of promise of having the solution in hand. He can't possibly make that promise when he feels he knows so little of what's going on, what needs to change to not have Tech feeling so backed into a familiar corner. But what he can promise, what he can declare is exactly what he's said. Jaskier won't let Tech go without a fight. Without exhausting every possible solution and option there is. He can't. He won't.]
[But it's also as Jaskier is asking and implying: Tech needs to allow Jaskier to fight for them, too. He needs to not just treat it as a problem with him that needs to be solved. Because even as he says that he doesn't feel that either of their perspectives are wrong, Tech is still trapped in his own thinking. He still sees it in such stark black and white, all or nothing, because that's all he's ever known it to be. Either he decides or, more likely, the other person decides how things are going to be, and that's that. But it won't work. Exactly as Tech says, that can't work. But if he can take a chance with Jaskier, if he can trust Jaskier enough to try, they can find that grey together. They can find that light of possibility for their future instead of that fatalistic heartbreak.]
[Because that's who they are as Jaskier knows them to be. They are melodies and harmonies that sound pretty and pleasing enough on their own, but when brought together? Oh, it is the most brilliant composition anyone could be so lucky as to experience with both enhancing the other and never striving or competing to outshine. They are two dancers locked together in a dance to which neither truly knows all the steps, and yet are willing to yield the lead to the other when it seems they know the next portion best. Two broken hearts that find wholeness with one another.]
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He sucks a breath in through his teeth when Jaskier starts to cry on top of it. Great. He especially fucked up now. An apology starts in his stomach and makes its way to his throat. He's about to redact what he said, tell Jaskier to nevermind it all....and he's just confused. Speculating on things that might not be true. Something. Anything to wash that pain away. But the words never make it that far because Jaskier winds up in his lap. His brows knit and his hand instinctively finds the small of Jaskier's back, settling gently against it.
When the hand Jaskier has squeezed so tightly until now is released, he takes a moment to rub at his own fingers before following Jaskier's hand to his chest, resting against the back of his knuckles. A gesture Tech knows is significant between the two of them, even if he can't fully remember why. ]
I know, songbird. I know. You are the best thing that's ever come into my life. I'm not going to give up on you. You once said that love takes many shapes. And I will always, always love you. Even if the shape of that love someday changes. There's no scenario where you lose me entirely. That much I can promise.
[ Tech nestles his nose against the crook of Jaskier's neck affectionately. ]
But at the same time, I very much enjoy the shape of our love as it is. So I will fight for this thing with you by my side. Not against you. You are every bit a part of this, canary...and I'm sorry if I've made you feel as though you're not.
[ Kisses feather across Jaskier's jaw until they reach his lips. He doesn't kiss him, though, and lingers instead mere inches away where they can share breath. ]
I feel like I've lost something. Something significant. And I feel like that shaped the way I behaved and forced me to think about things like this a lot. Don't tell me what it is. I don't want to know. I'm just trying to put things into perspective as best as I can see them.
[ His thumb traces Jaskier's knuckles idly, a back and forth soothing touch. But it might be himself he's trying to sooth more than anything. ]
I've refused to....address this loss. With you. About how terrified and insignificant and small it makes me feel. How powerless I am. And how as long as this thing was in my life, there was a balance. There were never moments I had to be alone. And now there are. And I just don't understand how I can be a god and still never get to hold onto the things I love.
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[They're easier to ignore anyway when Tech speaks of the pain he's been carrying all this time because Jaskier's heart aches for him. Because it's not as though Jaskier hasn't known how deep the loss of Ava's cut for Tech is and the unspeakable amount of pain and grief he's been locked into. But knowing and hearing it directly are two different things, and Jaskier can't help but ache for Tech. The tears come to his eyes, but they do not fall while listening to Tech speak of a grief he's only somewhat familiar with right now. Gods, what he wouldn't give to take it all away from him. To have him never experience such pain and loss.]
[And yet, he wouldn't. Not really.]
