[Something is wrong. It's like a radar going off in her head--or, no, it's like he's blasting a radar so loud it feels like it's scrambling up her insides. Izaya took drugs once, pressured her into joining him, so for once she can recognize the expression. Belladonna squeezes her eyes shut tight for a second. One thing at a time.]
I...I appreciate the card. [Just not it's contents.] It's just, your message...
[Belladonna opens the card to show him its message.]
[ She opens the card and he peers at it, words blurring in and out of focus. His hand moves forward to steady hers, even though hers are already pretty steady. Eventually he makes out the message and immediately branches off into a laugh. ]
What the fuck. That's what I get for trusting a demon to transcribe shit.
[ The end result is pretty hilarious, though. Maybe not for Belladonna, but Tech can't help but keep laughing. ]
Honestly, you can burn it or whatever since they fucked it up. I'm not the type to go around asking for blowjobs. That's the sort of thing that usually happens in the heat of the moment.
[ At least in his experience, limited though it sometimes tends to be. ]
[In all honestly, she's still sort of processing. The more that Tech's overall appearance and demeanor sinks in, the more distracted she is from the reason why she came in the first place. At least she's relieved, clearly, to know that he isn't expecting her to perform any sexual favors. Returning his laughter with an awkward smile, she folds the card and returns it to a pocket.]
I'll send you a card, myself, because I find it to be a lovely thought on it's own. But if you get anything strange, just know that what I meant is something along the lines of being very glad to see you again.
[ His laughter dwindles at her offer to send a card of her own. ]
Noted.
[ And then probably will be promptly forgotten. But at least he should have an idea of what's up if a card does arrive with a salacious message. There's a prolonged pause after her offer to keep him company. Awkward, absent. ]
Oh. Right. You're asking -- I mean.
[ He rubs a hand over his face. The touch tingles his skin. ]
Don't know that I'm the best company right now. And I can't promise once the drugs really kick in, I won't....uh.
[ He makes a vague gesture toward the card. The demons might have fucked up the message, but it won't change the fact that at some point, he might get insatiably horny. Frenzy tended to have that negative side effect. ]
[And she does. It's almost painful, how he seems so out of it. Something's wrong with you, she wants to tell him. I can heal it. Belladonna holds herself back. It feels like it isn't her place, or it wouldn't be appreciated. And, again, with Tech being the way he is, what if she can't?]
That's okay. just, I think...
[Her brow furrows. Her worry is palpable. She doesn't really understand much about drugs. Her brief experience with them was an unfamiliar shock to her system that she had no desire to revisit.]
That is, I hope you don't mind me saying, I don't like the idea of you being alone like this.
[ Tech leans against the doorframe, leveling his gaze on her briefly. And then it flits just above her eyes -- just past her concerned gaze that he definitely doesn't deserve. ]
I've been alone like this my whole life. What harm's one more night gonna do?
[ That got a little darker than intended. Usually, he's pretty cheerful around her, but he just can't muster up the energy to put on a front. ]
Everyone fought hard to free us from Barbas's spell. A good man sacrificed himself for the sake of everyone. And yet, no one stopped to think for a minute that maybe some of us didn't want to be saved...
[ Which is the heart of the problem. And Tech just can't seem to get high enough to escape it. ]
[His words hit her like a hammer to the heart. Alone like this his whole life, he says, and she thinks about all the witches keeping her at arm's length. Being the only one like herself, so close to people like her weren't ever really there. And Barbas's spell...
Belladonna's hand unconsciously reaches toward the other, covering the wedding ring she hasn't had the heart to remove.]
You don't have to be alone anymore. Not if you don't want to be.
[But maybe he does want to be. Maybe what she can offer isn't good enough--she knows that it hasn't been for anyone, before. Her gaze lowers down to her feet.]
When I was pulled out, I wanted to go back, too. I kept going toward the barrier between the communities, and I'd just stand there in the snow.
[ His breath hitches. Belladonna's words are sobering in a way. He hadn't considered other people would feel the same. Most of the sinners celebrated being free, being back to themselves with the exception of himself and Monika. So to hear this confession from Bella is surprising and also makes him feel terrible that he was so absorbed in his own pain, he failed to notice hers.
