[ He doesn't like it. The way that okay sounds. So small and thin, and exactly why Tech imagines he's been focused more on the present than a future. Because a future would have to address this eventually, and of course it hurts Jaskier which causes guilt to manifest. He shouldn't have said anything. Especially because it's not exactly his place to say something. This is a conversation that should be had when he's back to 'normal' so to speak.
He sucks a breath in through his teeth when Jaskier starts to cry on top of it. Great. He especially fucked up now. An apology starts in his stomach and makes its way to his throat. He's about to redact what he said, tell Jaskier to nevermind it all....and he's just confused. Speculating on things that might not be true. Something. Anything to wash that pain away. But the words never make it that far because Jaskier winds up in his lap. His brows knit and his hand instinctively finds the small of Jaskier's back, settling gently against it.
When the hand Jaskier has squeezed so tightly until now is released, he takes a moment to rub at his own fingers before following Jaskier's hand to his chest, resting against the back of his knuckles. A gesture Tech knows is significant between the two of them, even if he can't fully remember why. ]
I know, songbird. I know. You are the best thing that's ever come into my life. I'm not going to give up on you. You once said that love takes many shapes. And I will always, always love you. Even if the shape of that love someday changes. There's no scenario where you lose me entirely. That much I can promise.
[ Tech nestles his nose against the crook of Jaskier's neck affectionately. ]
But at the same time, I very much enjoy the shape of our love as it is. So I will fight for this thing with you by my side. Not against you. You are every bit a part of this, canary...and I'm sorry if I've made you feel as though you're not.
[ Kisses feather across Jaskier's jaw until they reach his lips. He doesn't kiss him, though, and lingers instead mere inches away where they can share breath. ]
I feel like I've lost something. Something significant. And I feel like that shaped the way I behaved and forced me to think about things like this a lot. Don't tell me what it is. I don't want to know. I'm just trying to put things into perspective as best as I can see them.
[ His thumb traces Jaskier's knuckles idly, a back and forth soothing touch. But it might be himself he's trying to sooth more than anything. ]
I've refused to....address this loss. With you. About how terrified and insignificant and small it makes me feel. How powerless I am. And how as long as this thing was in my life, there was a balance. There were never moments I had to be alone. And now there are. And I just don't understand how I can be a god and still never get to hold onto the things I love.
[Every little touch, every scrap of affection from Tech helps ease the tension within Jaskier, quieting and softening the noise of all his fears. He wants to tell Tech to kiss him, to hold him tighter until there's nothing left of them. But Jaskier knows it would only drive them to distraction because of what it would take for complete silence. Assuming, of course, that they could be completely silenced right now. So, no. No, it's better to take these gentle comforts as Tech offers them to Jaskier and sit with them quieter.]
[They're easier to ignore anyway when Tech speaks of the pain he's been carrying all this time because Jaskier's heart aches for him. Because it's not as though Jaskier hasn't known how deep the loss of Ava's cut for Tech is and the unspeakable amount of pain and grief he's been locked into. But knowing and hearing it directly are two different things, and Jaskier can't help but ache for Tech. The tears come to his eyes, but they do not fall while listening to Tech speak of a grief he's only somewhat familiar with right now. Gods, what he wouldn't give to take it all away from him. To have him never experience such pain and loss.]
[And yet, he wouldn't. Not really.]
[In the end, even if Jaskier had that ability to do something Tech couldn't even do for himself despite his best attempt to hide from all of it... Jaskier would never take it away. Because Ava was too good, too important to the person Tech is and who he will become someday. Their love saved him from that dark and lonely path he was hurtling towards before her. And even if it hurts so much now to be without her, even if Tech is lost and afraid in the aftermath, Jaskier still cannot shake the belief that it's better to know that pain than to have never known Ava's love even for a second.]
Oh, darling, [he breathes, his voice remaining barely above a whisper.] My darling, I am so sorry you're hurting this much.
[The words don't feel meaningless, but they feel so little in the wake of all that. And yet, they're the only ones that he thinks are safe enough to say right now without telling Tech what it is that he's lost. He can really only acknowledge the pain, the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy. All those things that make Tech so breathtakingly human despite what he truly is, leading him to such frustration and even deeper grief. But it's not the only thing he can say. It's not the only thing he can do.]