[In the end, even if Jaskier had that ability to do something Tech couldn't even do for himself despite his best attempt to hide from all of it... Jaskier would never take it away. Because Ava was too good, too important to the person Tech is and who he will become someday. Their love saved him from that dark and lonely path he was hurtling towards before her. And even if it hurts so much now to be without her, even if Tech is lost and afraid in the aftermath, Jaskier still cannot shake the belief that it's better to know that pain than to have never known Ava's love even for a second.]
Oh, darling, [he breathes, his voice remaining barely above a whisper.] My darling, I am so sorry you're hurting this much.
[The words don't feel meaningless, but they feel so little in the wake of all that. And yet, they're the only ones that he thinks are safe enough to say right now without telling Tech what it is that he's lost. He can really only acknowledge the pain, the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy. All those things that make Tech so breathtakingly human despite what he truly is, leading him to such frustration and even deeper grief. But it's not the only thing he can say. It's not the only thing he can do.]
We'll need to talk about it. Later. When you remember for yourself what it is you've lost. [Jaskier's hand turns over beneath Tech's to hold it. He's much gentler this time as he interlaces their fingers with one another, resting the back of his hand against Tech's chest.] But in the meantime, I'll come back. I won't sleep at the hotel. I promise that I'll come home. To our bed. To you.
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He tightens his embrace for a moment, giving a reassuring squeeze. Tech chooses not to answer directly, letting the physical gesture be his answer alone. He can't say what he'll eventually share. That's up to him in the future, but he's certain at some point -- this will likely be something they talk about in full. As reluctant and scared as he is, he'll be able to eventually find bravery with Jaskier.
But for the moment, Tech can say something else. Something he knows has been on his mind for a while -- something that only seemed like a pipe dream because he was certain Jaskier would say no. Maybe he still would. Maybe the offer to take up a part of his bed and call this 'home' was only a temporary one until things reached a new normal. But Jaskier shared his dream where they traveled together -- where they spent nearly every day as a part of each others lives. Would it be so strange to share maybe a few years in hell living in the same place? ]
Why...only come home to our bed? Why not...make this home? Move out of the hotel and into our house? We can build it together...
[ His eyes drift to the mural on the wall and the piano in the foyer. This house had little pieces of Jaskier attached to it from the beginning -- from the very first moment Tech moved in. It was where their relationship really began to take shape and a true new beginning for Tech as he moved out of the hotel and over here. Their song played its first notes on that piano. The lute strummed its first tune on the floor. They first made love here and had since taken to christening nearly every room in some way with said love making. This had always been Jaskier's home away from home. He never felt like a guest.
So why not make it official? Or would that be too official? Jaskier wasn't really the sort who would ever settle down in marriage and maybe moving in with Tech would be too domestic for him. Maybe that was just another aspect of their relationship that's too different from one another. Tech didn't need marriage, but he wasn't ever opposed to it. It stood as the pinnacle of love -- the ultimate declaration that what he had with someone was unbreakable. To have and to hold. To love and to cherish. In sickness and in health. Til death do us part.
He looks down at the ring on his finger. Jaskier's signet ring. Sure, it's only temporarily in his possession, but it is kind of indicative of the same sort of values, right? It's there to help Tech find his way back -- to always be able to find home. And as he studies it, he finds himself less fearful of Jaskier saying no to his proposal. Because more than he realizes, maybe they've always been on the same page. ]
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[And so, yes. What Tech asks is, in fact, completely novel to Jaskier, and it leaves him speechless for those moments as Tech is reasoning out what he thinks Jaskier's answer will be and if he can genuinely tolerate being told no to something he so very much wants to hear a yes as an answer for. Almost impulsively, Jaskier wants to ask Tech if he's sure. Coming to this house and building it into his own space had been so important to Tech from the beginning because it was that opportunity for some self-definition and independence. In its own way, claiming this house and making it his was just the same as the music box breaking its own rules to create. The inclusion of Jaskier in little pieces had felt like a gift, but never really the point and he's always been okay with that because Jaskier's always felt it was more important for Tech to claim something for his own. He would never want to take that away from Tech, not for even a second.]