Tech takes a stumbling step toward her and invites her into his arms. He holds her with a conviction to....well, he doesn't know what. He wants to make her hurt less, he wants to make her seen, he wants to make her feel like she's no longer alone.
His head draws back so he can whisper something -- intending some words of comfort, but instead his lips meet hers. An action done without thought and when thought belatedly catches up to actions, he snaps back. ]
Fuck. S-sorry. I'm sorry.
[ A hand sweeps over his face. Sober up, asshole. ]
You could have come back. If you walked past the gates, you would have been ushered back in. Monika did it.
[When Tech opens himself up for a hug she’s quick to accept, needing it more than she’s let herself acknowledge. It feels so nice to have her arms around someone and her cheek against someone’s cheek that she feels the urge to cry.
And to that end, despite how little she’s expecting a kiss in that moment, and from him at all, she reciprocates with a desperate need for affection that she reels from as soon as he lets her to, apologizing. She stammers out a red-faced apology as well, clearing her throat.]
Well…
[Why didn’t she? She’d have been happier in her ignorance, she’s sure of it. Her days now felt so lonely and longing, powerless.]
I don’t really know. I felt guilty, I suppose because everyone worked so hard, and needed so much help. I’m already such a hard person to be around, so letting anyone down…
Stop. Stop feeling guilty over what other people want you to be. Be what you wanna be. Do what you wanna do. Life is too short to give a fuck about letting other people down. Other people suck, anyway. And they only give a shit about you so long as you conform. So don't conform.
[ His hand slides down to take hers and he guides her in a spin because it seems like a good idea even if there's no music. Or maybe there is music. The pulsing beat of what music is blaring in his room. A spin definitely isn't the sort of dance one does to it, but whatever. Who cares? They can march to the beat of their own drum. ]
Be you. Be Belladonna. And I'll stay by your side, no matter who you decide Belladonna is.
[It’s such a complicated issue for Belladonna—-wanting to feel free to be who she is but craving all that she can’t be. Still, she hopes that her time here will change some of her goodness for the worse. He spins her, and the white witch closes her eyes, trying to imagine losing herself in his music.
I’m doing so, she feels herself weakening. But maybe being weak right now is what she needs. As her hair and her skirt settles from the movement she asks on an I’ll-advised impulse:]
Boy do I ever. I'm like a regular fucking pharmacy right now.
[ He laughs. It's not helpful. Getting high doesn't make the problems go away, but it does make them disappear for a little while. And he's not going to argue with Belladonna and advocate sobriety. Fuck sobriety. She needs to let loose.
Tech finally pushes the door to his room open and leads the way inside. LED lights are on a colorized scheme, shifting every few seconds to melt into a new hue. His room is far messier than he tends to keep it, bed unmade, clothes strewn around. Although the corner has an old clunky computer set up and seems to be completely free of clutter. ]
So what kind of extra you looking for. Something to make you far away? Something to pick you up? Something to make you see some fucking funny shit?
[Having never been inside his room before, it’s actually a bit of a culture shock. She isn’t expecting the different colors—it feels like being in some kind of small, private club. Hands wringing, she admits:]
Oh, I don’t really know…I’ve only ever tried frenzy before. I did like it.
[ He says with a laugh. And for a second he can't stop laughing. The thought of Belladonna on Frenzy of all things is a hilarious mental image. But then again, who is he to judge? If that's her living her best life, then all the power to her. ]
You went hardcore straight out the gate. I got Frenzy if you really want it.
[ And it's part of the cocktail pumping through his system right now. But as he opens up a drawer, he finds something he thinks will suit her better. A couple colorful pills with smiley faces etched onto them. ]
But if you want happiness, let me prescribe you some Molly. These babies are going to make you see the world and all its colors. They'll blot out everything bad and leave you only with good.