We'll need to talk about it. Later. When you remember for yourself what it is you've lost. [Jaskier's hand turns over beneath Tech's to hold it. He's much gentler this time as he interlaces their fingers with one another, resting the back of his hand against Tech's chest.] But in the meantime, I'll come back. I won't sleep at the hotel. I promise that I'll come home. To our bed. To you.
[ Eyes linger on their held hands. The empathy Jaskier extends to him simultaneously means a lot and little. Tech doesn't remember what the condolences would be connected to, but it does reach a part of him that does know. A part of him that's reluctant to ever share the grief because maybe if he holds onto that pain alone, Ava will never truly be gone. But that's not fair to Jaskier. It's not fair to only give Jaskier half of his heart and keep the other half firmly buried in shadow, never to see light again.
He tightens his embrace for a moment, giving a reassuring squeeze. Tech chooses not to answer directly, letting the physical gesture be his answer alone. He can't say what he'll eventually share. That's up to him in the future, but he's certain at some point -- this will likely be something they talk about in full. As reluctant and scared as he is, he'll be able to eventually find bravery with Jaskier.
But for the moment, Tech can say something else. Something he knows has been on his mind for a while -- something that only seemed like a pipe dream because he was certain Jaskier would say no. Maybe he still would. Maybe the offer to take up a part of his bed and call this 'home' was only a temporary one until things reached a new normal. But Jaskier shared his dream where they traveled together -- where they spent nearly every day as a part of each others lives. Would it be so strange to share maybe a few years in hell living in the same place? ]
Why...only come home to our bed? Why not...make this home? Move out of the hotel and into our house? We can build it together...
[ His eyes drift to the mural on the wall and the piano in the foyer. This house had little pieces of Jaskier attached to it from the beginning -- from the very first moment Tech moved in. It was where their relationship really began to take shape and a true new beginning for Tech as he moved out of the hotel and over here. Their song played its first notes on that piano. The lute strummed its first tune on the floor. They first made love here and had since taken to christening nearly every room in some way with said love making. This had always been Jaskier's home away from home. He never felt like a guest.
So why not make it official? Or would that be too official? Jaskier wasn't really the sort who would ever settle down in marriage and maybe moving in with Tech would be too domestic for him. Maybe that was just another aspect of their relationship that's too different from one another. Tech didn't need marriage, but he wasn't ever opposed to it. It stood as the pinnacle of love -- the ultimate declaration that what he had with someone was unbreakable. To have and to hold. To love and to cherish. In sickness and in health. Til death do us part.
He looks down at the ring on his finger. Jaskier's signet ring. Sure, it's only temporarily in his possession, but it is kind of indicative of the same sort of values, right? It's there to help Tech find his way back -- to always be able to find home. And as he studies it, he finds himself less fearful of Jaskier saying no to his proposal. Because more than he realizes, maybe they've always been on the same page. ]
[For a moment, Jaskier's stunned into a bit of silence as Tech's eyes drift away from him to the more tangible pieces of their relationship. He's lived with his past lovers before, the ones that most would consider to be more serious by virtue of lasting longer than a few nights of passion. But even with those, the arrangements only lasted perhaps a few months and that's all they really were. Arrangements. It was little different than Jaskier opting to stay at an inn for the winter months rather than risking difficult travel whereby once spring came and his restless wanderlust seemed to be at its peak, he would leave and there wouldn't be a trace of him to speak of after. Even with the Countess de Stael, who arguably was his very first heartbreak, Jaskier was a guest within her estate. It was never something to call his own and when she threw him out for the final albeit umpteenth time, there was no evidence he'd ever been there.]
[And so, yes. What Tech asks is, in fact, completely novel to Jaskier, and it leaves him speechless for those moments as Tech is reasoning out what he thinks Jaskier's answer will be and if he can genuinely tolerate being told no to something he so very much wants to hear a yes as an answer for. Almost impulsively, Jaskier wants to ask Tech if he's sure. Coming to this house and building it into his own space had been so important to Tech from the beginning because it was that opportunity for some self-definition and independence. In its own way, claiming this house and making it his was just the same as the music box breaking its own rules to create. The inclusion of Jaskier in little pieces had felt like a gift, but never really the point and he's always been okay with that because Jaskier's always felt it was more important for Tech to claim something for his own. He would never want to take that away from Tech, not for even a second.]
