[ It isn't long before Tech opens up the door. He offers her a smile, appearing much better than he had earlier in the stay at Lucifer's mansion. He's present, at least. But it's hard to hide the exhaustion. Between Ava going home and needing actual sleep as he functions like a (ugh) completely ordinary mortal, it just hasn't been an easy transition. But he's trying. He's trying very hard to keep it all together.
Tech gestures for her to have a seat as he drops onto the edge of the bed, arms folding over his knees. ]
I woke up a week or so ago and I had new memories of home...they weren't exactly the most pleasant ones. But at least Jaskier isn't alone in the knowledge of what I did anymore
(which is sort of talking around the point but is she supposed to just point blank be like well i almost sacrificed geralt's kid? and besides, it's not all she did. she remembers rescuing jaskier now. sparing cahir. not every choice was bad, but the size of that bad choice feels like it colors everything else.)
[ There's a moment where Tech's uncertain of what to say. He can't exactly forget what he had seen at the carnival when the mares inflicted Jaskier. Yennefer, still poised but oddly disheveled -- being ushered toward a secret door in that tavern. And later, her rescue of Jaskier. How even without magic she outwitted the mage who had tortured Jaskier for hours. He'd seen it. And he heard more -- things that she would go on to do. But he doesn't want to put Jaskier under fire for telling him. Especially since in a way, he knew these things about Yennefer before Yennefer herself even did.
Not once did he judge her, though. And that remains true even now. Because in all of this, she sought him out -- to talk to him about it. And that's a sign of trust in many ways, isn't it? ]
I bet he's thrilled to not have to be the only one who remembers. A weight off his shoulders. But I assume when you say Jaskier was alone in the knowledge, that means Geralt is still behind the both of you?
cw: references to suicidal self sacrifice and child sacirifce.
(it is a sign of trust -- tech had told her the lengths he had went to try to get his own power back when they were working together against mammon. he had seen something of himself in her in those moments. she's seen it too. so she knows he'll understand -- that desperation can make people do terrible things. that to be powerless in the world is to also be vulnerable.
and while talking to jaskier had been helpful....she does not want to put too much of the burden on him. she knows if it came between her and geralt...well she would not be the one jaskier would pick.)
As far as I know -- I think if he knew...well he might avoid me more than confront me. Even after trying to fix things he wasn't exactly ready to forgive me for trying to sacrifice his child surprise, even if I couldn't go through with it. Even if I had been ready to lay down my own life to save hers in the end.
(she subconsciously rubs the scars on her wrists. it had been so easy to pick up the glass and reopen old wounds and scars to offer herself to the deathless mother.)
[ Tech scoots closer to her. He doesn't take her hand because the way she rubs her own scars seems like a deeply personal thing -- a self-soothing gesture. She might not take kindly to him touching them so his touch lands on her knee instead. An extension of support. ]
I don't think Geralt has any room to be taking the moral high ground. Look at how he hurt Jaskier.
[ Why....yes. Tech did just put hurting Jaskier on par with almost sacrificing some child surprise. But look, he saw it with his own eyes -- how crushed Jaskier's spirit had been, how hollow that embittered performance made him. Only now was Jaskier starting to get a semblance of himself back. Ciri was only a name to Tech, nothing more. Which, okay, he's not pretending to take the moral high ground either. He just sees what Geralt clearly can't... ]
Why would he be so focused on the thing you almost did and not the fact that you stopped yourself? You chose selflessness. You gave up whatever reward sacrificing the child surprise would have given you and chose to do something good instead. And that's hard. That takes bravery. I don't know if I would have made the same decision in your shoes.
(or me she thinks but doesn't sake -- for jaskier's sake if nothing else. she doubts knowing about the wish would make tech like geralt more and she knows the bard would not want her making that worse. )
You did make the same decision though, Tech. You sacrificed yourself to save me. I was just -- (and maybe because she needs to tell someone who isn't as enmeshed as jaskier. she covers tech's hand with one of her own, giving it a small squeeze)
I was in a battle back home, and I lost my magic afterwards. It was like stumbling in darkness. Without it I was powerless, whether it was as a prisoner of war or a torture victim -- and I thought I was willing to do anything to get it back. But then I got to know Ciri, and I loved her too. But she's practically Geralt's child -- for once I don't blame someone for resenting me.
[ Magic is what Yennefer became from the sound of it. And once again, he can clearly identify with this. When his own powers had become erratic and out of control he knew that feeling of desperation. That willingness to do whatever it took to get them back. Even here, where his powers are nulled -- he feels a cloying degree of vulnerability he shouldn't feel. He should be connected to everything, and yet he feels nothing. A shell of himself, only kept from the edge of desperation for Jaskier's sake. ]
The unfortunate truth of the world is people aren't required to forgive. Even if I think he'd be an absolute idiot not to get over it because it's not like you went ahead and just did it -- he can make that choice for himself. And considering how emotionally stunted he is, he will likely continue to make the wrong choice on that front.