[ Tech disappears to head into the bathroom and fill up a glass of water before returning to offer it her way. ]
[Belladonna's face flushes when he laughs, though it's not necessarily as telling under the strobe of changing colors. She decides not to mention that she was more-or-less pressured into it, and tucks her hair behind her ears as Tech makes his recommendation. There's a distinct sense of relief she feels at being able to swallow a pill over other forms of induction.]
I'm a little nervous...
[But even with the admission she accepts the water and the little pills. They're kind of cute, actually. Well, down the hatch! She doesn't want to give herself the chance to overthink and change her mind. Placing them in her mouth and swallowing, Belladonna holds onto her glass like its a support beam, taking a deep breath once the water has made it down her throat.]
How, um, how long does it take? Should I...should I sit somewhere?
[ Tech takes her by the hand and leads her to the bed. ]
Sit. Lie back. When it starts hitting, you'll know. It'll feel warm and wonderful. Probably in fifteen minutes at most?
[ He moves toward his speakers, shuffling through his playlist in order to find something a little more mellow -- something with a beat, but still tame. Something to enhance her experience. And then Tech falls back onto the mattress beside her. ]
Breathe in nice and slow. You have nothing to worry about. You're with me, and I'm not gonna let anything happen.
[ Which might have been a more reassuring promise if he wasn't high himself. Though, Tech's system unfortunately does metabolize drugs quick. Too quick, at times. But if he refrains from taking anything right now, he should hit a moderate state of sobriety in a half hour. In the meantime, his hand extends before him, rotating fluidly at the wrist as though conducting an unseen melody. ]
So I got this friend I wanted to hook you up with, by the way.
[Sobriety or not, Belladonna can't imagine not trusting Tech. He is a god, after all--her god, she'd decided. How could she ever question him in something he clearly knows so much about? Nodding as she lets him guide her, she lays down on his bed and watches the colors wash over the ceiling. The music change does make her feel a little bit more relaxed, and she supposes she shouldn't really be so nervous at all. Still, while waiting for the molly to blossom inside of her stomach, her fingers twist one another where they rest on her stomach.]
You do? Who is it?
[It's hard for her to imagine herself hooking up with anyone, but that doesn't mean she won't at least hear his thoughts on the matter. And, of course, she's always happy to make more friends. Right now, she kind of needs them.]
His name's Wuxian. He was my roommate when I first got to Penance. We hooked up a couple times in the past, so I can vouch for him. He knows what he's doing. Bet he could especially use a friend after being married off to fucking Mammon for a while.
[ He laughs. Really, the people who participated in that beauty contest got the worst end of the deal in Hellburbia. Tech's glad that no matter how that place altered him, it didn't alter him enough that he'd ever think entering some beauty competition would be a good idea. ]
When Monika and I broke up, a lot of what got me through was hooking up with other people. And through all that, I met Ava. Maybe it's not the best way to do things, but who knows. Maybe you can meet someone who can help you move forward?
[ That's odd. The last time he talked to Wuxian about this very subject, they hadn't met. Unless. Unless... ]
Oh. You knew each other in Hellburbia, didn't you?
[ Because why else would she be so vehement about it? While they're not related, it still feels like they are. A feeling that's been hard for him to shake when it comes to his fake parents and brother. ]
Well. Fuck hell. I mean, I had this brother in my second life that I could try and fix you up with, but he was kinda by the books. And I feel like you need something exciting. Someone who can draw you out and show you something fun.
[ He pauses to think of a viable solution. His high mind simply comes up with this: ]
[Kind of a boner-killer, having all these false memories of raising him, the feelings seeming so real and potent. That, and she's not really into the whole Oedipus Complex thing.]
That wouldn't upset her, would it? I don't want to cause you any problems.
[And should she be more concerned about if that's weird or not? Honestly, Belladonna has no idea what the decorum is in this situation, and she's starting to feel a bit floaty.]
Nah. She's cool. She's not gonna stab you or me or anything.
[ A weird thing to say, maybe. Though considering his dating history....maybe not so weird. Ava only crucified him once, though, so it's going pretty well all things considered. He sits up to free his phone and shoot a text Ava's way. ]
You're not causing any problems, so you just sit back and give yourself over to the feelings.