[But Tech's capable of making his own choices. And he's not the sort to express a want that isn't there even with all his tendencies to want to please and please and please. And he sure as hell wouldn't want to propose something like this to someone he knows for a fact has never had any desire to settle down. Who has even gone so far as to say that in the idealized thought of their future, staying in one place couldn't happen until they were physically incapable of doing otherwise. So, there's no point in asking if he's sure. Jaskier already knows the answer. He already knows that Tech wants it. Wants him. Chooses them. Chooses him.]
Well. The location really isn't ideal. I mean, I was willing to negotiate the coast a bit with you if you really had your heart set on a valley or, gods forbid, the woods or something. [Jaskier's hands come away from Tech's hand and cheek, resettling on his shoulders before wrapping around his neck, allowing him to press himself in close.] And you've skipped several decades ahead of what I had in mind for us, if I'm completely honest. But...
[Jaskier trails off as he kisses Tech. It's tender and chaste, but it's what allows Jaskier to really sink into Tech at this point and let all of that tension from before go. Finally, finally, finally Jaskier can just allow himself to be in the arms of the man that he loves where it's safe and warm.]
Yes, [he whispers with a smile against Tech's lips.] I'll build a home here with you.
[ As Jaskier begins to preface it with what's not ideal about the home, even though it becomes evident it's a joke -- initially, Tech freezes and wonders if this is about to be a no. Maybe Jaskier is going to try letting him down gently, but he wraps his arm around him and it becomes clear this is only a tease. Tech's shoulders relax and he returns the kiss, light and loving -- accepting it as the agreement before the confirmation truly comes. But when Jaskier gives it words, Tech shares in his smile and brings his hand around Jaskier's back to hold him with both arms -- leaning in to steal another kiss. ]
We'll convert one of the rooms to a walk in closet. I don't think both of our growing wardrobes will fit into the one in the master bedroom. But apart from that, we can change things as we like along the way. Nothing has to be set in stone.
[ He glances toward the wall past Jaskier. ]
Except that I do want a nicer couch in the living room. L-shaped. To fit this corner perfectly. That is non-negotiable. But you'll like it. We will make quite a bit of use of it.
[ Fingers roam gently along Jaskier's spine, half affection and half suggestion. Is it obvious this is something he's put quite a great deal of thought into? Likely on nights when Jaskier slept and Tech was awake, he thought of them living in this house together. A private little fantasy that since now is becoming reality, he can share the many ideas he's had for a few months now. Little thoughts like starting an herb garden on the window sill to have more at his disposal for cooking or converting one of the bedrooms into a music room for Jaskier to write and relax and store his several different instruments. Because while the lute might be Jaskier's favorite, his creativity shouldn't be limited to only that! What if he wanted the sound of an acoustic guitar instead? Or what if he wanted to learn something new like...the trumpet!
Whatever his heart desired, Jaskier should have a space to do that.
And all of a sudden, the house doesn't feel so empty and spacious anymore. Yeah, Tech had been building the space as his own, but when it was only him here -- there had been a loneliness that followed. Something he couldn't fill by himself. Now, it's clear what's missing. What needed to be filled for this to truly be home. He leans the side of his head against Jaskier's, pressing a soft lingering kiss to his temple. ]
I love you.
[ Said for no other reason than because it's what's on his heart and perhaps what Jaskier needs to hear after fearing the worst. ]
[He returns the kiss when Tech steals it from him and there is a warm chuckle at his suggestive little reasoning for how and why Jaskier might like the new couch over the old one. But more than that, he's happy to hear Tech talk like this. He's speaking of a shared future and that alone is enough. It really, truly is. But it's so plain and obvious by how quickly and easily it comes to Tech in talking about accommodating their wardrobes and making a change to the living room that it's not a spur-of-the-moment thought. He's had time to think about it and envision what changes might come about with Jaskier moving in before now. Jaskier can't even begin to put into words how good that feels as he closes his eyes and leans into the kiss to his temple.]