[But Tech's capable of making his own choices. And he's not the sort to express a want that isn't there even with all his tendencies to want to please and please and please. And he sure as hell wouldn't want to propose something like this to someone he knows for a fact has never had any desire to settle down. Who has even gone so far as to say that in the idealized thought of their future, staying in one place couldn't happen until they were physically incapable of doing otherwise. So, there's no point in asking if he's sure. Jaskier already knows the answer. He already knows that Tech wants it. Wants him. Chooses them. Chooses him.]
Well. The location really isn't ideal. I mean, I was willing to negotiate the coast a bit with you if you really had your heart set on a valley or, gods forbid, the woods or something. [Jaskier's hands come away from Tech's hand and cheek, resettling on his shoulders before wrapping around his neck, allowing him to press himself in close.] And you've skipped several decades ahead of what I had in mind for us, if I'm completely honest. But...
[Jaskier trails off as he kisses Tech. It's tender and chaste, but it's what allows Jaskier to really sink into Tech at this point and let all of that tension from before go. Finally, finally, finally Jaskier can just allow himself to be in the arms of the man that he loves where it's safe and warm.]
Yes, [he whispers with a smile against Tech's lips.] I'll build a home here with you.
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We'll convert one of the rooms to a walk in closet. I don't think both of our growing wardrobes will fit into the one in the master bedroom. But apart from that, we can change things as we like along the way. Nothing has to be set in stone.
[ He glances toward the wall past Jaskier. ]
Except that I do want a nicer couch in the living room. L-shaped. To fit this corner perfectly. That is non-negotiable. But you'll like it. We will make quite a bit of use of it.
[ Fingers roam gently along Jaskier's spine, half affection and half suggestion. Is it obvious this is something he's put quite a great deal of thought into? Likely on nights when Jaskier slept and Tech was awake, he thought of them living in this house together. A private little fantasy that since now is becoming reality, he can share the many ideas he's had for a few months now. Little thoughts like starting an herb garden on the window sill to have more at his disposal for cooking or converting one of the bedrooms into a music room for Jaskier to write and relax and store his several different instruments. Because while the lute might be Jaskier's favorite, his creativity shouldn't be limited to only that! What if he wanted the sound of an acoustic guitar instead? Or what if he wanted to learn something new like...the trumpet!
Whatever his heart desired, Jaskier should have a space to do that.
And all of a sudden, the house doesn't feel so empty and spacious anymore. Yeah, Tech had been building the space as his own, but when it was only him here -- there had been a loneliness that followed. Something he couldn't fill by himself. Now, it's clear what's missing. What needed to be filled for this to truly be home. He leans the side of his head against Jaskier's, pressing a soft lingering kiss to his temple. ]
I love you.
[ Said for no other reason than because it's what's on his heart and perhaps what Jaskier needs to hear after fearing the worst. ]
no subject
I know.
[Much like the first time Tech said those words to Jaskier, Jaskier's response is without ego. Once again, it's that quiet, gentle acknowledgment because there can't possibly be any doubts just how much and how deeply Tech loves Jaskier after everything. Only this time, there's an infusion of gratitude in those two words. One that's born of the time they've spent since that first confession on that warm spring day and now, as well as all the time that's yet to have been. Because Jaskier wouldn't trade any second of it for the world. Jaskier can guess well enough how dark and cold and alone it would be without Tech's love. So, yes. He's grateful. For all of it. And he'll never cease to feel as much regardless of how many times Tech insists he's the lucky one.]
[Opening his eyes, Jaskier pulls back just enough to have Tech's gaze again. There's nothing but warmth and light and love in Jaskier's as he looks at Tech, really looks at him. Because he is fragmented right now. And a little lost and stuck, and perhaps filled to the brim with jagged, sharp edges that neither one of them fully realize are there. And there are shadows and voices that would lead him astray or otherwise do him harm. But that's not all Tech is. Gods, he's so much more. So much more than all of that or what he even realizes himself to be. He's a gentle kindness. A warm embrace. A loving and good heart. A brilliant, inspiring light that might flicker, but refuses to fade. He's those missing notes in a musical phrase. He's been everything Jaskier's needed without Jaskier ever once fully realizing it until he was right there in front of him.]
I love you, too.