[ He looks up from his phone with a slow smile. ]
Feeling it now, huh?
[ And then back to his phone. ]
Pretty weird how none of us thought anything about having kids or moms who were like the same age as us. That was some fucking good brainwashing.
[Figuring he's the expert anyway, it's even easier to give no further thought to the matter, being sure that Tech knows exactly what he's talking about. As her thoughts begin to lose their harder edges, she smiles. It's been awhile since she felt so warm--looked so much like sunshine. If it weren't for the dilation of her pupils, Belladonna would look like she's been cured.]
My other son was even older than me. Probably twice my age, even.
[It feels kind of silly now, really, doesn't it? She laughs, and she's sure that her laughter rising above her like expanding, colorful bubbles.]
[ He says like it's the most novel thing in the world. Belladonna wanting to be a mother. As though it's not the wish of many women. Especially women who come from a backwater place like her. But he scoots closer, tucking his arm around her back. ]
Well you got a taste at playing house at least. And if birthing some gnarled demon baby is on your agenda, I think it might be possible here. You could be a real mother.
[ He laughs, snuggling into her -- nose brushing against the hollow of her neck. His voice drops, a quiet whisper free and airy against her skin. ]
If you listen closely, you can hear the colors every time they shift, you know.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
I...I appreciate the card. [Just not it's contents.] It's just, your message...
[Belladonna opens the card to show him its message.]
no subject
What the fuck. That's what I get for trusting a demon to transcribe shit.
[ The end result is pretty hilarious, though. Maybe not for Belladonna, but Tech can't help but keep laughing. ]
Honestly, you can burn it or whatever since they fucked it up. I'm not the type to go around asking for blowjobs. That's the sort of thing that usually happens in the heat of the moment.
[ At least in his experience, limited though it sometimes tends to be. ]
no subject
[In all honestly, she's still sort of processing. The more that Tech's overall appearance and demeanor sinks in, the more distracted she is from the reason why she came in the first place. At least she's relieved, clearly, to know that he isn't expecting her to perform any sexual favors. Returning his laughter with an awkward smile, she folds the card and returns it to a pocket.]
I'll send you a card, myself, because I find it to be a lovely thought on it's own. But if you get anything strange, just know that what I meant is something along the lines of being very glad to see you again.
[But speaking of which:]
Could you perhaps use some company?
no subject
Noted.
[ And then probably will be promptly forgotten. But at least he should have an idea of what's up if a card does arrive with a salacious message. There's a prolonged pause after her offer to keep him company. Awkward, absent. ]
Oh. Right. You're asking -- I mean.
[ He rubs a hand over his face. The touch tingles his skin. ]
Don't know that I'm the best company right now. And I can't promise once the drugs really kick in, I won't....uh.
[ He makes a vague gesture toward the card. The demons might have fucked up the message, but it won't change the fact that at some point, he might get insatiably horny. Frenzy tended to have that negative side effect. ]
no subject
[And she does. It's almost painful, how he seems so out of it. Something's wrong with you, she wants to tell him. I can heal it. Belladonna holds herself back. It feels like it isn't her place, or it wouldn't be appreciated. And, again, with Tech being the way he is, what if she can't?]
That's okay. just, I think...
[Her brow furrows. Her worry is palpable. She doesn't really understand much about drugs. Her brief experience with them was an unfamiliar shock to her system that she had no desire to revisit.]
That is, I hope you don't mind me saying, I don't like the idea of you being alone like this.
no subject
I've been alone like this my whole life. What harm's one more night gonna do?
[ That got a little darker than intended. Usually, he's pretty cheerful around her, but he just can't muster up the energy to put on a front. ]
Everyone fought hard to free us from Barbas's spell. A good man sacrificed himself for the sake of everyone. And yet, no one stopped to think for a minute that maybe some of us didn't want to be saved...
[ Which is the heart of the problem. And Tech just can't seem to get high enough to escape it. ]
no subject
Belladonna's hand unconsciously reaches toward the other, covering the wedding ring she hasn't had the heart to remove.]
You don't have to be alone anymore. Not if you don't want to be.