I know.
[Much like the first time Tech said those words to Jaskier, Jaskier's response is without ego. Once again, it's that quiet, gentle acknowledgment because there can't possibly be any doubts just how much and how deeply Tech loves Jaskier after everything. Only this time, there's an infusion of gratitude in those two words. One that's born of the time they've spent since that first confession on that warm spring day and now, as well as all the time that's yet to have been. Because Jaskier wouldn't trade any second of it for the world. Jaskier can guess well enough how dark and cold and alone it would be without Tech's love. So, yes. He's grateful. For all of it. And he'll never cease to feel as much regardless of how many times Tech insists he's the lucky one.]
[Opening his eyes, Jaskier pulls back just enough to have Tech's gaze again. There's nothing but warmth and light and love in Jaskier's as he looks at Tech, really looks at him. Because he is fragmented right now. And a little lost and stuck, and perhaps filled to the brim with jagged, sharp edges that neither one of them fully realize are there. And there are shadows and voices that would lead him astray or otherwise do him harm. But that's not all Tech is. Gods, he's so much more. So much more than all of that or what he even realizes himself to be. He's a gentle kindness. A warm embrace. A loving and good heart. A brilliant, inspiring light that might flicker, but refuses to fade. He's those missing notes in a musical phrase. He's been everything Jaskier's needed without Jaskier ever once fully realizing it until he was right there in front of him.]
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no subject
He sucks a breath in through his teeth when Jaskier starts to cry on top of it. Great. He especially fucked up now. An apology starts in his stomach and makes its way to his throat. He's about to redact what he said, tell Jaskier to nevermind it all....and he's just confused. Speculating on things that might not be true. Something. Anything to wash that pain away. But the words never make it that far because Jaskier winds up in his lap. His brows knit and his hand instinctively finds the small of Jaskier's back, settling gently against it.
When the hand Jaskier has squeezed so tightly until now is released, he takes a moment to rub at his own fingers before following Jaskier's hand to his chest, resting against the back of his knuckles. A gesture Tech knows is significant between the two of them, even if he can't fully remember why. ]
I know, songbird. I know. You are the best thing that's ever come into my life. I'm not going to give up on you. You once said that love takes many shapes. And I will always, always love you. Even if the shape of that love someday changes. There's no scenario where you lose me entirely. That much I can promise.
[ Tech nestles his nose against the crook of Jaskier's neck affectionately. ]
But at the same time, I very much enjoy the shape of our love as it is. So I will fight for this thing with you by my side. Not against you. You are every bit a part of this, canary...and I'm sorry if I've made you feel as though you're not.
[ Kisses feather across Jaskier's jaw until they reach his lips. He doesn't kiss him, though, and lingers instead mere inches away where they can share breath. ]
I feel like I've lost something. Something significant. And I feel like that shaped the way I behaved and forced me to think about things like this a lot. Don't tell me what it is. I don't want to know. I'm just trying to put things into perspective as best as I can see them.
[ His thumb traces Jaskier's knuckles idly, a back and forth soothing touch. But it might be himself he's trying to sooth more than anything. ]
I've refused to....address this loss. With you. About how terrified and insignificant and small it makes me feel. How powerless I am. And how as long as this thing was in my life, there was a balance. There were never moments I had to be alone. And now there are. And I just don't understand how I can be a god and still never get to hold onto the things I love.
no subject
[They're easier to ignore anyway when Tech speaks of the pain he's been carrying all this time because Jaskier's heart aches for him. Because it's not as though Jaskier hasn't known how deep the loss of Ava's cut for Tech is and the unspeakable amount of pain and grief he's been locked into. But knowing and hearing it directly are two different things, and Jaskier can't help but ache for Tech. The tears come to his eyes, but they do not fall while listening to Tech speak of a grief he's only somewhat familiar with right now. Gods, what he wouldn't give to take it all away from him. To have him never experience such pain and loss.]
[And yet, he wouldn't. Not really.]