[ Just getting some light Geralt bashing out of the way. Because at the least, Yennefer doesn't seem likely to scold him. Unlike Jaskier who always retorts with: bUt hE's A gOoD mAn. And yeah. Okay, fine. A lot of this comes from Tech's own jealousy. But if he was a saint, he wouldn't be in hell. ]
Anyway. You two love each other, right? I know Jaskier isn't a comparison like at all...but sometimes when you tell someone you love something terrible, they find it in them to continue loving you regardless. And maybe the key is to tell him now before he lives through it? Because if he can hear the words and maybe see your remorse, he can forgive you. And then, if one day he wakes up with the same memories...he will also remember that you told him. That you didn't keep it from him. And that will be added into his complicated feelings. Because honestly, Yennefer, he'd be a fool to let you slip away.
(she couldn't have family of her own. and she couldn't trust geralt after finding out about the wish and she couldn't even properly die in battle. without her magic she was a half-elven woman in a world that was harsh and cruel. she had tried so long to fight voleth meir because she knows what such promises cost -- but when she lost jaskier and got captured again...well she hadn't had a lot of options left.)
Geralt is not as forgiving as Jaskier, nor is our love as pure. (say what you want about the bard, but he loves with everything he has.)
Geralt tied himself to me before he knew who I was. I'm not sure he could be rid of me if he wanted to be, not totally. Not unless he wants to chase down a djinn. A smarter man never would have entwined our destines to begin with.
[ He knows. He knows many people don't fall under Jaskier's umbrella. Many people aren't as willing to forgive or move forward in spite of something they disapprove of. It had taken Ava weeks to forgive Tech when he told her he killed Monika, and he's not even sure she would have forgiven him if it weren't for the fact that hell manipulated her into killing Tech. Love is complicated. It's hard. And especially for people who made terrible mistakes like Tech and Yennefer -- the world would say neither of them are deserving of love.
But maybe if the world gave either of them love in the first place, they wouldn't have turned out the way they did.
So it doesn't surprise him when Yennefer says Geralt isn't as forgiving as Jaskier. It makes sense that a man who hasn't really known love himself would be embittered the same way. But what does surprise him is what she says next. Something he doesn't entirely follow. ]
Tied himself to you? What does that mean? What does that mean for you?
[ He's too modern to truly understand this talk of destinies being entwined. But to him in some way it sounds like a shackle. Something to chain Yennefer. Something that stirs the rumblings of anger in Tech on her behalf. What in the fuck... ]
Edited (I used the same icon twice and that bothers me aesthetically lol) 2022-09-07 13:13 (UTC)
(the world said she was undeserving of love long before she started making bad choices. maybe if she hadn't been born with a crooked spine, with elven blood, if she hadn't been sold for four marks, she would have turned out differently. but she grew up with a hole inside of her and no matter how hard she tried to fill it, it was never enough. she could never trust any love and affection she did get, and the beauty and power she fought so hard to grab ended up unfulfilling after a few decades.
and then she met geralt and when it finally felt like they might let themselves trust or love one another she found out the truth about the wish and everything crashed again. they had had more time in hell to rebuild than they did back home, where it was easier to stay away from him and stay angry and resolute. to trust no one but herself until it was too late.)
Jaskier never told you how he and Geralt met me, did he?
(it's not an accusation, just a question. she imagines the bard didn't, to protect her as much as geralt.)
They had come across a Djin's vessel, and when it broke it made one of them it's master, they had both assumed it was Jaskier. It also seemed to be killing Jaskier and the cure they needed was magical, not medical. So they were pointed in my direction.
I had been working in a kingdom where the ruler thought he could arrest or control me. I taught him differently. I awakened him and everyone in his castle's unbridled desires. So when they found me, it was in the middle of an orgy.
(she says this so casually, like it's normal.)
I had been bored for decades, but I had never met a Witcher in all that time. He was different. Interesting. He wanted to save his friend and would do anything to do it. I had heard of him. The famous white wolf. He would have let me inspect him to my heart's desire if I just helped Jaskier.
But I didn't want to help anyone -- I wanted to harness the Djin's power for myself. To take back what had been stolen from me. So I isolated Jaskier, I threatened him and tried to get him to make his final wishes so I could complete the spell. But he wasn't the master, and he escaped. Not that it stopped me from trying to become the vessel anyways. It turns out Geralt was the master, and when he came to try to stop me -- well I didn't exactly accept his help. He made a wish, to save my life. But it also twined our destinies together, whether he meant it to or not. And he didn't tell me about it until much later.