[But maybe he does want to be. Maybe what she can offer isn't good enough--she knows that it hasn't been for anyone, before. Her gaze lowers down to her feet.]
When I was pulled out, I wanted to go back, too. I kept going toward the barrier between the communities, and I'd just stand there in the snow.
no subject
Tech takes a stumbling step toward her and invites her into his arms. He holds her with a conviction to....well, he doesn't know what. He wants to make her hurt less, he wants to make her seen, he wants to make her feel like she's no longer alone.
His head draws back so he can whisper something -- intending some words of comfort, but instead his lips meet hers. An action done without thought and when thought belatedly catches up to actions, he snaps back. ]
Fuck. S-sorry. I'm sorry.
[ A hand sweeps over his face. Sober up, asshole. ]
You could have come back. If you walked past the gates, you would have been ushered back in. Monika did it.
[ His eyes meet hers. ]
What stopped you?
no subject
And to that end, despite how little she’s expecting a kiss in that moment, and from him at all, she reciprocates with a desperate need for affection that she reels from as soon as he lets her to, apologizing. She stammers out a red-faced apology as well, clearing her throat.]
Well…
[Why didn’t she? She’d have been happier in her ignorance, she’s sure of it. Her days now felt so lonely and longing, powerless.]
I don’t really know. I felt guilty, I suppose because everyone worked so hard, and needed so much help. I’m already such a hard person to be around, so letting anyone down…
no subject
[ His hand slides down to take hers and he guides her in a spin because it seems like a good idea even if there's no music. Or maybe there is music. The pulsing beat of what music is blaring in his room. A spin definitely isn't the sort of dance one does to it, but whatever. Who cares? They can march to the beat of their own drum. ]
Be you. Be Belladonna. And I'll stay by your side, no matter who you decide Belladonna is.
no subject
I’m doing so, she feels herself weakening. But maybe being weak right now is what she needs. As her hair and her skirt settles from the movement she asks on an I’ll-advised impulse:]
Do you have anything extra I could try?
no subject
[ He laughs. It's not helpful. Getting high doesn't make the problems go away, but it does make them disappear for a little while. And he's not going to argue with Belladonna and advocate sobriety. Fuck sobriety. She needs to let loose.
Tech finally pushes the door to his room open and leads the way inside. LED lights are on a colorized scheme, shifting every few seconds to melt into a new hue. His room is far messier than he tends to keep it, bed unmade, clothes strewn around. Although the corner has an old clunky computer set up and seems to be completely free of clutter. ]
So what kind of extra you looking for. Something to make you far away? Something to pick you up? Something to make you see some fucking funny shit?
no subject
Oh, I don’t really know…I’ve only ever tried frenzy before. I did like it.
[Belladonna pauses, thinking.]
I just want to feel happy.
no subject
[ He says with a laugh. And for a second he can't stop laughing. The thought of Belladonna on Frenzy of all things is a hilarious mental image. But then again, who is he to judge? If that's her living her best life, then all the power to her. ]
You went hardcore straight out the gate. I got Frenzy if you really want it.
[ And it's part of the cocktail pumping through his system right now. But as he opens up a drawer, he finds something he thinks will suit her better. A couple colorful pills with smiley faces etched onto them. ]
But if you want happiness, let me prescribe you some Molly. These babies are going to make you see the world and all its colors. They'll blot out everything bad and leave you only with good.
[ Tech disappears to head into the bathroom and fill up a glass of water before returning to offer it her way. ]
Enjoy the ride.
no subject
I'm a little nervous...
[But even with the admission she accepts the water and the little pills. They're kind of cute, actually. Well, down the hatch! She doesn't want to give herself the chance to overthink and change her mind. Placing them in her mouth and swallowing, Belladonna holds onto her glass like its a support beam, taking a deep breath once the water has made it down her throat.]
How, um, how long does it take? Should I...should I sit somewhere?
no subject
Sit. Lie back. When it starts hitting, you'll know. It'll feel warm and wonderful. Probably in fifteen minutes at most?