[In the end, even if Jaskier had that ability to do something Tech couldn't even do for himself despite his best attempt to hide from all of it... Jaskier would never take it away. Because Ava was too good, too important to the person Tech is and who he will become someday. Their love saved him from that dark and lonely path he was hurtling towards before her. And even if it hurts so much now to be without her, even if Tech is lost and afraid in the aftermath, Jaskier still cannot shake the belief that it's better to know that pain than to have never known Ava's love even for a second.]
Oh, darling, [he breathes, his voice remaining barely above a whisper.] My darling, I am so sorry you're hurting this much.
[The words don't feel meaningless, but they feel so little in the wake of all that. And yet, they're the only ones that he thinks are safe enough to say right now without telling Tech what it is that he's lost. He can really only acknowledge the pain, the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy. All those things that make Tech so breathtakingly human despite what he truly is, leading him to such frustration and even deeper grief. But it's not the only thing he can say. It's not the only thing he can do.]
We'll need to talk about it. Later. When you remember for yourself what it is you've lost. [Jaskier's hand turns over beneath Tech's to hold it. He's much gentler this time as he interlaces their fingers with one another, resting the back of his hand against Tech's chest.] But in the meantime, I'll come back. I won't sleep at the hotel. I promise that I'll come home. To our bed. To you.
no subject
He tightens his embrace for a moment, giving a reassuring squeeze. Tech chooses not to answer directly, letting the physical gesture be his answer alone. He can't say what he'll eventually share. That's up to him in the future, but he's certain at some point -- this will likely be something they talk about in full. As reluctant and scared as he is, he'll be able to eventually find bravery with Jaskier.
But for the moment, Tech can say something else. Something he knows has been on his mind for a while -- something that only seemed like a pipe dream because he was certain Jaskier would say no. Maybe he still would. Maybe the offer to take up a part of his bed and call this 'home' was only a temporary one until things reached a new normal. But Jaskier shared his dream where they traveled together -- where they spent nearly every day as a part of each others lives. Would it be so strange to share maybe a few years in hell living in the same place? ]
Why...only come home to our bed? Why not...make this home? Move out of the hotel and into our house? We can build it together...
[ His eyes drift to the mural on the wall and the piano in the foyer. This house had little pieces of Jaskier attached to it from the beginning -- from the very first moment Tech moved in. It was where their relationship really began to take shape and a true new beginning for Tech as he moved out of the hotel and over here. Their song played its first notes on that piano. The lute strummed its first tune on the floor. They first made love here and had since taken to christening nearly every room in some way with said love making. This had always been Jaskier's home away from home. He never felt like a guest.
So why not make it official? Or would that be too official? Jaskier wasn't really the sort who would ever settle down in marriage and maybe moving in with Tech would be too domestic for him. Maybe that was just another aspect of their relationship that's too different from one another. Tech didn't need marriage, but he wasn't ever opposed to it. It stood as the pinnacle of love -- the ultimate declaration that what he had with someone was unbreakable. To have and to hold. To love and to cherish. In sickness and in health. Til death do us part.
He looks down at the ring on his finger. Jaskier's signet ring. Sure, it's only temporarily in his possession, but it is kind of indicative of the same sort of values, right? It's there to help Tech find his way back -- to always be able to find home. And as he studies it, he finds himself less fearful of Jaskier saying no to his proposal. Because more than he realizes, maybe they've always been on the same page. ]
no subject
[And so, yes. What Tech asks is, in fact, completely novel to Jaskier, and it leaves him speechless for those moments as Tech is reasoning out what he thinks Jaskier's answer will be and if he can genuinely tolerate being told no to something he so very much wants to hear a yes as an answer for. Almost impulsively, Jaskier wants to ask Tech if he's sure. Coming to this house and building it into his own space had been so important to Tech from the beginning because it was that opportunity for some self-definition and independence. In its own way, claiming this house and making it his was just the same as the music box breaking its own rules to create. The inclusion of Jaskier in little pieces had felt like a gift, but never really the point and he's always been okay with that because Jaskier's always felt it was more important for Tech to claim something for his own. He would never want to take that away from Tech, not for even a second.]