We kept running into one another again and again, like moths to a flame, and by the time I thought maybe I had finally found love -- I knew the truth. That once again magic had a hand in things and I couldn't trust it. Was it real? Is it? I've had the time to figure that out for myself here, to try to trust my heart, and him, but it was different back home. Easier to avoid him, to stay angry. To convince myself I could not trust him with the truth about losing my magic.
(in all her time in hell she hasn't told anyone about the wish, and it shows how much she trusts tech that she tells him the story now, even if jaskier will probably be cross with her for doing so later.)
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don't worry. i can find my way around now, so wherever you'd be most comfortable works for me.
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i can meet you there
(and with that it's not too long before she's at his door, knocking.)
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Tech gestures for her to have a seat as he drops onto the edge of the bed, arms folding over his knees. ]
So what's on your mind?
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I woke up a week or so ago and I had new memories of home...they weren't exactly the most pleasant ones. But at least Jaskier isn't alone in the knowledge of what I did anymore
(which is sort of talking around the point but is she supposed to just point blank be like well i almost sacrificed geralt's kid? and besides, it's not all she did. she remembers rescuing jaskier now. sparing cahir. not every choice was bad, but the size of that bad choice feels like it colors everything else.)
no subject
Not once did he judge her, though. And that remains true even now. Because in all of this, she sought him out -- to talk to him about it. And that's a sign of trust in many ways, isn't it? ]
I bet he's thrilled to not have to be the only one who remembers. A weight off his shoulders. But I assume when you say Jaskier was alone in the knowledge, that means Geralt is still behind the both of you?
cw: references to suicidal self sacrifice and child sacirifce.
(it is a sign of trust -- tech had told her the lengths he had went to try to get his own power back when they were working together against mammon. he had seen something of himself in her in those moments. she's seen it too. so she knows he'll understand -- that desperation can make people do terrible things. that to be powerless in the world is to also be vulnerable.
and while talking to jaskier had been helpful....she does not want to put too much of the burden on him. she knows if it came between her and geralt...well she would not be the one jaskier would pick.)
As far as I know -- I think if he knew...well he might avoid me more than confront me. Even after trying to fix things he wasn't exactly ready to forgive me for trying to sacrifice his child surprise, even if I couldn't go through with it. Even if I had been ready to lay down my own life to save hers in the end.
(she subconsciously rubs the scars on her wrists. it had been so easy to pick up the glass and reopen old wounds and scars to offer herself to the deathless mother.)
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I don't think Geralt has any room to be taking the moral high ground. Look at how he hurt Jaskier.
[ Why....yes. Tech did just put hurting Jaskier on par with almost sacrificing some child surprise. But look, he saw it with his own eyes -- how crushed Jaskier's spirit had been, how hollow that embittered performance made him. Only now was Jaskier starting to get a semblance of himself back. Ciri was only a name to Tech, nothing more. Which, okay, he's not pretending to take the moral high ground either. He just sees what Geralt clearly can't... ]
Why would he be so focused on the thing you almost did and not the fact that you stopped yourself? You chose selflessness. You gave up whatever reward sacrificing the child surprise would have given you and chose to do something good instead. And that's hard. That takes bravery. I don't know if I would have made the same decision in your shoes.
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(or me she thinks but doesn't sake -- for jaskier's sake if nothing else. she doubts knowing about the wish would make tech like geralt more and she knows the bard would not want her making that worse. )
You did make the same decision though, Tech. You sacrificed yourself to save me. I was just -- (and maybe because she needs to tell someone who isn't as enmeshed as jaskier. she covers tech's hand with one of her own, giving it a small squeeze)
I was in a battle back home, and I lost my magic afterwards. It was like stumbling in darkness. Without it I was powerless, whether it was as a prisoner of war or a torture victim -- and I thought I was willing to do anything to get it back. But then I got to know Ciri, and I loved her too. But she's practically Geralt's child -- for once I don't blame someone for resenting me.
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[ Magic is what Yennefer became from the sound of it. And once again, he can clearly identify with this. When his own powers had become erratic and out of control he knew that feeling of desperation. That willingness to do whatever it took to get them back. Even here, where his powers are nulled -- he feels a cloying degree of vulnerability he shouldn't feel. He should be connected to everything, and yet he feels nothing. A shell of himself, only kept from the edge of desperation for Jaskier's sake. ]
The unfortunate truth of the world is people aren't required to forgive. Even if I think he'd be an absolute idiot not to get over it because it's not like you went ahead and just did it -- he can make that choice for himself. And considering how emotionally stunted he is, he will likely continue to make the wrong choice on that front.