[ He moves toward his speakers, shuffling through his playlist in order to find something a little more mellow -- something with a beat, but still tame. Something to enhance her experience. And then Tech falls back onto the mattress beside her. ]
Breathe in nice and slow. You have nothing to worry about. You're with me, and I'm not gonna let anything happen.
[ Which might have been a more reassuring promise if he wasn't high himself. Though, Tech's system unfortunately does metabolize drugs quick. Too quick, at times. But if he refrains from taking anything right now, he should hit a moderate state of sobriety in a half hour. In the meantime, his hand extends before him, rotating fluidly at the wrist as though conducting an unseen melody. ]
So I got this friend I wanted to hook you up with, by the way.
no subject
You do? Who is it?
[It's hard for her to imagine herself hooking up with anyone, but that doesn't mean she won't at least hear his thoughts on the matter. And, of course, she's always happy to make more friends. Right now, she kind of needs them.]
no subject
[ He laughs. Really, the people who participated in that beauty contest got the worst end of the deal in Hellburbia. Tech's glad that no matter how that place altered him, it didn't alter him enough that he'd ever think entering some beauty competition would be a good idea. ]
When Monika and I broke up, a lot of what got me through was hooking up with other people. And through all that, I met Ava. Maybe it's not the best way to do things, but who knows. Maybe you can meet someone who can help you move forward?
no subject
Oh, no. I don’t think I could do that. I mean, not with him.
[As he talks about his new flame, though, she shifts slightly to look over at him.]
I’m glad you found someone who makes you so happy.
no subject
[ That's odd. The last time he talked to Wuxian about this very subject, they hadn't met. Unless. Unless... ]
Oh. You knew each other in Hellburbia, didn't you?
[ Because why else would she be so vehement about it? While they're not related, it still feels like they are. A feeling that's been hard for him to shake when it comes to his fake parents and brother. ]
Well. Fuck hell. I mean, I had this brother in my second life that I could try and fix you up with, but he was kinda by the books. And I feel like you need something exciting. Someone who can draw you out and show you something fun.
[ He pauses to think of a viable solution. His high mind simply comes up with this: ]
You wanna makeout with Ava? I can call her over.
[ Because man would that be sexy..... ]
no subject
[Kind of a boner-killer, having all these false memories of raising him, the feelings seeming so real and potent. That, and she's not really into the whole Oedipus Complex thing.]
That wouldn't upset her, would it? I don't want to cause you any problems.
[And should she be more concerned about if that's weird or not? Honestly, Belladonna has no idea what the decorum is in this situation, and she's starting to feel a bit floaty.]
no subject
[ A weird thing to say, maybe. Though considering his dating history....maybe not so weird. Ava only crucified him once, though, so it's going pretty well all things considered. He sits up to free his phone and shoot a text Ava's way. ]
You're not causing any problems, so you just sit back and give yourself over to the feelings.
[ He looks up from his phone with a slow smile. ]
Feeling it now, huh?
[ And then back to his phone. ]
Pretty weird how none of us thought anything about having kids or moms who were like the same age as us. That was some fucking good brainwashing.
no subject
My other son was even older than me. Probably twice my age, even.
[It feels kind of silly now, really, doesn't it? She laughs, and she's sure that her laughter rising above her like expanding, colorful bubbles.]
I've always wanted to be a mother, you know.
no subject
[ He says like it's the most novel thing in the world. Belladonna wanting to be a mother. As though it's not the wish of many women. Especially women who come from a backwater place like her. But he scoots closer, tucking his arm around her back. ]
Well you got a taste at playing house at least. And if birthing some gnarled demon baby is on your agenda, I think it might be possible here. You could be a real mother.
[ He laughs, snuggling into her -- nose brushing against the hollow of her neck. His voice drops, a quiet whisper free and airy against her skin. ]
If you listen closely, you can hear the colors every time they shift, you know.
no subject
A beautiful demon baby who would cause so much chaos…
[When she closes her eyes she can still see the colors. Belladonna smiles as musical notes drift into her ears.]
You’re right…I can hear them! Each one is different from the other—oh, what a beautiful song.
(no subject)