[But Tech's capable of making his own choices. And he's not the sort to express a want that isn't there even with all his tendencies to want to please and please and please. And he sure as hell wouldn't want to propose something like this to someone he knows for a fact has never had any desire to settle down. Who has even gone so far as to say that in the idealized thought of their future, staying in one place couldn't happen until they were physically incapable of doing otherwise. So, there's no point in asking if he's sure. Jaskier already knows the answer. He already knows that Tech wants it. Wants him. Chooses them. Chooses him.]
Well. The location really isn't ideal. I mean, I was willing to negotiate the coast a bit with you if you really had your heart set on a valley or, gods forbid, the woods or something. [Jaskier's hands come away from Tech's hand and cheek, resettling on his shoulders before wrapping around his neck, allowing him to press himself in close.] And you've skipped several decades ahead of what I had in mind for us, if I'm completely honest. But...
[Jaskier trails off as he kisses Tech. It's tender and chaste, but it's what allows Jaskier to really sink into Tech at this point and let all of that tension from before go. Finally, finally, finally Jaskier can just allow himself to be in the arms of the man that he loves where it's safe and warm.]
Yes, [he whispers with a smile against Tech's lips.] I'll build a home here with you.
no subject
We'll convert one of the rooms to a walk in closet. I don't think both of our growing wardrobes will fit into the one in the master bedroom. But apart from that, we can change things as we like along the way. Nothing has to be set in stone.
[ He glances toward the wall past Jaskier. ]
Except that I do want a nicer couch in the living room. L-shaped. To fit this corner perfectly. That is non-negotiable. But you'll like it. We will make quite a bit of use of it.
[ Fingers roam gently along Jaskier's spine, half affection and half suggestion. Is it obvious this is something he's put quite a great deal of thought into? Likely on nights when Jaskier slept and Tech was awake, he thought of them living in this house together. A private little fantasy that since now is becoming reality, he can share the many ideas he's had for a few months now. Little thoughts like starting an herb garden on the window sill to have more at his disposal for cooking or converting one of the bedrooms into a music room for Jaskier to write and relax and store his several different instruments. Because while the lute might be Jaskier's favorite, his creativity shouldn't be limited to only that! What if he wanted the sound of an acoustic guitar instead? Or what if he wanted to learn something new like...the trumpet!
Whatever his heart desired, Jaskier should have a space to do that.
And all of a sudden, the house doesn't feel so empty and spacious anymore. Yeah, Tech had been building the space as his own, but when it was only him here -- there had been a loneliness that followed. Something he couldn't fill by himself. Now, it's clear what's missing. What needed to be filled for this to truly be home. He leans the side of his head against Jaskier's, pressing a soft lingering kiss to his temple. ]
I love you.
[ Said for no other reason than because it's what's on his heart and perhaps what Jaskier needs to hear after fearing the worst. ]
no subject
I know.
[Much like the first time Tech said those words to Jaskier, Jaskier's response is without ego. Once again, it's that quiet, gentle acknowledgment because there can't possibly be any doubts just how much and how deeply Tech loves Jaskier after everything. Only this time, there's an infusion of gratitude in those two words. One that's born of the time they've spent since that first confession on that warm spring day and now, as well as all the time that's yet to have been. Because Jaskier wouldn't trade any second of it for the world. Jaskier can guess well enough how dark and cold and alone it would be without Tech's love. So, yes. He's grateful. For all of it. And he'll never cease to feel as much regardless of how many times Tech insists he's the lucky one.]
[Opening his eyes, Jaskier pulls back just enough to have Tech's gaze again. There's nothing but warmth and light and love in Jaskier's as he looks at Tech, really looks at him. Because he is fragmented right now. And a little lost and stuck, and perhaps filled to the brim with jagged, sharp edges that neither one of them fully realize are there. And there are shadows and voices that would lead him astray or otherwise do him harm. But that's not all Tech is. Gods, he's so much more. So much more than all of that or what he even realizes himself to be. He's a gentle kindness. A warm embrace. A loving and good heart. A brilliant, inspiring light that might flicker, but refuses to fade. He's those missing notes in a musical phrase. He's been everything Jaskier's needed without Jaskier ever once fully realizing it until he was right there in front of him.]
I love you, too.