[ Just getting some light Geralt bashing out of the way. Because at the least, Yennefer doesn't seem likely to scold him. Unlike Jaskier who always retorts with: bUt hE's A gOoD mAn. And yeah. Okay, fine. A lot of this comes from Tech's own jealousy. But if he was a saint, he wouldn't be in hell. ]
Anyway. You two love each other, right? I know Jaskier isn't a comparison like at all...but sometimes when you tell someone you love something terrible, they find it in them to continue loving you regardless. And maybe the key is to tell him now before he lives through it? Because if he can hear the words and maybe see your remorse, he can forgive you. And then, if one day he wakes up with the same memories...he will also remember that you told him. That you didn't keep it from him. And that will be added into his complicated feelings. Because honestly, Yennefer, he'd be a fool to let you slip away.
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It was all I had left. That's how it felt.
(she couldn't have family of her own. and she couldn't trust geralt after finding out about the wish and she couldn't even properly die in battle. without her magic she was a half-elven woman in a world that was harsh and cruel. she had tried so long to fight voleth meir because she knows what such promises cost -- but when she lost jaskier and got captured again...well she hadn't had a lot of options left.)
Geralt is not as forgiving as Jaskier, nor is our love as pure. (say what you want about the bard, but he loves with everything he has.)
Geralt tied himself to me before he knew who I was. I'm not sure he could be rid of me if he wanted to be, not totally. Not unless he wants to chase down a djinn. A smarter man never would have entwined our destines to begin with.
no subject
But maybe if the world gave either of them love in the first place, they wouldn't have turned out the way they did.
So it doesn't surprise him when Yennefer says Geralt isn't as forgiving as Jaskier. It makes sense that a man who hasn't really known love himself would be embittered the same way. But what does surprise him is what she says next. Something he doesn't entirely follow. ]
Tied himself to you? What does that mean? What does that mean for you?
[ He's too modern to truly understand this talk of destinies being entwined. But to him in some way it sounds like a shackle. Something to chain Yennefer. Something that stirs the rumblings of anger in Tech on her behalf. What in the fuck... ]
no subject
(the world said she was undeserving of love long before she started making bad choices. maybe if she hadn't been born with a crooked spine, with elven blood, if she hadn't been sold for four marks, she would have turned out differently. but she grew up with a hole inside of her and no matter how hard she tried to fill it, it was never enough. she could never trust any love and affection she did get, and the beauty and power she fought so hard to grab ended up unfulfilling after a few decades.
and then she met geralt and when it finally felt like they might let themselves trust or love one another she found out the truth about the wish and everything crashed again. they had had more time in hell to rebuild than they did back home, where it was easier to stay away from him and stay angry and resolute. to trust no one but herself until it was too late.)
Jaskier never told you how he and Geralt met me, did he?
(it's not an accusation, just a question. she imagines the bard didn't, to protect her as much as geralt.)
They had come across a Djin's vessel, and when it broke it made one of them it's master, they had both assumed it was Jaskier. It also seemed to be killing Jaskier and the cure they needed was magical, not medical. So they were pointed in my direction.
I had been working in a kingdom where the ruler thought he could arrest or control me. I taught him differently. I awakened him and everyone in his castle's unbridled desires. So when they found me, it was in the middle of an orgy.
(she says this so casually, like it's normal.)
I had been bored for decades, but I had never met a Witcher in all that time. He was different. Interesting. He wanted to save his friend and would do anything to do it. I had heard of him. The famous white wolf. He would have let me inspect him to my heart's desire if I just helped Jaskier.
But I didn't want to help anyone -- I wanted to harness the Djin's power for myself. To take back what had been stolen from me. So I isolated Jaskier, I threatened him and tried to get him to make his final wishes so I could complete the spell. But he wasn't the master, and he escaped. Not that it stopped me from trying to become the vessel anyways. It turns out Geralt was the master, and when he came to try to stop me -- well I didn't exactly accept his help. He made a wish, to save my life. But it also twined our destinies together, whether he meant it to or not. And he didn't tell me about it until much later.
We kept running into one another again and again, like moths to a flame, and by the time I thought maybe I had finally found love -- I knew the truth. That once again magic had a hand in things and I couldn't trust it. Was it real? Is it? I've had the time to figure that out for myself here, to try to trust my heart, and him, but it was different back home. Easier to avoid him, to stay angry. To convince myself I could not trust him with the truth about losing my magic.
(in all her time in hell she hasn't told anyone about the wish, and it shows how much she trusts tech that she tells him the story now, even if jaskier will probably be cross with her for doing so later.)